累和泪

累和泪,

Lei and lei,

these two words has the same pronunciation; different definition and its the accompaniment of sadness.

Last night,

I've experienced two tremendous blow,

First, she is not shifting.

Second, I've decided to break off with hk.

Although I did took pills to sleep;

but still felt tired once I woke up in the morning.

Today morning, I did not attend class,

because I can't wake up in the morning and once I woke up, 

somehow I cried miserably again.

Perhaps,

the unspeakable stress is really burden and bring a certain sadness to me.

I can't bear and solve it myself yet it's unspeakable for me.

I don't know how to describe or how to tell people,

but just keep it in deep down.

That kind of sadness is really depressive, forcibly and burst into tears indeed.

These two matters have the differences and similarities,

it difference in one comes to hate and another comes to love,

the similarities are I can't accept and burst into tears.

I don't really know whether it's my own  pure generative thoughts or its truth?

I keep telling myself both of them could harm me if they stay beside me,

I keep telling myself

'If Pn Lye never shift, she will beats me again, thereby she definitely will harms me once again.'

and

'If Hung Kiat and me never separate, he will harms my life and ruins my future.'

Certainly,

I am not sure why I always take negatively or pessimistically and take things too hard ?

I just think the presence of everyone will generate a sort of harm to me?

I am really too stress right now; I am so fragile to bear it alone.

At the same time,

when too many people brain wash me,

I became more stressful than usual;

people always telling me 

'You are too innocent, you dont know people can harm you.'

This statement will certainly brought a huge influence to me due to my pessimistic character.

Yesterday,

while had a dim sum lunch with Tee Syi Rui,

I asked her

'Do you think I really too stupid?'

She said

'I think you are not stupid, you are too kind, so people will think you as stupid.'

I said

'You mean too kind will let people think I am stupid?'

She said

'Ya la... tell you one thing, you dont go and tell Kevin... that day he just chat with me in Facebook, he told me (mandarin) : Kan Na Ge Clarissa Sha Sha like that, tak sangka she got all distinctions and get the merit achiever. He said he never predicts you will get... then I keep laughing when I saw he wrote like that... hahaha! I show Brian he wrote like that, Brian also laughed....'

I said

'How he knows? I never tell him about my results... He never goes the graduation also how he knows I got merit achiever? .... And also... some people who are smart, doesnt mean they are excel in academic... some people are stupid, instead they are excel in academic... so intelligence is nothing to do with academic... you see Kevin person so smart, he also failed....'

She said

'Now I tell you la... I also dont know how he knows? Maybe other people spread....'

I said

'But I dont have all distinction... I missed one...'

She said

'You took how many subjects and which subject you missed?'

I said

'I took 8 subjects, missed in Psychology... initially my essay and case study distinction already, but final exam pulled me down to credit... I dont know why, I thought I will get distinction because I really studied and memorized all already.'

She said

'Oh... aiya sometimes is like that ones.... I also... because their questions very tricky... You thought you correct, but its wrong actually.'

I said

'You think I really look like sha sha? Why Kevin will said me like that?'

She said

'That's why... I told you dont always too kind, if not people will think you as sha... when people ask you to help... you think first, dont straight help. If not people will think you even harm yourself also you help, this is call sha lo....'

I said

'I really got like that? My friend's mum also said me like that even the first day she saw me... she said me too sha edi... she said Auntie never see before people like you, dont even want to go saloon do hair, but brought Auntie go Glenelg beach blow cool air... some more dont let Auntie belanja you... too sha edi... I just told my daughter just now... I said we all can meet you is our luck, because your person too good already, then she keep telling me next time dont sha sha know? She said put own self number one first... after finish own task only help people....'

She said

'Hahahaha! Anah! Normally people sure after settle the hair, got time only help other people ones....'

I said

'But she dont know the place....'

She said

'You can tell her where where where and she will go herself ones... you no need bring her ones... that is why you too good, people will think you sha....'

