The nerve's blog: July 2015

At this moment,

I feel unreasonably awesome,

my inside is happy without reason despite I'm physically exhausted.

didn't know that whether it's because I moved to a better place or the treatment from her has significantly changed?

Some nights, I took the letter out and read it in heart like bedtime story,

I didn't want to express my happiness in front of her,

but strangely, I just love to act cool in front of her that I got no reaction to anything.

I attempted to be good to her, but later, I will regretted for my action,

and keep it back my kind action, just because I'm shy like a little girl,

I need something to hug or hide when I see a stranger.

But the thing is she's not a stranger to me,

but instead, a person whom I seen her often more than my family,

interacted with her more than my family and met her before I met my family.

Last time,

I felt she's super ill-hearted, malicious, harmful, unfriendly and selfish,

but when I observed it myself and analyze her 'domestic' behaviour,

she's actually apparently malicious but good at inside.

Remembered that she told me once

"Dont disturb me because I'm sick recently, when I'm sick, I still have to do my house chores because no ones here to help me to do it and I still have to go to work, so when I have time, I want to sleep and I'm very tired every day because I'm sick."

Although her words seemed innocent and she expressed herself in a briefest way like a three years,

but still can perceived her good and interpret a mother's role in a family,

although is sick, cannot walk and talk at all, but still have to wash clothes, cook and dry her clothes.

Vividly recalled,

youngest aunt ever told me that i'm innocent because the way I talked,

she said

"For example, you dont need to mention a car got 4 tyres because it's a common sense, so if you mentioned the very obvious thing, people will perceived you as immatured, like a three years old say duh its star, its moon, and star is in yellow colour"

So,

when I read her words,

I think of what the youngest aunt told me and think that she's same like me also,

very obvious, her walking movement shows that she can't walk and her voice showed that she's sick,

and obviously, she feel hard to do something when she's sick,

but she still need to described the whole process that she's sick, then no ones help her, then she's tired and need to sleep. LOL!

The most funny part, she seriously told me

"Eh! Dont spoiled her things know? Because if you spoiled my things, I dont have money to fix know? I still have to support my children study, and living in KL very expensive now? Plus my daughter went UK study some more.... so dont spoiled my things know?"

LOL! She described till like that,

and it's very obvious that she didn't have money, and when things spoiled, it naturally have to fix.

Even Emily also asked me

'Why Pn Lye still need to talked obvious thing one? Even she didnt tell Datin that she's that kind of person who only seeking for peaceful life and not an extravagant person, very obvious that she is that type of peaceful seeker person. See she drives Proton Saga go to school already know, a person who seeking for extravagant life sure will aim higher and wont keep driving the same car one. Why she talked like that one? Like telling the very obvious thing.'

I said

"ya la, the way she talked is like that way, since the day I met her, she already talked like that, because she wants to tell what she wants to say, just that her explanation more length only, like she told me eh eh dont spoiled my things ah, coz if you spoiled my things, I have to pay, and I dont have money to fix my gate, because I want to let my children study all that and have to pay, plus living in KL very expensive you know? Plus my children all still studying....'

She laughed and said

"haha! Really said like that?? So lengthy and mawkish...."

I said

'Yeah she very mawkish one, her daughter told me that she will keep saying the same thing one... like when she ask her daughter to use shampoo wash hair.... then she will keep mentioning one, because forgot she already mentioned.'

She said

'Why her daughter will told you she like that one?'

I said

'Becaue that time I forgot what I told her daughter already, then her daughter said I same like her mum, keep repeating saying the same thing but ownself forgot I already said it. But I feel that Pn Lye already reached that kind of old age already, so the way she talked very mawkish and length, like my grandma also like that, she will explain or expressed the very obvious thing, last time when I was young, during raining, I took her house umbrella immersed with rain water, then keep jumping on the umbrella with the water, then she told me ehhhhh nu nang eng pai wa yer yu shan ahhhhh, lo ho wa ai eng yerrrr, ka deng be sai yeng.... mai eng pai sa ki ah!"

Haha!! Emily asked how old was you? How come you still can remembered her hokkien words by words?

I said

"I was about 8... and it's too long already, I can roughly remembered what she meant only, but dont remember certain words... like what umbrella called in hokkien... but I remembered I was jumping on the umbrella with my sister, so i knew she's mentioning the umbrella, but because umbrella in hokkien is a word not often used, so I cant remembered what it called. I just remembered Pai Sa Ki because she always mentioned that word when I was young."

Okay, anyway,

I am super happy now just because I think of we are friend and think of she told me that

'Eh now I never harm you you know? Because I know that your parents didnt give you a lot of love, so I try to give you a lot of love, like make you feel at home.'

Then every time when she went travelled,

she bought something for me,

and I feel really touching because my heart thinking that even my parents went holiday also never buy things for me, but she unexpectedly bought a lot things for me, and think of because wanted to make me feel that I'm at home.

And, at one time, I still responded her in a rude way and said

"I dont need that kind of love, and I preferred now my family" when she said she wanted to make me feel at home,

she curiously asked me why?

I answered her
"because very noisy and I dont like this kind of family".

but my heart is answering myself in a straight-forward way that I just need comfort life but I dont need love.

I just daren't speak out the word of "comfort life",

so I answered her
"because very noisy when people keep talking to me and I dont like this kind of family."

And also, every time when I went back Malaysia I went her house,

also she let me hit a few time when I cried,

but then, sometimes it became a threaten in the future whenever she verbally defended herself,

she always said that
"ah you dont want believe me I got no choice la, people let you beat a lot some more, you tumbuk here and there, and kick me some more!"LOL! So, she let me beat her also a 'price' behind there.

Okay, have to stop writing now as I'm sleeping with another one.

Hopefully, every night my mood is as good as today,

no more sorrowful stories and no more traumatic flashback,

this is the life I'm seeking for :)

Good night world!