Few days ago,

wy and me had our lovely chatter time on bed,

I lying down on my comfy pillow while she's sitting on my bed and talked to me,

we chit-chat about everything; particularly in travel.

She initiates the topic by saying

'I am not really take money as important, I prefer family more than money. I meant I prefer to be rich also, but not really really rich, as long as I can travel to the places I wanted to go, I'm already satisfied.'

I asked her in a doubting expression

'What do you meant by you are not really rich but you can go wherever places you wanted to go? Wait wait wait, what is your definition of being rich?'

She said

'My rich is.... erm... how to describe??....'

I said

'Okay, for example, let's assume one of our mutual friends as the criteria, so that I can know what kind of richness are you talking about.'

She said

'Ah ah ah! Ok ok ok! Like that will be easier.... ok... I'm talking about which kind of richness leh.... got who we know??....'

I said

'Yt ??'

She said

'No no no!!! Yt that one is too rich already.... she totally no need to plan before she goes somewhere else, i'm not talking about that kind of richness....'

I said

'So, still got who??'

She said

'Ahhh! Emily.... I prefer that kind of richness... if there's lower, middle and upper category, she's a bit more than middle but haven't reach upper class. Can go wherever places that she wants to go, but can't afford if it's a sudden plan, means I want a life that I can afford everything, but have to plan maybe one year earlier. Like she can go Korea, but have to planned it earlier.'

I laughed and said

'hahaha! How you know she planned it earlier to go Korea?'

She said

'no la, I am describing about her standard la, I dont know how long or how short she planned her korea trip, but I mean I wanted her instagram life, once a week can sit down at a cafe, once a year can go a budget holidays.'

I said

'Ermmmm, actually... I not really really know what kind of family standard she is, I think she is having that sort of life that she can do anything that she wants, but in a budget limit.'

She said

'I thought you really closed with me, you supposed to know her standard.'

I said

'yeah... that's why I'm now roughly telling you her standard, she considered rich, but sometimes when we planned to go more expensive place, she needs to think twice or consider... but she still will go.'

She asked

'what type of cafes you always go with her?'

I said

'I always went normal cafes with her lo, like starbucks or shopping.... once a time we went Shangrila hotel for high tea...'

She asked

'So what kind of places does she perceives as expensive?'

I said

'Erm.... for her ah... I think she will think roughly simply fish as expensive....'

She asked

'For what example she considered that as expensive?'

I said

'For example we are thinking a choice to have lunch, then I said whether simply fish or ramada lunch buffet... both are around RM 20 plus per person... but she will say omg Clar! Since when you become like that.... then she recommended eggxtra... that time is my second time to entered eggxtra with her... but the first time I went with my mum and I'm not paying so I not really know the price...'

She said

'Oh eggxtra I know! Last time before we both fly to Australia, I also wanna treated you eggxtra one, because that time I already used up all my money to Australia, so I wanna find a more budget place to treat you but you said you got no time...'

I said

'Eggxtra is about below RM10 per meal lo... last time I ordered a breakfast set... only RM 7.90... but the place is quite okay...'

She said

'Oh then I roughly know her standard already... I think her standard is same like my family.... my standard also roughly like that, I can afford RM20 plus per meal... but not everyday... normal meal is around below Rm10....'

I said

'I think maybe is because the difference of our family culture...  like my family used to having Wazen japanese cuisine every week, so it's about RM400 per family, let say include my brother in law, 8 persons, so each person is about RM50... so I will think RM 20 plus meal is normal... and roughly above RM50 per meal considered expensive.... my standard is if I eat outside alone in Malaysia, not that kind of enjoy eating one la, just normal fill up my stomach one is about RM 20 plus...  like secret recipe one pasta RM15.90 plus one drinks about RM8.90, so its about RM26.... and once awhile I went up to KL, I will eat japanese cuisine buffet or japanese restaurant about RM 89.90 per meal... but that is also once every time I came back Malaysia....'

She said

'Ya la, everyone got different family standard... in your family, your lifestyle consider frugal in a luxury family, because your dad earns maybe let say RM 100,000 a month, but you never say eat few hundreds ringgit per meal... so RM 20 plus for you is consider reasonable... but you know, my mum is a teacher and my dad is a normal business distributor, his salary is not fix one... so my family income impossible more than Rm 10,000 a month. So I can't always eat Rm 20 plus everyday, maybe once a month.'

I said

'And I not really know yt family standard.... I ask my father what her father is?? My father just told me her father is a civil engineer... and now built a bit of houses... so I thought her family so-so only??...'

She said

'Eh civil engineer very rich one leh... you know ang say wei father? His father also civil engineer....'

I said

"Asw father rich meh?? I heard datin said so-so only....'

She said

'Rich la, a lot people also know asw father very rich one... since last time secondary school everyoone also know one... you know he same age with us only already drive Pigeot already... some more his house is banglo and got a lot of other luxury cars...'

I said

'haha! I always dont think he is rich... because datin knew his father one... but chloe also told me before he very rich... she told me asw went dubai alone for one month??'

She said

'Anah! You dont know meh? He never follows him in instagram?'

I said

'Got ... but I never see those dubai photos... I got follow him, but I never really scroll down his photos...'

