The most scary thing in world
In this rotating earth,
the most scary thing in this planet is to see drugs in the young and frivolous age.
What to do?
Things have happened in ages ago.
Stacks and stacks of pills awaiting your life.
Only put down and move on are acceptable.
Whenever I get the new stack of pills,
feel like killing somebody :(
Do I hate her so much?
No, I don't, but I eager I could.
I hate to see her go yet I'd love to watch her leave.
I have a sense that I am running back and forth in my life like a soccer woman;
I got both backward life and forward life alternatively.
Nevertheless,
I flatly choose to caught in contradiction.
Originally,
I'd almost had a step to recovery but the stubborness brought me back to the original stage that have to rely a more dosage of drugs.
Indeed,
I hate the shit she does and still painfully couldn't forget.
I am an injurer while she is the comedian of the day.
I always have a true belief in my deep down,
staffs are spreading the incidents behind and at the same time it's a sort of belittling for my reputation.
For the people who care of me, they told me it's good to let people know about her wrong doings.
Hereby,
I don't hatred media and I would like to become the media for the sake of overcoming this trauma.
That's the behind truth of why I am choosing journalism at this moment.
Definitely,
I am not mean to be avenge like reporting the case in future,
nevertheless purely want to choose a course that could make me bring to mind of the trauma of seventeen forever.
Regarding the semi-touchable engineering path,
just left the exam paper in drawer, the memorable certificate on the corner of the table, the scientific calculator with the unseen add math paper, the mp3 with the dried tears and the ungraspable pencil in the brush pot.
Those are tearful objects as well as recollection of trauma.
Regarding the drugs,
take more a year, feel like hatred her another year.
When I stepped into the pharmacy to enchant the drugs,
the pharmacist straight gave me such a big stacks of pills ....
At the same time she told me
'You still have twelve stacks but we currently out of stocks, by tomorrow you may come and retrieve again.'
But until now,
I still haven't step in the pharmacy and retrieve.
I am thinking after finished all these only I go and retrieve :(
Be frankly,
I never and ever think of want her to be sorry to me or to let her knows the consequences of her actions that brought me into this stage.
Certainly, I never.
But,
the pure hope is I do not want her to injured me any more.
That's it,
I am simple and innocent;
wasn't greedy, wasn't questioning, wasn't wanted for more, wasn't sigh and cry in front of her.
I don't have a good brain to protect myself,
whatever she did,
it's up to her; I didn't bother but suffered.
Sometimes,
I still uncontrollably weep at the back without her knowing;
smiled in front of her; cried at her back,
smiled in Facebook; cried in blog.
I don't really know what's the solid reason to hide up my pure and authentic emotions.
Do you know?
Freaks were born with their trauma and they've successfully passed through.
However unfortunately, I haven't.
Because there are uncountable wounds and unmeasurable hurts that never show on the body,
but invisibly hide in the inner side while emotions always flee upside down.
Growing up in a physically and sexually unhealthy place weren't feel good at all,
the flashbacks of traumatic injury often plays hide and seek on the road of recovery.
Now,
declaring independence is what I struggling at the same time.
Indeed,
there are many and many more facts and stuffs are more scary than bleeds.
Somehow...
feel like today is my big blue day :(
Unspeakably describe everything so sorrowful...
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