I said

'But I never too good to Kevin, why he said me kan Clarissa sha sha jiang? He just knew me one semester leh....'

She said

'Hahaha! How I know? Maybe a few months interaction with you then he felt your character?'

I said

'Haiz... I dont know how I act make people think me too good, even that Ada, she is a so good person also climbed on top of my head d you know?'

She said

'What happened?'

I said

'When I moved in this new house, she said she no place to stay, ask me to accommodate her, then I said ok lo... since she no place to stay plus no money to stay expensive place, then who knows when she came in, we already planned the duty schedule, whatever she dont want to do, I do... she said she wants wash plates and throw rubbish because she said toilet very dirty she darent touch... then I said ok lo... I wash toilets, mop the kitchen and lounge floor. But she said only, she didn't do at all, all left me do alone. Then after one week, she totally dont want do at all already, even the plates she didnt want to wash, the dustbin full already she doesnt wants to throw, then I washed her plates and helped her throw the rubbish. Then she start saying the rental is too expensive, then I asked her to find someone to replace her unit. Then she cant find someone to replace because everybody already got own settlement, then I said: Ok lo... I cover your two years rental... I want to stay alone, you no need find people already... then she still asked me dont get water and electricity bills from her... everyone keep telling me cannot! Because electricity bills very expensive ones... then when I said cannot, she asked me to return her the $500 bonds... then my mum keep telling me cannot return to her, because she break contract means bonds forfeited, I cant use my pocket money to return her... then I told her cannot like that... because its her own decision wants to move out, then she already paid the rental of August-September, she wants to move out earlier, then she said she wants to get back the $500 rental from agent, and asked me to pay back the agent $500. Then I said cannot... because if like that means I paying your rental? Then she cried....'

Tee Syi Rui said

'Sot de....'

I said

'Then my father said she this kind of person is bully and used of people...'

Tee syi rui said

'Anah... I think she think you sha sha.... because she already paid her rental 500 mah... her meaning is she wants you to give her back 500... so she said she take from agent that 500 and ask you pay back agent 500....'

I said

'Anah... I knew la... means I still have to pay that agent after she took the money from agent la... then I straight said: Since you already paid your rental, why you still want to get back your money and asked me to pay? You like that not using me? Then she keep saying she dont know what I am talking about.'

She said

'I think she knew what you are talking about... she just speechless and pretended dont know....'

I said

'You think this two week, what I've did and let her think me sha sha?'

She said

'Said d lo... your person dont too good to people, if you too good to people, no matter how good is that person, that person still will take your advantage of your good ones... and will think you as sha.... because a normal person wont let own self rugi ones....'

I said

'You think which part I did make her feel I very sha?'
She said

'Mmmm... just like when both of you just moved in, you no need help her do her house chores ones... because its her duty and responsibility... if she never do, you must ask her do instead of help her do... when you help her do, she will think you sha ah? You know or not?'

I said

'Actually at the first few day we moved in, my friend's mum already got told me dont treat people too good and revel my true inner, because this will led others take advantage to me or harm me... that Auntie said the way I speak can revel my whole inner to other people... she said the way I talked can let other people know this person is too innocent already... then she told me: If this Ada... she dont have money, why she still wants to stay with you but not finding a job? Then I told that Auntie, I said I see her kesian, still help her go and find job... and when I successfully found a job already, I told her the boss want her, she dont want go... then that Auntie said: Because she is using of you mah... if she no money already sure she will go and find a job, because she thinks she can rely you to survive, so what for she go and take that job? Thats why Auntie advice you... you no need go and find a job for her ones... one person no money sure will go and find money ones... this is automatic ones mah... if not she will get money from her parents... both also she never, she never go and find job, she never go and get money from her parent, she never do house chores and all left to you. Very obvious, dont tell Auntie you still cant see she is completely using you? Then I told Auntie: But her face look very good oh? Then that Auntie said: Good? You see la... this kind of person when you stay longer with her... she will climb on top of your help if you still continue treat her too good... then now that Auntie already returned to Malaysia, now the thing she said really happened already, now she really climbed on top my head... she really ask me to dont get water and electricity bills from her, and asked me give her $500 for bonds money and asked me give her $500 for this month rental...'

