Clarissa Ngoh. Powered by Blogger.

LOL!
Just a moment ago,
I just submitted my sociology assignment,
to briefly introduce,
sociology is a course which mainly indoctrinate us about the contents of politics and economics of society,
but inevitably,
you'll find the course content is ironically realistic if you're not used to reading it.
However,
don't blame I'm realistic at times,
because the statement of theory mentioned that

"It is not the consciousness of men that determines their existence, but their social existence that determines their consciousness."


Below is my weekly interactive assignment for week three...


Name: Clarissa, Huay Ching Ngoh

ID: 110108911

Question 4: Complete the following: ‘… I found this statement in my reading about Marx and I was fascinated by it …’

"It is not the consciousness of men that determines their existence, but their social existence that determines their consciousness." I found this statement in my reading about Marx and I was fascinated by it although it's slightly ironically realistic. In term of social production, people have had access into definite relations, which are unrelated to their will, namely relations of production appropriate to a certain stage in the development of their material forces of production. The sum of these relations of production built up the economic structure of society, the real building block, on which emerges a legal and political superstructure and to which meet the clear forms of social consciousness. The production mode of materialism influences the common processes of social, political and intellectual life.

Generally speaking, when people reach a significant extent of materialistic life, we will realize that social existence is a sole factor which stimulates our consciousness instead of consciousness stimulates our existence. In a real life instance, when people move to a societal boundary which all of us live in capitalism, people will try to understand the world in which they live, they contemplate on money such as who has it, how is it acquire and how to spend it worthily. Likewise, people fixate on commodities particularly branded good, trying to grasp how economics serves as a matter to influence us to purchase a product and so on. Technically, we never realized that the act of fetish or materialism is actually top class people exploiting lower class people because we did not witness the facts about economics and society. In most of our days, we only think of the market value of a branded goods or its affordable price. But this monetary value had inevitably led to exploitative economic relationship between factory owners and the workers who produce the goods. 




Yet,
I had fully understood this theory practically when I reflected about the conversation between Sara and me in a month ago.
I told Sara 
'High tea in Hilton hotel is really good, I been went there with my friends for a couple of times. If we have time, we can go there if you like high tea culture.'
She said
'You always went hilton hotel for high tea? Hilton lounge?'
I said
'yes, Hilton lounge, why?'
She said
'Mahesh is working in the kitchen, he washed plates in Hilton hotel. And, you always went there for high tea and made him washed stacks of plates. Hahaha! You paid money to pay his labour.'


I think of this situation when I reading the theory,
I think it's so true,
actually I am kinda exploit the people from lower class,
thus since today onward,
I'll try to reduce frequency of high tea.








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25 Reasons Why You Should Break Up With Your Boyfriend by Ijeleigbo(m): 7:39pm On Jan 21, 2013
Here is a list of reasons for you to break up with
your boyfriend:

1. The most common reason to break up with your
boyfriend would be to catch him cheating on you
with another person. Irrespective of what reason he
uses to justify his behavior, it should not be
pardoned because nothing can be worse than a
partner who has been caught cheating you.

2. If you have ever dated anyone while dating him
or had a one night stand that qualifies as cheating
and you should break up with him and set him
free.

3. At times, relationships just faze out and when
they do, it’s time to move on. It doesn’t involve any
blame game or bad feelings. If you feel your
relationship has ‘fazed’ out, you should break up
with your guy.

4. Another reason would be if you or your partner
suddenly develops feelings for another person. A lot
of relationships have succumbed to this hard reality
of life but when things are over, they really are and
there is nothing anyone can do to change or
influence someone’s love for another person. In
fact, there isn’t much point to be in a relationship
with someone who isn’t in love with you.
Irrespective of whether it’s you who has developed
strong feelings for another person or your
partner,it’s better to end the relationship.

5. A key element that keeps a relationship going is
understanding and without understanding, a
relationship loses its charm. If that’s the case, you
should break it off with him.

