It has been a few days,

I've tried not to take my night pills.

But,

all obvious signs and symptoms recurred immediately.

Dark circles, insomnia, breathless attack, anxieties, depressive thoughts and previous situation have slowly reappeared.

People around me had deeply aware although I did not tell them I never take pills.

For Chin Yean, once Chin Yean seen me, 

she asked curiously

'Eyyyy?? Why your dark circles so dark ones? You not holiday d meh??'

For Christina, when we chat through Facebook yesterday.

I asked her whether does she thinks I get better?

She even answered me

'Yeap. I noticed you did slightly get better through the quotes you posted in your blog previously. But now, I think you broke down again.'

For Huay Ling, last midnight we chat through viber.

She sent me a soup image that she cooked by her own through Viber around 3.26 a.m.

I replied her 'Ok'.

She asked me

'Why so late d still havent sleep? Did not take pills?'

I replied her

'You ask me dont take pills and make me cant sleep till now.'

The most funny, she replied me like that

(Imitate my mum talking pattern! LOL! 'Xing Li Zuo Yong')

Indeed,

I try so hard to forget the past.

I seek help from Google,

it taught me to get myself busy,

I did, I buried myself in assignments and exam.

But even I got very excellent results still cant forget the past?

So, what's the point at the end?

the same thing still couldn't forget at all?

It taught me do more outing.

I did, I go more shopping and spend more time outside, drinking high tea alone.

But, at the time when I came back home,

the same thing,

I am still thinking about the repetitive thoughts of past :(

It taught me not to add that specific person in your social network.

I did, I never add her at all.

It taught me if I get to accidentally saw her pictures or events about her in my social network,

try to make it as normal and scroll away that page.

I did, when I seen there is her pictures on my mutual friend's photos.

I take it as normal, I saw and quickly quit that page because I really want to try so hard to forget the past, as long as there is a chance, I want to work for it.

It taught me when repetitive thoughts came to me, I can think, but at least limit it.

I did, when I think of the 25-11-2009, at the moment I struggling on the bench,

I told myself since the doctor said those thoughts are natural so allow myself to think a little while and not telling myself I cant think at all.

Or else,

I will tell myself

'Now I quickly finish my assignments first, if want to think, later finish assignments already only think, or before sleep, let myself think a 10 minutes.'

After I took my pill,

 I would really look at my watch and think that 10 minutes then began to sleep after the medicine chemicals dissolve in my body as I knew the time to make me flake out is normally within 30 minutes.

Google taught me to get rid all the pictures and memories instead of staring everyday.

I did. I willing to let those add math photos disappeared.

I don't grab, don't look, don't think, don't open and don't keep.

I never print it anymore since it already disappeared.

I try my best to let myself let go all those.

Google taught me everyday telling myself the past is over unless I abandon the hope.

I did, I keep telling myself the past is over, the relationship is over, she is my life passer.

Over the many months,

I repetitively posted inspiring picture quotes, write the best thing in blog to keep motivating myself that I almost forget the past soon, finding hopes to rebuild my life, doing the best in establishing a good academic result in order to gain a new life.

Keep reminding myself I am no longer like past, I have recovered so much.

But now?

I felt like few days never take pill, I was like once again fell into the bottom of the valley :(

Google taught me not to listen to sad music, watching love movie or anything that reminds you of the wound until you recover.

I did, I tried to change my blog songs from a very sentimental music to more lively music.

From sorrowful violin rhythm to a more lively piano rhythm.

I had tried stop to watch love movie to avoid arouse the sadness of the plot from it,

as the love movie contain a lot of 'past past past',

okay! I dont watch, I dont gain its meaning, I dont convert the plot into mine.

I totally stop watching love movie and sad songs.

But yet, I am still the same,

I am still so mopish and suffered in the shadow so much.

Perhaps, previously I am in the naive of the naive.

I though forgetting the past is according to will and time

But now, I am wrong.

I realized that forgetting the past is according to the hurt and time inflicted.

