Dear God,

I really hope that we can be friend,

I knew the definition of 'forgive',

but I don't really know how to done that;

I don't know what is the first step of forgive in order to achieve forget.

This battle of resentment had surely lead exhausted in both of us.

Indeed,

my deep down hold an indescribable guiltiness and sorriness for bring her discomfort.

When I poured out my heart within myself,

I acknowledged that this short meet does really helped me a lot despite I was in the state of extremely refused in the first place.

Although I hadn't really heard the brief explanation of her past actions,

but her sincerity of coming has been received thoroughly. 

Vividly recalled,

Hung Kiat asked me

'Did Pn Lye told you about add math day just now?'

I shook my head and said

'No'

He said

'Har, then what she said?'

I said

'We never talk about past, because when she wants to speak about sorry, I close up my ears and keep talking to myself, so I only heard my voice instead of her voice.'

He said

'Then you one sentence about sorry also never heard at all?'

I said

'No, because once I heard the word sorry, then I quickly close up my ears, then started talking to myself, so when I stuffed both my ear with fingers, I heard loud voices which produced by my body.'

He said

'Ohhhh I can imagined that type of feeling, means you heard your own loud voice because you closed up your ears. Then you can't heard her voice at all?'

I said

'I could heard her voice when I closed up my ears and talked, but can't heard what she is actually talking about.'

He said

'Then what you all actually talked about if you refused to listen?'

I said

'We talked to Datin about everything gossip.'

Hung Kiat said

'Also true, this kind of thing must come slowly, things came too sudden sure you havent got preparation and refused to listen.'

I asked him

'You meant I refused to listen because havent got preparation?'

He said

'Of course lah, so sudden pop out in front of you without your knowing.'

I asked

'You think I will just reject her apologize once or forever?'

He said

'Once bah.... you can talk to her means you might accept on the next time. I think maybe the second time you will definitely listen.'

I said

'Head! No more second time! If she really comes for the second time, I will kill Datin!!!!'

When Hung Kiat heard that,

he can't stop laughing!!! LOL!!!

He laughed and said

'Hahahaha! Funny! You said you will kill Datin if she comes some more!'

I said

'Anah! She talk about anything I dont mind, but I just dont want she talk about add math, dont you feel like when she talks about it, both of us are like walking back to the scene? Because I think I very satisfied my life now, I dont want go back to past, I really cannot go back to the past, very suffered....'

Hung Kiat even said

'She talk to you about past wont let you go back to past but will only move forward.'

I said

'Your head! She talk bout past means go back past.'

He said

'Move forward.'

I said

'Go back past lah... because when mentioned till add math, I have the feeling we walked back to the scenario, and I scared the flashback will happened again, I can feel pain on my leg.'

He asked

'Flashback also can feel painful ones?'

I said

'Can lah... I dont know why, whenever my brain got that flashback where both of us sat on the bench, then I can feel pain on my leg. So that is why I keep on avoid the conversation, because when mention of the scene, my leg will painful.'

He even asked me a question

'Then you wish to let Pn Lye comes again?'

I said

'No. Because I already feel contented at this stage, I dont want listen her stories make me go back to past. You forgot the time that I suffered when I was in MMU? You want me go back that period?'

He said 

'No la... her apologies and explanation will only makes you move forward, not backward. Dont scared lah....'

I said

'You ask me not to scared? You really not afraid I walk back to origin? My recovery is your biggest dream, you everyday never failed to remind me for taking medicine at Australia and never failed to feed me medicine in Malaysia, and now I already recovered into this stage, you dont scared all of these will in vain?'

He said

'Because I knew her apologies and brief explanation will only make you move forward, forgive and forget after you understand her.'

I said

'What understand? She never tell me why she beaten me during add math day also.'

He said

'Ya la, because she havent tell mah, how if one day she tells?'

I said

'The truth is she herself also dont know whats the reason, what you expect more? How she going to tell me in the condition of she herself also dont know?'

He said

'I think she knows but still hasn't had the courage to tell.'

I said

'What havent got courage? If she dont have courage she will came? Sure she got think what to say before she comes ones...'

He said

'Dont hate Datin lah, Datin is helping you. You see now you get better a lot after that Friday.'

I said

'I never get better at all.'

He said

'Very obviously you get better. Previously, no matter what she did, called your father, told my father, lodged police or beaten you like hell also you came on the next day, doing the same thing, now you can stop going a lot of days, never disturb any more and unwittingly you let go a lot. Dont you think so? So I think all these need interaction.'

I said

'Interact your head ! I think it will only worsened my condition.'

He said

'You see your father go and asked God also God said the main problem is both of you lack of interaction.'

I said

'God never survive in this world, so he dont know. But I know!'

when I said like that,

Hung Kiat even non stop laughing and said

'Hahahaha! Sampat lahhhh you said like that! Funny!'

I laughed and said

'Ya la... I no need her, I can forget myself. What fart interaction only worsened me!'

Hung Kiat even asked me seriously

'Why you keep on want to reject people's kindness and live in suffering? You obviously need the apologies and you said you no need, you obviously need her you said you no need.'

I even get angry and said

'Eh! Even doctor also cant help, you think she can help? You think she got so clever? If she really got so clever she already becomes doctor!'

Hung Kiat even said

'Ya la in this situation doctor can't help but only she can help mah.... because she is the only one who can solve problem and untie your knot. To be frankly, I think doctor really can't help. Doctor can prescribe you medicine only... without her, you really have to one lifetime rely on medicine, this is what doctor can help only.'