She said

'Dubai very expensive one you know?? Dubai is Arab... you know Michelle went Dubai, she said the hotel one night RM 650 per night....'

I said

'Why michelle can simply spent so much money? But in my impression, last time I heard chloe said they got one gang, michelle, wan fern, yi ting and jaqueline, she said the poorest among the gang is michelle, why she still can spent like rich people one?'

She said

'Anah! You dont know meh?? A lot people also know she very poor one, but her bf supports her financially.... and I went her house before, her house is that type of poor wooden shack only... very very poor one...'

I said

'What her parents doing?'

She said

'Mother is a primary school teacher at Yok Bin, father I dont know.... walao! Everyone of us also know she got a very luxury life because of her bf... you know her medical fee all her bf supported?'

I said

'ya ya! I heard before... I heard chloe said... chloe also told me she came from a very poor family, but she didn't tell me how's her house and what her parents working... where's her house?'

She said

'Somewhere around emily house there, hard to tell you, when you come back malaysia I show you la...'

I said

'Ok ok ok... eh I tell you, when back to the point that we talked about richness just now, hahaha! Just now, I also just discussed about which rich which poor with my friend just now... I saw her instagram first picture, and clicked in her friend's instagram page, then I guessed which rich which poor is her friend... hahaha very funny! Dont know why all the pictures I seen as poor, but she said rich... Dont know is my perception problem, or her perception problem

She said

'where where where? Show me....'

I showed  her and said

'Ok... the first one... this... you will perceived as rich or poor? Three pictures... with one construction picture as first picture....'

She glanced about 4-5 seconds,

she shook her head and said

"I think look like no money lo....'

I laughed and said

'hahaha! Ya lo I also said look like no money, then she said this person comes from a wealthy family but not sure what her father working.... then this second person profile... you look like rich or poor...'

She read the name and said

'Elaine XXXX, erm... look like average... but not consider rich... means afford to chill out with friends... but if go travel still a bit hard for her...'

when she said like that,

both of us keep laughing!

LOL!

I said

'Why you judged until like that? hahaha! Just say look like average or rich then enough d, why you say a bit hard for her to go travel...'

She said

'hahaa! How I know? You ask me to see whether look poor or rich meh, so I say dont look like poor but definitely not a rich kid.'

I said

'Ya, I also told my friend dont look like rich, but she say her this friend is rich, her father got few houses... but I personally dont think got few property as rich, because hk father also got one row of property... about 5-6 rents property like that... but also not consider rich... need to consider when travel to a further country, or need to consider when buying a car...'

She said

'Oh I know already, I think the problem is neither with you or her, is perception problem, maybe for you, you think like that still not consider rich, maybe for her, she think this person maybe richer than herself, so she will perceive as rich... just like just now how we discussed, I say I think someone is rich when able to travel anywhere that they like but with limit financial constraint, means have to plan it a year before.... oh yeah! You still havent tell me your perception of rich?'

I said

'My thinking of rich is someone can buy anything without financial constraint, means for example, a woman wanted to buy Chanel, she thinks that she still doesnt has Chanel bag, and she wanted one, then she can straight buy it one immediately without previous plan. Means no think think of price tag and can straight purchase something.'

She said

'ya la, there! Its perception problem, means maybe for your friend, she thinks her friends as rich, because she thinks they got a few property or they live a luxury life more than her, maybe she didn't consider the value of the property, so that she can straight away tell you that her friends are rich.'

I said

'Or maybe I think her perception about rich is too universal? haha! Really... I showed you her brother wife insta.... hold on.... nah... she said this as rich....'

She scrolled down and said

'hah! This call rich? I think no lo... I think if really want to say rich, the previous one you showed me is much better than this... one good picture also dont have also consider rich?'

I said

'ya la, when I ask her why you think her as rich? She said because her father is a businessman and she still studying until now and havent work....'

She shook her head and said

'no lo... if really wanted to say someone as rich, this is not consider rich... it just that her family has no financial barrier, so that her family doesnt require her to work to support family, but doesnt mean that she is rich... haha! I think your friend has a vast mindset about rich...'

I said

'yes yes yes! Why you say the same thing as what I told her... I also said that maybe her father is not poor, no need she comes out and work for her family, means her parents can support their ownself... so that this girl is still studying at an older age....'

She said

'hahaha! If you are showing me this three girls as rich criteria, I will say Emily richer than them....'

I said

'ya la! hahaha! Funny! how I know my friend? Everyone also she said rich.... poor say rich, middle class also she say rich, rich also she says rich...'

she said

'Or she comes from a poor family? So she think those who are much better than her family, she perceives them as rich?'

I said

'no, her family is quite ok one...'

She asked

'Your MMU friend?'

I said

'Yes.... my MMU friend...'

She said

'if wanted to say MMU, I think she can be poor or middle class, but definitely not rich... or also maybe her friend graduated from better university, she thinks that as rich?'

I said

'Eh~! Hard to say one... because I got a few friends came from Taylor, they got twinning program, two years in Taylor and two years in Australia, I ask them is everyone who study Taylor consider rich? They said no, most of them are rich, some are middle class, she said because Taylor has a lot scholarship, they ranged from 1A to 10A, so a lot middle class or even lower class students will still study Taylor with getting scholarship, she said half of the tuition waiver are paid by institution....'

she said

'how much is taylor fee per year?'