The seriousness of a trauma is according to the severity of what the subject done to you, the time of the relationship you drag, the hurt frequency of the subject done to you, the availability to protect yourself, the ability to escape the circumstance and the most crucially is the strong mentality rather than fragile like me.

Ultimately,

I found the above reasons that why I could not forget the past till now.

Because I got the six worst up there :(

And indeed, as saying goes,

people who apparently more cheerful, deep down is somehow more pessimistic.

Today is a most hectic day among the week - Friday,

the only every Friday which the stores and restaurant in Adelaide opened till 9pm :D

In this beautiful day,

 I never waste my precious time at home although it's winter.

I been spent my entire day with Chin Yean.

We had much of ladies heart talk and shopping time since morning till night.

Chin Yean is reluctant to goes back to home due to afraid of boredom like me :X

She wants crazy shopping like me!

The one who brought me into Ted Baker store was her :D

TED BAKER LOVER :P

In our blossom early twenties,

we began to talk about our straight relationship stories.

In fact,

I have nothing to talk about it because my relationship is always smooth and stable to had him :)

But still, most topic, 

we chit-chat about our childhood stories. 

It was so awesome and fun to recalled although I weren't remember most of those stories when chin yean told me. Haha!

You know how and why we would started talking about childhood memories?

It started because I lost my new hairband !

Just now,

we had sushi together for our lunch,

after we paid our bills separately,

we left the Japanese restaurant and get into Chatime store.

At that time,

when we were having chatime,

Chin Yean noticed that the hairband wasn't on my hair and told me about that.

I said

'Yea, I just put it in bag after we left the Japanese restaurant.'

But when I checked my bag thoroughly,

I realized that it was already lost.

When we get back the Japanese restaurant,

they said they never see it.

Sigh!

One new hairband gone, luckily it just few dollars.

Chin Yean laughed and said

'Haha! Never mind la... one hairband only, luckily not your Burbery scarf on your neck!'

I said

'Haha! Eh! Help me watch out! I scared my burbery scarf lost, I bought it in Europe for hundreds pounds!'

She said

'Ok I help you watch out. Haha your pattern since young.'

I said

'I since young like that ones?'

She said

'Ya la! When you were young also like that ones...'

I said

'How like that?'

She said

'Your things always DIU SAN DIU SHI ones....'

I said

'I got like that meh? My father also always said me like that... he said I bought things awhile then lost already.'

She said

'Ya la! When you xiao shi hou also like that ones... your pattern.'

I said

'Haha I just remembered when I was standard 2 like that, dont know who stole my things everyday, I everyday sure got pencil or erase lost ones... Funny!'

She said

'I think nobody stole lah... I think is you put at where you forgot already then never bring back to home.'

I said

'Haha! Why you would said I since young also like that... you know my thing lost?'

She said

'I dont know your things lost, but I can see out your person always got this pattern, because you always everything bu guan ones when you were young.'

I said

'Eyyy... yes yes yes! Why you said the same thing as my father? My father also always said me dont care everything. You mean for example I dont care what things? Dont care what teacher told me or dont care things lost or dont care what thing?'

She said

'Haha, dont care all lah... like teacher said what, you never care ... or people talk what, also you dont care ones, or your things lost also you dont care lo... all lah... your xiao shi hou pattern very funny ones.... hahaha!'

I said

'How I dont care what teacher talk? Funny!'

She said

'For example teacher asked you next time after PJ change back pinafore, then you dont care ones... even sometimes teacher caned you also you dont care ones... you just cried today and tomorrow dont care already and continue do the same things. In all words, your pattern very funny when you were young.'

I said

'Ya la! My father said my pattern since young until big almost the same ones... my father always said my dont care dont care ones...'

She said

'I knew your since young pattern like that ones, but now I see your pattern get better a lot already, like you wont simply laugh and never gila gila like last time already, then I thought you wont lost things already, who knows you still will. Haha! Next time I help you watch out lah...'

I said

'Haha some more got what funny things?'

She said

'Disturb Han Ping lo.... Hahaha!'

(one of the mentally retarded boy in class)

I said

'Hahahaha! How I disturbed him? I really dont remember!'

