Despite the significant amount of hurtful feeling had fade off in some way,

but I still felt the deep down pain in some midnights.

I guessed, this pain is a long last hurt which seems impossible to heal,

she reputed to be the worst person in my heart;

she brings about every cruel actions which caused the every inch of my wound.

At times,

I'm so depressed, I feel pathetically inadequate when I laughed or smiled.

No one could imagine how I passed through those times with pains and suffering,

the unsolvable tears always soaked the pillow when curfew begins,

there's room for apologize but no room for me to forget all these,

many a little makes a mickle, that's what brought me into this stage.

Leave me alone,

I need time to travel to the furthest place in the world,

I need private space to calm down my thoughts and release all these unspeakable tensions,

I need a far view like a muddy beach or a spectacular urban view to ponder back what had actually happen,

until the end, I'm still a loser, 

I am lose when she never gives me what I want to listen,

she used smiles and jokes to cover up my emphasis,

I asked her 

'Can you tell me what had happened?'

She smiled and answered me

'What you want to know?'

My feeling was =.= (sweat, you're pretending a fool and avoiding my question and you are so so bad not so-so bad),

Indeed,

that's her response which made me hate her the most,

I feel like she's still exactly unchanged,

based on her facial expression, 

she shows happiness when someone is under psychological pain,

when I bring back that particular scene which when her smiling face floats in my mind,

I would straight cried uncontrollable and slowly recalled back all the bad things she done to me and think that she still unchanged;

 sort of cheating me that she is no longer the bad one.

Somehow,

I loathe to see her smiling, feel like she's so unfaithful;

still thinking to harm me as usual so that the certain facial expression would reappeared. 

Besides,

she asked me

'You like you like??"

By that part,

I feel like she's unfaithful and trying to harm me again,

she's having pleasure when someone undergoes unbeatable trauma.

By the way,

I think every single of her facial expressions are so important to me,

because it tells me how faithful and sincere she is;

occasionally, 

I would spontaneously rolled down the salty tears when I bring back all these flashbacks,

I think she's so bad, I hate her cruel and jerky smile.

Her smile often reminds me my constructive traumas;

the add math incident, made me loitering for few hours under hot sun by keeping my key, putting dog in my car and closed up the door, chasing me with dog in free area, caned me as many times as she likes, carried out violence to me, threw my key into drain, attempted to kills me, cut my wrist with knife and knocked my toes with pliers, continued beat me when she already knew how painful I am and many more.

All these are the random consecutive thoughts which made me burst into tears when I had sleepless night,

being so unreasonably,

I will felt unbreathable,

 feel like I can't exchange my breathe and keep crying till I have no more energy to stay awake,

this is the suffering I gone through by myself everyday when I was seventeen until now.

Feel like to pierce through my tummy with a long sword so that there's no room for me to doubt about how much time I still needed to cross this traumatic boundary.

Undoubtedly,

I can only wrap up my bleeding wounds by consuming drugs and drinking wines,

there's the two only ways I used to make myself better.

 

LOL!

Whenever daddy mummy overseas,

there's always have their footprints in my blog,

when they went France, my page viewers had france,

when they went China, my page viewers had China,

and when they went Taiwan, my page viewers had Taiwan.

There's my footprint too, which is United States,

I write blog in United States, definitely there's my footprint.

Oh Jesus!

I am  returning back my home in 4 more days,

the feeling is so unwanted as I love America so much,

that kind of ambience and culture,

particularly the fresh morning air and the fairytale sky that Malaysia don't have,

technically,

I realized the saying of 'rich people have a different sky than the poor one',

I truly feel that kind of ambience,

the sky in America is like you're living in the realm of fairytale,

and the sky in Malaysia is like you're living in an ordinary world,

nothing unique and nothing else worth to see.

At this moment, after I felt the difference here,

I don't believe people using the kind of word  like 'low profile' or 'Thrifty is virtue',

I just think that those are the best excuse of being poor or don't have money to make themselves live better,

so they are trying these to make themselves better or tell themselves they are not so worst or they don't need a better life.

Indeed,

different environment shaped a different thinking,

travel certainly could made someone wiser or opened up someone's mind.

Like me, at the moment when I looked at a different world,

I have different sort of thinking as previous,

I feel like there's no one in the world don't feel like make their life better,

no one would rather look at a grey sky than a blue sky.

