Ah eh eh I also eh !

Ah eh eh I also eh !

Ah eh eh I also eh !

Ah eh eh I also eh !

Ah eh eh I also eh !

Ah eh eh I also eh !

Ah eh eh I also eh !

Officially graduated four days ago,

the inner feeling is so contradicted; feel that my status being promoted yet it signified a radical transformation in my life.

No longer a young nor old child, but legally a graduated "beauty with the brains".

I leave the small and old city to a larger region,

the exploration makes me wiser and wiser.

Eventually,

 I earned the so called prestigious "Australia's Bachelor degree" in the world,

During these three years Bachelor degree,

I didn't afraid of anything, regardless of it's Australia education standard or Malaysia standard.

I tried my best, study hard and play hard,

surprisingly I get to hit a credit achievement for Bachelor of Arts,

BA - Google Wikipedia referred it as the most common degree in the world.

Frankly speaking,

 my impression towards this course is no ones will knows how hard was it until they experienced themselves,

the difficulty is you will have endless chapters to read,

supreme challenging vocabulary, 

you must have an extremely awesome English and superb memory skill to earned this degree.

Six years ago,

I had a lifelong trauma, I tried to haul this trauma from my heart,

but seems like it's impossible to do it,

no matter how hard I tried, the repetitive memories still haunt me in the midnight.

I went through the stages with daily tears and psychological torment.

It getting serious day by day since the day it happened,

at the first place, I tried to ignore, but then, I knew that it has eventually turned out to be an inevitable part of element in my life.

I can't deny that I still have minor shadow at this moment,

but i'm lucky that I had some space to get better.

Perhaps, I should thank the positive treatment from her,

I really didn't expect that she would change her attitude, I thought we will be forever like that.

People scare me that trauma is always forever,

and some even told me that I need at least a decade to get better.

But, the lucky thing is I only used up half decade to recover and stood up my life.

Indeed,

we all go through life bristling at our external limitations, 

but the most difficult chains to break are inside us.

In life,

I tend to make small decisions with my head but a very big decision in my heart,

because I strongly believed this is the first step towards success.

Without decisions, we can't even change our life,

I have an extremely strong virtue and principle that people usually get inspired for what I spoken,

You can't say I'm cocky but just that I'm the way I am.

Since the trauma of seventeenth, 

I lived in fear and insecurities till the moment I came to this silent country,

I build a new independence and establish a new thinking,

althought I'm still with the same name, but people said I changed in all perspectives.

I start to stop afraid of fear because i knew it sharpen me,

fear lemme become a stronger person, newer woman, and a wiser individual. 

I remembered kaima always told me that I can't run away from fear;

because that's the way I conquered my trauma and walk towards recovery.

I bear in mind that if I run away from fear, I'm also running away from the chance of getting better.

Now,

I'm having a life of after graduated,

the experience is things getting tougher,

postgraduate is indescribable hard, that's why 'master' stand for titles for higher intelligent individuals.

I took an hour to figure the concepts by myself, and finally I succeeded.

Obviously, the 'title' pays the price.

Within every few weeks,

we have class tests for every each subjects,

you only have short period to conquered the subjects,

practice the calculation, memorize the facts and apply it by using your nature intelligence.

Previously,

I thought master is something which we could gain by paying a big deal of wealth,

but now, I knew I was mistaken about this concept,

it is something which we need both wealth and intelligence to purchase the title.

Currently,

although I'm busy and stressful,

but I lead a quite productive and happy life,

perhaps the trauma lesser, so my mind is freer, 

I even decided to write a postcard and send her a letter,

this is something unexpected for both of us in past.

I never predict that we have today,

no matter what is it, at least I make myself happier and let her happier too.

Some nights,

I read what she wrote for me before I turned off my bed light.

Every shower,

I repetitively reheard the audio conversation we spoke to each other.

It seriously calm me a lot and lemme less afraid a lot.

Somehow,

she indirectly let me know that we all make interesting mistakes but learned from mistaken, and the most importantly be a kinder person.

We don't have to be really religious, but at least don't do something cruel and immoral.

Time is a mysterious element which seems impossible to wait us for even a second,

1 year and 6 months just gone by that way,

human changed and time is moving, but the fact is feeling didn't change across the time,

my heart is such a confused at this moment, seriously, blogging can't help!

whether I'm already fall in love on the new one or still the old one,

he told me

"I can wait you any time, but please dont accept me because you are hurry to forget your ex, and used me as a tool to forget your ex."

My deep down can't deny his factual logic, but my brain seems like it's a hard thing to cast away the old subject.

But what to do if those unwanted memories still sway in my brain and stay it forever?