She said

'Like you ran to his seat, and told him: Han Pang, dentist come d.... then when he naik gila, you keep hahaha aside simply laughed.'

I said

'Now I cant stop laughing! Hahaha I really cant remember. But Han Ping also pity, since young high fever then became mentally retarded d.'

She said

'ya la! Thats why people said childhood sick very important ones... like those baby got fever must quickly go clinic ones... if not their brain will heat till injured ones.'

I said

'Some more how I disturbed him?'

She said

'I remembered sometimes you called him inspector Ping!  Then when he naik gila, screamed and hit table all those. Then you simply laughed aside. Your pattern very funny ones last time.'

I said

'Hahaha! Teacher never ask me dont disturb him meh?'

She said

'You just disturb him when teacher not in class or recess only, like sometimes you dont have things to do then you will walk around in class, when walked till his place, then you will disturb him.'

I said

'Anah! I remembered when I was young always disturb people ones... dont know why when I got nothing to do then I will felt very boring and find things to do. Then normally when I very boring I will disturb people. Until standard 6 like that. Haha!'

She said

'Ya la! Last time I remembered you always disturb people ones...'

I said

'I disturb who? Hahaha!'

She said

'Who also disturb lah... see whether you walked till where then see who disturb who lo...'

I said

'How I disturb people? Hahahaha! Very funny leh.'

She said

'Simply talk and laugh loudly lo...'

I said

'Hahahaha! For example what I laughed very loud?'

She said

'Dont know... like not funny ones also you laughed very loud and cant stop laughing... for example when you passed by a person's place, then when you saw a thing on that person table, you will start laughing already, you will HAHAHAHA like that and said Why your this one like that ones? Why so funny ones all those....'

(When she said like that, I really cant stop laughing!!!)

Immediately,

she said

'Ah there, like that lo... your laughter is like now how you laughing, but voice louder than now only. But laughing pattern is the same. When you disturb people or teacher said a little bit things then you will laughed very loud.'

I said

'Other people never laugh when teacher talk funny things?'

She said

'Got la... but other people just laughed a bit only, you will laughed till very exaggerating, very loud and laugh very long. People never laugh already you still laughing.'

I said

'I laugh like that, teacher never ask me dont laugh already meh?'

She said

'Got said before, but you dont care ... you normally cant control and continue laughed,  whole class and teacher also used to your pattern already, teacher just continued teach even you still laughing.'

I said

'I remembered last time my driver always fetched me very early to school, then nothing to do, even the canteen light still havent switch on, I will sit on the canteen bench and wait the canteen uncle came, then disturbed him when he came until bell ring.'

When I said like that, Chin Yean cant stop laughing!!!

She said

'Hahahaha! Very sampat ones you....  Beh Tahan... still sit on bench and wait...'

(Chin Yean laughed till burst into tears and grabbed tissue out and wipe her tears)

I said

'Ya la! I remembered I almost everyday disturbed him until I standard 6 transferred school. Hahaha!'

She said

'Hahahaha! You very sampat ones.... hahaha! How you disturbed him?'

I said

'I took his selling eraser running the whole canteen, made him come and chased me. Because that canteen uncle already 60 plus years old, like orang tua cant run fast that type. When he chased me, his walking pattern left right left right like imbalance like that, sibeh very funny.'

(Chin yean even cant stop laughing and laughed even louder)

she said

'Hahahaha! I can imagine. Like old people chasing people like that.'

I said

'Then from 7 o'clock like that chased till around 7:45 a.m, until bell ring only I put back the eraser and go into class.'

Chin yean said

'Haahaha!!!! When you were young, you very very sampat ones. Hahahaha! Then when get into class, disturb Han Ping until teacher came?'

I laughed and said

'hahaha! Can say like that lo.... XD '

At that time, when we laughed too much.

My mouth began to felt the rheumatic pain.

I said

'Dont know why my mouth muscle very painful now, I guess just now I chewing the Edamame too fast. Because last time before I came Australia, I always eat very very fast ones. Almost every week eat once or twice, and once I ate two bowls.'