I even getting angrier and said

'Heng! You really think she is doctor!'

He said

'She is not doctor but the fact is very obvious only she can help. Very common sense, everyone will think that way. Even I told your mom that Pn Lye want to apologize to you, your mum very happy, you know what she said? She said finally God help my daughter. She will said like that is because she also knew only Pn Lye can help.'

I said

'Why?'

He said

'Very obvious lah, common sense people will think that way. Because this kind of thing doctor really hard to help ones... they can only prescribe medicine and do nothing, because the traumatic memory is in your mind so they can't do anything, unless you break your head and got memory loss. But only pn lye can help, because she is the only one who knew what happened, so she knew what to say and how to explain to make you put down.'

I said

'I really no need what apologize, I just want a life like now, I satisfied already, I dont want move backward nor move forward, I already felt contented, I scared the more she did the more I get worst.'

He said

'Now you where got get worse?'

I said

'Got.... you see now I still going....'

He said

'Go is of course you still will go... but you already never disturb and rarely go.... and very obviously changed a lot....'

I said

'Then I think I already recovered, I dont want she apologized any more. I dont want make myself worse, I dont want go back to past.'

He even said

'You just sympathize her but not forgive her, because you never disturb her but you still going. You never disturb her is because you sympathize her, you still going is because you havent forgive. The reason is because you haven't listen her apologize so you havent forgive, but you just heard Datin said she is pity so you sympathized her.'

I said

'I just want her to shift then I will forgive.'

He said

'No you wont, if she never apologize, I bet even she shift already you still wont forgive plus forget.'

I said

'I will.'

He said

'You wont.'

I said

'I really will.'

He said

'You really wont.'

I said

'Why?'

He said

'Because when she havent explain, you havent understand her, when you havent understand her, you dont know then when you dont know, you wont forget and forgive.'

I said

'But the fact is even she herself also dont know why she did that, how to explain?'

Hung Kiat even said

'I really hope you dont denied her help when you need it the most.'

I said

'First time Majestic, Second time Ramada, the third time I will choose a more expensive place to make her cannot make it.'

Hung Kiat laughed and said

'Hahaha! What she scared? Got Datin beside! She no need to pay at all.'

After Hung Kiat said this,

this morning I even saw this picture quote in FACEBOOK and think of what Hung Kiat mentioned in few days ago.

I sat down with a cup of coffee and pondered that do I really same as what the picture speak?

Do I really suffering in the toughest thing in life right now and pretending that I no need someone when I need them the most?

Seriously,

I am getting hard to understand my own psychological condition now,

I just feel like I dont want to move neither forward nor backward but just want to stay at the same place.

Well,
it's almost 4am now!
I should sleep now! Bye bloggie :D

After seeing this picture quote from Facebook,

it made me understand more about the phrase of "No pain no gain".

And this is the definition that why people always curious about I got good grades with the presence of shopping and beaching everyday?

The solid reason is because I don't sleep. LOL!

This saying made me suddenly recalled of my cousin - Ali, told me about how mighty was my reputation in GBS.

My cousin 20 years old and she is younger than me 1 year old,

she studied at SMK Bukit Baru,

LOL!

She said

'Heyyy! My friend knew you, she said you are the most famous Ah Ngoh in school, even I studied at SMK Bukit Baru also I heard your name.'

I said

'Why she would told you about me? How she knew you knew me?'

She said

'Initially she didn't knows I know you, she just randomly showed me your sis facebook picture and told me: See! This one my friend super rich ones... she is anak datuk... duh.... her 21st birthday party only held until like this.... this is her house... see so big... then I saw she is pointing Huay ling in the picture, then I laughed and told her this is my cousin hahaha!'

I said

'Then how you knew her ones?'

She said

'She is my colleague... last time she studied in GBS ones... she older than you 2 years.... when mentioned till Huay Ling, then she told me : This person's sister we call Ah Ngoh, she got hyperactive ones... she everyday disturbed here disturbed there ones, but her results superb ones...'

I laughed and said

'Hahahaha no la... average only... she simply heard and said ones....'

She said

'Dont know... she said you very clever in study ones... she said heard a lot people said you are clever in study... she said the teachers who teach you also got teach her class, so got teachers told them your result very good... then she asked me where are you now? I told her you studying at Australia... Then she said anah she very clever study ones leh...'

I said

'No la... dont hear them simply said lah.... who is the fella? What's her name?'

She said

'Ren Chi.... her name... older than you 2 years.... now 23 years old...'

I said

'Dont know... who ren chi... heard also never heard before...'

She even laughed and showed me her facebook picture.

She said

'Duh... this one...'

I said

'Dont know... never see before! Hahaha!'

She laughed and said

'Hahaha she said you too famous already... people knew you but you wont know people... she said you are famous because you are rich plus pretty plus clever in study, but she said you everyday disturbed ones... she said: I very hairan, that Ah Ngoh no need study, everyday go here go there disturb here disturb there, why her results so good ones? hahahaha she keep on told me like this....'

I said

'How she said I disturbed?'

She said

'Dont know... she said from what you saw you will disturbed ones... regardless is object or subject.... she said you saw something then you must use your hand to touch... something like that la.... she keep on said she hairan you never sit down and study but how come your results so good ones?'

I laughed and said

'Eh dont play play hor! My best friend Emily also like that ones... she everyday at home said boring here boring there... every time stand at her bedroom window there and do nothing, look here look there... her result come out 4 flat hor.... all straight As....'

When I said like that,

Ali and Ah ting keep laughing hahahaha like that!