Tee Syi Rui said

'Aiya... no money ask her go back la....'

I said

'Then hor... now she already moved into Magill... she some more go and choose Law as her Submajor and everyday take bus to City west Campus...'

She said

'Dian ones..... I think she is using of you... you see... no matter how far is the campus, she even willing to stay with you... Clar... so obvious edi you still cant see out meh? You want people do until how only you can stop treating people abnormally good? I not mean you cant help people, but has limit, if the offer will make yourself rugi, why you still want to help? That is why people will think you sha... who wants to rugi?'

I said

'My father also said me like that before... but he never say me sha... he scolded me: I tell you! You this person too soft hearted edi... people want you to do anything is too easy already... then scold me until I cried....'

She said

'what happened? why he scolded you like that?'

I said

'That time you la... because you want me to stay with you and become Grantor... then he said because you dont want take risk and used of me... ask me become grantor I still nodded my head... he said if Syi Rui and her boyfriend late bank in the rental money for you how? your bank account not being charged until got debt? And how to survive? Then he scolded me never think and everything ok ok ok... thing like this I also can nodded head... and he said you asked me to help you carry goods pass customs... then he said no matter how good is a person, you cannot help people take things through customs... he said if got drugs, I can die from death penalty ones... he said case between boyfriend girlfriend also can happen, what to say best friend? I know you never carry drugs la... but my dad will worry, he said my person too innocent and soft hearted already, he said he will scared... And also he keep scolding very loud, he said: YOU THIS TYPE OF PERSON! PEOPLE WANT TO ASK YOU DO THINGS IS TOO EASY ALREADY!'

She said

'Hahahaha! Sorry la... I never think until that.... because that time Brian and me is oversea.... so I will ask you become Grantor...'

I said

'I got told my father, he said where got care what overseas ones? He said he in Malaysia also every month can transfer me pocket money... then he said internet banking also can.... he said you find excuse to ask me do things....'

She said

'Walao!! You see got which time I got never pay you money?'

I said

'How my dad know you? And also, he said even you late bank in money also the Crown Plaza company got rights to charge me money, he said because I some more choose automatically transfer... he said too dangerous edi... he said because Crown plaza is a very big company... once I sign the agreement to do automatically transfer, they can charge my money from my bank account until even I bankcrupt edi they still can withdraw my money edi... so my dad said your person know my person like that already, still can do such thing to me, he keep saying u are not good. He said from the situation, he said you are avoiding accountability and dont want take risk, so find me as grantor, he said even you got money also u dont want be grantor, he said because nobody wants to endanger own self and nobody want to take risk.'

She said

'hahahaha! I never think until so far mah... that time I just think of convenience....'

I said

'You think I really sha?'

She said

'Mmmmm.... your person cannot differentiate what is right and wrong... and you dont know people can harm you... but not me la... hahahaha!'

Overall,

I keep recalled Syi Rui said 

'And you dont know people can harm you....'

I began to think too much till everyone can harmed you.

I keep thinking Pn Lye can harm me without my knowing.

Then could sleepless at night even already took pill and can't wake up in the morning;

skipped class and keep crying for my stupidity.

And when I seen this message, I even cried more,

because I am too touching someone loved me till this level.

And,

I dont really know I made this decision is a correct decision or not?

Certainly,

I loved him a lot and loved him much than anyone else in my deep down,

but the only thing I could do is tell myself

'No matter how you loved him, you still have to put down him, because his financial ability may endanger your future.'

 Start from today onwards,

I will try my best to forget that two persons at the same time.