Revenge or unconscious imitation

Few days ago, period came,

extremely moody and hot temper for these few days.

Urge of vengeance increased till the maximum.

Nowadays,

I don't know why I hate her so much, hate her extreme without apparent reason,

the hatred feeling had increased till the boundary.

Unconsciously,

I realized I did entirely learned her bad behavior,

I did not intend to follow or learn,

but I just behaved her behaviour unconsciously.

When I reflect back currently what I did,

I stumbled on my unconscious behaviour that I got it similarly from her :(

I realized that she often beaten me terribly on the last day,

such as add math day, the day before I went Australia study and the day before I head back Australia for study.

This had lead me to unconscious imitation,

I even pressed her bell on the last day before I went Korea! LOL!

Today,

daddy asked me

'Ah Ching, why you go and pressed Pn Lye's bell?'

surprisingly,

I even answered him

'Since she going to shift away already, so can disturb how many times then just disturb how many times, because I knew next time I come back I dont have the chance already.'

When I said like that,

daddy even speechless and keep quiet.

Seemed like a little unworried but a little worried too.

Initially,

when daddy asked me for the first time

'Why you go disturbed Pn Lye, pressed her bell?'

I said

'I never.'

Daddy said

'You dont bluff papa ah... I knew you got pressed. You did already you said you never is not good.'

I even said

'This is called normal only, Pn Lye also like that. Everything she did she just say never. I just returned her what she did to me only. Add math day she caned me also she said never, now anything also I can say never.'

When I said like that,

daddy keep quiet again.

After a certain self-reflection from what I had spoken,

I am actually pondered the question of am I trying to revenge or I am purely learned from her behavior?

I keep telling myself

'Even she is teacher, but I can't learn from her because that is wrong behavior.'

But at the same time,

I told myself

'She is teacher, she can like that, means not a big deal since teacher also like that. Sure not a big deal only teacher dare to do that.'

However,

I will continue behaved the way I behaved now until she shift.

Because since she is shifting soon,

so I just want to try my best to make up myself from what I hurt in past,

to tell myself that I already revenge in maximum as well as have had tried my best to help myself,

only by this way,

I can put down all the remorse within myself,

so that I will not blame myself for not protect myself enough on the day of 25-11-2009.

In this 'disturbing' return,

I explain to myself that I already protect myself and did overcome her in maximum way and let her know I am not a good bully.

She can treat others that way but exclude me.

I definitely want to let her experience the painful price which what I gotten in past.

Since I am powerless to cause physical pain to her,

I want to let her know what is so called an emotional pain.

Somehow, I still think its unfair between both of us,

why I got all sorts of physical pain and emotional pain from her,

but why she just got a single emotional pain from me?

And the emotional pain she given me was the lifetime trauma,

but the emotional pain I given her is just a pass by and disturb?

Therefore,

I do still think life is unfair and incomparable,

 I knew there is no way in solving a past.

We can't compared the earned or losses between both parties,

both of us have no courage to face each other for the add math incident,

embarrass is the certain element from hurt.

However,

I still wanted to say

'nothing can defined my hurt in past.'