Since the last day of my high school,
I certainly live in one of the the most bizarre nightmare in my life.
There's no one can comes into my life and adjust my true emotions,
till now, the trauma still here and it is an absolute miracle for me because I can't dump it,
I can't denied that I've partially recovered but I gotta admit that the old sickness hunt me once in a while, especially the late midnight.
As a Bachelor of Arts graduate,
I gonna declare that the simplest definition of"Trauma" is not visibly physical hurt nor emotional hurt, but the inability to cope with the overwhelming event.
Likewise, it's the unspeakable sadness which buried in one's heart for eternity.
The traumatic mind often flooded with flashbacks, a circuit breaker is thrown that allows us to survive the experience fairly intact,
which is without being psychotic or frying out one of the brains.
We can't determine the recovery timing until we are heal by that particular abuser,
to be honest, I really find that way puzzle out for me,
we speak to each other occasionally, although the resentment still there and legally they are still a frenemy of us, but at least,
they sweetened our heart instead of pouring more salts like past,
or should I say, at least they are the extraordinary individual who can heal us.
I'm one of the abused children whom cling to the hope that grown up with freedom and happiness,
I could say that my personality is formed in the environment of coercive control both from schools and home and perhaps I'm not well-adjusted the environment to adult life.
"Environment of coercive control" - I loathe to used the word,
but I still have to used it, because it already became a fact in my life,
I hate the well she dominated me, I even more hate the way I surrender to her and allowed her to mistreated me.
I really hate my vulnerability, at times, I really wished that I could disappeared in this world without pain and bye, maybe a quick accident.
I hate people say bye to me, I just wanted to come solo and leave solo in this world.
I hate to recap the memories, but my mind brutally forced me to rewind all these shitty incidents.
I hate somebody whacked me, I hate the way she coerced me every time to forced me obeyed her way.
Now, I'm thinking that my suffering began to makes me tortured myself,
I can't denied that I am alcoholic and slightly drug abused.
Last night,
I almost consumed a bottle of alcohol, because I thought I could sleep peacefully with insobriety,
and thus I even restricted myself to take the tranquilizer pill and insist to sleep with my own ability,
but somehow, after the tipsiness went off,
I'm still like usual, insomnia disallowed me to have a good sleep.
I told myself I can do it if I wanted to,
I tried to sleep peacefully, closed up my eyes,
not to think about anything, and think about the good thing,
nothing helps.
Indeed,
I really really dislike my vulnerability and disability,
I think these two factors limits my happiness and limits the way I protect myself,
I been asking myself for a long time
"Why the world is unfair?"
And our law lecturer inadvertently explained this in class,
she indirectly answered me
"The world is made to be unfair, so you guys have to be smart in protect yourself, this morning, an undergraduate kid came to me and told me that her friend made used of her, and the exam is unfair to her, because there are a lot of people in this worlds, they pretended to be good to you, and they knew something, but flatly they will tell you something which is untrue to attain their personal achievements. But what to do? If you're smart in protecting yourself, nothing gonna be happen."
I learned her words wisely, and have indirectly applied into my situation,
I admitted that I'm not really good in defending myself,
that is why I always said that I hate my vulnerability and disability,
I hate the way she controlled me in school and I have no way to her!
I hate the way both she swagger in school and at her house.
Gerrrrrr! I feel like screamed the whole house and burst my anger,
and I did it last night, unconsciously I screamed it when I can't take it anymore,
I don't care my housemates might think me something wrong or having any mental disorders,
but I just can't control my own negative emotions.
As a Bachelor of Arts graduate,
I gonna declare that the simplest definition of
Likewise, it's the unspeakable sadness which buried in one's heart for eternity.
The traumatic mind often flooded with flashbacks, a circuit breaker is thrown that allows us to survive the experience fairly intact,
which is without being psychotic or frying out one of the brains.
We can't determine the recovery timing until we are heal by that particular abuser,
to be honest, I really find that way puzzle out for me,
we speak to each other occasionally, although the resentment still there and legally they are still a frenemy of us, but at least,
they sweetened our heart instead of pouring more salts like past,
or should I say, at least they are the extraordinary individual who can heal us.
I'm one of the abused children whom cling to the hope that grown up with freedom and happiness,
I could say that my personality is formed in the environment of coercive control both from schools and home and perhaps I'm not well-adjusted the environment to adult life.
"Environment of coercive control" - I loathe to used the word,
but I still have to used it, because it already became a fact in my life,
I hate the well she dominated me, I even more hate the way I surrender to her and allowed her to mistreated me.
I really hate my vulnerability, at times, I really wished that I could disappeared in this world without pain and bye, maybe a quick accident.
I hate people say bye to me, I just wanted to come solo and leave solo in this world.
I hate to recap the memories, but my mind brutally forced me to rewind all these shitty incidents.
I hate somebody whacked me, I hate the way she coerced me every time to forced me obeyed her way.
Now, I'm thinking that my suffering began to makes me tortured myself,
I can't denied that I am alcoholic and slightly drug abused.
Last night,
I almost consumed a bottle of alcohol, because I thought I could sleep peacefully with insobriety,
and thus I even restricted myself to take the tranquilizer pill and insist to sleep with my own ability,
but somehow, after the tipsiness went off,
I'm still like usual, insomnia disallowed me to have a good sleep.
I told myself I can do it if I wanted to,
I tried to sleep peacefully, closed up my eyes,
not to think about anything, and think about the good thing,
nothing helps.
Indeed,
I really really dislike my vulnerability and disability,
I think these two factors limits my happiness and limits the way I protect myself,
I been asking myself for a long time
"Why the world is unfair?"
And our law lecturer inadvertently explained this in class,
she indirectly answered me
"The world is made to be unfair, so you guys have to be smart in protect yourself, this morning, an undergraduate kid came to me and told me that her friend made used of her, and the exam is unfair to her, because there are a lot of people in this worlds, they pretended to be good to you, and they knew something, but flatly they will tell you something which is untrue to attain their personal achievements. But what to do? If you're smart in protecting yourself, nothing gonna be happen."
I learned her words wisely, and have indirectly applied into my situation,
I admitted that I'm not really good in defending myself,
that is why I always said that I hate my vulnerability and disability,
I hate the way she controlled me in school and I have no way to her!
I hate the way both she swagger in school and at her house.
Gerrrrrr! I feel like screamed the whole house and burst my anger,
and I did it last night, unconsciously I screamed it when I can't take it anymore,
I don't care my housemates might think me something wrong or having any mental disorders,
but I just can't control my own negative emotions.