Actually,

I don't know whether peer influenced or environmental influenced shaped me into a different or perhaps a matured person?

I have a friend who came from ordinary family background,

we promised to hang out and make up prettily when we meet up,

she proposed a meet up place 'Casa De Cafe' while I proposed a better place 'Renaissance hotel',

I told her that it's kind of wasted if I apply a few hundreds dollar make up power on face and lipsticks and lips,

and she account for I'm sort of arrogant.

Thus, under a certain degree of self-reflection,

I began to asked my few friends about do I really arrogant in this circumstance?

I asked my two close friends, two Americans whom I meet in America and one Taiwanese talker whom I met in flight,

firstly,

I explained the circumstance to them respectively,

I asked them would I behave arrogant from that perspective?

I didn't tell them who my friend is as they don't know her too.

The first friend (from Australia),

she answered me

'Wont arrogant la, why you got this kind of friend, own self no money to go better place, say people action? This is the reflection of inferiority actually. Not your problem actually. This is kind of common sense kay? Because you spent money on your make up powder, only you yourself will feel the unworthy to apply to a random place. Why dont ask her go hotel for high tea la? Go hotel then won't wasted d lo.'

I said

'Got, I told her I got Ramada membership card, buy one free one, each person only pay $25 for each meal only.'

She said

'Then lastly she said ok?'

I said

'She prefer simply fish after I suggested a different places.'

She said

'See. Very obvious, told you already, no money say no money but say people arrogant. Like me, I no money already, I will tell you this week out of budget, this week meet up.'

The second friend (from Malaysia),

she answered me

'This kind of situation depends on the family background, there are financial boundaries from lower category to higher category, depends which boundary your friend is, if she came from a middle class or a lower class, she will feel you action, because maybe for her, she thinks Casa De Cafe is a quite high class place already you still think Casa De Cafe not a good place, so she will think you action.'

I said

'No, she said I said how much how much is my make up powder sounds action.'

She said

'Ben Lai Jiu Shi Jiang mah. Where got action? I think you're trying to explain to her but maybe her make up powder not so expensive as you, so she will feel you are action. Like me, my make up powder not Laura Mercier one, but Marc Jacobs one, so I understand your situation and wont feel you are action. I think you are just being rational. That is why I said this is the matter of social boundary, maybe for you, casa de cafe is sap sap sui, but for her, casa de cafe is kind of very high class place. So certainly, she will think you action and that is why I said have to depends who is your partner.'

The third person (Is a Taiwanese flight passenger, when we mentioned about types of friend, I asked her about that),

she answered me similarly as the second person,

she said

'In Taiwan, this kind of things depends who is your partner, in our home country, people from lower category mix with lower category and people from higher category usually mix with higher category because the standard is so contrast, for you, your what casa de cafe is like our gourmet stall or street store, but for them, they might valued that place and regard it's sort of more classy place when compared to the place they usually go, so they will feel you're arrogant, they will feel you action, they will feel like you look down them, but people like Aunty's standard, aunty feel nothing because aunty also came from a stronger financial background, so, if you are talking to a person who has same standard with you, people feel acceptable and feel nothing.'

The fourth person (Is an American old lady in a fine dining restaurant, she's eating alone and I'm eating alone, we talked about the country culture and friends),

She initiate the conversation by saying

'In America, there is a huge boundary between rich and poor people, there are a lot of very very rich people and also a lot of very very poor people, people who came from rich family only mix with at least rich people, and people who came from poor family, they can only mix with poor people, because they dont have the ability to highly socialize and cross culture into a higher standard.'

When she mentioned about that, 

I told her about that situation my friend think I'm arrogant because of she thinking that I'm showing off my make up powder,

LOL!
She spoke in American accent and said

'Nahhhh! Your friend are just too sensitive or she dont have the ability to go to a better place.

 You shouldnt waste your make up powder to go to a random place because that's very expensive. Or perhaps, I only can say that this is the issue of different social standard, it's not your fault and not her fault too, because both of you have different perceptions, for you, you just think its nothing, but for her, that's quite pricy! Aha!'

I answered 

'ya! Most of my friends said that, almost same definitions as you said but different sentences.'

She nodded her head and said

'Yeah! Because you are asking different persons but the reasons are same though, so there may be a different sentences but same explanations. Haha!'