6. If both of you are polar opposites and both of
you aren’t willing to do your share at compromising
with each other, then you should end the
relationship.

7. A long distance relationship can become a
source of worry rather than comfort. Some people
are just not meant to be in a long distance
relationship. Instead of being faithful to their
partners, they end up cheating on them while their
partners go away for long durations and there isn’t
much point in ending things in a bad way when
you know yourself well enough to have a cordial
mutual break up in advance.

8. If you are a career woman and your deadlines
are more important than your anniversaries, you
should break it up with him before things get
messier!

9. You should break up with him if he has hurt you
in any way. There is no point in being in a
relationship with someone who has broken your
trust or made you feel very bad about something.

10. Every relationship needs a certain amount of
kindness, compassion and compatibility but if you
have been fighting little power struggles with him
at all times, you should give up on the relationship

11. A lot of women can’t tolerate lying and if your
guy has been a constant liar, you should end it
with him now than to face more serious issues due
to his compulsive lying in the future.

12. A common reason these days for break ups is
the lack of career prospective. Many women who
want to see a future with a man will look for
someone with a bright career and at times, when
things don’t exactly work the way they had
planned, instead of supporting their boyfriends,
they go away to look for new ones. If you are a
materialistic woman and your boyfriend’s career
doesn’t look that bright, you should end the
current relationship.

13. If both of you have different demands from life
itself, break up with him right now and live your
individual dreams. That’s a lot better than missing
out on your dreams due to someone or something.

14. If your boyfriend is a commitment phobic and
you are not, you should end things with him right
away instead of waiting for a couple more years
before you realize that your relationship will not end
in marriage. It can save you a lot of hurt!

15. Your friends should always receive top priority
and if your friends say that he isn’t worth it, then
you should believe them and leave him. They are
your friends so they will do what’s best for you.

16. Every guy might not be very comfortable with
the idea of taking care of someone’s children, even
if they are yours. Make sure your boyfriend likes
your kids (if you have any) because if he doesn’t,
you should break up with him.

17. Every girlfriend needs emotional intimacy as
much as a boyfriend needs physical intimacy and if
he’s not giving it now, chances are he never will so
you should end it with him.

18. You should break up with your boyfriend if he
has a gambling, alcohol or drug problem. Most of
the times, people who are addicted end up
destroying the lives of everyone attached to them
along with their own so it’s always better to stay
away from a relationship with someone like this.

19. If you think that his parents don’t like you and
if he’s a mama’s boy, you should leave him before
he leaves you!

20. If your guy values money more than you and
he’s fine with cancelling a date just to save some
bucks, you should end it with him because he
certainly loves money more than he loves your
happiness.

21. Many people don’t realise this but they might
still be in love with their ex boyfriends. If you are
one of them, then you shouldn’t stay with this guy
and give him false happiness.

22. There is no logic in being with a guy unless he
can give you a lot of happiness and treat you like a
princess. If you spend most of your time in your
room crying or feeling bad about yourself because
of him, you should dump him and try to find your
happiness first. Relationships are meant to keep
people happy and if yours isn’t, then it’s not worth
it.

23. If you feel that you are putting in more time or
efforts to maintain the relationship than your
boyfriend, you should end it right there and pack
your bags.

24. Some men have a tendency to make their
female counterparts feel less worthy and if your
man is one of them, you should let him go and find
someone who treats you as an equal.

