Mistrust
Just a moment ago,
I feel so melancholy when my words were being perceived and judged as 'paranoid',
at the moment when I heard that,
my instant response was
'Its real, it's you the one who keep thinking your mum didnt harm me.'
I knew she's sherron and thus I ignored the 'name' and continued talked to her what I'm trying to say,
surprisingly,
she even criticized me
'You cant trust others, you can't let go, that's why you keep having dream and keep living in fear, and keep repeating the same issue.'
She sent me this when class was ongoing,
therefore as usual,
left hand replied message while right hand copied the lecture notes,
however I didn't know how I did that, but I been used to doing that as a university student,
and I believed all university students did that in their uni life,
at least once in awhile in their uni years.
* Today is my first tute for Communication and Organisation class, I witnessed a new classmate whom I can't differentiate his/her gender. I saw she's using Celine bag, and wearing boots. But her face look like a man. So I daren't talk to another two classmates whom sitting beside me, because I don't know I have to say him/her when mention about that person.
After the one hour lecture,
I went to the uni cafeteria,
had a break; sat down and munched slowly,
at the same time reflecting the text messages and my responses.
I remembered when she said I'm paranoid,
I was extremely pissed off that she distrusted me and assumed my words as 'hallucination' and thought all those weren't real,
indeed those spiky words hurt me for awhile but make me seriously ponder my characters.
I am asking myself
'Did I ??'
When I seriously think back those words,
I really thinking myself
'Are my thinking unreal? Why a normal person would perceived my words as form of exaggeration and even said i'm paranoid?'
As a conclusion,
I went up to library and made a quick browse about what is a real meaning of 'paranoid' after the whole sandwich was swallowed into my stomach.
Perhaps,
I only know a more superficial meaning of 'paranoid' or the more common sense meaning.
In my mind,
the definition of 'paranoid' is 'thinking something which is unreal',
that's my norm of English vocab or perhaps knowledge of psychology or perhaps the common perceptual meaning of being paranoid.
In overall,
I'm extremely angry when my words were being distrusted and even being distorted as paranoid,
I really angry she distrusted my dreams and even thought the things I spoken wouldn't happen in future,
and even feel that my words are ridiculous.
Besides than that,
her 'ridiculous' is hurtful to me as I really know it will happen.
For me,
I thinking that no one will understand the factual situations as I thought or as I dream,
this is the hardest thing in the world that when I trying to move on,
certainly move on isn't a piece of cake,
it needs courage, time, willingness, faith and efforts to leave everything behind.
Forgetting the past is no bed of roses.
If she's not sherron,
it's time to think whether the spoken words from her has some significant meaning or certain truth?
I'm doubting that whether she really doesn't believe my saying and assumed me as real paranoid or just try to anger me so she said so?
But if she's not sherron,
would she intentionally anger me??!!
By the way,
until the last minute when we almost end the conversation only I realized she wasn't Sherron.
And also, both of us typed in the same time.
me: 'Are you Sherron?'
her: 'I am working now'
LOL!
Feel like I was being prank but no one prank me.
I'm the one who assumed the that person as another person throughout the conversation,
and I thought that 'another' person also knew I know it's her,
so she never mention who is she and continued talk,
while I, I also thought that person thought I know she is the person so I just continued chat,
until the time she told me she's at work only I realized she wasn't the person.
But the thing is so coincidence,
she let me know she's not the person by that way. LMAO!
After I knew she wasn't Sherron,
I really take her words so seriously because she wasn't her,
I sat on the uni canteen couch, munched and pondered
'Am I really paranoid? Why a normal person feel the things I described so unreal?'
As a result,
I went Google browsed'What is paranoid',
and it pop out
I'm reading and reflecting my own personalities at the same time,
irrational mistrust or suspicion?
I think I am rationally mistrust and I do have solid reason to disbelieve something;
which can bring on sense of rage, hatred and betrayal??
I think this actually applied on Pn Lye more than me! LOL!
She always distrusted me thus she hates me so much and angry me.
Difficulty with forgiveness? I think she exactly has this point! LOL!!!
She really can't forgives me until now and that's why she couldn't be able to moves on her life,
thus she relies on harm to moves on her life, she used harm to stabilize her life.
"defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism"??
When I get to read this point,
I straight think of just now I told her
'I got so many examples after your mum became friend with me still want to harm me, when I told kaima my sis jealous of me, she winked at kaima and showed evil smile like very happy like that, this showed that she feel pleasure because I got trouble, and also, when I mentioned of add math, she look like very happy like that, totally built happiness on someone's suffering. Besides than that, I told her I already broke up with Hung Kiat, I told that nobody can protects me already, so dont beat me. When I said that I cried you know? She still keep quiet and dont care me. Dont care means still will harm in future. So this proves that she still will harms me even we are friend.'
She straight said
'I think you are thinking too much and being paranoid'
From that flashback,
I'm thinking that whether I really got defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism?