I said

'My friend said RM 20 plus K.'

She said

'Eh 20 plus K, paid half also need at least RM10 K....'

I said

'Ya la... MMU standard only... that's why they say not everyone who studying in Taylor consider rich....'

She said

'I think people who studying at Taylor got at least middle class family but not poor la, because MMU fee also consider expensive already....'

I said

'What??!!! RM 1K per month also consider expensive?'

She said

'MMU has a diverse range of class.... this is a very true thing... some people think MMU as the expensive school if their parents are government slaves.... if someone who own a small business, they will think MMU as cheap school. Like your ex, if he is in the middle class family, I think his father will think MMU as cheap school lo, because he earns more than RM 10K per month and only paying 1K per month for MMU tuition fee. I mean if la...'

I said

'So MMU consider expensive school already?'

she said

'For me it's expensive la, the perception depends on family income, because my sis is studying in MMU and I am getting scholarship from government, I'm totally receiving a free education, government give me allowance every month, but my dad paying her RM3000 plus a semester, means one month is around 1000 like that.'

I said

'She didn't get PTPTN?'

She said

'yes. About 50 percent like that. So every month my dad is paying about RM500 for her tuition fee.'

I said

'That's super cheap.'

She said

'ya, for your Australia friends... all come from rich family, they will think MMU is nothing, but for me, I think MMU is not cheap... because let say your Australia friend, let say they paying RM 60,000 per year, and MMU only RM 12,000 per year. It's a huge gap, so definitely they have the thinking of your Australia one year tuition fee can afford MMU student complete their bachelor degree. But for lower income family, one month Rm500 or RM1000 for tuition fee is huge amount....'

I said

'It still hard to judge by that way... you know lcl?? she studied at UK....'

LOL!

Wy startled with a big eyes and said

'Lycheee? I dont know!!! I never add her in facebook.... how come she got so much money?? you mean pl daughter??'

I nodded my head and said

'Hmmmm....'

she said

'What her father work as?'

I said

'I dont know... I seen his face before but I can guarantee he is not a boss face. Like that type of normal slave.'

She said

'Or she get scholarship? So that it's cheaper?'

I said

'Eiiiii.... why you said the same thing as my mum?? Last time I told my mum that pl daughter went UK study... and ask her why her mother is a teacher but can go UK study? Then my mum said maybe get scholarship or borrow from government... my mum said as a teacher, got good benefit from government, can get loan easier....'

She said

'Anah anah! If work with government can get loan easier...'

I said

'but I remembered no leh... I think I heard they said before she never take scholarship, her parents money... but I know UK is cheaper lah when compared to US or Australia...'

She said

'I know I know, I heard Sie Ni and Siew lin they all said... UK is the cheapest country when compared to other countries so most of them went UK study... siew lin studied interior design and sie ni study marketing. They said UK one year RM100 K can get already...'

I said

'But 100K is still not a small amount, because long time ago when I'm still walking with hk, he told me his father said as long as someone is not a business owner, impossible got 1 Million.'

She said

'Anah anah! My mum also got told me before... not easy to get 1 Million.'

I said

'Till now I still can't figure out how she went UK study??'

she said

'If you said she never get scholarship and really supported by her own parents one... then I think maybe her parents love her too much and more willing to pay lo... that's the reason... means for example, she only got RM 500,000, but her parents willing to pay that 100 K.'

I said

'but after paid that 100k, her parents not left 400K only?'

she said

'Aiya youngest daughter mah, maybe she think she own self old already, dont have any commitment any more... so just put the investment in her youngest daughter education...'

I said

'ya ya... her son get married already... and her daughter also worked already... left the youngest one...'

she said

'Anah.... so that she just willing to give... maybe she thinks when she old already, just live simply, never go travel, never eat outside, just eat at home and live a frugal life. So yeah!'

I said

'Did I told you that I always went her house?'

She said

'Yes...'

I said

'I went her house since april 2011 and till october 2012 I went Australia for study... during that a whole year plus.... everyday went her house, I never and ever seen they went out for dinner before... means everyday cook at home one... and sometimes when I back to Malaysia, I still went her house maybe 2-3 times per year... no one time I see they eat outside one... means now I went her house in an unpredictable manner, they still having meal at home one...'

Wei Yen said

'Eh my house also like that one leh... everyday eat at home one... if you everyday come my house around 6pm you also can seen we eat dinner at home one.... my mum cooked everyday one...'

I said

'One whole year never go out and eat like pl family?'

She said

'Almost can say like that lo... unless a few times we went out with friends for dinner, but my mum still will cook one... just never cook our portion only...'

I said

'Har!!! Really ah?? hahaha! I dont know!'

She said

'Your family everyday eat outside?'

I said

'Not everyday eat outside, but the frequency of eating outside is about 2-3 times a week, or at least once a week.'

She said

'Because you know? My mum is a teacher, her salary is fix one... when include household expenditure... like car fuel, buy foods in market, water and electricity bills, my brother and sister pocket money, my sis MMU tuition fees, insurance and all that, overall after the expenditure, got left about a few hundred ringgit, but my mum own self also need to save for next time retirement one.... and also save for her own travel and also unexpected medical bills..... so our family also everyday eat at home one.... pl family is not strange though hahaha!'