25. If your boyfriend abuses you physically,verbally
or both, you should leave him immediately. Being
in such a relationship is not only psychologically
and physically harmful but it can also have serious
repercussions in the long run. Irrespective of your
reason for being in a relationship with someone like
that, you should end it with him immediately to
save yourself from further damage.
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Australia ‘most expensive' for overseas students

13 AUGUST 2013 | BY DAVID MATTHEWS
Australia is the most expensive place in the world to study for international students, followed by the United States and the UK, says new research.
Sydney Harbour Bridge
HSBC estimated that the average annual cost of studying in Australia was $38,516 (£24,936) compared with $35,705 in the US and $30,325 in the UK.
Australia has similar tuition fees to the US, at around $25,000, but living costs are higher.
In dramatic contrast, overseas students pay just $635 in tuition and less than $6,000 in living costs in Germany, making it the least expensive place to study out of 13 countries surveyed.
Annual costs were all below $10,000 in Russia, Taiwan, China and Spain.
Malik Sarwar, HSBC’s global head of wealth development, said: “With rising affluence, particularly in developing markets, and an increasingly competitive workplace that demands quality skills and a global outlook, we expect appetite for international education to continue to grow.
“Even though the market for higher education remains segmented and therefore mis-priced at an international level, the cost is going up everywhere as government subsidies are rolled back,” he added.
The fees data is based on the 10 largest universities in each country, while living costs are taken from Global Higher Education Rankings 2010: Affordability and Accessibility in Comparative Perspective, a report by Higher Education Strategy Associates, and HBSC research.
david.matthews@tsleducation.com
CountryAnnual fees (USD)Annual cost of living (USD)Annual total (USD)
Australia25,37513,14038,516
United States25,22610,47935,705
United Kingdom19,29111,03430,325
United Arab Emirates21,3716,00427,375
Canada18,4747,53726,011
Singapore14,8859,36324,248
Hong Kong13,1829,26122,443
Japan6,52212,64219,164
Russia3,1316,3109,441
China3,9834,7838,766
Taiwan3,2704,9878,257
Spain1,0026,0047,006
Germany6355,6506,285
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Why journalism can be a hard profession to master

  • NIC CHRISTENSEN
  • THE AUSTRALIAN
  • APRIL 18, 2012 12:00AM
  • Print
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120418hied
Flint Duxfield, UTS postgraduate journalism student, says his postgrad study was essential to getting a job at the ABC. Picture: News Limited Source: The Australian
FLINT Duxfield is one of a record 800 people enrolled in a postgraduate journalism degree.
Four years ago, the 30-year-old quit his job to pursue journalism through the University of Technology, Sydney's postgraduate program.
"I was working in the non-profit sector and doing a number of media interviews. I realised I would rather be doing the interviewing myself," he said.
Now in the final stage of his masters degree, Duxfield said his postgraduate study was essential to getting his job with the ABC. "I definitely got a lot of technical skills. I also got a better appreciation for the way news is distributed and what is needed in terms of news values," said Duxfield, now the acting executive producer of the South Australian Country Hour.
Alan Knight, head of the Graduate School of Journalism at UTS, said the growth in postgraduate journalism studies, up by 74 per cent since 2001, was driven by many factors.
"Demand is one -- there are a lot of people who want to study journalism and are prepared to pay fees to do so," said Professor Knight.
More than 20 universities offered postgraduate journalism courses, he said. "Universities don't run for profit but every dean at every university is looking for ways to bring in more income. In the case of the humanities, journalism is a good earner."
Universities offering postgraduate courses compete for international and domestic fee-paying students, who are either working journalists seeking higher-level qualification or those with an undergraduate degree wanting to enter the profession. The cost of a masters course ranges from $12,500 to $35,000.
Jenna Price, undergraduate co-ordinator of the UTS journalism major, said she was concerned that most postgraduate programs accepted all comers, bringing the worth of the degrees into question. She said all postgraduate programs should have their admission standards reviewed.
"If you're going to make journalism degrees postgraduate, you must make them at least as selective as the undergraduate degrees," said Ms Price, pointing out that some undergraduate courses compete with fields such as law and medicine for the brightest students.
But Anne Dunn, president of the Journalism Education Association, said applying tougher entry standards could have a negative effect.
"Our market is relatively small, and you would end up with relatively small degrees if you set the bar too high," said Dr Dunn.