Ah Ting is the younger sister who currently studying in MMU,

she laughed and said

'Eh yes yes yes! Until now I still got saw Emily in MMU, always go here go there, really nothing to do ones.... Hahahaha but I dont know her results lah... because we are different course... I just got always saw this person in school only....'

Ali asked

'Who Emily?'

Ah Ting said

'Very famous ones... Our school MMU ones....'

I said

'Anah! She last time in GBS also very famous ones.... funny! My boyfriend told other people she never seen Emily in school before, those photographers terperanjat and laughed until die... One photographer even laughed till the water in his mouth erupted....'

Ah Ting laughed and said

'Har! Your boyfriend study in GBS 5 years already really never saw Emily in school before? Hahahahaha! What he doing in school?'

I said

'How I know? I everyday come out class and walked around in school, he said he seldom see me.... he said just went form 1 tuition and form 3 tuition saw me only....'

Ali asked

'Last time how you very naughty in school?'

I said

'A lot lah.... disturbed pengawas, opposed them all those lah... or go and disturbed my school staffs like canteen staffs or cleaning staffs all those lah....'

She asked

'You never fight or smoke ones?'

I said

'No....'

She said

'Ponteng sekolah leh?'

I said

'No.... I everyday went to school ones... hahaha!'

She said

'Sleep in class leh?'

I said

'No wor....'

She said

'Oh I think your naughty is disturbing naughty.... not like gengster type ones...'

I laughed and said

'Hahaha.... my school is a very good school, my school is study type ones... so people like me already considered very naughty.... or maybe got also I dont know lah... because I not study last class....'

She told Ah Ting

'Oh ya! She study GBS... her school dont have much discipline problem ones... GBS memang very peaceful ones...

I said

'Anah! Hahaha! I tell you, dont play play, last time when I was standard 6, our school headmistress still got announced during assembly said congratulations that our school got 3 students successfully enrolled into GBS... hahaha! Like GBS very hard to enter like that.... Funny! She said the students whose results successfully accepted by GBS are Hau Tiong Liang, Ngoh Huay Ching and Ng Wei Fang.'

When I said like that,

both of them even keep laughing! Hahahahaha!

Then Ah Ting said

'Anah! GBS very hard to entered ones leh... I heard they said a lot people want to enter gbs ones....'

I said

'I dont know... last time my father said study gbs... then I just submitted the form and filled up GBS only... then the result maybe is sent by my school ones... then our headmistress said enter GBS requirement is cannot fail Bahasa Melayu.'

Ali laughed and said

'Hahaha! Ting! You see! GBS the most naughty ones is only like her only... Heng!  you dont know our school... waseh... nobody scared of discipline teacher...'

I said

'I dont know lah... maybe got people who naughty than me also I dont know lah... because I think myself consider very naughty already... I dont listen what people said ones...'

She said

'No leh just now from what you said, I think nothing only... what disturb canteen staffs hahahaha... my school lagi worst, beat teacher all those ones... or one gang people spoiled teacher's car.... stole teacher's phone all those....'

I said

'I knew lah... SMK bukit baru.. the school at the bottom of my house... that school all malay ones... last time got one malay boy always passed by my house and pressed the bell ones... and every time when my driver fetched me back to home, I can see one gang of malay boys walked together like samseng... their necktie all short short ones... and they wear songkok ones... some got smoking ones...'

She said

'Anah! I tell you, last time I also very naughty in school ones.... I did a lot of silly things....'

I said

'What you did? Hahaha!'

She said

'Everyday I sleep at 2-3am... then early morning 6am wake up very tired, i go school sleep from morning till after school bell ring....hahahaha! You leh? You never sleep in class ones?'

I said

'No wor... dont know why... I from primary school till secondary school never sleep in class at all... once also never... I will find things to do ones... go out the class or go find people...'

She laughed and said

'I knew already, you this type of person is people who got du shu de liao (study ingredient LOL)... people who clever in study usually wont sleep in class ones... really... my school also like that ones... those in front class ones, they wont sleep ones....'

I said

'Anoh anoh! My boyfriend last time study behind class ones... he also said he always sleep ones... why ah?'

She said

'Dont know... is like that ones... people who study in front class all wont sleep ones? When teacher not around, they will just talked to their friends or do their works only...'

I said

'But for me, I always go out class ones... because I think I want to look things... in class all facing wall and boards very boring....'

She said

'You will disturb teacher ones or not? How you disturbed?'

I said

'Will... I will disturbed teacher ones... like teacher sit in canteen, talked to the person who sit in front of her, I straight pretend snatched her handbag and ran away, let her shocked and thought got robber hahahaha....'

Both of them even laughed very loud. HAHAHAHA!

Ali said

'Then how was the teacher's reaction?'

I said

'Shocked lah! She thought she eat at mamak store and somebody snatched her handbag like that ! Hahaha! Her head straight 90 degree turned to me like get shocked like that... then when she saw my face only she laughed.... She said: Ngoh jahat ah.... nanti cakap bapa ah! Hahahaha!'

She laughed and said

'Hahahaha! She knew your father meh?'

I said

'Knew lah, because my father is school PIBG....'

She said

'Oh ya... her father is school PIBG... I got heard Ren Chi said... I wondered how that teacher knew your father hahaha....'

I said

'You leh? You got disturbed teacher ones?'

She said

'Got lah! Last time I disliked one malay teacher who teach English, then got one time, I go and took string tied at the staircase handle and the staircase gate... refused let her go up and get into my class hahahaha!'

I said

'Sampat ones! Hahaha then she how?'