I said

'no... her family is one whole year eating at home... means every evening I went her house also got at home one... never out for dinner... got a few times they didn't at home, and I saw facebook is that type of GBS annual dinner or prefect dinner... if not she must be at home one...'

She said

'I know! Not strange at all.... because my mum also cooked everyday... So I think that's not strange... maybe you're too rich, so you perceive normal family as weird.... different family culture mah...'

I said

'And every night I went her house, they one family kumpul at living room, watching TV.... few persons sharing one TV.... like one house only got one TV like that... wont very weird meh??'

When I said that,

WY even laughed till burst into tears!!!

LOL!!!

I asked her seriously

'Why?? stop crying.... what happened??'

She said

'You... you... hahaha! You said until like that very funny!!!'

I said

'Why? What funny?? I am just telling you her house one family watch TV together only, then you laugh till like that...'

She rubbed off her tears and said

'Hahahaha!!! Too funny already... maybe okay... when your birthday party, I went your house I also very surprised that your house big until, every wall corner also got one TV... your sis room one tv, your guest bedroom one tv, and outside your younger brother room one TV, and in your eldest brother room one TV, your parents room one TV and the place we cut cake there one TV... so it's normal for you to feel weird one family has one TV.... but you have to accept that as a normal criteria, one house only got one TV.... You really dont know one house normally got one TV?'

I said

'I really dont know... because when I went my friend's houses, sometimes overstayed their house, most of the houses also got at least 3-4 TV at homes.... like chin yean you know? I went her house since form 2 until now when she got go back malaysia, at pay fong there... her house downstairs got 2 and upstairs got 2... and evelyn, the curly hair one you know? I went her house overnight at puchong, she is the only child in the family, means one family 3 persons only also got 2 TV at home.... Chloe house I still haven't been there before so I dont know... in my perception is most people house at least got 2-4 TVs....'

She shook her head and said

'no... usually one home one TV one... maybe the friends you contacted are more in supreme kind of richness, so you will say their house got more than 1 TV.... even my friends who are rich also their house one house one TV only... and mostly locate in the living room.... because that is where the TV place it.... and hahaha! You should know houses which got more than 1 TV consider extraordinary, and houses which got only 1 TV consider ordinary....'

I said

'Ya meh?? I dont know... I just feel their family lifestyle very weird... why everyone have to squeeze at one place? Dont feel very crowd everyone watching the same TV?'

She said

'My home also like that one leh, after dinner time, all of us will watch TV together... because my house only got one TV... sometimes when I need to study just study lo, but the rest will still watch TV and talk about the movies stories....'

I said

'ohhhh... I dont know... I just feel very weird when seeing their family lifestyle...'

She laughed and said

'From what you described about pl family lifestyle, I think that's the most normal family lifestyle in the society, sure like that one... some even worst one, their children need to work as slave, selling foods at the food court.... or have to work at night... but watching TV together is the most normal lifestyle... dont tell me you never watch TV with your family in your house living room before?'

I said

'really no la....'

She stared at me and said

'Har??!!! means your house got so many TVs and you really never sit down and watch TV with your family before?'

I said

'I dont like to watch movie, so I dont watch movie at home...'

She asked

'Then your other siblings and parents? They also never watch TV together one?'

I said

'No....'

She said

'I think is not pl family lifestyle is weird, is memang you came from an extraordinary lifestyle, like that type of typical rich kid in the movie...'

I said

'I dont know, I never watch movie one.... so I dont know what is the difference between rich family and poor family...'

She said

'Usually in movie, rich family more concern about individual life or poor family has more loving life... like a rich businessman will have own study room ensuite, and the kid will browse internet themselves in the own bedroom, while the poor family, usually gathered themselves in a living room and eating tipbits together while watching TV.'

I said

'My house dont have my father's own study room ensuite, but our family lifestyle is everyone stay in own bedroom doing own things, and my father will watch TV news in his bedroom. For me, I never watch movie one, so I will browsed internet and read google, or else facebook chat with friends, decide where to go, or do my own assignments.... So my lifestyle in malaysia home is besides than having meal in the dining room, i'm totally inside my own bedroom or outside the house.'

She said 

'Ya lo ya lo, can observed that you got more social life, like everyday got new pictures one, either go travel or go cafe with your friends.... like normal people will posted pictures in instagram about own house pictures, like what we eat at home, or what we doing at home, maybe a picture of Television or own bed, and writing caption such as finally go to bed and so on... but yours pictures are all outside your home.'

I said

'Because I rarely got home life, my life is all about outside the home, so I rarely post my home life pictures... got also that day birthday party only... haha!~'

She said

'I think you live an extraordinary lifestyle so that you will think normal lifestyle is weird for you, like pl lifestyle, watching TV altogether every night and having dinner every night at home are very normal, if you dont believe, when you go her house there, you try to observe her neighbors or houses around her area, see whether other families got watch TV at night or not....'

I said

'ya lo, I got observed that, her right neighbour also like that one... every night sure can seen the TV screen is on, even their curtains are covered up, but still can seen the TV screen. But i dont know about other houses, never notice, but I know her neighbour also everyday watch TV together one....'

she said

'ya la... almost all houses are like that... I think you didn't have neighbours before so you dont know about this!!! Hahaa! Rich until one level that perceived watching TV together as weird...'