The last person (is my friend who staying in America),

she answered me the almost same thing as first person,

She said

'I feel ok la, wont arrogant, but you have to depends who is your partner, for people who have lower confident they will feel you're action, but from people who have the same standard, they will feel reasonable because they have the same situation as you.'

I said

'You saying the almost same thing as the first person I asked. But she said inferiority, not lower confident.'
She said

'Anah! Almost the same lah, you never heard before meh? Very obvious, this is common sense.'

I shook my head and said

'Dont know.'

She said

'This is the basic of psychology.'

I asked her

'Why you study accounting, but you know psychology one?'

She said

'No la, simple one I knew la, but if complicated one we normal people wouldn't know.'

I said

'The first person I asked she studying psychology one. She also said like that.'

She said

'Ya la for people who study psychology they definitely know, but for normal people I think should be know also because this is common sense.'

I said

'But my that friend, she is excellence in study and everything, appearance also ok. Still got what thing will low confident?'

She said

'Not necessary one, because everyone got strength and shortcomings, she is good in everything but maybe her family background is not strong, so she will feel low confident in her family background, when people from a higher family background pose threat to her, she will feel inferior.'

I said

'But I never pose threat to her. Hahaha! I not say poor people I never mix, but I decide place based on that person's family background, like I always go high tea with my friends with Australia, but go place like secret recipe or starbucks with her, because I know everyone got different standard.'

She said

'I knew you didn't pose threat to her, but she will feel very pressure because your identity. Later people will say her, you see this person, heiye no money still want to join Clar, or no money still want to go such expensive place. Things like this la, so you have to consider her feeling too.'

I said

'But I said Ramada, buy one free one wor? Each person RM25 like that still expensive?'

She said

'That is why I said depends on that person standard, maybe her RM 25 can eat 2-3 times? But in your eyes, RM 25 is valuable because you long term stay in overseas already mah. Haha! In your Australia only RM8, you will feel even eat chicken rice also not enough. So as I said this is the gap of social background.'

I said

'But when compared to Simply fish, almost the same. Simply fish also one meal RM 23.90 like that.'

She said

'But if she goes Simply fish, she can say she full already and just order drinks enough mah. So maybe below than RM10 only, but if go hotel, RM25 is fix price already. So she dont want spend so much.'

I said

'Walao! RM25 only leh! Can eat so many things, where got expensive? Normally hotel need RM60-80 like that.'

She asked

'What her father worked as?'

I said

'Dont know, I feel very confused about her family background but I darent ask her because I scared hurt her self-esteem. Her family got big car but dont have big house.'

She said

'Or maybe her dad is driver? So got big car dont have big house?'

I said

'No la. I'm sure her dad not driver and doing business. But I just dont know the position of her dad in a company only. Because a company got a lot of positions ones. I think maybe just like manager or CEO like that lo. I can't say she is poor but normal family lo.'

She asked

'Your friend from where?'

I said

'Malaysia friend.'

She laughed and said

'Zha Dao! Malaysia sure no money la, if got money already study overseas.'

I said

'No, I just wonder where is her level only. The way she dressed seems rich, but when she went out with me, she always said this expensive that expensive, and if got cheaper place she will definitely select cheaper place.'

she said

'Then your this friend will used of you or not?'

I said

'Hey... actually you're asking the same thing as my friends around me and also my parents... would you feel she used of me?'

She said

'For what example? I feel got a bit lah, because you said she always here expensive there expensive, and still want to mix you, because she will knows the place you go is more expensive mah, she already know more expensive already, she where got money to pay?'

I said

'Mmmm this question I think for a long time already... for example, my parent will think she used of me because of she's trying to get benefits from me, for example, when I got car, I fetched her everyday up and down, and no matter how early I also get up fetch her, now when I dont have car already, she got car, she asked me go by my own, meet at there and go back my own. And my house to that place need 30 minutes, and also got one time we are going KL for high tea together, then my dad ask me why use our car but not her car? Then I said because her mum unwilling to let her drive? Then my dad ask me why use our driver and why not use her driver? Ask her driver fetch la, then I told my dad, she dont have driver, then my dad said so she got pay you car fuel money or not? Sort of things lah.'

She said

'Ya lo, your dad is reasonable, I think she is finding excuse to you, she dont want waste her car fuel, she can pay back you car fuel one mah... then she got return you money or not?'

I said

'No la, just keep quiet, like following as a kid.'