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I guessed I might had a good write-up in my Communication and Organization weekly summary 1,
a mixed-up 22 years old girl had slightly poured out her thoughts into assignment.
personal issue had significantly expressed in her assignment,

'Leopard cannot change its spots',

these days this idiom had overused to expressed my anger in blog as well as in text message. 
Once again,
so surprisingly this idiom appeared in my assignment today.
When applying a theory into a corporation's application,
I asserted that it is impossible to change people's attributes because leopard cannot change its spots.
Theorist Frederick Taylor stated that in order to cut cost in an organization,

the best way to attain company's outcome is to recruit employees with best personality instead of implement training course to alter a person's attribute;

even a person try to change their behaviours, at the end they might still failed to change it competely as behaviour is a life-long nature.  
That is why I said leopard cannot change its spots!
Even she think of changed it, but her weakness still express out unconsciously and make me so disappointed.
She just can't behave properly in appropriate setting.

I mean she can, but not in full-time. 


Certainly, nobody is perfect.



* Worries and anxieties had enlaced me for few nights, horrible dark circles floated out notably, flashbacks of harming please go away!


Anyway,
just completed my 1% assignment among the entire course.
My wings feel lighter now, Uni life wasn't bad actually.
The campus ambience is so awesome when compared to Asian uni, 

because it has the unique winter view.





Name: Clarissa, Huay Ching Ngoh

ID: 110108911

Weekly summary 1: Classical Approaches to Organizational Communication




In week 2, we were being lectured about the topic of “Classical Approaches to Organisational Communication”. In this chapter, Taylor’s Theory of scientific management had become the best usage in successful organization. Frederick Taylor (1856-1915) centralized on relationship between manager and workers as well as the administration of the individual at workplace. Based on apprenticeship system, new employees were trained by experienced workers, for an instance, sophisticated managers utilized classical approach which is recruited employees with good personalities because it is much more cost effective to send an employee to behavioural training courses to improve their attributes, and at times, it is impossible to change people’s attributes because leopard cannot change its spots. Thus, it is better to choose a well-rounded individual in an organization. In a brief example, at South West Airlines organization, a top pilot was unemployed due to personality defect such as being rude to a receptionist. Southwest account for technical skills or professionalism is much easier to acquire when compared to interpersonal skills. On the other hand, it is a piece of cake to find someone with job-relevant skills in a film but not someone with right attitudes.


During the tute, we were being assigned to form a group of four and discussed how does the type of organization influences the type of communication it undertakes such as in terms of social, sporting, government, community, work related or university related. As my personal experience as a full time University student, I involved in debating association during my fundamental year and serves as an adjudicator in Malaysia Debate Open, I get to distinguished the way they communicate differently in the Voices organization, there were parties of ‘Opening Oppositions’, ‘Opening Government’, ‘Closing Government’ and ‘Closing Opposition’, all individuals have their own ideas through the way they voice out their piece of minds. At the end of the tute, another organization-related article was shown in the class, which is “Prime Minister Tony Abbott planning US-style high schools in Australia”, this news value demonstrated the way educators communicate with children change education in all perspectives. In overall, all these require time to implement and obtain results from all sorts of practices. The most crucially, it takes to train and upgrade the skills of an existing workforce and even extra time to witness the economic benefits of the training to enhance performance.


(391 words)


Reference list:
Pfeffer, J 1998, ‘Seven Practices of successful organizations’, California Management Review, Vol.40, Issue 2, Business Management, pg 96.

https://docs.google.com/gview?url=http://faculty.washington.edu/janegf/sevenpractices.pdf&chrome=true






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Just a moment ago,
I feel so melancholy when my words were being perceived and judged as 'paranoid',




at the moment when I heard that,
my instant response was
'Its real, it's you the one who keep thinking your mum didnt harm me.'
I knew she's sherron and thus I ignored the 'name' and continued talked to her what I'm trying to say,
surprisingly,
she even criticized me
'You cant trust others, you can't let go, that's why you keep having dream and keep living in fear, and keep repeating the same issue.'