I said

'No, when I was young, before I moved into this house, I got neighbour one... I stay at Bukit Seburkor last time, but my both sides neighbours are banglo house, so I can't see where is their TV... means pn lye house is that type of residential house, you can obviously see the TV in a very near distance, but last time my neighbours are banglo lots, they got a yard and carpark infront of their house, then their property are covered by the wall... means the TV is in the house one, can't really seen if you stand at the road...'

she said

'hahaha!!! I know what you are describing, means last time your neighbours house are bigger one la, like that type of ordinary banglo la....'

I said

'Yes... and last time we live our own life and never talk with neighbours one... so I really dont know watch tv together in a living room is normal.'

she said

'That's the most ordinary lifestyle ok? Almost everyone did that. But hahaha!!! Just now when you asked me like that in a serious manner, I really laughed until cried.... because you said pn lye family always everyone kumpul at the living room and watch TV together, like one house one tv like that... but memang 80% of the house only got 1 TV per family.... now I really can grasp how you grown up in a rich family already, sampai 1 TV in one family, you perceive as strange....'

After Wy said like that,

I really have some sort of self-reflection,

I'm thinking that whether how rich is rich and how normal considered normal?

I went google searched and asked

'How rich is rich?'

And google article really deeply clarified and analyzed what richness is,

and now only I came to the final realization that richness is defined by individual rather than the real world.

http://www.cnbc.com/id/100904381#.

Everyone has their own definition of "wealthy." Some say it's $1 million, others say $100 million. Some say it means making more than your brother-in-law. Others say it means not having to work or having strong relationships with family and friends.

But a new survey from UBS shows that most investors say "wealthy" means $5 million—with at least $1 million of that in cold, hard cash.

The UBS Investor Watch asked 4,450 investors if they consider themselves wealthy. Fully 60 percent of those worth $5 million or more said they're wealthy, while only 28 percent of those worth $1 million to $5 million said they were wealthy (those were the only two categories given).

(Read more: Top 1% control 39% of world's wealth)

Half of the respondents said that, more broadly, being wealthy means having "no financial constraints on activities." Only 16 percent said it meant "surpassing a certain asset threshold" and 10 percent said it means "not having to work again."Yet being wealthy doesn't just mean having millions in investments or assets. It means having plenty of cash on hand to handle any expense. Driven by the bad memories of the crisis, when many of the so-called wealthy were caught short of cash, investors currently have an average of 23 percent of their overall asset allocation in cash or equivalents. That's the highest number since at least 2010.

(Read more: We're rich again! We just can't feel it)

And they don't plan to draw down their cash anytime soon. About two-thirds of investors feel they have the right amount of cash. As long as they take risk with some of their money in equities, they want a large pile of cash to balance the risk.

"Current investor asset allocations tend toward the 'barbell' approach," UBS said in the study, "with more cash than the industry would typically recommend but also sizable equity holdings."

Among the top reasons to keep cash were to cover emergencies, to "give me peace of mind" and to "make large purchases without selling assets."

2010... 2011... 2012... 2013... 2014...

Five years had drifted by the accumulation of tears,

the feeling of adding on candles wasn't good.

There are edges around the black and every now and then a flash of color streaks out of the gray.

But I can never exactly grasp any of the slivers of memories that emerge.

There was uncountable pain in those hits and strikes,

there was so much hurt and so much fear in it.

I knew, tears rolling down the both of our faces.

We are the conspirators whom both wanted to smother out that pain and hurts that we caused,

to not have so many terrible things in the all too recent past,

to just be ordinary to live life at least peacefully,

to do that types of things we were supposed to be dealing with besides than death and disability.

Nonetheless, when we are depressed,

we are literally being reminded of others suffering only serves to enhance our self-hatred.

Trauma really scares me though, 

because I have had to wear the fearless mask every day like I do.

What happens when I run out of it?

Yeap! Sherryn had blurt out the right thing,

she said I'm still afraid of her,

and I acknowledged I'm still afraid of her in a certain way,

perhaps in an average level of fearfulness?

Indeed,

I loathe her from a significant perspectives,

I am doubting whether I will forget what she looked like in future?

I must start storing her pictures now.

What it looked like when the sun reflected on her hair? Does it look blacks or silver?

The way she talked always sounds like her?

Will my memory of her run out too?

I think this is something that technically I wouldn't need to worry,

here I go! The nerve's blog here to keep her everything from the oldest to the latest.

I know, no matter how, I still gotta stop hating her,

holding a tall glass of warm milk wouldn't be able to solve the solution and

pondering would not drives me to the end of sadness too.

I wanted to yell as I sitting on bed here, my toes hanging over the horizontal edge of bed.

I wanted to let a gut-wrenching howl rip from my disfigured throat toward those clouded skies; the wall of my heart is vibrating hardly now, I really need to pour out my heart loudly.

I need lotta beach time, travel time and spa time to get rid my extreme inner suffering.

Schizophrenic mood hunted me all nights, thus I never had chance to stop afraid before I fallen asleep,

being schizoid alone at home is the most scary thing in the world,

as craziness is far more scary than a pure mental illness.