She said

'Then when you go out with her she got pay you money or not?'

I said

'Most probably no, she only got treat me one time only when we went out KL for high tea. Mostly when we go cafe or restaurant, like the bill is RM 20.20, then she said I got $0.20 cent. Always like this. So I feel like I quite wasted money on her. Her birthday and my birthday also I paid money.'

She said

'Walao! Like this very obvious is using la, that's why your parents will ask until like this.'

I said

'But I never tell my parents about her before.'
She said

'No, this kind of thing can feel out one, you never tell me before this person before and I dont know who is that also, but from the way you described, I also can feel out she used of you.'

I said

'Ya la, my Australia friends also got feel out and ask her not to be so close with her any more.'

She said

'Ya la.... you can try to not so close with her, I mean dont straight unfriend her la, but when you come back Malaysia, call her out once or twice, but dont never call her out at all.'

I said

'Then also, got one time my mum told me, your this friend when she got need to use you only she comes and find you one, when she never needs you, she wont come and find you one, then I keep quiet and observe, I dont go and find her, then I really realized after 2 weeks, when she needs to borrow dress from me only she suddenly contact me by saying hi do you have any dress to lend me for wedding?'

She said

'Then at the time you in Australia she got find you or not?'

I said

'Never and ever.'

She said

'walao! Then 100% used of you d la.... I think you better be aware financial issue from her... dont spend too much money from her... I think she's using your everything.'

I said

'Ya la! Actually last time when I still in MMU, my friends from MMU already got observed already and told me not to let her used already. But that time, I think we are quite close then dont care about that, but when I grow older, I feel like I'm paying out alone but she never pay out also.'

She said

'What your MMU friend told you?'

I said

'He told me be aware of this friend, feel like she has tendency of using you, he ask me why you need to fetch her? Her house so near to Pay Fong, she cant go herself meh? And ask me dont buy so a lot things for her, because last time when I overseas travelled, the first person I always think of her, everything bought for her, like she told me she like branded then I bought branded for her.'

She said

'Then she go travel she got bought things back for you or not?'

I said

'NO la! She never buy things for me before.'

She said

'Then she is a close friend of yours or best friend?'

I said

'Last time I treat her quite sincere, but now I finally woke up already, and just regard her as normal friend, you know? When she borrowed things from me, I need to go her house and return and everything is according to my convenience, not my convenience, and got one time when we plan to go Singapore, also she keep finding cheap bus ticket, refused to straight reach the destination, she said taxi in Singapore very cheap only, so she wants to find cheaper bus ticket, but I know if take taxi, sure I pay it and she will keep quiet and never pay me back, so eventually I plan to not to go with her.'

She said

'Walao! Then she got want to come australia find you or not?'

I said

'Got.'

She said

'Walao! from this case, you cannot, cannot, really cannot let her come and find you. If she comes and find you, all expenses mostly under yours.'

I said

'Ya la, last time I very welcome her to come, but after that, my ex bf also told me the same thing as you, he said you 100% cannot let her come Australia find you, later when you all take bus, or having lunch outside sure she never pay back you one. Then he said if I let her come means I'm burdening myself. Then I really figure out already, and keep quiet, dont ask her come already.'

She said

'Anah! I also think of this, that is why I ask you she got want to come Australia find you or not?'

I said

'Ya la... after a few people told me the same thing then finally I cleared my mind already, last time I told my mum maybe she will come Australia find me so the next holidays I can't back to Malaysia, sort of things like that la, then my mum very worried, my mum straight said she got money to go or not? Because my mum scared she used of my money mah....'

She said

'Yes yes yes! I think better not to let her come... if not you'll very burden one. Some more your water, electricity leh... some more transport leh...'

I said

'Ya la, she ask me needs how much to there?'

I said

'Excludes airfare is like $2000 Aussie like that lo, she said 2 weeks mah. So each day is about 100 plus, transport come and back already $10, need to eat foods leh, later outside she needs to buy thing leh. Then she said she never buy things one, then I say never buy things also need at least $1500. Then she straight ask me $500 enough or not? Then my heart straight feel like reject her to come. Because she comes 2 weeks, $500 aussie survive what? 1 week also cant survive.'