I hate the feeling when people asked me

"you still love him?"

"Why you blocked him everywhere?"

"If you really dont like him anymore, why you still need to make an effort in forgetting him?"

The second him, treated me really good, 100 times better than him,

in terms of trustworthy, intelligence, maturity, capability, humor, financial background and dependability are much better than him,

but somehow why I still feel that the old kindness can't beat anything else?

I'm asking my heart now that am I bias or prejudice?

Whenever I spent my time with him,

the fun is always the old fun, the fun is always revolving on the first one,

bestie even told me

"Up to you that whether you still want to talk to him, as long as you already move on, then everything is fine",

when I heard this, I feel so bad for myself,

that i'm lying to myself and verbally lying to a friend that I've entirely moved on,

I even answered her
"Of course! Both of us already moved on, he already has someone that he likes, and I already have someone that I like, of course we didn't like each other any more. See! He didn't please please please any more."

Just now,

feel intensely excited to see baby Paul face-to-face,

hence Jubie asked me to download Tango as we can't video call each other through Facebook messenger nor Whatsapp,

so I just downloaded this old app into my new phone.

Every bits and pieces of older memories were backup once I entered my phone number and verification number,

the top one appeared his name "Sky",

when I clicked and listen the unheard messages,

seems like I'm going back to the past when I heard "Hello Clar".

What I did was quickly done the thing which needed to be done,

which is called Jubie and video call with Paul, then ended up the conversation and quit the Tango app immediately.

But when I ended the video conservation,

seems like the stupid temptation hunted me again,

my reflex action made me reheard his voice - "Hello Clar",

and then made a voice comparison between these two man.

Both calling me the same name, but with different accent,

the first one called me with second tone, and the second one called me with the first tone (Australia accent).

I really hate myself for created such a big obstacle in my own heart and making myself can't move on,

I feel so bad and so regretted that I shouldn't accept him in the first place,

we shouldn't start out relationship in the beginning,

I really disliked the previous part of relationship,

if I could, I really wanted to delete it and undo it in my memory.

I've decided to cut off the urge to text him, and to text the proper one,

cuz I feel so bad that I went the wrong one, didn't reply the second one but keep texting the first one,

I apologized to my own heart, but I believed that every tomorrow is better than today and yesterday.

What I need to do is to keep reminding myself

"If the previous guy treated you so badly and wounded your heart so terribly, why not straight move on to the second one as he's everything better than the first one."

Well, tomorrow daddy mommy coming to visit me already,

graduation coming, should be feel excited rather than moody,

because graduation symbolized a new episode of life, a new phrase of age and even a new relationship.

Bear in mind,

the old phase has gone, what I need to do is to concentrate on my current relationship,

be the best girlfriend ever in the new ones heart.

And, this time, it's gonna be a little bit different like the first one,

now and future, this relationship gonna be a secret one or a private one,

I disallow anyone to judge this new relationship and I decided that I wanna let this relationship be a private romance.

unless I'm gonna get married with him, if not I wouldn't announce for it.

Lastly, 

tonight's quote is

"Let past mistake be a future lesson"

Yesterday,
he held my hair and told me gently
"I love your hair"
I answered him
"Do you feel that I look better with shorter hair? Maybe below shoulder length but shorter that this?"
He hold my hair; checked the length seriously and answered me
"I love you keep in long hair, very beautiful."
My heart was thinking
"My goodness, why two guys have the same thought and same preference? Could I make myself a big change in order to be a new Clarissa?"
I asked the new one
"Why do you love me?"
he answered similarly like the first one but in different words,

