The nerve's blog: May 2016

Today,

it has been a mood fluctuation day,

I slept well last night, but just never feel good today, my forehead is a bit warm than usual,

feeling that I fall sick today.

More than that,

I have been practice for examination for the whole day,

my eyes non stop focusing on the computer (questions), calculator (getting the answer) and paper (writing the answer).

Later,

I felt slightly headache and my eyes are so exhausted,

subsequently my whole body is so warm (thinking that I already fall sick).

When I trying to think about the damn good things about her to eliminates the negative thought in mind,

but unfortunately,

I think about the good things for awhile, and the rest, are the moment she tortured me.

I don't know how come I will have the repetitive and compelling thoughts,

where recalled the flashback she caned me on add math day, intimidating me for whatsoever reasons, attempted to kill me with knife, dragged me harshly on street to injured me, beaten me with rods, woods and spatula as well as strangled me with the yellow dog string behind her house (attempted to kill but failed).

Then, after all these compelling thoughts,

I even rolled down my salty tears and think that I'm born to be tortured and bullied,

in this world,

only parents are the kindest creature,

then wouldn't dare to injured their child or do something harmfully,

but just providing the best material and situation to the child,

and I realized that this is the unconditional love from parents.

And when I tried to see my enemy's true personality,

I noticed that although she appeared cruel and malicious to outsider,

but she's same as my parents, over-protecting and sheltering her children,

although she came from a lower-end family background,

but still unspeakably sacrifice everything for her children (just to let her children live better),

but not providing anything to herself.

I see a cruel but selfless perspective of her,

it's really amazing and fantastic that how great are all the parents in the world.

Sometimes,

I even think of if she really kind or good,

why not she teach her children to be good and kind, instead of spoiling their character by teaching them to be malicious.

I ever asked Kaima this question before,

I asked that
"Why she wants to teach her children badly? Dont you think that every parents surely want their children to behave well and to be a highly moralized person?"
She answered me

"Sometimes, they cant determine their environment due to the chaotic relationship in the family, imagine that if your parents fighting all the way, your emotional development will also get affected. So, is not she teach her children to be bad, is her children own self turn bad due to the poor environment factor, that is why you can see her children, all also very bad tempered."
I answered

'But I thought emotions are more like genetic, is determined in the genes, like my father is less emotionally volatile person, and my mum is highly emotional person, Im their average, and all my siblings also have average emotions, easily get defended, but not until the stage of aggressive.'

She said

'Yes, but your parents never quarreled, because quarreling is the primary factor of affecting children emotions"

I said

'But even quarreled, why dont she ask her children to behaved well? Still can ask them to be not to offended easily or not to be aggressive"
She even laughed, joked and said

"HAHAHA! She own self already cant control her emotions, still how to control her children emotions some more? So everyone in the family just sama-sama bad tempered together hahahaha!

Well,

its time to sleep now,

bye bye bloggie.

Tomorrow got to continue practice valuation exam some more!

After these two final examinations,

I'll be enjoying my great winter holiday already.

Good luck and good night to myself :)

No comments

Hooray!

Finally,
I've hand-in my last piece of assignment-based homework for this semester - Research Design and Method,

and the funniest thing was I even used daddy's name in my assignment interview section,

just because he purchased a laptop for me and declared under company's cost asset,

so I'm assuming 'tax-avoidance' in this scenario. HAHAH!!! Look at the "interview section"!

And, one more thing, so fast!

It's already the end of my postgraduate first year,

and two more months,

it will be my second and/or last year of my postgraduate studies.

I'm wishing myself everyday get younger instead of growing older,

I wish to get back to the most earlier stage in my life where everything is so easy for me!

Baby math, play time and no worries for most of the day!

I wanna see my frenemy now!

I always miss her at night, thinking that one day I could revenge her in a kindest way,

but holding phobia to her at the same time,

I know i'm the weirdest person in the world,

but I guessed that this 'weird' factor might be the over-transforming of her character,

from a really toxic person to a kindest person in the world.

Vividly recalled,

daddy ever told me

"The lesson learned is dont trust people in the world, people that apparently look kindest, maybe the worst person, because they dont want to let people see through their true image, whilst people whom look like the worst person, may be the kindest person."

Now,

I truly believed this saying although I just perceived as a 'philosophical lesson' when I first heard,

I thought it was a common saying among old people.

And I can't believe that daddy supposed to have more life experience than me because he lives much longer than me.

Today,

when I laying on the bed while having my home-cook porridge dinner,

I think of the reason why my frenemy suddenly becoming so kind without any benefits or apparent reasons,

I tried to asked HK,

but he couldn't gives me an in-depth answer,

instead, he could only answers my question in a most superficial manner,

such as repeating my question and blurt out 'black and white' answer without any justification.

For example,

he answered me

'She became good because she suddenly wants to"

I asked him

"What do you mean by she became good because she suddenly wants to? There is no apparent evidence to support your justification, I mean whyyyyy she wanted to becomes good in a sudden way, and people changed for reason right?"