She said

'Then her body keep on left right left right want to rush up like that... then I blocked her and refused let her come up hahahaha.... then I quickly ran to the class door there and wait her, when she reached the door there, I still blocked her way and refused let her come in, then after that she get angry and told the class: Ok I dont want teach this class any more! Then she walked back to staffroom hahaha.... then whole class cheered.... funny!'

I said

'Hahaha I think you naughty than me... last time I mostly took people things away only... after awhile I returned already... never so siao like you... disturbed teacher also joke and laughed only... usually used verbal ones... seldom use action ones...'

She said

'Last time I got a lot of discipline records hahaha!'

I said

'What discipline record?'

She said

'Bullied OKU!'

(White shirt)

When she said that all of us keep laughing!

Funny!

I said

'How you bullied OKU?'

I said

'Last time my class got one malay girl is OKU.... teacher said me bullied autistic hahaha.. I shake her head and pulled her tudung... then she went back home told her mum, her mum go school complained principle, then the principle told the discipline teacher, then the discipline teacher came and find me, she blacklisted my name under bullied OKU hahahaha!'

I laughed and said

'Hahahaha! Sampat ones you!'

She said

'You? Your school dont have OKU let you disturb? Hahaha!'

I said

'So far I never seen before... I think people think me OKU got lah.... '

When I said like that both of them keep laughing!

Ah Ting laughed and said

'Hahahaha why said so?'

I said

'Because last time in school, I too dont care already, like those last class malay boys disturbed me or bullied me also I dont care them ones... so they thought I got problem ones... every time when I passed by, they took chalk or tiny stone threw at me.... or shout me Moi.... then asked something, then when I never care them, they will laughed together... one of the time, got malay boy threw chalk at my head... very painful know? But I dont care and walk away....'

Ali said

'Hahaha! Last time I very naughty ones.... I every time eat bread in class, because very hungry... then teacher asked me to keep, she said: Eh! Simpan! Jangan makan! Then I dont care and continued eat, then she saw I still eating, then she dont care already....'

I said

'Hahaha! Your behavior really look like my school last class ones... I heard my boyfriend said his friend also like that ones....'

She said

'Anah! Last time I was second last class.... You leh?'

I said

'Me ah? Always in the middle class.... got 8 classes, I always stay around 3rd-4th class like that....'

She said

'Your boyfriend leh?'

I said

'My boyfriend last time economy class and perdagangan 2. Last class and last 2.'

She said

'Then how your boyfriend knew you and how he fallen in love with you?'

I said

'Last time tuition lo... form 1 I got tuition with him, he remembered me in the tuition, but I dont remembered him at all, form 3 also got another tuition, he said he remembered me, but I dont remembered him. Then last time form 3 I started to play Facebook mah... and MSN.... then he always chat with me and started to like me lo... because he seldom see me in school, so we only have that way to communicate to each other...'

She asked

'When he began to loved you?'

I said

'We have been chatted for long time, but he loved me when we were form 5, he said because one of the time I entered his class and did seni project, he said I sat in front of him and he likes my seriousness when I doing something, he said when I serious very pretty. Hahaha! Sampat ones!'

She asked

'Why you would entered his class did seni project ones?'

I said

'Because I was science class last time, I dont have seni class in my timetable ones... actually science class student's project all do at home ones... but last time I always merayau-rayau in school, so when teacher saw me walking around, she asked me go her class and rushed my seni project lo... then coincidence is my boyfriend's class.... coincidence I sit face-to-face with him, he told me ones but I dont remembered ones... he said when I asked him to help me carved the wood, he very happy.... he said because that time he already started to like me... hahaha!'

She said

'Then he likes you because your seriousness?'

I said

'Yes, he said because I am always naughty and disturbing, not very often can see my seriousness, so he said he is attracted to my seriousness. He said he likes me because of my personality, when crazy very crazy, when serious very serious.'

It's not a piece of cake to forget when someone breaks your trust remarkably in past,

especially if you afraid of it might be broken again yet holding onto doubt is a sure-fire way to suffer.

It's really hard to trust someone changed 360 degree,

it's really hard to trust they treat you goodly instead of poisonously as past,

sure enough you will hold 100% doubts within yourself towards them that what's their final motive?

Little hurts worse than the suspicion that someone else might hurt you,

this isn't the kind of thing you can just brush off through positive thinking or once face-to-face apologized,

in addition, the genuine explanation is still unheard.

Hence,

I guessed this might be the perfect reason that I can't make myself feel trusting by telling myself I should be,

or rationalizing away my feelings.

Indeed,

the reality is it takes time and effort to trust again.

It takes the courage to acknowledge how I feel and willingness from her to hear and honor it.

But the fact is I still have not had this courage to acknowledge or to face it.

It takes a mutual commitment to move beyond what had happened instead of reliving and reharshing.

But most importantly,

I think it still requires me to believe in the goodness and positive intentions of the person who hurt me.

Perhaps, just like what I had read in the book of "Little Prisoners" by  Casey Walton,

it mentioned

"Love those who hurt you the most, because they are probably the ones closest to you."

When that sentence crossed  my mind, that phrase moved me.

She, too, is on a path,

and just like she is learning to walk before she can fly,

I knew everyone deserves a chance to gain trust.

Imagine of everybody you hurt in life turned their backs on you?

You would be playing a hell of a lot of solitaire.

So, love them no matter what.

Vividly recalled conversation with Datin at Ramada,

Datin told me that Pn Lye's new house only got my bedroom size,

I asked her seriously? How come? How you know?