She said

'Ya la! Too exaggerating already. You must protect yourself and look out the signs, one of the sign of using people means over thrifty. $500 very impossible to survive for two weeks, in US like you stay my house for 10 days also need at least $3000, because in US got factory outlet mah, let say in Australia no factory outlet, $2000 is normal expenses, let say if she is thrifty, $1500 like you said is already minimum, $500 ask her stay in your house and no need go out, then maybe take taxi from airport to your house, and your house to airport already $100, another $300, buy foods from supermarket for 2 weeks, and another $100 pay you for 2 weeks electricity, water and internet, no need go out already. Haha!'

I said

'Ya la! Too exaggerating already, so finally I cleared my mind, I think also true, she comes Australia find me, is both of our burden, so I just keep quiet and never come and ask her about the coming trip any more.'

She said

'Why this people keep using of you ones?'

I said

'How I know? She said all her friends using her and used her until no money.'

She said

'If she said her friends all are using, she should be more concern of your feeling too as she had the experience of being used.'

I said

'Then I come US, she ask me help her go factory outlet buy bag, then I said can, but you need to give me cash first because I scared I not enough of money, as my parents only give me limited money, then she said she will give me US money before I go... (havent say finish)'

Then she straight cut my conversation and said

'She got US dollar on hand meh?'

I said

'Sure dont have lah, that is why I tell her she has to give me US dollar before I go, because I already knew her intention is want me to pay first only she pay back me later. But she always ask me to buy things, she never give me money first. So I already know she will ask me to pay first.'

She said

'Better not to help her buy la, your standard and her different. Later you bought already, you say this one so cheap, how much how much only, but later she says so expensive also you buy?'

I said

'Ya la! I also think of this, because she always want cheap price till a very exaggerating limit one or impossible limit one. So I refused to help her buy.'

She said

'Finally, you learned to be smart now, dont ever being used by your friend, be friend okay, but when comes to money issue, cannot let them eat you. Some more in US, when you help her buy bag, got tax very expensive one, 10% and dont have tax refund in airport, only UK got. So later she ask you why tax plus another few tenth US dollar. Clar, I tell you, I dealt a lot with this kind of friends, mostly they came from China, so now I advised you not to help them buy. They have a very limited sense of budget, so in your eyes, you feel very cheap, but when you help them ship back, they will feel very unworthy and a lot to complain, better you buy for yourself, your luggage has limited room leh, must think of yourself first. You see! This time you went factory outlet, all bought for your family, what this for mother, this for brother, this for father, this for elder sisters and never get things for yourself. I think your person too good, no wonder your friends will take advantage of you. You no need so good one, must treat yourself better than others, but as long as you dont do bad things, that's already enough.'

I said

'I never want to treat people more than myself, I just feel like I dont have anything to buy, I already contented enough, because when I need something only I buy, so basically I dont have anything to buy, so I just buy for people.'

She said

'Ya la, I meant money is yours, if you never buy for them, you can get the things you want, even if you not needed, but extra things for yourself. This is to treat yourself better. Okay, I ask you a question, your brother or your sister or your mum got buy things for you when they went travel?'

I said

'Hahaha! No... or if yes, I will say rarely.'

She said

'There! I said that is why you no need buy so many for them, just buy one piece or two pieces for them enough already, the remaining money spend on yourself. You no need buy until 7-8 pieces for each of them, what belt what watch, just behaved as them. Like for example, your sister buy what for you if they go travel?'

I said

'No... usually come back with nothing, they will buy things for themselves only... my brother... didnt buy at all haha! Like he just came back from Thailand, he didn't buy anything...'

She laughed and said

'Ya la! Everyone is like that one mah... told you d hahaha! No need buy things for them one, if you want to buy also one or two items, buy more for yourself. Usually sure people focus more on self need first, when got remaining money only buy for others, you also cukup cukup only, dont overspent on them.'

I said

'How i know? My mum keep ask me to buy this and that, say must buy GAP,  Polo, Armani exchange and tommy Hilfigier, then buy basketball, jersey, belt for my dad and so many.'

She said

'Then you just buy one gap and polo for her enough lo.'

I said

'Then she ask me why never buy tommy hilfiger?'

She said

'You one person came only, enough place to bring back meh?'

I said

'Not enough lah, that is why I bought one extra hand carry to bring back.'

She said

'Walao! You really too good already, if my mum ask me to buy this and that, I will just tell her my luggage full already, the most I can help you bring back this and that only. So, I tell you, you cannot because of others burden yourself, you see! If not them, you also no need carry so lot and no need buy one extra hand carry.'