She sent me this when class was ongoing,
therefore as usual,
left hand replied message while right hand copied the lecture notes,
however I didn't know how I did that, but I been used to doing that as a university student,
and I believed all university students did that in their uni life,
at least once in awhile in their uni years.



* Today is my first tute for Communication and Organisation class, I witnessed a new classmate whom I can't differentiate his/her gender. I saw she's using Celine bag, and wearing boots. But her face look like a man. So I daren't talk to another two classmates whom sitting beside me, because I don't know I have to say him/her when mention about that person.


After the one hour lecture,
I went to the uni cafeteria,
had a break; sat down and munched slowly,
at the same time reflecting the text messages and my responses.
I remembered when she said I'm paranoid,
I was extremely pissed off that she distrusted me and assumed my words as 'hallucination' and thought all those weren't real,
indeed those spiky words hurt me for awhile but make me seriously ponder my characters.
I am asking myself
'Did I ??'
When I seriously think back those words,
I really thinking myself
'Are my thinking unreal? Why a normal person would perceived my words as form of exaggeration and even said i'm paranoid?'
As a conclusion,
I went up to library and made a quick browse about what is a real meaning of 'paranoid' after the whole sandwich was swallowed into my stomach.




Perhaps,
I only know a more superficial meaning of 'paranoid' or the more common sense meaning.
In my mind,
the definition of 'paranoid' is 'thinking something which is unreal',
that's my norm of English vocab or perhaps knowledge of psychology or perhaps the common perceptual meaning of being paranoid. 
In overall,
I'm extremely angry when my words were being distrusted and even being distorted as paranoid,
I really angry she distrusted my dreams and even thought the things I spoken wouldn't happen in future,
and even feel that my words are ridiculous.
Besides than that,
her 'ridiculous' is hurtful to me as I really know it will happen.
For me,
I thinking that no one will understand the factual situations as I thought or as I dream,
this is the hardest thing in the world that when I trying to move on,
certainly move on isn't a piece of cake,
it needs courage, time, willingness, faith and efforts to leave everything behind.
Forgetting the past is no bed of roses.
If she's not sherron,
it's time to think whether the spoken words from her has some significant meaning or certain truth?
I'm doubting that whether she really doesn't believe my saying and assumed me as real paranoid or just try to anger me so she said so?
But if she's not sherron,
would she intentionally anger me??!!





By the way,
until the last minute when we almost end the conversation only I realized she wasn't Sherron.
And also, both of us typed in the same time.

me: 'Are you Sherron?'
her: 'I am working now'

LOL!
Feel like I was being prank but no one prank me.
I'm the one who assumed the that person as another person throughout the conversation,
and I thought that 'another' person also knew I know it's her,
so she never mention who is she and continued talk,
while I, I also thought that person thought I know she is the person so I just continued chat,
until the time she told me she's at work only I realized she wasn't the person.
But the thing is so coincidence,
she let me know she's not the person by that way. LMAO!




After I knew she wasn't Sherron,
I really take her words so seriously because she wasn't her,
I sat on the uni canteen couch, munched and pondered
'Am I really paranoid? Why a normal person feel the things I described so unreal?'
As a result,
I went Google browsed 'What is paranoid',
and it pop out

Paranoia and Paranoid Disorders

What is Paranoia?

Paranoia involves feelings of persecution and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Paranoia occurs in many mental disorders and is rare as an isolated mental illness. Since the delusions involve only one area, a person with paranoia can usually work and function in everyday life, however, their lives may be limited and isolated. There are different types of paranoia including conjugal paranoia, erotomania, hypochondriacal paranoia, and different types of paranoid disorders such as paranoid personality and paranoid schizophrenia.