She said

'I went your house before mah... so I knew the size lah... is true... her whole house is only your bedroom size only, very far away from town but its in melaka.'

I said

'Got sell so small ones?'

Datin even said

'Its not small, its your bedroom big. Hahahahaha!'

I said

'Har.... why she so pity? She bought how much?'

Datin said

'Rm100K only... 3 bedroom 1 bathroom.'

I said

'But 3 bedrooms how come can equal to my one bedroom only?'

She said

'Because her bedroom can fit one small bed only... so its like 3 rectangular bedroom.... imagine half  of your bedroom cut into 3 room and another half of your bedroom cut into two which divided into kitchen and living room, and she got one toilet is half of your toilet.'

I said

'Eiiii.... oh like that cha bu duo normal single teres lah... because I recalled last time my father said our house is equal to 10 teres long.... so my bedroom is roughly 1 teres lo.... cha bu duo lah like that...'

Datin said
'Ya la.... because last time my husband did construction ones... so I can roughly estimated how many metre square... so I only I can say that her house is only equal to your bedroom size....'

I said
'Then her old house?'
She said
'She sold away her old house lah....'
I said
'Why dont want give her children? Next time her children can get married there mah...'
She said
'Her children also dont want....'
I said
'Ya lo! Why you said the same thing as hung kiat? Last time I also asked Hung Kiat... I asked him do u think her old house will give her children or sell it? He said 100% will sell it... then I asked him why.... he said house like that who wants? I think her children also dont want.... then Hung Kiat said let say next time if we want to get married, I ask you get married at my old house you want or not? So small and old... sure dont want ones mah... Funny~! We called his son Elson, because his facebook name is Elson... then Hung Kiat response was : I think the house give Elson for free, Elson also dont want! hahahaha!'
Datin said
'Ya la.... Hung Kiat also knew hahaha... that's mean hung kiat got plan to married with you that is why he think of this question before....'
I said
'Hung kiat said he will buy new house maybe semi D or banglo when we get married....'
Datin said
'Ya la... like your ama where got stay with your father? Sure old people stay alone ones....'
I said
'Eh.... you see.... now her children all in KL... like everyone avoided her... then some more now I keep hurried her shift away, she will feel sad or not? Will she think everyone either avoid her or chase her away ? Like now I chase her away, keep ask her ni zhou lah ni zhou lah like that....'
Datin said
'Will lah... she will sad ones... you see you keep ask her when she shift.... she will feel like everyone abandon her like that....'
I feel sad and said
'Har.... very pity leh... ok lah... next time I dont say ask her shift edi lah... I dont hurry her already, let her own self shift lah....'
Datin said
'Ya la... Huay Ching, now I tell you, even you cannot forgive her, but you assumed as pity her lah...'
I cried and nodded my head,
I said
'I still will go her house until she shift, but I wont go disturb her any more....'
She said
'Yes... I know if ask you suddenly forget or ask you suddenly dont go, you cant make it.... but you also assumed as pity her.... I tell you, Pn Lye is a person who dont know road... she only know how to travel from her house to school and from school back to home only... in order to find you and apologize to you... I think she sure ask more than 10 people in school how to go ramada ones... you never see she so late only reach ah? Just now I called Hung kiat... is almost 3pm....'
I even cried and laughed at the same time because I think she is too pity,
I get shocked and said
'What??!!!! Ramada also she dont know at where? Ramada is the only 5 stars hotel in melaka leh!'
Datin said
'Ya la! Ramada also she dont know how to come! You can know how pity is her or not.... because she never socialize ones.... so she everyday stay at home only, go school go back go school go back only...'
I laughed and asked
'Then Jusco she knew or not?'
Datin laughed and said
'Jusco she knew! Hahaha besides than go school, she only knew jusco only... if she dont know jusco then she no need eat no need survive edi hahahaha!'
I said
'Har.... then she not stupid than me? People told me where is her house, once I heard, I already can go by my own self....'
Datin said
'Ya la! Because some people is like that ones, cannot remember road ones....'
I said
'Yes yes yes! My mum also like that ones.... my mum go anywhere new must bring me ones... if not once she go, she cannot go back ones hahaha! But I got inherited from my father... my father knew a lot of short cut short cut, and whatever road also he knew... I also... sometimes even the road I never use before, I can agak agak the geography location, I knew go which path come out is which side.... even kampung kampung road also I knew ones....'
Datin said
'Ya la... you are born to lucky.... but Pn Lye is road nerd.... she dont know road at all, because last time she stay at Muar kampung ones... she came to melaka only knew how to travel to school only....'
i asked
'Why never socialize means dont know road?'
Datin said
'Because she never socialize means she never come out, she never comes out means dont know road.... you never see you everyday go her house no matter morning or afternoon or night also she got at home ones.... because she dont know road at all.... cannot go out... some more go out means spend money... go out need fuel mah... so she very thrifty... everything also she wants to save.... so she everyday stay at home... you see you so rich, just want to go KL high tea, ask your driver purposely fetch you from melaka to KL and from KL back to melaka.... for her, where got so much fuel money?'
I said
'Har.... she very pity leh... then last time your son wedding how she went? She knew lu yue yuan meh?'
Datin said
'Her brother's wife fetch lo.... she go anywhere also her brother's wife fetch ones... I tell you, last time she wants to go Kuala, your father new project that site... I stayed at melaka raya, also I go down bukit beruang fetched her from my house.... and go up kuala some more.... and then from kuala fetched her back to home and go back my house at melaka raya... you are the person who knows road, you know how far is that....'