When schizoid happens,

I feel nothing went wrong but my own deep hurts inside.

I guess I shall take the plane to the quietest country anyway.

#richisgood, I need more breathtaking views to fade off my inner fears.

Well, 

the hurt wasn't really bad though,

I just wanna maintained the life which I having now; in the midst of pain but luxurious.

My simple remark is I wish I could manage to ride out the storm.

I have this mindset because my godmother inspired me about this,

she proclaims her wisdom

'Since you can't forget the past and hurts, you just dont forget about it. Since now wasn't that bad as past right? Like that should be enough since life is always imperfect....'

"But if you start at the low income level, then it’s difficult to move up the socio-economic ladder because of the perception.”

Just a moment ago,

I gotten this statement from my environmental politics textbook,

the definition is 'spectacular' indeed and it's spectacularly harsh.

I'm totally stunned when I read this,

it's because I recalled of my friend told me the exactly same example of her when I read this,

it's quite an impressive but a harsh reality.

She told me that everyone know her family background, not a poor family but not an impressive family,

then when people knew she comes Australia,

everyone was so shocked, teased her at the back and front.

She cried and told me that she spent such a lot of money,

but what she gotten is this kinda outcome.

Some of my friends asked me too,

two of my friends straight forwardly asked me

'Hey, XXX XXX not poor one meh? why she would go Australia finds you one?'

I think this is the definition of the statement above...

Yup! Reality is harsh sometimes,

another example,

vividly recalled when I told mommy pl went UK,

her response was startled,

her first response was asking me she went there for what rather than assuming for holidays purposes.

When mentioned of a position of teacher,

it reminds me of how sad is XXX XXX,

I feel like I'm gonna cried out now due to her pity.

I feel that she's really really pity,

one night, she came in my room and cried uncontrollably in front of me,

she cried and said

'Do you think study education is what I wanted? Not I want, is because I have no choice, my family have no money to afford me in further education. So what I can do is just rely my allowances to study what God given to me. I wanna study pharmacy but my parents said pharmacy is too expensive, dont have that capital to let me study.'

I keep quiet and asked her

'What's wrong with education? Why you dont like it?'

She streamed her tears down; looked at me desperately and said

'You know? I gotten full A's and I become a teacher, everyone keep asking me and told me that I shouldn't wasted my future. To be frankly, do you feel so?'

I frankly told her

'Yeah, I think that way in heart but never say out.'

When I said that, LOL!

She suddenly laughed while flowing heavy tears,

she flapped my arm; rubbing her tears and said

'Haha! You ahhhh!'

I said

'Ya la, you ask me tell you frankly mah, I really think that way in heart but I darent ask you because I scared it will hurt you. So I ask my father.'

She laughed even loudly and said

'Hahaha! How you asked your father and what your father answer you?' 

I said

'In the first place, I ask him: Pa! I got one friend really weird, she got full A's in her SPM, but why she go and study education?''

She said

'then?'

I said

'Then my father said some people dont have money to study doctor because study medical are expensive, then just no choice, can study what just study what.'

She said

'Ah nah ah nah! Eh why your father so clever one? Because my family no money, I want study pharmacy, so my parents just say got what then study what... since JPA scholarship is free.'

I said

'Then okay la, education income quite stable also, and no business risk also, unless you own self drug addict la.'

She still can't stop crying all the way and said

'You know? I study education is like everyone look down at me, everyone have the perceptions that teacher is a low position career, like no future like that....'

I said

'It cant say that becoming a teacher has no future, but what I can say is era change already. Now is 21st era, everyone trying to climb towards ladder of technology, while education path is more towards conventional path. You know? Long time ago, people assumed teacher like doctor like that.'

She cried and said

'Would you have a perceptual impression that teacher's kids are poor? You know... you know.... you know.... all my friends think I'm poor because they know my mum is teacher then look down me when they know I come australia... would you?? frankly telling me la... I just wanna know your perspective only....'

I said

'Erm for me ah... from my perspective, I think kinda lo.... because I have quite many friends parents, they are teachers kids... none of them are rich... and also last time primary school pay teck, I never see any big cars and when I standard 6 study pay fong 3, whole school also small car only... then until when I was secondary school, besides than datin a big car in school, the rest also small cars... so more or less I got that impression lo... But it still hard to say, like although chloe mum is a teacher, but she has a wealthy family because her father is a lecturer, she graduated until now and never find job also not a problem.'

She said

'Oh.... Then what your dad suggest some more?'

I said

'No la, I just feel weird why you study education only when I know you got full As... but I darent ask you, so I just ask my father....'

She said

'Ya lo... super a lot people ask me... ask till I cried every night.'

I said

'If I ask you the this question, I'm number what person who ask you?'

She said

'About number 20 like that.'

When she said that,

I can't stop laughing and said

'Hahahaha! Really?? So funny!! Got so many meh?'

She laughed while crying and said

'Really lah... hahahaha! And half of them still told me I am wasted and some like warn me some more, ask me dont regret in one day. Eh! You still haven't tell me what your father said some more...'

I said

'He just said study what doesnt mean becomes what, he said if you wanna change your life direction, you can make business anytime. Then I ask him study education can make business one meh? He said can....'

