Indifference

by Unknown - 5:38 pm

Perhaps,
I do acknowledge I am a silent child who apparently lack of love,
since young,
I am a child who awaiting my parents back to home from job instead of my parents awaiting me back to home from schooling.
Besides than lonely, still lonely;
other than indifferent, ~~still indifferent.~~

Vividly recalled,
Hung Kiat asked me the question of
'Why would you think of pressed her house bell?'
I answered him
'Because I suddenly recalled when I was secondary school around form 3, that time my house still hadn't renovate, there was a shortcut from my house to reach SK bukit beruang that path, one of the malay boy always passed by my house after school, whenever he passed by, he always pressed my house bell to irritate my maid. When my maid rushed out and he quickly ran away. So I suddenly recalled of this and applied it on Pn Lye. The quick and fast away to irritate her.'
He laughed and said
'Zha dao! Why the malay boy want to irritate your maid? He knows your maid?'
I said
'He dont know my maid, he just started pressing my bell since one day. Initially, my maid ignored him but he still continued pressed the bell whenever he passed by.'
He asked
'Then he pressed till when only he stopped?'
I said
'He pressed till my house renovated means the shortcut is removed and replaced my house. So when he can't pass by any more, he never comes any more.'
Hk laughed and asked
'So how long he pressed ?'
I said
'He pressed from Monday till Friday, everyday around 3pm like that, sometimes 3 something.
He said
'No, I mean he pressed how many years?'
I said
'My house renovated when I was 19 and he started coming when I was 15 . Around 4 years like that, that malay boy look like form 2 form 3 like that. I dont remembered his face but I remembered quite short ones. Like those last class malay boy height.'
He asked
'But your house so big, he dare to pressed meh?'
I said
'Because normally in afternoon, he saw my house got no car, he knew nobody at home so he dare.'
He said
'Then he knew you got at home or not?'
I said
'He knew, whenever he pressed the house bell and passed by, I always having lunch in the kitchen, he saw me through the window. But I always dont care him and continued eat, because I knew was him and used to already. Only my maid always very big reaction and rushed towards him.'
He said
'Hahaha which maid that time?'
I said
'That fat maid, her lips thick thick one you know?'
He said
'Oh that one, kun ah?'
I said
'Yes! How you know?'
He said
'When I first went your house, she still worked at your house. I remembered quiet quiet ones.'
I said
'Anah! She worked at my house since I form 3 like that until around 20.'
He laughed and said
'Haha how she rushed out towards the malay boy? Funny leh! Very hard to imagine.'
I said
'I remembered when I was eating, then when the malay boy pressed my house bell, then when the whole house phone rang, then my maid will rushed out and scolded bodoh and dont know what kunduk... something like that... her indonesia language... then when she came in, she continued washed plates or wiped the glass. Hahahaha!'
He said
'Then you leh? You got scolded that malay boy before or not?'
I said
'NO, I always continued eat, the first few times when he pressed, I got looked through the window see who pressed, but after around 3 times, I knew sure is him already, then I got no response to the bell already. I even turned my head over the window also never. Sometimes when I was playing computer, he pressed the bell, then I straight hang up the phone, because my house bell system is you must pick up the call only the phone will stop ringing.'
He even laughed and said
'Zha dao! If really got people come leh?'
I said
'Normally 3 something sure is that malay boy I know, if morning or at night maybe other people came. But my house memang not many people come ones... so I knew is him.'
he laughed and said
'Haha! I really can imagined your pattern, dont care dont care ones... when you eat something, got bell ring, you continued eat and dont care, head turn also never turn that type.'
I said
'Why? Very weird?'
He said
'Got a bit lah, because too no response already.'
I said
'Hahaha! Who knows Sherryn's person also like that ones... when I pressed the bell, ting tong ting tong ting tong, continued eat her things at kitchen and dont care...'
He said
'Anah, dont care is dont care, but normally people at least will look over in front for 2-3 seconds like that, yours is continue eat, look also never look, very funny!'
I said
'Because I used to dont response to bell already, since young when got bell ring I dont care ones, because I knew my maid or my mum will go and opened the gate. Hahaha!'
Hung Kiat even said
'Ya la, because you since young got maid so you used to live in indifferent already, everything also dont care and left to maid.'

When Hung Kiat said that,
I even recalled of Emily told me the same thing as what Hung Kiat said.
Emily asked me
'Clar, dont you feel afraid and insecure when you are alone in such big mansion?'
I said
'Not afraid lah, I used to already. '
She asked
'How if at night no one at home, you dare or not?'
I said
'Dare lah... sometimes I alone at home, no light for the whole house or power cut also I not scared ones....'
She even shocked and asked
'Har! You not scared? Power cut at night and alone at home? What u can do? Can see anything?'
I said
'Just go and lie down my bed and wait the power to on lah....'
She said
'Clar, tell you one thing, when I was young, also got the same life as you, my house got one third as your house now. That time my house big until talk also need to use intercom to talk, because too big already, nobody knows who at where. Even eat also must maid served in bedroom, so I feel like that kind of life is too lonely and lack of communication between family, dont u think so very uncomfortable? That is why now I preferred to stay in a smaller house.'
I said
'But I dont feel uncomfortable, I feel used to live in this kind of ambience, talked through handphone and intercom, eat alone when my parents havent come back, do things alone in my bedroom, that is why you can observed I stayed alone at Australia, because I feel extremely uncomfortable when people stay under a same roof with me, when I heard the footsteps sounds or door closing sounds, I will feel very annoying and uncomfortable. So I prefer to stay in a soundless environment.'

She even said
'Clar, I think your since young lifestyle shape your indifference today. Like princess princess like that ones and throw princess temper to hung kiat.'
I said
'I got indifference? Why you said I am indifference?'
She said
'Heard the way you talked lah, when I invite you to a place, your first question : is there many people? If a lot people I dont want to go ones.... and everything also dont care dont care ones... and when you driving, got accident scene beside, normal people slow down; curious and look, you wont ones... normal speed and never turn your head over... the way you reply text, people type until very long, you just replied ok only sometimes never reply. The most obvious is everything dont bothered ones... it just like in this world, besides than Pn Lye's things, there is nothing bother you any more, your response too indifferent already.'

However,

all of us always have to walk through unfamiliar roads,

inspect unfamiliar scenery and listen the unfamiliar songs.

Subsequently, during the inadvertent moment,

we will realized that the things which initially we make strenuous effort to forget,

indeed forgotten that way.

I believed that I could strike out the traumatic memories by that inadvertent moment as well as truly forget this bloody hell person.

I know my life would not be perfect when I live under her shadow.

I keep telling myself that she wasn't that bad and she is actually forgiveable in my heart.

Not to use crammer within myself,

I am still struggling the post-traumatic pain now; the highness of memories pain is killing me.

Both of us are actually strike so little for peace and secure,

doing odd aggressiveness to discharge the fear within ourselves.

Above statement is absolutely describe me more than her as her aggressiveness is much seemed like assaulting and mine is prone to disturbing.

That is why I described we have had odd aggressiveness, particularly me.

This is the reason why long term tortured made me yelled

"I've had enough, I've seen enough, I've experienced enough, I want out, I want it to end, I dont care any more, I want destruct your life to make you quit in this bet."