I said

'Haha! You said the almost same thing as my dad told me, he never say my person too good, but got one time, when I went spain with my family, he suddenly said: Dont keep thinking buy things for others! Think of what you need to buy for yourself first! Aiyo just first day only buy this buy that for others! Sien!'

She said

'Ya la! That is why I say you are not normal. Hahaha! Because based on one normal person, people sure think of buy for own first, even buy for others also wont buy so many one, I mean usually people will get things for self more than for others, not get things for others more than for self. So you have to learn to be normal a bit. Hahaha!'

A last question she inspired me a lot,

she asked me

'I ask you one question, your father good or not?'

I said

'Ermmm... consider quite a good person, a lot people said he very good.'

He said

'Then when he went travel, did he bought a lot things for others or buy things for you?'

I said

'Hahaha! NO....'

she said

'That is why I said a normal person wont keep buying things for others no matter how good is that person.'

I laughed and said

'Hahaha! How I know? I used to already.'

She asked

'Then consider your dad is a very good person, did he bought thing for you when he went overseas?'

I said

'He never, but once.'

She laughed and said

'Hahaha once only? That one too over already. At least say sometimes got and sometimes no.'

I said

'Ya la... truth la... My father never buy things for me one. Got once only, during my 21st birthday pressie, when he came Australia visited me, he bought a key necklace for me.'

She asked

'Then what about other time? Like your father sure went a lot places one, really never buy one thing for you since young until now?'

I said

'Really no  la...'

She laughed and said

'hahahaha! Very funny! But that one too over already.'

I said

'How I know? Really no. He usually went meeting or even when I study in Australia, they went Paris and Taiwan and china, all also never buy.'

She said

'Then birthday presents?'

I said

'Got, 21st once only lo.'

She laughed and said

'Hahahaha! Are you serious? Since young until now also never buy before?'

I saaid

'No la... give nothing, but my 21st birthday years old he bought 21st key necklace for me.'

She said

'Then your birthday usually how you all celebrate?'

I said

'Go out eat la... like Japanese restaurant....'

She said

'Then cake leh?'

I said

'No cake also la... everything no, just eat only la...'

She said

'Then got anything difference as go out eat together?'

I said

'No difference la...'

She keep laughing and said

'HAHAHAHA! OMG!!! Are you serious?'

I said

'Why? Very weird meh? I got one friend also, she suddenly ask me your parents really never give you birthday presents or celebrate birthday with you when your birthday? I said no la... then her face a bit shocked, eyes became bigger, but she never say anything.'

She said

'Ya la... quite weird la...'

I said

'Maybe I used to already, since young until now also 22 years never have celebration. So I dont feel anything.'

She asked

'Then like that wont become family dont have that kind of intimacy?'

I said

'What intimacy you want?? hahaha'

She said

'Become not loving?'

I said

'Hahaha! Maybe got a bit influence... like my friend say when they came australia study, they or their mums will cry in airport because of missing each other very much. But I wont drop tears one. Because dont have that kind of feeling, since we dont have any special memories.'

She said

'Ya la, normally a closeness of a family came from birthday celebration or events ones... like if you ask how good is my father, I will describe from my birthday, like birthday he will buy cakes and sing song to me, sort of thing like that...'

I said

'My dad also very good, from other aspect, like the things I want, he 100% will buy no matter how expensive is that... but from birthday I can't tell anything. For example, my 21st years old birthday, he also bought Prada bag for me, so I know he loves me from that way. Even we dont have birthday celebration, it just not our family ritual, but that doesnt mean he not loves me.'

LOL! She said

'OMG!!! Clar, why the way you talk so wise? I think this kind of things still depends on people one, some people will think they since young until now dont have family gathering or birthday celebration, they will become unhappy and lack of love those things... there... movie a lot those scenes... hahaha! You got watch movie ones or not?'

I said

'No....'

She said

'Movie always like that ones... those rich kids in the movie, what grown up to be anti social because since young dont have birthday celebration... or since young parents busy working and never care their birthdays...'

I asked her seriously

'Movie got play like that??'

She said

'Got la... those male main actor, what millionaire family, they showed the movie scene the man very rich but very anti social because since young dont have parents celebrate birthday with them... you watch Taiwan movies ones... you never see such scene before meh?'

I said

'No hahaha.'