Symptoms of Paranoia:

Symptoms of paranoia and paranoid disorders include intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal. Some people suffering from paranoid personality may have a high capacity to annoy or enrage others because of rigid and maladaptive behavior. Some identifiable beliefs and actions of paranoid-related disorders include mistrust, taking offense easily, difficulty with forgiveness, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax, argumentative, abrupt, stubborn, self-righteous, and perfectionistic.

What Causes Paranoia?

The cause of paranoia is a breakdown of various mental and emotional functions involving reasoning and assigned meanings. The reasons for these breakdowns are varied and uncertain. Some symptoms of paranoia may arise from repressed, denied or projected feelings. Paranoid thoughts and feelings can become part of a delusional system through an accident, a misunderstanding or minor injustice, heightened intimacy, or increased responsibility.

Treatment of Paranoia

Treatment of paranoia is usually via behavior therapy which is aimed at reducing sensitivity to criticism and improving social skills. It can be difficult to treat a person with paranoia as they may be irritable, emotionally guarded, hostile, and unwilling; therefore, progress is slow. Therapy attempts to break the cycle of suspicion and isolation by using relaxation and anxiety management and by aiding the person to change certain behaviors.


I'm reading and reflecting my own personalities at the same time,
irrational mistrust or suspicion?
I think I am rationally mistrust and I do have solid reason to disbelieve something;
which can bring on sense of rage, hatred and betrayal??
I think this actually applied on Pn Lye more than me! LOL!
She always distrusted me thus she hates me so much and angry me.
Difficulty with forgiveness? I think she exactly has this point! LOL!!!
She really can't forgives me until now and that's why she couldn't be able to moves on her life,
thus she relies on harm to moves on her life, she used harm to stabilize her life.
"defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism"??
When I get to read this point,
I straight think of just now I told her
'I got so many examples after your mum became friend with me still want to harm me, when I told kaima my sis jealous of me, she winked at kaima and showed evil smile like very happy like that, this showed that she feel pleasure because I got trouble, and also, when I mentioned of add math, she look like very happy like that, totally built happiness on someone's suffering. Besides than that, I told her I already broke up with Hung Kiat, I told that nobody can protects me already, so dont beat me. When I said that I cried you know? She still keep quiet and dont care me. Dont care means still will harm in future. So this proves that she still will harms me even we are friend.'
She straight said
'I think you are thinking too much and being paranoid'
From that flashback,
I'm thinking that whether I really got defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism?
Am I too hypervigilant towards her every single response?
Maybe she might not mean to be happy but I perceived her facial expressions as criticism?
But,
why her responses were so inappropriate?
Is jealousy a great thing? Or is add math incident a lucky incident?
Why she needs to demonstrate happiness when I mentioned something bad?
In this circumstance,
I really don't know whether I'm just too sensitive to her every responses or her behaviour is too inappropriate?
Besides,
if she knows I will overly notice her every single responses in order to determine her sincerity,
and why she still wanna showed flaws at inappropriate moment?
Ain't that she knows I'm looking at her every single details and why she still wanna make me distrust her?
To be honest, from this point,
i'm really really lost.
Kaima keep telling me that she's not the bad person as I thought,
and keep saying
'Because the frequency you met up with her not much, so the trauma is still with you.'
Same voice to speak in unison,
Her daughter and son spoke "ah ah ah! Ya ya ya! I also feel like that, you need time."
(My heart thinking it's all bullshit because I had already gave her chance to prove her sincerity, they are the one who don't understand situation and thought I need time.)
I answered her stubbornly
'What trauma?? I already gave her chance to explain, I know she is still who she is, she still show that kind of face to me, I dont trust her any more. If she knows I'm going to look at her every single details, why she still behaved the same way and remain unchanged?'
Kaima still stand by her side and said
'Aiya... bu xiao xing de mah... forgive her la...'
I said in a louder voice
'Bu xiao xing??!! Then when only can xiao xing??'