She said

'Ya la, can sure can lah, but how I got money go and do business?'

I said

'So whats your plan later?'

She said

'No choice lo, I will just become teacher only.'

I said

'Dont sad lah, why you keep on look so sad? Become teacher also not bad mah, at least better than those promoter and cleaners.'

She said

'The fact is everyone classified teachers as promoter and cleaners standard, like more than them a bit only....'

I said

'Their heads la, teachers also got 4-5 k per year if you get into senior rank.... It still depends on what kind of life you want, if you wanna every year come Australia once or twice like now sure dont have la, but if you plan properly where you wanna go, then that should no problem at all.'

That time, she had already stopped crying,

she asked me 

'Eh, to be honest la, you personally think that teacher as low salary type or high salary type?'

I answered her

'Personally, I almost surveyed all the salary reports in the world like Malaysia, Australia, America, China and Taiwan. Regarding teacher in Malaysia, you won't need to worry that you have nothing to eat, but if compared to positions like chief financial officer or chartered financial analyst, teacher is really lag behind. The difference of annual salary is between RM 48,000 and RM 840,000. So yeah! but education is still an essential role. Imagine that everyone think of avoid to become a teacher, then who is going to educate those future economics generator? So god is fair, like sapu lantai, if there's no one sweeps the floor in the world, then the world would be having world end.'

She sounds more okay at that time,

she said

'Ya la... sometimes this type of thing is fate one... like you, your dad is rich, your future is abundant because you can study till very high, but I got no money, just can study whatever God given me.'

I said

'But still, 50% of fate still depends on how you change your life direction. Perhaps, god give you an education path, but maybe you can earn more money as a biology teacher or a special education teacher. Do you know these two have the highest salaries? Biology teacher just like a theoretical doctor, they earns $33,500 per month know? and special education teacher also very high salary one you know? You know Joel's mother?'

She said

'Ah know!! Eh Joel very rich one leh, I know her father is doctor but I dont know her mother is special education teacher.'

I said

'Ya la, that's why he's freaking rich, his mum is a special education teacher, is like doctor salary one....'

She said

'I know la, almost everyone who study education also know special education teacher earns super a lot, I also think of becoming that, but my mom told me not.'

I asked 

'Eh got money leh! Why not? Better than government teacher one month only 4 to 5k.'

She said

'My mum said because education path very pantang to become special education teacher, they say if you everyday deal with that kind of retarded kids, the child you give birth also will become that type one...'

I said

'Superstitious lah! Where got like this one? Everyone also say people who sell casket very pantang, but they also earns the most....'

She said

'Eh really, really got like that one. You know my mum said she got a friend who is special education teacher, in the first place, her family ask her not to be, but she dont listen, she also think money comes first, then after around 6 years she becoming, she gave birth then first child, the first child is autistic one because she everyday deals with autistic.'

I said

'Or is coincidence one?'

She said

'No, they said really got that kind of thing one.  My mum said because her family memang dont have that type of genes one. Is because she dont listen and after that became like that one. So my mum ask me not to be. But I got friend who get into special education field, very hard one you know? I never take that subject, but I see they learned very hard, need to learn a lot of body languages one you know? They said study until siao one... very very hard one because a lot of things to remember.'

I said

'I know la, like that kind of TV news... got a small box at the bottom corner one... for deaf to understand one....'

She point onto her left forehead and said

'Eh you know Joel's brother got that one or not?'

I said

'Know la.... I quite close with him one.....'

She said

'Ya la, you not say his mom teach special education one? You see his son also got like that one....'

I said

'Personally, I dont think hyperactive as a defect. But his ear got some defect only, that's deformation during the foetus stage....'

She said

'Anah! No matter how more or less sure will affect one... that's why my mum dont let I go into that path....'

At the end,

she asked me a question,

she said

'Eh! You personally think family or money is more important for you?'

I pondered for a few seconds and said

'Ermmmm, I think I will chose money as the more important one. What about you?'

She said

'I think family is more important... dont u think family will leave you anytime?'

I said

'I think without money, we can't even survive. That's the poorest thing in the world that the feeling is worst than we lost a family, I mean all people come and go, people live and death, that's the natural phenomenon in the world.'

She said

'You know? My father rang me every night and talked to me even I'm studying in Kelantan, imagine one day he stops ringing me, I will feel very disappointed, I rather lost my money to get this feeling.'

I said

'Awwww.... I see... maybe we have different family culture, so it's a bit hard for me to grasp your situation.'

She asked

'Your family culture is told you money is more important than family?'

I said

'No la, my parents never say that la, but is a kind of family culture hinting me. For example, my mum will keep preferring me to work in Australia because it makes more money, but she never says you come back and work la, so it's that kind of meaning la.'

She said

'Ohhhh I understand what you meant now, ya I think maybe is family culture, let say if you mated an international partner, would your parents let you go with that guy if he's not in malaysia?'

I said

'Yes, why not? As long as they are rich and capable to afford my life, my parents are fine.'

She said

'har! My parents dont let I get married with others nationality one....'

I said

'Why?'

She said

'Because my parents want me to work in Malacca.'

I said

'Ohhhh I still think money is more important than family. Because we can't survive without money, it's hard to not to eat.'