I shouted
'walao! You very good leh.... you this friend very good....'
Datin said
'Ya la... a lot person also said I am a very sincere friend....'
I said
'Siao meh? You go from melaka raya to bukit beruang and to kuala? Then back from kuala to bukit beruang to your house? Walao! Last time my driver fetched my father and me from office to Kuala also need 1 hour and half.... you still go her house fetch some more??!!! You very good leh!'
Datin said
'Ya la! That is why Pn Lye very appreciated me because we are friends of 23 years.... every feng feng yu yu also I helped her ones.... even last time her mum also my son cure her.... some more last time 1994 year, her ovary got problem... she go operation also I am the one who stand beside her in hospital.... its the same thing as last time your mum operated....'
I said
'Wasehhhh... you very sincere helped friend leh.... I think you can become her savior edi....'
Datin said
'Ya lah! Then this morning after recess, around 10:45pm .... she suddenly cried and came in my room and said I harmed her, when I heard that I totally shocked you know.... because I treated her so good and she suddenly said I harmed her, I totally blanked and dont know what to say.... then she said 1997 years I nge nge ask her become discipline only she got today with you... she said if not me, she and you also dont have today... and say harm her let so many people hate her.... because last time when she became discipline... everyone said good and like her to be... because she very good in finding out... like our school CCTV just pasang, got people go and ao huai also she can find out who is the person... so very long time ago, last time cik yeow was discipline teacher before your batch, after that cik yeow got cancer only they choose one more people mah... then when pn lye became discipline from 1997-2007.... for that 10 years, a lot people think she do very good so continue let her do lo.... who knows until your batch, around start from 2007, by slowly a lot of students started to hate her already, because you know nowadays generation changed already... nowadays young people how can get scold? Scold a bit then start to dislike her already... some more nowadays generation, fierce a bit parents come over you....'
I said
'Last time before my batch not many people dislike her?'
She said
'Maybe got also not that much as compared to now lah... you see now so many people disliked her, I think among 10 students also got 5 students disliked... because generation changed already, nowadays young people all cannot get scold ones... some more you also know her character, so aggressive... who likes?'
I said
'ya lo ya lo... I simply asked people about her.... I asked 3 persons, Celeste  (now transferred to IJC already) and Adele Lee and Elaine tan....  got 2 persons dont like her... and 1 person like her.... means got 60-70% people dont like her....'
Datin said
'Ya la... that is why I said generation changed already... nowadays young people have to use different ways to educate... but she still the same mah.... so fierce.... you also know her... so now she said I harmed her let so many people dislike her....'
I said
'Ah and then... then when she said you harmed her became discipline teacher?? Then what you said?'
Datin said
'Then when I think back just think of oh ya hor.... when she never say I also totally forgot I am the one who ask her become discipline already.... because that time lack of discipline teacher mah... then that time pengetua ask me recommend her... then you also know her look very fierce, her hair and all those... very suitable become discipline mah... then I just told her can lah can lah... and submitted her name, who knows today she said I harmed her....'
I asked Datin
'Har.... pity leh... a lot people dont like her?'
Datin said
'Ya la... you see your friend Emily, Hung Kiat and so many students in GBS.... where got people like? So fierce....'
I said
'Who said discipline must be fierce? she cannot talk to people nicely and advice people dont like that dont like that meh?'
Datin said
'Ya la.... can lah.... that is why now she very good already, she changed a lot already, never simply scold people already... even Annie also told me she realized Pn Lye became good already....'
I said
'Anoh anoh! my ballet friend, Adele.... got one pengawas... she also told me Pn Lye very good and never scold people ones wor....'
Datin said
'Ya la.... now she very good already so you have to give her chance and trust her... I knew because previously she keep harmed you, so you have a psychological reaction to her that everything also she sure harm you ones... so its very hard to let you believe her she is sincere ones.... but you have to give her a chance, because you know I wont bluff you ones.... if I say she is good means she is good already... you cannot trust her but you can trust me....'
I said
'But I still very scared... you see last time I even get back a key also need to think twice you know? Like she already poisoned the key like that... My mind think dont know when my hand approach her she will put dog near me or what or not... means her every good intention to me, I will think twice... I will make sure really dont have thing in front or something like that only I dare to near her.... I tell you, one of the time when she said she wants to return me the key, my mind think sure bluffed ones... sure when I reach there she wants to harm me by put dog near me or what ones... I even think ok now I record a video before I walk there... later showed hung kiat.... you see! From my every single action already proven that all my insecure came from her every single actions of harming... got which time she never harmed me?... One of the time, she said you sit here then I return you the key, you think if it was Siew or Alex ask me do that, you think I need to think twice? She just asked me to sit there only, I even move from back seat to front seat also dont dare... her every actions also contained harm, you know how insecure I am or not? You think if was my father ask me to sit there, you think I need to think or not? Just like just now, when both of us reached, you said huay ching you sit here... I need to think or not? I straight sit as where you asked me to sit.... But if it was pn lye, I sure will think her action sure got schemes behind ones....'
Datin said
'Yes Huay Ching, I understand your meaning now, I can imagined the situation from what you said, I knew your insecure came from her previous actions... all these were actually many a little makes a mickle, so you would walked into this stage and had this thinking.... I knew its normal... but you have to trust pn lye once... her apologies has no motive... real ones.... she just wants to say only but not say want to gain any benefits ones.... you see today, she just wants to find you only... I am sure she keep asking staffs in school eh how to go ramada eh how to go ramada ones.... you never see she almost 3pm only she reached ah?? Because I never tell her how to come also.... and you see, today she go back so early, because she has to find the route to go back her house.... you see still give you ang pao... quickly we open we open now....'
I cried; smiled and shook my head!
Datin said
'Why? Dont want open?'
I said
'Dont want.... because I scared inside got write things....'
Datin said
'Write what thing?'
I said
'I scared write about add math....'
Datin said
'Open lah... ok I help you open... see got how much inside....'
I said
'I knew its RM5..... because last time my friend said her ang pao is 5 ringgit.... so I no need to open also I know....'
Datin said
'You open and see lah, you never open how you know?? Open now ok?'
I shook my head and said
'I accepted her ang pao is because I want her to go only I took, not because I want her ang pao....'
Datin said
'Dont like that lah.... open lah.... I help you open... quickly...'
I shook my head and said
'Dont want... i know inside sure got write things ones....'
She said
'Ok you dont dare to read, I help you read... so you wont see already....'
I passed my Ang Pao to Datin,
then Datin took out the money and said
'Waaaaaa..... is RM 100 leh......'
Then I even don't look at the money but smiled and looked in front,
Datin said
'Eh! Look here.... look at Pn Lye gives you RM 100.... you see new ones some more... purple color ones....'
Don't know why when I looked at the RM100 is new one,
I even smiled already.
*Initially sour face
Datin said
'She got write thing... you dont want to read ok never mind I help you read.... she wrote: Dear Huay Ching, I sincerely want to let you know that if I have offended you in whatever ways, I am very very sorry. Hope you will forgive and forget. Let bygones be bygones and move on. I sincerely apologize and hope we can be friends. I wish you all the best in your studies. Pn Lye.'





