Right now,

I got panicked and seriously shocked by the answer - she did not shift yet and wouldn't shift.

Unreasonable panicked and inexplicable fear encroach me,

I keep afraid she is gonna harms me,

I am afraid of the future hurt,
will she does the same thing again?

will she thinks of kills me again?

she is unwilling to end the problem?

A few weeks ago,

I couldn't fall asleep due to the happiness and excited of knowing she is gonna shift.

But tonight,

I knew I can't sleep due to the indignant and trepidation of knowing she is not shifting. 

What to do when facing a truth?

Only tears accompaniment,

deep down telling myself people weren't cheat me but consoled me to reduced my state of vexation.

I have to tell myself exasperation is the killing emotion,

I don't angry, I don't sad, be happy to keep long my life.

Sigh for a second; it does shorten a second of life.

I live in a liberalism world, I shouldn't be control by the environment.

If I know she doesn't shift, I have to change a way to solve a problem.

But,

to think and worry is a fearsome thing,

there is no hating the truth once it flows into ears.

I didn't doubt the truth; I knew its real, 

I daren't bet the future,

because I know the hurt is still mine.

I knew I am fragile and she is strong,

I know I can't do anything,

I knew I don't have a good protection level, a proud self-esteem and a strong bravery to revolts her.

Once again,

I merely can pray hard to God,

please treat me good in the future; a full-protection is enough for me,

materialistic treatment from others is not expecting from me.

I just want a Clarissa who fully be protected, no hurts in deep down and no wounds on the body...

That's it, that's simple, the simplest contentment of mine...

 

Dear God,

can you save me once again in the future?

I don't feel like to suppurate any more; my shoulders are tired of up and down and physically exhausted of rolling down the salty tears...

I afraid of hurt and pain,

I have a purest desire; do not get hurt in the future; keep me in a safe heaven of this earth...

And lemme meet some new people who wouldn't physically or mentally hurt me,

change my life to a safer environment and keep my life to a safer state.

Dear Jesus,

I thought you promised me after two years of medication, I will be free from anxieties?

Don't make me spiritually devastated, alright?

I just need a pure controlled state; peace and simplest life which has no vexation of thinking the past...

I've try so hard to forget the past; but no matter what I did and how I academically succeeded,

 the truth is still the truth, the past is still the past, the hurt is still the hurt, the memories are still there, that part of shadow is still behind me.

I got mentally torment for long enough and its time to let me stop breathing heavily...

Don't let the needless truth becoming a sort of mental torment in my future....

I just want a bright sunny day with a natural smile...

Recently and naturally,

I been attracted to a lot of sweets temptations after came back from supermarket. 

Just bought the new one; steel spatula, easy to wash :D

+ 5 years guarantee !

Look! This! What a shinning utensil ! Hahahaha!

Some more can reflect my face clearly!

 

Hung Kiat even said

'You are so hyperactive for these few days.'

I said

'Did I? Hahaha! How?'

He said

'Dont know... the way you talked in phone, keep laughing and from the things you posted in FACEBOOK.'

I said

'But I didnt realized.'

He even said

'OR the baby milk you drank?'

I said

'Dont know... since when I began to hyperactive??'

He said

'These few days.... when you started to drink the milk?'

I said

'3 days ago.'

He said

'Or you think is the milk? Because I saw you put many spoons sugar in your blog.'

I said

'Hahaha! Dont know... nowadays I keep very hungry, then drank a lot of milk at night. But I think I already dont have hyperactive.'

He said

'I think you dont have hyperactive but when you got drink sweets things or eat, I think still will leh... dont u think so?'

I said

'How? I didnt notice.'

He said

'Got leh... and I think very obvious, you will become very excited and keep laughing and do crazy things after I saw you eat sweet things in your blog.'

I asked him

'For example what crazy things?'

He said

'I saw you wrote in facebook, when you saw bus, straight simply get up and take 1 hour bus to Glenelg. Siao ah?'

When he said that,

I really cant stop laughing myself :D

That day, after my class in the uni.

At the moment I walking out of the uni; going back home.

Coincidence, I saw an oncoming 'Glenelg' bus,

I straight hailed the bus; rushed over the road and hopped onto the bus,

because I am curious whether how long if I take the bus to Glenelg instead of tram and also I feel like going Glenelg to have a seafood lunch.

HAHA!

Who knows once I get onto the bus,

after an hour only the bus reached! Funny!

Hung Kiat said 

'Siao ah you? 1 hour can from melaka reached KLIA already, you just go there eat only then come back?'

I said

'Why? Very weird meh? Last time I brought my father to glenelg beach, I told him sometimes if I boring I will come alone shopping and eat ones.... Then he was shocked! He got a bit loud voice, like get frightened that type and asked me: You come here shopping alone then go back? Then I said: Yes.... Then he said : Aiyo! Jiang Yuan (so far).'

He said

'Anah! Very far leh...  last time you from city go Glenelg is 40 minutes. Now, you from Magill go Glenelg is 1 hour also you want to go... hahaha.... some more eat only.... hahaha then what your father said?

I said

'I told him the tram ticket or bus ticket is just $1.60.... then he said : Hmmmm.....'

He said

'Anah... you go like that is never wrong la... but mostly people wont do that... people shocked is not because the price of the ticket... is because too far... and you just go eat only... come and back need 2 hours.... normally people just simply eat nearby only... where got people like you like that ones... hahahaha! Imagine someone take bus from Melaka to KLIA eat.... after eat then come back....' 

I said

'Then like that got related to hyperactive? Why you said I do crazy things?'

He said

'Hahahaha! Considered a bit crazy la... because is like very impulsive straight get up the bus without think twice... very hyper action....'

I said

'Aiya... also that one only... how can say I hyper because of eat sweet things? Must got a few actions to prove only considered.'

The most funny,

he even said

'And the video you captured in class, laughed die me! Your face damn funny.'

I said

'Which one?'

He said

'You posted in Instagram ones... laugh die me...'

I said

'That one got crazy?'

He said

'Got a bit la... hahaha.... because you do funny faces.... look like very hyper....'

I said

'Haiya! talked like so clever! You go and do research lah!'

But after we hang up the phone call,

I really thinking

'Am I really got hyper after consuming sweet things? Is this really truth?'

And when I flipping back my facebook's pictures and scrolled down my facebook page.

I realized its kinda true from what my hubby said :D

Because I really seriously consumed too much of sweet drinks and junk foods for these few days!

And nowadays,

I really sleep with my junk foods because I loved them too much!

Ain't kidding!

Sometimes when I can't sleep; very boring,

I just switch on the bedlamp and eat these junk foods which just beside me!

Hahaha! lazy right? No need to walk far away to the kitchen!