forward or backward

Dear God,

I really hope that we can be friend,

I knew the definition of 'forgive',

but I don't really know how to done that;

I don't know what is the first step of forgive in order to achieve forget.

This battle of resentment had surely lead exhausted in both of us.

Indeed,

my deep down hold an indescribable guiltiness and sorriness for bring her discomfort.

When I poured out my heart within myself,

I acknowledged that this short meet does really helped me a lot despite I was in the state of extremely refused in the first place.

Although I hadn't really heard the brief explanation of her past actions,

but her sincerity of coming has been received thoroughly. 

Vividly recalled,

Hung Kiat asked me

'Did Pn Lye told you about add math day just now?'

I shook my head and said

'No'

He said

'Har, then what she said?'

I said

'We never talk about past, because when she wants to speak about sorry, I close up my ears and keep talking to myself, so I only heard my voice instead of her voice.'

He said

'Then you one sentence about sorry also never heard at all?'

I said

'No, because once I heard the word sorry, then I quickly close up my ears, then started talking to myself, so when I stuffed both my ear with fingers, I heard loud voices which produced by my body.'

He said

'Ohhhh I can imagined that type of feeling, means you heard your own loud voice because you closed up your ears. Then you can't heard her voice at all?'

I said

'I could heard her voice when I closed up my ears and talked, but can't heard what she is actually talking about.'

He said

'Then what you all actually talked about if you refused to listen?'

I said

'We talked to Datin about everything gossip.'

Hung Kiat said

'Also true, this kind of thing must come slowly, things came too sudden sure you havent got preparation and refused to listen.'

I asked him

'You meant I refused to listen because havent got preparation?'

He said

'Of course lah, so sudden pop out in front of you without your knowing.'

I asked

'You think I will just reject her apologize once or forever?'

He said

'Once bah.... you can talk to her means you might accept on the next time. I think maybe the second time you will definitely listen.'

I said

'Head! No more second time! If she really comes for the second time, I will kill Datin!!!!'

When Hung Kiat heard that,

he can't stop laughing!!! LOL!!!

He laughed and said

'Hahahaha! Funny! You said you will kill Datin if she comes some more!'

I said

'Anah! She talk about anything I dont mind, but I just dont want she talk about add math, dont you feel like when she talks about it, both of us are like walking back to the scene? Because I think I very satisfied my life now, I dont want go back to past, I really cannot go back to the past, very suffered....'

Hung Kiat even said

'She talk to you about past wont let you go back to past but will only move forward.'

I said

'Your head! She talk bout past means go back past.'

He said

'Move forward.'

I said

'Go back past lah... because when mentioned till add math, I have the feeling we walked back to the scenario, and I scared the flashback will happened again, I can feel pain on my leg.'

He asked

'Flashback also can feel painful ones?'

I said

'Can lah... I dont know why, whenever my brain got that flashback where both of us sat on the bench, then I can feel pain on my leg. So that is why I keep on avoid the conversation, because when mention of the scene, my leg will painful.'

He even asked me a question

'Then you wish to let Pn Lye comes again?'

I said

'No. Because I already feel contented at this stage, I dont want listen her stories make me go back to past. You forgot the time that I suffered when I was in MMU? You want me go back that period?'

He said 

'No la... her apologies and explanation will only makes you move forward, not backward. Dont scared lah....'

I said

'You ask me not to scared? You really not afraid I walk back to origin? My recovery is your biggest dream, you everyday never failed to remind me for taking medicine at Australia and never failed to feed me medicine in Malaysia, and now I already recovered into this stage, you dont scared all of these will in vain?'

He said

'Because I knew her apologies and brief explanation will only make you move forward, forgive and forget after you understand her.'

I said

'What understand? She never tell me why she beaten me during add math day also.'

He said

'Ya la, because she havent tell mah, how if one day she tells?'

I said

'The truth is she herself also dont know whats the reason, what you expect more? How she going to tell me in the condition of she herself also dont know?'

He said

'I think she knows but still hasn't had the courage to tell.'

I said

'What havent got courage? If she dont have courage she will came? Sure she got think what to say before she comes ones...'