Well,
I'm a good debater though, no one could able to talk over me,
people often keep quiet after my last talk.
Maybe, this is my matter with trust.
Nevertheless,
I still can't trust her if she still behaved the same way....
As I mentioned before,
leopard cannot change its spots,
the same thing applies on her,
she can't change her old bad reputation when she has a bad name.
Me,
I hate her smile the most,
technically her smile is a sort of trauma to me,
I HATE IT AND FEAR IT AS WELL!!!
I dont wanna conquer this fear but I dont want see her smile.
Yeah! I'm selfish and overbearing enough,
I request for inappropriate demand,
I dont wish to see her smile,
she only can talks but can't smile,
I dont wanna see her teeth,
because my greatest fear is to see her smile,
it greatly reminds me of my trauma,
I hate she builds happiness when someone is undergone torment !!



Symptoms of Paranoia:

Symptoms of paranoia and paranoid disorders include intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal. Some people suffering from paranoid personality may have a high capacity to annoy or enrage others because of rigid and maladaptive behavior. Some identifiable beliefs and actions of paranoid-related disorders include mistrust, taking offense easily, difficulty with forgiveness, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax, argumentative, abrupt, stubborn, self-righteous, and perfectionistic.



Back to the point,
"preoccupation with hidden motives", absolutely I am.
As I mentioned once again,
I guard myself by preoccupation with hidden motives,
a pure smile may evoke criticism from me,
because I just have a deep trauma towards her smile,
so please don't smile in front of me, a natural smile might cause suspicion to me,
if you're happy, please smile in front of mirror, I don't care.
Needlessly to say that you know I'm afraid of your every single things,
so please don't be 'overactive' in front of me, just be calm as more as possible!
Exactly as what I always pour out my heart,

"fear of being deceived or taken advantage of"

I am often awfully fear of being deceived or taken advantage of,
because the truth is I have been taken advantages all of the time,
just told sherron that I only assumed add math incident as taken my advantage but nothing else,
I only perceived it as revenge all the way she could,
so she caned me as more times as she could.
This is what I meant of advantage.
Besides than that,
I am afraid of being deceived too,
because I'm actually impetuous to believe someone,
when you tell me something which could resulted benefits for me such as if you blah blah blah I will give you back blah blah blah,
and I hate she deceived me and to harm me later,
as a daily routine,
she never fails to cheat and harm me,
so when one day,
she stops deceived me in order to harm me,
I'll suspect her act or think for a long time before committing a response.



Vividly recalled,
when she passed me a gift and when I hold it on hand,
I feel fear towards that particular object,
I am thinking whether it's a prank or a harm?
I even hold it from a far distance and keep saying I afraid of it.
I thought it's a moving insect in the wrapped gift which I still can't feel it prior to open,
so I am afraid of the fearful thing get to near with me~!!!
Doubtlessly,
I'm afraid of being hurt once again.
Ah Lee and Kaima keep laughing at me,
one of them joked and said
'Of course is real gift! Hahaha!! Abuden you thought got dog inside?'
When they said so only I dare to be close to the gift. LOL!
It's ridiculous indeed but it's actually a pathetic hidden hurt.





"Inability to relax"??
I'm actually answering yes if you ask me don't tell white lies,
somehow I feel like I can't really relax no matter how relaxing is the situation.
Frankly speaking, regarding my America trip,
everyone admired me that I deserve an America trip and they said it similarly
"So awesome! Going America is my dream but I don't have visa"

or said

'You going America alone? You know route by yourself? You figure out direction by yourself? America super big know?'


and mummy said

'You want I go along with you or not?? One person go later get lost how??.'

LOL! I spoke in a satire manner and said

"No need la, you come for what? You come = never come, since you cant understand their single word also. Plus the person who might get lost is you, not me haha!"