She said

'Movie is like that one... what since young dont have birthday then grown up lack of love, very overbearing and lack of love, then when a girl love them, a love drama begins hahaha!'

I said

'Eh~!!! But I really got a bit like that one leh... My ex bf really loves me, and I think he is the only one who can gives me everything, no matter how's his financial ability, until now I still can't put down him, because I think he's the one who loves me the most in the world, even the things my parents didn't done to me, he had done to me. Like fulfilling a thing that my parents didn't fulfil it.'

She said

'For example what thing?'

i said

'Like from love aspect la, he will fulfil me whatever things, not in financial but in terms of action, like impossible I tell my father Pa help me this or Pa can celebrate birthday with me or not? But I can tell him this time my birthday we go where where where ah, or I cant tell my dad can go sunway lagoon play water together or not? But I can tell him saturday we go play water ok? And also, for an example, when I very sad, he will bought sweets for me, but when I very sad, cried in my room or what, my dad dont know also, and even he knows, he wont do anything also. So, that is the reason I cant put down him.'

She laughed and said

'Exactly same like the movie and now all these movies applied into your reality. And now I know movies is the fake, is real life stories.'

Overall,

now I had been getting wiser and wiser after receiving different sorts,

I don't know whether now I'm looking at a 'different sky' or maybe social identity had been upgraded to a significant degree,

needlessly to say,

I don't look down people, but just to avoid someone using me.

That's my principle,

I don't discharge people who came from poorer family but I really highly discharged people who used of me,

because they are actually burden me and paying nothing in my life, as a little rat who eaten the materialistic life I own.

Finally,

I have reached the destination of Los Angeles after 22 hours flights plus transition,

now I had seen bed of roses in my life,

America is so beautiful and wonderful,

I love the ambience and culture here a lot, 

just noticed the State's accent is a little bit different from Australia and just knew that Australia actually has the similar accent as United Kingdom but not really the same.

Nonetheless, I'm lucky enough to pass through the immigration session,

they thought I'm America student so didn't question me a lot,

because mummy said they might question me a lot and maybe even need to go through inspection due to my young age travel alone to America.

But still,
the first thing I did when I get into the hotel is to take shower;
undressed all the shinning necklace,earring and watch from myself.

Technically,

they even thought I'm local student and let me pass through.

The custom officer saw my immigration form status as 'visitor',

he thought I'm local student and asked me

'Where are you studying?'

I said

'Uhmmm... I'm studying in University of South Australia?'

He said

'South Australia?? You studying in Australia?? Awwww.... I thought you are student from America.'

I laughed and said

'Haha! I just came here for my winter holidays and visit my friend.'

he said

'Awww.... have your good time then!'

Anyway,

now time in State is slower than Malaysia 15 hours.

After 12 hours of sleeping in plane,

now I still gonna sleep again due to time zone adjustment.

Mommy asked me to take medicine again to adjust my day and night time.

LOL! So today I eaten two pills instead of one due to the day and night adjustment.

Bye Malaysia and hi America,

tomorrow I'll have a lot and lot of photos to be upload in my blog to keep it as long term memories of mine.

After I come back from America,

IELTS exam result is coming soon.

Scary though but I expect the result will be excellent in writing and speaking paper,

average result in listening and perhaps poor reading.

That's what I expected but hope miracles would happen.

2 o'clock midnight now,

I'm fine, I don't hate her any more.

I'm much better now, no longer so suffer as past any more.

Good night peeps.

Just a moment ago,

I just updated and refreshed my blog songs,

which is the first five songs that playing in my blog now.

All these songs are the songs where I used to listened and sang in car when I was 8 years old,

vividly recalled, when driver fetching me to school,

I loved to whistled and sang all these songs,

especially Hero from singer Enrique Iglesias.

But I wondered how could I understand what is love when I was in my eighth years of life?

Now,

when I began to listen back all these songs,

I realized it's so meaningful and true indeed when applied into life.

It could be both apply into a love and hate relationship.

When I was young, I remembered I asked daddy what is hate?

Daddy answered me

'Hate means dont like'

But now, 

I understood that from what daddy answered me wasn't a complete meaning,

I knew daddy answered me that way because it's too intricate for an eight years old to understand this noun.

Yet, in my twenty two,

I had been fully grasped a broader definition of hate,

which is hate not merely refers to dislike, but it far beyond than that.