He answered

'Reason.... reason.... Reason.... I dont know how to tell"

(Dumb reaction)

I said

'Well, rather than asking you, I think I can think myself, its even faster and more logical"

He laughed and said

"I really dont know how to answer you"
I said

"Just answer, you can say yes or no, and the most important is you think what drives her action? Like for example, people become greedy because they want to get more things right?"

He said

"yes"
I said

"Then what about people become good, for what reason? Such as monetary benefits or what?"
He said

'Then monetary benefits, maybe your father gives her some money, and ask her dont beat you"
I said

'But since she likes money, if my father really gives her money and ask her dont beat me, I think the more she will beat, to get more money, as threaten"

He said

"Uhhhh then never gives lo"

I said

"Never gives then why she becomes good?"
He said

"Maybe she almost die already since she becoming old now?"
I said

'Then what is the relationship between die and becoming good, why when people almost die already, they want to become good?"
He even can't answers me and said

"Then no relationship"

I said

'Yours answers are totally illogic and you dont have the intentions to talk to me at all, that is why you simply answer without thinking"

He became grumpy and said

"I really got listened, but I dont know the answers"

Today,
I talked to my classmate while having supper high-tea with her,

I told her about the relationship between my ex bf, the teacher and me,

I told her that I having the "unforgettable past" issue and that is why I always ask a lot questions to him, and that was his response to me.

She even laughed and said

"My goodness! Why he is so funny!"
I said

"I dont know why he reluctant to answers me, the way he answers always very irrelevant or totally unrelated, or repeating my questions several times, that is what he makes me so angry"
She answers

"From the way you described his response, I think he couldnt answers you because lack of intelligence, if you ask someone who have knowledge, I am pretty sure their answers will satisfied you. I think, you just let it go, find a brand new guy, in terms of personality and background compatibility, I think this guy not suit you from the perspective of long-term"

I said

"Actually, you're not only the one who said so, maybe I'm quite blinded in love, like no ones supports me to go back to him, and I think I should take consideration into everyone's opinions, and summarized into a bigger picture"

She said

"Yeah! from the way you described him, I can tell that you need a man who can feeds your curiosity, so you wont have troubles anymore."
I said

"You mean asking like this considers curiosity, not worries?"

She said

"Actually is both, because your curiosity comes from worries. When you started to worried, then you will become curious, when you become curious, you'll ask a lot"

Today,

I even checked Google today, the exact reason of "why bad people becoming good"

And the most surprising thing is there is no such outcome in google search engine,

but only "Why good people turned bad".

I find this outcome so inspiring,

and thinking that maybe I should perceived things from the most origin stage,

thinking that "why she turns bad" in the first place (20-30 years ago), instead of "why she became good" at the end (now)?

Google even answers me the "27 reasons" why people turned bad in a commercial setting,

http://www.businessinsider.com.au/27-psychological-reasons-why-good-people-do-bad-things-2012-8#tunnel-vision-1

and I think it's a good idea to read them and applied to her case,

so that I don't have any curiosity to her any more.

Although the passage applied to a commercial setting,

but I guessed human changed regardless of whatever setting, as long as there are some external factors to drive their behaviors.

After I read those 27 reasons (the summation of all theories inside),

finally I came to a full understanding that why she turns bad,

the factors derived from many aspects in her life,

it includes power, status, self-respect, type of occupation (which relate to sleeping hour), her environment factor (how others treated her), and how others perceived her behaviours, the individual moral norm within herself (either the behaviours are cruel or not cruel to her) and the injustice in her life.

Power and status - people who have lower power and status tend to become bad, due to the inability of getting a high social status, thus people become angry and started to commit bad thing.

Type of occupation - Lesser sleep hours affects stress level, and thus high level of stress may causing someone lost self-control and self-discipline, imagine that she is a 12am-6pm sleeper, luckily that she didnt get crazy!

Moral norm - This is what I told her earlier with my own independent thought, I telling her that everyone has own moral norm, maybe for her, she think the cruelty is acceptable, but for certain people, the cruelty considers bad. So, yeah... it still a very subject question, and my thought even came out here, which is mean that I think correctly earlier

Injustice - When people can't do things that others can do, they will become angry and opposite to obedience, and tend to be more violent.

Self Esteem - When people have higher self-esteem, they are less incline to bad behaviors.

So,
i think maybe all these are the summation of her violent behaviours,

and think that it's time to put myself into her shoes.

Maybe she has many external environment factors like above to drive her bad,

almost 27 factors above correctly illustrated her life....

And good bye,

it's 5 am in 4 minutes more,

got to sleep already :)

No comments

Power and status - people who have lower power and status tend to become bad, due to the inability of getting a high social status, thus people become angry and started to commit bad thing.

Type of occupation - Lesser sleep hours affects stress level, and thus high level of stress may causing someone lost self-control and self-discipline, imagine that she is a 12am-6pm sleeper, luckily that she didnt get crazy!

Injustice - When people can't do things that others can do, they will become angry and opposite to obedience, and tend to be more violent.

Self Esteem - When people have higher self-esteem, they are less incline to bad behaviors.

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