Panicked
Right now,
I got panicked and seriously shocked by the answer - she did not shift yet and wouldn't shift.
Unreasonable panicked and inexplicable fear encroach me,
I keep afraid she is gonna harms me,
I am afraid of the future hurt,
will she does the same thing again?
will she does the same thing again?
will she thinks of kills me again?
she is unwilling to end the problem?
A few weeks ago,
I couldn't fall asleep due to the happiness and excited of knowing she is gonna shift.
But tonight,
I knew I can't sleep due to the indignant and trepidation of knowing she is not shifting.
What to do when facing a truth?
Only tears accompaniment,
deep down telling myself people weren't cheat me but consoled me to reduced my state of vexation.
I have to tell myself exasperation is the killing emotion,
I don't angry, I don't sad, be happy to keep long my life.
Sigh for a second; it does shorten a second of life.
I live in a liberalism world, I shouldn't be control by the environment.
If I know she doesn't shift, I have to change a way to solve a problem.
But,
to think and worry is a fearsome thing,
there is no hating the truth once it flows into ears.
I didn't doubt the truth; I knew its real,
I daren't bet the future,
because I know the hurt is still mine.
I knew I am fragile and she is strong,
I know I can't do anything,
I knew I don't have a good protection level, a proud self-esteem and a strong bravery to revolts her.
Once again,
I merely can pray hard to God,
please treat me good in the future; a full-protection is enough for me,
materialistic treatment from others is not expecting from me.
I just want a Clarissa who fully be protected, no hurts in deep down and no wounds on the body...
That's it, that's simple, the simplest contentment of mine...
Dear God,
can you save me once again in the future?
I don't feel like to suppurate any more; my shoulders are tired of up and down and physically exhausted of rolling down the salty tears...
I afraid of hurt and pain,
I have a purest desire; do not get hurt in the future; keep me in a safe heaven of this earth...
And lemme meet some new people who wouldn't physically or mentally hurt me,
change my life to a safer environment and keep my life to a safer state.
Dear Jesus,
I thought you promised me after two years of medication, I will be free from anxieties?
Don't make me spiritually devastated, alright?
I just need a pure controlled state; peace and simplest life which has no vexation of thinking the past...
I've try so hard to forget the past; but no matter what I did and how I academically succeeded,
the truth is still the truth, the past is still the past, the hurt is still the hurt, the memories are still there, that part of shadow is still behind me.
I got mentally torment for long enough and its time to let me stop breathing heavily...
Don't let the needless truth becoming a sort of mental torment in my future....
I just want a bright sunny day with a natural smile...
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