From day to day,

May is approaching soon in a week time,

everyday the daily mission just ended by that way, and another challenge come on the next morning.

my life is craving for over-achievement and striking towards my future.

I remembered the ordinary days how I used to motivate people around me,

and showing the right example to them that how I live my life.

But,

I didn't tell them about the little negative things that I think in my head.

That's my past.

I remembered one of the most meaningful quote in FACEBOOK

And, I agreed this saying,

everyday I act out like a consultant to advice my friends when they need a solution or motivation,

but actually I can't deal it with my past,

for what I can deal, is the things that involved in now and then.

Occasionally,

I have a massive drink, not because I'm 'thirsty',

but can't get rid of the shadow that I had in the past.

I tried to forget this person, but I don't.

And I remember my dearest god mother told me that
"Since you cant forget and just dont forget, just be good with her, that is consider good enough."

And I think it's true and meaningful,

I don't have to forget her, I don't have to delete or renew the memories in my head,

but just create something pleasurable,

vividly recalled the days we joked and laughed for the poor things that happened in between us,

teasing around and acting each other.

We end up with a laughter when my salty tears are overflowed, 

sometimes when I get bored in the class,

I tore the a piece of paper from the notebook,

and wrote down the funny things which had actually happened in between us.

And I remembered she told me once in a paper

"Every cloud has a silver lining"

And yeah! I agreed that but just can't admit it,

can't admit in the sense that to let it happen although I agreed this perfect analogy.

I can't embrace the hopeful side of our relationship,

because I always think that she is intentionally harming me,

and sometimes I think that she did stopped harming me,

but later and again,

my brain will find some latest evidence to prove that she would.

Sometimes,

I'm quite hopeless in the light that  I don't have the ability to move on,

I guessed it's because I've immersed in this shadow for too long,

and don't find the curability earlier.

But now,

I think we are fine, nightmares still happened occasionally,

but at least not everyday now,

I've feel so much contented that I already recovered a lot.

Good bye bloggie, I feel so much better after pouring out the most struggle thing in my heart.

Today is a typical Monday,

but surprisingly something unusual happened.

I got the high-achieving result throughout the class,

the average grade was 72%, but I gotten 88%.

In Chinese Feng Shui,

it's a really good number, because its "Fa-fa".

Finally,

 God has flourished me with such a wonderful result that I couldn't even imagined.

2009... 2010...

2011...

2012... 2013...

2014...2015...

2016...

I never know that time flies so fast,

in the twinkling of an eye, it turned 7th year.

Indeed,

I never know that I can flung myself in this shadow for such a long time.

However,

I get better every year, which is a good thing that I never expect earlier.

Vividly recalled the first few years when I suffered from this trauma,

it was so unbearable and suffocating when the invasive memories crossed my mind,

whenever I do everything, 

such as washing, bathing, eating, sitting or walking,

the damn compulsive memories will definitely flow into my mind,

when I tried to swift the thoughts to other things,

the invasive memories will eventually came back to me after a couple of minutes,

this is the inevitable process that what I've gone through earlier.

 And then,

doctor suggested me and taught me a technique to overcome this thought,

which is

"whenever the invasive thought came to you, then you quickly think other things to divert the thought into something else"

That time,

 I told him

"I tried many times, but after a few minutes, my mind definitely have some other invasive thoughts to think, not only the particular moment, but the whole incident, such as thinking she beaten me unstoppable or ask her daughter go and take the cane, and also slapped me when I struggled. Even if I think other things, but all these thought keep flowing into my mind alternatively."

He answered me

"You keep trying, once any part of the incident flew into your mind, then quickly think other things, keep practice this habit even it dont work for you at this moment. And after sometimes, the thoughts will really reduced, trust me! You are not only the one patient whom experienced this."

And since the doctor said so,

I just tried what he said - whenever the memories invades into my mind then just quickly think about other things,

I've practiced this continuously even though it failed most of the times,

and I think that there's no harm for trying.

And after one or two years,

I think this method really worked although it don't work immediately in a few days or a few weeks,

but at least it worked after one or two years.

The compulsive thoughts finally reduced after a year of doing so,

now, in today,

the invasive thoughts only came into my mind ONCE IN A FEW HOURS.

I feel so great that I can concentrate many things and do my work without the bother of trauma.

Sometimes,

I even divert the invasive thoughts by thinking "okay now I dont think about this first, later when I sleep, I have heaps of time to slowly think about it."

And during the bedtime,

I really allowed myself to think about the incidents as to avoid repressive feeling (and since I've promised myself earlier that I can think about it).

This is my self-remedy during the recovery process,

and I find both of these techniques works a lot on me!

Which is "delay" and "divert" the thoughts :)

Even my enemy, now also becomes my friend already,

surprisingly,

she even teach me to think about her good things when the bad things came to me,

she said
"Okay now I teach you, whenever you think about the bad things, then you think now Pn Lye is my friend already, she wont harm me, so when you dream, you will dream of good things"

And as I really intended to help myself on the road of recovery,

I really practiced the steps that she taught me,

somehow what she has spoken to me really happened in the dream! HAHAHA!!!

I dreamed of she said
"Now I very good already, I wont harm you at all, see! Now I where got harm you??"

More than that,

now she seldom beat me already (the most once or twice throughout the months),

and I'm really happy with this sanguine situation,

at least,

it showed me that every cloud has a silver lining,

she turned from abusive stage to bullying stage,

and transformed from bullying stage to less bullying stage.

And at the end,

she just disturbed me sometimes by causing almost no harm,

such as putting her dog to me (at least never beat me).

And, sometimes when she told me about her life experience,

I can realized her stressful life situation when putting myself into her shoes,

and not to quarrel with her, this is how we compromised to each other.

I think of since her life so stressful,

when think of positive side,

I let her beat me a few times also never mind,

at least she ease her emotions burden by venting emotions on me.

Now,

I can cope my trauma really well,

I can study for the whole day without the disturb of invasive thoughts,

and thankfully, my medicine helps me too.

I took a calming pill once a day,

it calm down my thoughts and reduced the traumatic thoughts in my brain.

So, today,

I am quite successful for what I am doing now.

I'm doing great on my master, and even my bachelor degree.

Thanks God for having this little med which helps me crossed over those emotional hurdle that I couldn't bear it earlier.