She said

'NO la, the standard I refer is average family background la, let say if you have enough of money to survive, will you choose to have more money or think family is more important?'

I said

'Anyway, I still will think money is more important, as more as possible, my demand in family is as long as it's not a broken family or divorce family, it's already more than enough.'

She asked

'Ya also true! As long as its not a broken family, its already more than enough. You're also quite easy to feel contented.'

I said

'Yeah, so I think as long as I got a concrete family, I already contented in the family perspective, then earn as more money as possible to do whatever things I like, such as go travel, eat anythings that I like without looking at the price, buy anythings that I like without think twice.'

She said

'I dont too centralize money because maybe I dont have rich family as you, so I dont know that kind of environment you have. I just feel like now I'm happy enough with my family and not really wanted money so much, you know? My father phoned me everyday since I went Kelantan study, he phoned me like that for years, and even closed up the room door and talked, untill my mum said I'm like my father's girlfriend like that, why need to everyday talk and some more need to close up the bedroom door?'

I asked

'Got so many things to say meh? When he phoned you what he asked?'

She said

'He asked me just now what I ate, what I doing in school just now, and I assumed my father as my best friend like that, whatever happen in school, I just told him straight away one. You? Your father called you how many times a day?'

When I heard she asked that in a serious face,

I even laughed out loudly!

LOL!

She asked again

'Your father called you how many times averagely?'

I showed my my hand and response her

'Today is your first week staying at my home, did you heard my dad calling me?'

The most funny thing,

she even look scared; covered her mouth immediately and said

'Eh! Ya hor! Never heard before....'

I said

'Yeah... so... that's why I said that's family culture... maybe I can't feel the feeling you described because I have never experience before, so for me, money is more important, because I always heard my father discussed to my brother how how how to earn money or how to do the right technique in business, while my mum always keen in rich relationship, means if our partners are poor she will more probably dislikes or rejects. I know that's good for us because every mothers worry about own children. But, I think that's the culture in our family.'

She asked me specifically

'So what is your expectation in your family relationship?'

I said

'As long as I dont want a broken family, everyone are still survive, that's already enough for me.'

She even laughed and said

'ha! Just like that?'

I said

'To be frankly, I really dont know what you mean by more family relationship? Aren't that having a completely unbroken family is perfect?'

She said

'Ya la, my meaning is more than unbroken family, a very very loving family.'

LOL! I asked her

'Wait, how loving is your loving?'

She said

'like now.'

I said

'Even it's loving, if your family having financial issues, I think unhappiness will establish too. So money is still more important than family.'

She said

'No la. I mean the money I expect is more than average.'

I said

'I thought you said choose one between family or money? More than average is consider rich. What is your extent of being average?'

She said

'My average means erm... how to describe that financial situation leh.... let me think about it....'

I said

'Okay... for example.... like yi ting family?? or... (havent say finish)...."

She straight cut my conversation and said

'No! Yi ting is too rich... got other example?'

I said

'Emily?'

She said

'Ah! Like Emily like that I already contented. A little bit over than being average. Means can't straight get the things I want, but afford to go holidays after one year planning.'

LOL! I laughed and said

'Hahaha! Why you underestimated Emily until like that? After one year planning only go holiday? Hahaha! And how you know she planned one year and go holidays?'

She said

'No la, I raised one example of what I expected lah, I dont need to be really really rich like Yi ting.... but can fulfill my wish after a certain effort....'

I said

'The fact is every rich people planned holidays too. Just like I plan the places I wanna go too.'

Funny! She said

'For your case, you plan the places u wanna go only instead of plan the financial budget, so your family situation consider super duper rich already. Can fight with yi ting standard.'

I said

'How u know yi ting is also unplanned type one?'

She said

'ya la, that day your birthday, she straight came to me and said, eh! I think you better go melbourne and sydney lo, if you only go Adelaide, the money you spent is not worthwhile, she just think of the places she wanna go only, but never think of money that side one. Like for poor people, sure people think of how location affect budget and so on, but she just think of where she wanna go only. No difference as you haha!'

I laughed and said

'Hahaha! Ya la, she is like that one, like the things she wanna eat, she never think of price one, she just think of eh we go la, that's place is new, go try la.... or go somewhere else she never go before... then keep asking people to go....'

She laughed and said

'Hahaha ya lo ya lo, when she talked to me, I also got that feeling, she just sounds like keep asking people to go, but didn't think so much one...'

I said

'Ya, rich people usually like this one... my friends in australia all like that one... and can say most of them, among 10, nine are unplanned. Like XXX, I ask him wanna go sydney on 17th january with me or not for Master course registration.... he straight told me ok ah... january I go melbourne, gold coast, tasmania, brisbane. I'm so shocked he said like that. Like straight answer okay and never ask mum or dad one.'

She said

'Ya la.... this is fact lo... it cannot denied that money can buys happiness, but buy in another perspectives... I think that's the way rich kids find happiness, like you, that time, I wanna go America, then just fly like that only.... hahaha! I remembered you showed me the beautiful pictures at America and told me you're google check, then after few days you told me you bought flight ticket already. I also very surprised, how u got America visa and money?? So god is fair lo, everyone got different kind of happiness, you dont have that kind of family love one but I got, I dont have money to travel the places I wanna travel, but you have. So that's life.'