Hahaha! Mummy laughed like hell when I said her like that. ^^






From my facebook pictures,
I can tell you that 'virtually' seems better than the real life,



I took a lot of pictures,
people thought I'm so high and enjoyed like hell,
but I barely feel the happiness at the certain moment,
such as while I having my cruise moment and the painting hours.
Because the moment I paint my heart out is the happiest hour,
and when the sunset cruise bounced on the oncoming waves,
I smiled for a few times when the salty seawater slightly splashed on my bare face and then smiled in a heart-wrenching manner till I burst into tears.
I really do not know how come and what had happened to me??!!
Enjoyable activities seem so pathetic for me?
But, when looking back all these,
I happier a lot when I went traveled by myself,
because it's the best time for me to vent those negative emotions and think those things which I ain't supposed to think in front of others.
I enjoyed the luxury wine tours actually,
we took premium limo and headed to four different wine house to taste different kind of wines in the valley.
We were given 45 minutes for each wine house,
I was slightly drunken during the first wine house,
because we were given a shot and a shot of wine with random alcoholic percentage.
And I feel like I really rely on wine to make myself not to have so much worries,
I feel better a lot when I have a quick white wine,
because whenever I had wine, I'll think my worries until I fall asleep unconsciously.
No questions, no doubts and no worries to myself sleep peacefully.



And the last point of being a paranoid is 'perfectionism',
sometimes I really asked myself did I in this point?



Why people were saying me for the same thing at different time?
That day, after my IELTS test,
when I was peeing in daddy's office toilet,
I mumbled in a tone of worry,
I said
'Dont know my IELTS will get band 7 or not?'
(I thought nobody around)
LOL! Eldest sis accidentally heard I said so when she's peeing on the next door toilet,
she suddenly said
'JIA LI HAI !!! Dont know will get band 7 or not??!! hahaha!'
I quickly denied and said
'No la... simply said one la... you think I really is this kind of person meh??'
And another instance,
when I knew my IELTS speaking test got band 8.0,
I phoned and blamed mummy,
I said in an anguish tone
'you see lah! You dont let me go tuition, now speaking only band 8.0, my speaking part 2 got no idea at all, totally unexpected she will set this odd question, initially I can get full band 9.0, now become 8.0, people all went tuition for at least 3 months course, normal course is 1 year. You dont let me tuition at all, let me study by my own and only 2 weeks time to prepared everything, totally not enough of time to prepared. Ah Zern (younger brother) can go tuition, I cannot go tuition. Even IELTS materials also ask me dont buy! Harm me got poor result now...'
Mummy even laughed and said
'Hua!!! Action wor... purposely call and show off.... hahaha!'
Actually,
I didn't meant that, I'm clearly unsatisfied what I gotten because I feel like I didn't attain the best outcome,
that's it and why people saying that I'm show off?? LOL!!
I think the best is not to mention result to anyone else no matter what's your achievement,
people will just think you're show off even you didn't mean that.





In overall,
I really hate myself,
I think that I only can rely on either wine or medication to keep my life better,
why can't she put down her esteem and tells me everything,
I wouldn't blame her but only appreciates everything she answered me.
At times,
I'll burst into tears unreasonably,
perhaps the unspoken words from my bottom of my heart,
I really do not know how to describe it and also describe it from which part,
because I have too many things to blurt out and question it one by one,
I'm such an asshole who can't manage to live out my life.
Whatever paranoia, hallucination, delusion or schizophrenia,
it just a silly adjectives or nouns for me,
I'm just a 22 years old girl who can't live out my life after the shadow of seventeenth.
Feel glad and lucky that it's my fifth year trauma and the severity seem slightly recovered,
comparatively to those unlucky, i'm considered luckier a lot,
 because I heard that someone with shadow would probably needs at least few decades to recover their life into normal life instead of a barely half decade.
Glad that people around me encourage and inspire me that
'You are 22 this year, still super duper young; quickly walk out this shadow, simply embrace a dream and kick off your new life before your trauma steep deeper. Because time is a scary but amazing figure which can transform you into a really bad life or a very good life.'

















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About me

Nothing struggled at 25; live a pretty simple but self-indulgent lifestyle, do not expect less but eager an extravagantly peaceful life.

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