She said

'Maybe lo... just now I saw you chewing very fast. Amm amm amm amm like that! Hahaha!'

I said

'Eyyyy.... why you act the same thing as my friend Emily? Last time she also said I eat Edamame like that ones...'

She said

'Ya la! Damn fast ones... you eat other sushi still normal speed, but when you eat that Edamame damn fast, not until 3 minutes finished the whole bowl already.'

I said

'Hahaha! I eat like that you never get shocked?'

She said

'No la... because I used to already, I knew your pattern is like that ones...'

I said

'You saw I eat Edamame before?

She said

'No la... I never seen you eat Edamame before, but I see you since young, you are more gan jiong type ones...'

I said

'I since young also gan jiong type ones?'

She said

'Hmmm.... Last time you always do everything also very rush, big movements type ones... so can predict out you will eat very fast. But just now you are not fast, you are super super fast. Hahaha!'

LOL ! Funny!

Look at how Chin Yean imitated the way I eat Edamame !

 End of today!

During the first day daddy mummy visited me here,

the first desire place, I brought them to zoo!

Somehow,

I love to walk around and look at weird species animals,

that's why I liked to visit zoo.

But at the same time,

I am kinda afraid of particular animal - dog.

Luckily,

zoo doesn't has dog but the beautiful and tame animal like giraffe !
( I love giraffe the most! I love the giraffe earring that I bought from Jonker!)

At the time daddy reached Airport in the early morning,

daddy asked me

'Today Ah Ching want to go where?'

I said

'Want to go zoo.'

Daddy said

'Zoo? Bu Yao Lahhh.... zoo very smelly, papa dont like, go other place.'

I said

'I want go pa... zoo at here I still havent go before, Carol and Jackie went d, Carol said quite nice, got kangaroo and koala bear. Cannot or not pa?'

Daddy said

'Hmmm... hao lah hao lahhhh....'

I straight jumped excitedly in the airport and said

'Yes yes yes!!!'

(I am turning on the spot while jumping. LOL)

Daddy said

'Ng ng ng!!! Dont jump dont jump. Hao liao hao liao.... jun jun!'

(Jun jun - quiet )

In the zoo,

we get to see a lot of rare species,

Huay Ling and me keep laughing and saying

'Eh.... you see that, hahaha his head keep up and down up and down very funny.'

Both of us apparently innocent,

but daddy is the one who knew every single knowledge,

even about animals,

he knew a lot too!

He told us

'This one Malaysia dont have, because it must be place at a very cold temperature place, Malaysia too hot, it cannot tahan.'

When I get to heard the roar sounds from lion but still haven't see it,

at that time,

I don't know that's a sound from lion,

I thought it's the sound from speaker which came from safari.

I was so excited,

I said

'Ehhhh pa! Why got lion sounds from speaker?'

Papa said

'That's not sounds from speaker, that's the real sounds from lion. There... in front there only.'

When I saw the lion,

I said

'Ah there! I saw already. Why his sounds so loud ones? Look like speaker ones pa?'

Daddy said

'Because lion has a very big lung, so the volume will very high.'

The most excited is when I get to see the kangaroo in the zoo,

because kangaroo only exists in Australia!

I said

'Ehhhh pa... got kangaroo leh.... why those kangaroos keep walking here and there on grass wont boring meh?'

daddy said

'Wont la... kangaroo is like that ones...'

Another happy thing is I have my first glance on panda in life,

I keep laughing non stop at the panda when it climbed up and down the tree,

I keep laughing non stop and told Huay Ling

'Hahahaha! Er Jie! You see the panda, imagine he fell down from the tree when coming down, Tommmm on the ground hahahaha!'

Then I began to laughed non stop.
Again and again,

daddy keep asked me to keep quiet.

When I keep laughing, he said

'Shhhh.... hao liao hao liao....'

Sigh!

Really disappointing my excited emotions. Haha!

However,

I had draw and wrote down a little zoo stories in my diary blog...

Ultimately,

the most luckily is I never get to see a bull,

because I had forgot go zoo can't wear red colour,

if not will get chase by a bull :(