matter of trust

In my phobia list,

I afraid most of the living things and non living things in the world.

It could be say that I'm a coward.

Sherryn brought me to a 10th tower tall building and asked me

'You scared of height or not?'

I answered her triumphantly 

'Of course not scared! 10th floors only! Last time my time brought me to USA grand canyon, he keep saying very scary, he says when looking down from top, can pee out. Who knows when I went, nothing at all, I still can looking around and running around.'

Who knows when Sherryn brought me to that place,

when I first saw my front step is a piece of transparent glass,

I even screamed out madly because I felt like I almost fall down from a tenth floor tall building if I step on the glass.

Sherryn keep laughing and said

'Not say 10th floor only meh? Not say you not scared meh?'

I laughed and said

'Hahaha! How I know? I thought you want to show me front view instead of bottom view. I not afraid if standing on concrete marble floor, glass of course scared! How if suddenly break, then I fall down onto the road?'

Besides than that,

my phobia list includes afraid of villains, fatty persons, dark skins, fierce individuals, dogs and cats,

and even 'her'.

I don't know why I still afraid of her until now,

it that kind of very very afraid, very very shy,

scared she'll betrays me; harms me or traps me once again.

She said she wouldn't beats me any more,

I said she will beats me some more,

I asked her to prove the evidence that she said she wouldn't,

she said she won't because she knew herself,

I said she will because I knew her,

she said again she knows she wouldn't beat me because she know herself a lot,

I said I also know her a lot,

she said again she really wouldn't because she know herself ,

I said I know her better than herself,

she said I talked like I'm a person who gives birth to her,

I said I talked like a person who understand her as a whole instead of a person who gives birth to her.

After this endless argument,

I think it's time to trust her when I recalled the flashback scene 'sorry, sorry, really sorry'.

I don't know why this phrase keep floating on my mind and feel like I could forgive her quickly and immediately.

I have had a sense that I need strength, courage and confidence by each experience facing her in which I really stop to look fear in the face.

I think I'm now able to speak to myself

"I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along and I must do the thing I think I cannot do."

This is the only way to conquer my fears and phobias,

finally,

I had a little courage to shake hand with her and being touched.

At least, my head didn't shrink away when being touched.

I knew it proven that she's no longer so scary in my mind,

the second meaning,

I'm asking myself again and again,

she touched my head means really want to befriend with me?

To be frankly,

I'm am moved that an enemy touched my head while saying goodbye.

But at the same time,

I'm frightened by her action and asking myself

'Is she a real she now? Since when she became so tender, aint that she's my abuser? Why she would touched my head? Kinda scary and kinda not scary....'

Anyway,

Thanks God for making me happier a lot when compared to past,

my happier came from the minimization of physical pains; emotional pains, fears, insecure and worries.

She certainly ease up my fears and unhappiness by not beating me any more,

but I don't know this secure feeling could long lasting how long,

I knew I'm still overly insecure at times,

when we mentioned the relationship between hk and me,

I even rolled down my tears immediately when the word of 'breakup' was mentioned,

I cried and said

'I very scared you beat me again and nobody can protects me.'

I knew I'm too straight forward sometimes and didn't consider about someone's feeling who sitting in front of me,

She was speechless and avoided eye contact,

at that time,

my tears had blurred my vision and I can't see where she's looking at,

but doubtlessly I could tell that her face wasn't facing me,

I guessed she must be angry when heard I said so :(

Well,

 stop talking about few months ago matter, really feel overwhelmed when such memories crossed my mind.

Three thirty in the midnight now,

it's time to get a long night nap and prepared for a brand new day for tomorrow.