He said
'Love someone dont need a reason, and why you always ask a lot of why?'
I added
'Because for me, everything needs a reason to prove your words"
He nodded his head and said
'Because I love your kindness and princess look.'
I was thinking why two guys love the same kind of person?
I try to challenge by saying
"But, if you like a princess type of person, you gonna deal with her princess character:
He answered
"I dont really mind that as people come with all characters, no matter who you are, you have your own specific character. Different people different kind of characters."
Oh my god!
Why two persons giving the same response,
my ex told me the same thing softly as well,
long time ago,
I asked him
"I'm such a bad temper, why you still like me?"
He answered me
"Because everyone got different kind of attitutdes, even if you are not my girlfriend today, I still need to deal with different kind of character with other people."
I was wondering whether I fall in love with him because he looks like the first one,
and sharing certain type of thinking and kindness?
And I hope I am not,
because before kaima passed away,
she adviced me
"If you continue to choose the similar mindset person, then at the end, you will still getting the same kind of outcome, and end up with a similar separation."
Vividly recalled,
he asked me repeatedly
"What kind of guy you like?"
I answered him
"First is honest, second is kind and third is someone who shares common preference or lifestyle as me, I rank first as honest, because I feel that no matter how quality is a person, without honesty, the relationship still end up zero. So what about you?"
He answered me
"I like someone who is sweet, pretty and innocent."
I asked
"So what kind of style you like your woman holding?"
He answered me
"Elegant and princess"
I asked him
'Why? I thought guys dont like high maintenance woman"
He said
"Not necessary, capable man likes high maintenance woman because she is so classy, and I got a divorced parents, my dad is that type of person who looking for status and money, but my mum is not, my mum seeking for peaceful life and only want my father goes to beach with her, so both of them divorce because their character completely different. So now, I want to find a like minded person who likes elegant and highg end lifestyle."
I said
'Yeah, I think compatibility is still the most important factor in a relationship.'
He asked
"So do your parents both like money and status?"
I answered honestly
"yeah, both of them like money and status, so I'm lucky to have a complete and unbroken family. Because my father and mother shared a similar interest."
He asked
'So what about you?'
I said
'I'm fine with anything, status or without status is completely fine for me, I just need a complete family which are able to afford once a year family trip, can buy anything and do anything in this world with my family. So I'm not really fond with status, because I grown up in a high status family, my dad holds a royalty title in Malaysia, so my mum always restricted my social media usage, like keep on ask me dont post too many pictures or so on as it will attract kidnappers, so I feel that I really grown up without freedom, I cant do things like a normal teenager can do. Or else, if we attend any occasion or trips that comes with my dad's friends, then my mum will say dont wear this and that, dont wear crop top and so on, and keep saying very shy because my dad is a high status person and later people will gossip. So, I really feel that I live under others expectation and I wear something according to others need, and I am not myself, and I feel that I born in this world but living others life. So I really don't like status, but even with it, I'm fine, because I already used to it. As long as got a full-rounded family, everyone in the family are safe and happy, I feel contented.'
He said
'Awww... so sweet... I love you, you are really positive!'
I said
'Thank you, and I know you like positive person.'
He asked
'How do you know?'
I said
'Because you're a motivational speaker, account manager and a journalist who hold diploma of Public Relations, Bachelor of International Relations, Graduate Certificate of Migration Law and Master of Diplomatic Studies. So, you must be really positive to get your achievement today. And, I like positive person as well.'
He asked
'So is your ex bf a positive person as well?'
I said
'No, he is not.'
He asked
'Then why you liked him as you said you likes positive person?'
I said
'I say I like positive person, but I never say I cant like negative person, and being positive is an advantage, of course I like it.'
He hold my cheeks and said
'Awww... so sweet! Thank you.'
I said
'May I ask you a question? Is people who are really negative, hard to succeed?'
He asked me
'You asked this question for sake of your ex bf?'
 I said
'Not really, could be ask for myself?'
He smiled and said
'Uhmmm, basically, negative people hard to succeed because they dont have confidence and when they think negatively every day, how they gonna success? So what you gonna do now is to concentrate in your studies, dont think about any work! Be a real full-time student and conquer your master, once you get out your workplace, you can be any positions you want!'
I said
'really?'
He nodded his head and said
'Yeah... like me... I studied master before, so I know it's very very hard, and people who never study master is not gonna understand how hard is it until they experience themselves, so try your best to get the best result, once you come out the workplace, you can straight become manager, like me. I dont do any work when I study master.'
I said
'So are you a top student?'
He said
'Yes I am, I always got top 3 even in my master. So, when I came out from master, I straight landed a job within 2 months.'
I said
'Wow! So you straight become manager when you graduate without any working experience?'
He nodded his head and said
'Yeap, you dont need any working experience to become a manager, you just need education qualification, they will teach you how to do things on the first day you come to work.'
I said
'Hey why you say the first thing as my father? He also ask me not to work, he said no matter how many working experience you have, without education certificate, people wont hired you one.'
He nodded his head and said
'Yeah that is right, anyway you still can do jobs like grocery worker or work in the mall, but does that $500 extra helps you in a month? What if you fail your subjects, you gonna pay $14k aussie dollar per semester, so concentrate in your studies, dont think about any irrelevant jobs. Dont give yourself any stress.'
I nodded my head and said
'Okay! Right, I think you're the person I'm looking for. Someone I can trust with, lead me to a better path.'



Our night ended with that sweet conversation,
however I feel bad myself tonight,
he dated me for a movie night,
but I even told him that I'm not feeling well,
but sitting in front of laptop and blog my stuffs.
Anyway,
I think I really needa rest for tomorrow :)
Too tired now.