I don't know why when Datin began to read,
I already start rolling down my tears until like this,



but rolled with smile; because her words moved me.
Now, at this moment,
I keep on have a strong sense of guilt in my deep down for taking Pn Lye's RM100.
I keep on think that she already no money still gave me RM100,
Datin said her one month salary only got RM4600,
after deducted those income taxes only got RM4000,
 her monthly housing payment is RM1000,
so every month she used RM3000 to raised 3 kids and even sent her 3 children to universities.
Datin just told me her financial background and asked me to sympathize her if I do not want to forgive her,
Datin told me that please trust Pn Lye is a good person as she is a very sacrifice mother,
she said you see! She only got RM3000 to used per month,
still got petrol fuel to pay and car instalment to pay,
after deducted all those, I think she only got RM2000 to survive,
that is why she never go out at all,
save a little by little and even sent her child to UK study, where got such sacrifice mother?


Datin said
'You see your father sent you to Australia study also must think twice, what to say about her some more ?Some more her children clothes all she one person washed and iron ones.... some more her children's plates leh.... eat already must washed mah....'
I cried and said
'You said she sacrifice a lot for her children, then she never think before if I am either her son, Sherryn or Lye chuin li and let other people beat that way and so many times, how she feel? You dont know how sad is my parents going through this period with me... when I got slightly recovered, they happy till like kena toto like that... my mum would get excited and phoned Hung Kiat and told him that she very happy because I got happy a bit already... when I was down, my dad would sit alone and think how to help me, while my mum would cried for what I experienced and can't sleep.... after the add math incident happened, the more my parents worried my life at Australia, they keep on worried got people bullied me without their knowing, they even think of the homestay owner.... think she is good or bad... every time when I come back from Australia, she also beat me until so terrible, my mum got one time sampai cried in the morning and came my bedroom find me, she said she dreamed of got people bullied me, keep on kicked me and hit my head when I helped them to work in the restaurant... how to explained this? This is the consequences she brought to my family and me, you know because of the add math incident, I changed my future from engineering to journalism? My dream is in vain because of her. To avoid this dark shadow, I even run from malaysia to Australia study. I changed a lot in my life included my health, you know I have to one lifetime eat medicine? One day never eat medicine, I cant sleep one day. Then when I cannot forget the past, I went back to her house, let her beat again. Dont you think its very pathetic and suffering? You say she is a sacrifice mother.... but why she did that to me? If she is my mum, she can sacrifice as what my parents sacrifice now?'
Datin said
'Yes, Huay Ching... listen to me, actually she also got told me if she is your mother or if you are her child, means she also got think before, that is why she feel bad for herself and sincerely wants to apologize to you.... but you keep on distrust her good.... I tell you, I am just like her husband, she wont talk fake things to me... she told me she is real sorry means real sorry... maybe she told other teacher she is real then that one different saying.... that one you can distrust her... but she really wont bluff me ones.... because we are 23 years friends....'






However,
I still do feel sorry and guilty for taking her RM100,
sometimes when I looked at that RM100, I would keep crying,


because I keep thinking she already no money still wants to give me RM100,
for her, I do think that RM 100 can do a lot of things, such as buying new year biscuits.
Therefore,
I really hate for owing someone,
now I even think of I took her RM 100 means own self harm own self,
now I am creating dilemma for myself,
I knew I can't never go her there but still took her RM 100,
its like the feeling people treat you good but you treat people bad.
I am actually suffering in this circumstance,
I knew I can't make it but I still took people's money.
It's the meaning you already took people's money still going?
I really hate myself sometimes,
I hate myself for making myself difficult as well as making others difficult :(


I knew I am bad,
but hope God can forgive my bad as I am really suffering now.
I am struggling for owing someone,
I feel like I am not supposed to take that RM100,
I feel like I am going to return her that RM 100,
but I am afraid that I couldn't control myself,
I afraid that once I go her there I will start disturb, start pressing the bell,
so I am actually emotional suffering right now,
since Friday until now, besides than having meal,
I stayed in my bedroom all the way since morning till night and never go out.
These few days,
daddy and mommy were in KL since Friday.
Mommy keep phoned back to home and asked maid where I am and what I did.
I guessed maid told her in bedroom all the way.
She is actually worrying me a lot and think I am emotionally unstable,
so I keep myself in room and didn't go out for few days since morning till night.
I am pretty sure that she told everyone that I am emotionally unstable and told everyone not to bother me,
included my brother who currently in Thailand. LOL!
I am pretty sure she told everyone + maid that I am emotionally unstable and locked myself in room for few days!


