Trauma outburst in the midnight

This year,

it's the fifth year ceremony of the add math incident :(

Last night, when I was watching a love movie, 

I even suddenly recalled this sadness and automatically rolled down the salty tears when the actress in the movie said

'Your trauma will not recover if you dont face it once and all. You keep escape, you want to escape till when?'

After I heard this, I straight cried as this scene move me,

certainly,

I am still currently in the knot and do not now how to face it,

I don't know how long is this battle or how long does this suffering long lasting.

I guessed the incident is still unforgettable to me because the cause of the incident still unknown,

I don't know why she suddenly beaten me that way and she unwilling to let me know.

Perhaps,

this is so called the communication barrier between us.

I don't know why it happened and yet she still doesn't gives me the solid reason.

It has been considered a long time,

but I am still revolving in this circle of trauma,

last night about 1 o'clock midnight, 

the condition state of my trauma suddenly outburst after I took the tranquilizers,

I suddenly cried and felt really insecure,

whatsapp Datin and asked her 

'Do you think Pn Lye got motive behind? She told Hung Kiat's father said she said sorry to me means want to harm me?'

Datin cool me down and said

'No la... she dont have motive ones... her sorry is real sorry... she never wants to harm you....'

I cried and said

'But, you and me, both of us also not the first day know her, we also know the thing she did sure got intention behind ones... sure got advantage only she will do... if not why she suddenly became so good? I think sure she wants to harm me at the back, but I still cant figure out her scheme only...'

Datin said

'Really no... she doesnt have scheme ones... Clarissa I tell you, she really already changed a lot. Trust me! She wont harm you ones...'

I said

'She got which time never harm me? Besides than beat me, always think solution to harm me....'

Datin said

'Really no... told you already, she changed already, she wont harm you any more, I tell you, last time she always told me how how how I want to scold her or how how how I want to come out.. now she langsung never say like this already, I can realized her changed... maybe it just like Hung Kiat's father said... people old already thinking changed....'

I said

'But where got so suddenly changed ones? I just came back from Australia then she suddenly 360 degree changed?'

Datin said

'Ya la... people changed very fast ones...'

I cried and said

'But I still think she wants to harm me.... I think her action is scary.... especially when she wants to treat me good, I will become more afraid...'

Datin said

'Dont cry lah Clarissa.... dont scared, she wont harm you ones....'

I said

'I rather she still be herself, continuing doing bad things is not that scary than  suddenly treat me good.'

She said

'She is real good.... she really changed already... you have to trust her....'

I said

'But every time when I trust myself, facts always opposed me at the end, sometimes I knew it was my fault, then I told myself, ok lah this time go only, dont disturb, but at the time when I never disturb, she harmed me behind like telling my father I went... then I would became very frustrated, back to origin and disturbed her again, and another time I decided not to disturb, just go only... but her daughter still came out...  and another time I helped her, when my father asked me where she beat me, I keep quiet in front of her, but at the end, she told police I am thief and also told Hung Kiat about my bad things behind me... so 1 time 2 times and 3 times like this I would became very frustrated, I would keep thinking no matter how good I treated, she would still harm me... so I will keep telling myself dont treat her so good.'

Datin still insisted about Pn Lye already changed and told me

'But that one is past, now she already changed, she is real good, wont harm you ones.... if you dont believe me, this Friday all of us come out, I showed you how good she is.'

I said

'Dont want dont want dont want... Vivian, you and me 3 persons eat enough... I dont dare face her... because I scared later she talk about add math, I would became very embarrass and she would embarrass also... so I dont want face this kind of situation....'

Datin said

'No, Clarissa, I tell you, no matter how you still have to face it, because you have to think about your future, if a problem never solve, you will face it forever, if she never apologize to you, this dark shadow will follow you one lifetime. Now you still 20 out, you have to survive till seventy eighty years old... still have around 60 years to go, next time very suffered ones...'

I cried and said

'I even willing to let this shadow follow me one lifetime rather than facing it... I really cannot face... I dont know how to explain to you because you are not the person who experienced the incident, so you will think nothing or you will think its nothing to face it, but I am the only one who know how shameful it is ones... You imagine when she speak back all those, is like the feeling we walked back to the exact scene... I dont want means I dont want... since I already used to suffered in this trauma, you just let me continue living with it, I dont want change my life, because I dont want walk back to the scene for another time....'

Datin said

'Ok if you dont want see her then just dont see... Friday I talk to you more, now you dont cry already, guai guai go sleep... dont think too much already.'

After that,

I ended the voice mesasge with Datin; rubbed off my tears and lie down on bed for sleep,

but don't know how come I can't sleep for the whole night !

I am actually closed up my mind thinking instead of dreaming,

and lying instead of sleeping.

I got this awakening feeling till the next morning even I already took pill.

In the early morning,

I even suddenly think back what datin said

'If you never solve this problem, this dark shadow will follow you forever till very suffered like now....'