He said

'Dont hate Datin lah, Datin is helping you. You see now you get better a lot after that Friday.'

I said

'I never get better at all.'

He said

'Very obviously you get better. Previously, no matter what she did, called your father, told my father, lodged police or beaten you like hell also you came on the next day, doing the same thing, now you can stop going a lot of days, never disturb any more and unwittingly you let go a lot. Dont you think so? So I think all these need interaction.'

I said

'Interact your head ! I think it will only worsened my condition.'

He said

'You see your father go and asked God also God said the main problem is both of you lack of interaction.'

I said

'God never survive in this world, so he dont know. But I know!'

when I said like that,

Hung Kiat even non stop laughing and said

'Hahahaha! Sampat lahhhh you said like that! Funny!'

I laughed and said

'Ya la... I no need her, I can forget myself. What fart interaction only worsened me!'

Hung Kiat even asked me seriously

'Why you keep on want to reject people's kindness and live in suffering? You obviously need the apologies and you said you no need, you obviously need her you said you no need.'

I even get angry and said

'Eh! Even doctor also cant help, you think she can help? You think she got so clever? If she really got so clever she already becomes doctor!'

Hung Kiat even said

'Ya la in this situation doctor can't help but only she can help mah.... because she is the only one who can solve problem and untie your knot. To be frankly, I think doctor really can't help. Doctor can prescribe you medicine only... without her, you really have to one lifetime rely on medicine, this is what doctor can help only.'

I even getting angrier and said

'Heng! You really think she is doctor!'

He said

'She is not doctor but the fact is very obvious only she can help. Very common sense, everyone will think that way. Even I told your mom that Pn Lye want to apologize to you, your mum very happy, you know what she said? She said finally God help my daughter. She will said like that is because she also knew only Pn Lye can help.'

I said

'Why?'

He said

'Very obvious lah, common sense people will think that way. Because this kind of thing doctor really hard to help ones... they can only prescribe medicine and do nothing, because the traumatic memory is in your mind so they can't do anything, unless you break your head and got memory loss. But only pn lye can help, because she is the only one who knew what happened, so she knew what to say and how to explain to make you put down.'

I said

'I really no need what apologize, I just want a life like now, I satisfied already, I dont want move backward nor move forward, I already felt contented, I scared the more she did the more I get worst.'

He said

'Now you where got get worse?'

I said

'Got.... you see now I still going....'

He said

'Go is of course you still will go... but you already never disturb and rarely go.... and very obviously changed a lot....'

I said

'Then I think I already recovered, I dont want she apologized any more. I dont want make myself worse, I dont want go back to past.'

He even said

'You just sympathize her but not forgive her, because you never disturb her but you still going. You never disturb her is because you sympathize her, you still going is because you havent forgive. The reason is because you haven't listen her apologize so you havent forgive, but you just heard Datin said she is pity so you sympathized her.'

I said

'I just want her to shift then I will forgive.'

He said

'No you wont, if she never apologize, I bet even she shift already you still wont forgive plus forget.'

I said

'I will.'

He said

'You wont.'

I said

'I really will.'

He said

'You really wont.'

I said

'Why?'

He said

'Because when she havent explain, you havent understand her, when you havent understand her, you dont know then when you dont know, you wont forget and forgive.'

I said

'But the fact is even she herself also dont know why she did that, how to explain?'

Hung Kiat even said

'I really hope you dont denied her help when you need it the most.'

I said

'First time Majestic, Second time Ramada, the third time I will choose a more expensive place to make her cannot make it.'

Hung Kiat laughed and said

'Hahaha! What she scared? Got Datin beside! She no need to pay at all.'

After Hung Kiat said this,

this morning I even saw this picture quote in FACEBOOK and think of what Hung Kiat mentioned in few days ago.

I sat down with a cup of coffee and pondered that do I really same as what the picture speak?

Do I really suffering in the toughest thing in life right now and pretending that I no need someone when I need them the most?

Seriously,

I am getting hard to understand my own psychological condition now,

I just feel like I dont want to move neither forward nor backward but just want to stay at the same place.

Well,
it's almost 4am now!
I should sleep now! Bye bloggie :D