Indeed,
 I afraid once I go out from my bedroom,
I would think of go Pn Lye there and enhanced my inner guilt.
At the same time,
I am guilty for taking her RM 100,
when I saw the RM 100, I keep crying because I do not know what to do.
I wish to put it back to her mailbox, but I afraid she will knows I put it back and think I do not give her face.


Yet,
I am actually suffering in this dilemma.
I keep blaming myself for people already no money still took people's RM100,
but the fact is I thought its a normal Ang Pao like RM5.
Yes! I am this kind of people who feel guilts easily or without any reason,
just a bigger Ang Pao then I would think I waste people's money and cried for 2 days.








I keep thinking that RM 100, people can buy new year biscuits for mother in law,
but now wasted on me :(
Surely,
that RM100 has no benefits for me, because I do have a lot of it.
I really feel bad for myself,
perhaps,
I  really should practise despite unforgiven but sympathize her.




Yet,
I still don't know why I still can't trust someone who always harmed and hurts me in past,
when I recalled of Pn Lye said
'You always dont want believe and think people bluffed you, people harmed you....'
certainly, the situation is only applied on her,
but I still do think myself as weird.
Therefore,
I even asked Google why I am so weird that I can't trust and how to trust?





Actually, on that Friday,
I already had 50% preparation that Pn Lye would came as I keep thinking Datin sure will Pakat with Pn Lye.
The only thing that I afraid is she would talk about add math day and make both of us walk back to past,
I even tried my best to avoid this situation by calling Hung Kiat tomorrow must come! cannot never come!
Some more ask Vivian must come!
Because I think if other people around then she might be embarrass to talk about it,
so only I tell Hung Kiat he must come!
The first time when I met Datin,
I planned it in Secret Recipe,
because I think Pn Lye would think secret recipe is expensive then she wouldn't come.
Now, my worries in heart is even exaggerating,
I even think
'Actually secret recipe also not that expensive, the most she just order one drink and sit down only... one drink the most also RM 10.... cannot cannot... must make it in hotel to avoid her coming... hotel sure she wont come ones...'
After twice secret recipe,
I even make it in Majestic hotel for the previous time,
and this time I already made it in Ramada hotel I still worry that Pn Lye would came,
I even cried and phone Hung Kiat and asked
'Do you think Pn Lye tomorrow will come? I very scared she will come....'
He asked
'At where?'
I said
'Ramada....'
He said
'Wont lah... so expensive... I think sure she think aiya so expensive, dont want lah....'
I said
'But buffet only RM45++.....'
He said
'Rm 45++ for her considered expensive already... because for poor people, eat one time RM 45++ they think very expensive already.... so dont worry lah... I think she wont come ones....'
I said
'How if she comes??? I very scared.... I scared I cry out in front of her when she talk about past.... or you think make it upstairs? Upstairs restaurant?'
He said
'Upstairs restaurant ala carte ones... very expensive ones... one dish already RM 40-50....  you rather go down stair eat buffet, Rm 45++ or RM 55++ only... plus can eat until full....'
I said
'But downstairs a lot staffs know me because I always go there eat ones....'
He said
'You sit inside lah... dont sit near center lobby there....'
I said
'Oh ya hor! ok ok! I just scared I cry out in front of pn lye only... and also scared got people who knows me saw I cry... I think tomorrow I better dont wear false eyelashes and dont put bottom mascara... just put upper layer mascara enough... if not later tears come out then whole eyes will became black black.... and if cry then the false eyelashes will drop out....'
Hung Kiat even laughed and said
'Zha dao! Scared own self cry until got such make up preparation... funny! You said dont put bottom mascara and dont put false eyelashes.... hahahaha! But dont so scared lah, I think she wont comes ones....'
I said
'Why? But I think she will comes... I scared Datin pakat with her, because Datin got ask me whether I want her to comes or not then I said dont want... but I still scared Datin will bluffed me....'
He said
'I still think wont lah.... she dont scared you naik gila in hotel meh? Like when see her then run away or scream?'
I said
'Wont lah... I wont until like that... a lot people at there, how dare I like that?'
He said
'I think you will lo... I think you dont care ones....'
I said
'I still very scared she will comes... I scared she talk about add math incident... then when both of our eyes looked at each other, felt like we walk back to the exact scene, very painful I dont want..... Tomorrow you must come know? In case she comes.... then if you and vivian around, she dont dare to talk about that....'
He said
'Ok! Tomorrow sure I come....'






After think about Pn Lye's pity,
I even wondered this generation still got house sell for RM 100K?
some more is a new house?
I even Google search RM100K house for sale.
Who knows it came out daddy's Bukit Beruang project advertisement via Google online.
LOL! Funny!

http://www.mudah.my/Rumah+Berkembar+Dan+Kluster+di+Bukit+Beruang+MCL+-25139297.htm