Perhaps,

there's no one for me to loathe during such a tender age and thus I wouldn't understand what's so called a real hate.

Until when I was 15,

 I started came to a realization that hate is something that you would rolled your eyes hatefully when you met someone you dislike or flatten your lips when that person looked at you.

When I am twenty-two,

finally I had comprehended what is the complete definition of hatred without someone really explains to me,

I guessed she's the one who taught me what is so called a real hate without really explains to me,

when I asked her why she hatred me?

She answered me that she didn't.

From my perspective,

I guessed she doesn't understands what is so called a hate,

she might doesn't comprehend her own deep down feeling.

She hates me but she doesn't knows that's hate, 

even Sherryn also smiled and eventually concluded

'A little bit'

But, yeah! 

It's a token of my appreciation to appreciate her for letting me know this meaning completely.

She taught me this meaning in a non-verbal way by showing her daily pathetic actions to me,

now I been able to formed plenty of sentences about the word of 'hate' without contextual error,

no one english teacher taught me this word before, but she's the first and only one.

Now,

I knew what is hate.

But still,

her words are always non-parallel from her actions.

I asked her 

'You know what is hate or not?'

She answered me

'I knew! I didnt hate you, hate means disliked a person till a certain extent.'

I talked back her

'Yes, exactly what you meant and also plus a harm at the end. Because the outcome of hate is harm.'

She laughed but denied her actions.

She said

'Noooo.... hate means disliked till a certain extent only, no harm.'

I said

'Yes, hate means harm, hate already so harm, like you, when you hate me till a significant degree so you harmed. So hate means harm.'

She said

'I didnt harm you.'

I said

'So from your perspective, how to prove you didnt harm me? From what example? From my perspective, I think you harmed me because you always trying to let your dog bite me!'

She said

'No, that is not real, that is frightened, because my neighbour asked me to do so.'

I said

'That is not frightened, that is real.'

She said

'No, that is not real, that is frightened.'

I said

'So how you prove that its not real and it's only frightened? You beaten me also considered harm. Because harm means something is done to trigger consequences, something bad happened on me after you beat me, the consequences is I got bad wounds and scars after you beaten me. So means you harm me~!!!'

She said

'No, I not really trying to beat you, I just tried to frightened.'

I said

'You know what is the meaning of frighten? Frighten means a real-like action to prevent someone doing something but not real. But yours is real, because got scars means real and no scars means frighten. So yours is got scars, really beat until me already, you harmed me!!!'

Doubtlessly,

she was stumped by my childish but rational sophistry at the end,

she used smile to take over that awkward part.

Perhaps,

I was too straight forward at times,

whenever I can't understand something; especially why people treat me badly,

I would questioned authority figure bluntly without putting myself in their shoes...

Prior to the two weeks holiday mood,

I still got two weeks exam mood to go.

Actually,

it's merely an English test,

but I took it so serious just because want to get something out of the best,

awfully diligent to prepared for master's degree,

today is my first time to tried the IELTS practice test,

ignored the time taken and just focused on the questions,

concentrated on the format and question structure,

had been reading carefully and seriously answer the questions to ensure it's 100% faultless. 

But still, no one is perfect.

Got a very terrible result which is 30/40 for my reading test.

Told chin yean in whatsapp about my underachievement,

she told me it's normal for the first time to get 30 out of 40,

and she said some people even worst!

Just realized IELTS isn't a piece of cake,

it need extra effort to pass with flying colour as its international English test instead of Malaysia English test.

The questions are sort of extremely tricky, is wasn't ask you about black and white answer based on the text,

it test you about your understanding and reasoning,

the answers are most probably in sort of contradicting form,

ermmm, how to explains its difficulty?

For an instance,

 the answer explains in whole paragraph explanation rather than one sentence explanation,

and also it used different key words and phrases to make you hard to scan through the texts.

Anyway,

its 'heaven and earth' when compared to MUET.

To be frankly,

with non practising for MUET exam,

I could scored a high band 4 for the test.

But IELTS seems scary though,

today I used my whole afternoon for the reading test,

and realized that its really really not easyyy.

Good night peeps,

it's time to sleep and conquer this scary IELTS on tomorrow again.

My 'budget' - Make sure a band 7.0 is achieved.

Nightly quote for tonight,

"No one will knows you are dumb if you are diligent enough in trying something"