The vain effort

by Unknown - 4:24 pm

It has been a few days,

I've tried not to take my night pills.

But,

all obvious signs and symptoms recurred immediately.

Dark circles, insomnia, breathless attack, anxieties, depressive thoughts and previous situation have slowly reappeared.

People around me had deeply aware although I did not tell them I never take pills.

For Chin Yean, once Chin Yean seen me,

she asked curiously

'Eyyyy?? Why your dark circles so dark ones? You not holiday d meh??'

For Christina, when we chat through Facebook yesterday.

I asked her whether does she thinks I get better?

She even answered me

'Yeap. I noticed you did slightly get better through the quotes you posted in your blog previously. But now, I think you broke down again.'

For Huay Ling, last midnight we chat through viber.

She sent me a soup image that she cooked by her own through Viber around 3.26 a.m.

I replied her 'Ok'.

She asked me

'Why so late d still havent sleep? Did not take pills?'

I replied her

'You ask me dont take pills and make me cant sleep till now.'

The most funny, she replied me like that

(Imitate my mum talking pattern! LOL! 'Xing Li Zuo Yong')

Indeed,

I try so hard to forget the past.

I seek help from Google,

it taught me to get myself busy,

I did, I buried myself in assignments and exam.

But even I got very excellent results still cant forget the past?

So, what's the point at the end?

the same thing still couldn't forget at all?

It taught me do more outing.

I did, I go more shopping and spend more time outside, drinking high tea alone.

But, at the time when I came back home,

the same thing,

I am still thinking about the repetitive thoughts of past :(

It taught me not to add that specific person in your social network.

I did, I never add her at all.

It taught me if I get to accidentally saw her pictures or events about her in my social network,

try to make it as normal and scroll away that page.

I did, when I seen there is her pictures on my mutual friend's photos.

I take it as normal, I saw and quickly quit that page because I really want to try so hard to forget the past, as long as there is a chance, I want to work for it.

It taught me when repetitive thoughts came to me, I can think, but at least limit it.

I did, when I think of the 25-11-2009, at the moment I struggling on the bench,

I told myself since the doctor said those thoughts are natural so allow myself to think a little while and not telling myself I cant think at all.

Or else,

I will tell myself

'Now I quickly finish my assignments first, if want to think, later finish assignments already only think, or before sleep, let myself think a 10 minutes.'

After I took my pill,

I would really look at my watch and think that 10 minutes then began to sleep after the medicine chemicals dissolve in my body as I knew the time to make me flake out is normally within 30 minutes.

Google taught me to get rid all the pictures and memories instead of staring everyday.

I did. I willing to let those add math photos disappeared.

I don't grab, don't look, don't think, don't open and don't keep.

I never print it anymore since it already disappeared.

I try my best to let myself let go all those.

Google taught me everyday telling myself the past is over unless I abandon the hope.

I did, I keep telling myself the past is over, the relationship is over, she is my life passer.

Over the many months,

I repetitively posted inspiring picture quotes, write the best thing in blog to keep motivating myself that I almost forget the past soon, finding hopes to rebuild my life, doing the best in establishing a good academic result in order to gain a new life.

Keep reminding myself I am no longer like past, I have recovered so much.

But now?

I felt like few days never take pill, I was like once again fell into the bottom of the valley :(

Google taught me not to listen to sad music, watching love movie or anything that reminds you of the wound until you recover.

I did, I tried to change my blog songs from a very sentimental music to more lively music.

From sorrowful violin rhythm to a more lively piano rhythm.

I had tried stop to watch love movie to avoid arouse the sadness of the plot from it,

as the love movie contain a lot of 'past past past',

okay! I dont watch, I dont gain its meaning, I dont convert the plot into mine.

I totally stop watching love movie and sad songs.

But yet, I am still the same,

I am still so mopish and suffered in the shadow so much.

Perhaps, previously I am in the naive of the naive.

I though forgetting the past is according to will and time

But now, I am wrong.

I realized that forgetting the past is according to the hurt and time inflicted.

The seriousness of a trauma is according to the severity of what the subject done to you, the time of the relationship you drag, the hurt frequency of the subject done to you, the availability to protect yourself, the ability to escape the circumstance and the most crucially is the strong mentality rather than fragile like me.