Put down

by Unknown - 9:06 pm

Somehow,

today is like my doomsday.

I don't really know how deep I loved him actually until the day we separate.

I was like keep thinking him, really sad, missing him, regretting, sorriness and guiltiness is killing me right now.

My heart is so heavy and painful when his image crossed my mind.

To be frankly,

today I been cried for the whole day,

I don't really expect I would like that.

The tears are irresistible and overly emotional,

I really can't control it from rolling down,

even I am outside; when I think of him, I still couldn't resist and rolled down my tears.

Whether I am walking alone on the street, talking phone with mummy, talked about him with friends, taking bus alone,

I was crying all the way while think of him.
I don't really know this sad feeling is so strong to me until today we separate.

But anyway,

I hope these tears are valuable and would be able to helped me in my future.

I remembered Sherron's words,

'Cried once and all'

In this relationship, this ending,

I really told myself the same thing,

'Today, I cried once and all for you. Tomorrow I gotta be strong and no more tears.'

I recalled daddy's words

'Sometimes, things cant be soft-hearted.'

I remembered my own principles,

'I gotta be strong, I cant keep crying till future.'

I keep telling myself

'I cant turn over my head, since he already let go me, this is my best opportunity to left him and move on.'

'I gotta walk forward instead of look back.'

'I believe sadness will fade off day by day.'

'The sadness is temporarily.'

'Just like everyone telling me, you have many choices, you deserve the better.'

Despite I know he is good enough and both of us loved each other,

but his future is killing me,

I cant regret in future,

I gotta left him now, if not the longer we drag, the more we suffer later.

Ultimately,

I still told myself

'Now, be single, dont accept anyone until you really love them, dont let them become the second Hung Kiat, make sure they are prefect to you and your future, once you accept them, the bits and pieces began; memories generated, in the future, when you think he is imperfect to you, you will still experience this killing sadness today. So, dont ever simply accept people anymore. Be single, dont drag anyone into your relationship any more, dont cry any more, without him, you still can survive, you are so strong, its time to start concentrate in studies and stop revolving in love story.'

When I woke up in the morning,

the first thing; I cried because of him when I opened up my eyes.

When I never go to class;

I sit on the bed and cried again of regretting letting him go.

When Chloe and Chin Yean text me for an outing,

my tears non stop rolling down when I wearing make up.

After make up,

when I walked to the bus stop and waiting the bus.

my make up all gone due to the unstoppable rolling tears.

When the bus reached in front of me; I walked back home to touch up my makeup,

I non stop crying when walking back home.

After touch up my make up,

I still cried when re-go the bus stop,

I was like really freaking fade-up myself for non stop rolling down my tears.

I been touch up my makeup repeatedly,

but the tears still uncontrollably rolled down unwillingly.

And I don't really why when I mentioned him to Chloe and Chin Yean,

before I speak a word,

I been burst into tears,

when I told them more about him, I cried even more.

When mummy called me,

I been burst into tears before I said anything.

When I walking on a street alone,

I been burst into tears irresistibly.

When I taking bus alone,

I been burst into tears all the way 30 minutes.

Now, it's already night time,

when I sitting in front of computer,

I been burst into tears again when seeing facebook even didn't see his photo at all.

I dont really what to do now?

Why the influence of love is so desperately charming as well as scarily sorrowful?

Why am I so love him?

How many sector percentage does he existed in the core love?

Which factor lead me love him till this stage?

My dependant love from him?

Without him I can't really survive?

Or I loved him till I lost of rationality and EQ?

Why he is so pleasing in my deep down?

Well,

its time to stop asking me all these questions,

because I've decided to left all those behind my life.

Honestly,

I don't really know who is the one whom directs this love movie?

Who to blame?

Maybe I am the real one who should blame,

its my fault to accept this relationship,

its my accountability to be responsible to stop this relationship and its my role to stop thinking about him.

Certainly,

I am the one who pleaded guilty in this love relationship,

I ain't suppose to accept him and in love with him in the first stage.

However,

I just told myself

'Today's tears are good for my future, no matter how sad I am, I still have to left him. Because daddy mummy said his business doesnt earns. I listen to them, I dont really want to regret in future from not listening to parents.'