Am I too hypervigilant towards her every single response?
Maybe she might not mean to be happy but I perceived her facial expressions as criticism?
But,
why her responses were so inappropriate?
Is jealousy a great thing? Or is add math incident a lucky incident?
Why she needs to demonstrate happiness when I mentioned something bad?
In this circumstance,
I really don't know whether I'm just too sensitive to her every responses or her behaviour is too inappropriate?
Besides,
if she knows I will overly notice her every single responses in order to determine her sincerity,
and why she still wanna showed flaws at inappropriate moment?
Ain't that she knows I'm looking at her every single details and why she still wanna make me distrust her?
To be honest, from this point,
i'm really really lost.
Kaima keep telling me that she's not the bad person as I thought,
and keep saying
'Because the frequency you met up with her not much, so the trauma is still with you.'
Same voice to speak in unison,
Her daughter and son spoke "ah ah ah! Ya ya ya! I also feel like that, you need time."
(My heart thinking it's all bullshit because I had already gave her chance to prove her sincerity, they are the one who don't understand situation and thought I need time.)
I answered her stubbornly
'What trauma?? I already gave her chance to explain, I know she is still who she is, she still show that kind of face to me, I dont trust her any more. If she knows I'm going to look at her every single details, why she still behaved the same way and remain unchanged?'
Kaima still stand by her side and said
'Aiya... bu xiao xing de mah... forgive her la...'
I said in a louder voice
'Bu xiao xing??!! Then when only can xiao xing??'
Well,
I'm a good debater though, no one could able to talk over me,
people often keep quiet after my last talk.
Maybe, this is my matter with trust.
Nevertheless,
I still can't trust her if she still behaved the same way....
As I mentioned before,
leopard cannot change its spots,
the same thing applies on her,
she can't change her old bad reputation when she has a bad name.
Me,
I hate her smile the most,
technically her smile is a sort of trauma to me,
I HATE IT AND FEAR IT AS WELL!!!
I dont wanna conquer this fear but I dont want see her smile.
Yeah! I'm selfish and overbearing enough,
I request for inappropriate demand,
I dont wish to see her smile,
she only can talks but can't smile,
I dont wanna see her teeth,
because my greatest fear is to see her smile,
it greatly reminds me of my trauma,
I hate she builds happiness when someone is undergone torment !!
Back to the point,
"preoccupation with hidden motives", absolutely I am.
As I mentioned once again,
I guard myself by preoccupation with hidden motives,
a pure smile may evoke criticism from me,
because I just have a deep trauma towards her smile,
so please don't smile in front of me, a natural smile might cause suspicion to me,
if you're happy, please smile in front of mirror, I don't care.
Needlessly to say that you know I'm afraid of your every single things,
so please don't be 'overactive' in front of me, just be calm as more as possible!
Exactly as what I always pour out my heart,
"fear of being deceived or taken advantage of"
I am often awfully fear of being deceived or taken advantage of,
because the truth is I have been taken advantages all of the time,
just told sherron that I only assumed add math incident as taken my advantage but nothing else,
I only perceived it as revenge all the way she could,
so she caned me as more times as she could.
This is what I meant of advantage.
Besides than that,
I am afraid of being deceived too,
because I'm actually impetuous to believe someone,
when you tell me something which could resulted benefits for me such as if you blah blah blah I will give you back blah blah blah,
and I hate she deceived me and to harm me later,
as a daily routine,
she never fails to cheat and harm me,
so when one day,
she stops deceived me in order to harm me,
I'll suspect her act or think for a long time before committing a response.
Vividly recalled,
when she passed me a gift and when I hold it on hand,
I feel fear towards that particular object,
I am thinking whether it's a prank or a harm?
I even hold it from a far distance and keep saying I afraid of it.
I thought it's a moving insect in the wrapped gift which I still can't feel it prior to open,
so I am afraid of the fearful thing get to near with me~!!!
Doubtlessly,
I'm afraid of being hurt once again.
Ah Lee and Kaima keep laughing at me,
one of them joked and said
'Of course is real gift! Hahaha!! Abuden you thought got dog inside?'
When they said so only I dare to be close to the gift. LOL!
It's ridiculous indeed but it's actually a pathetic hidden hurt.
"Inability to relax"??
I'm actually answering yes if you ask me don't tell white lies,
somehow I feel like I can't really relax no matter how relaxing is the situation.
Frankly speaking, regarding my America trip,
everyone admired me that I deserve an America trip and they said it similarly
"So awesome! Going America is my dream but I don't have visa"
or said
'You going America alone? You know route by yourself? You figure out direction by yourself? America super big know?'
and mummy said
'You want I go along with you or not?? One person go later get lost how??.'
LOL! I spoke in a satire manner and said
"No need la, you come for what? You come = never come, since you cant understand their single word also. Plus the person who might get lost is you, not me haha!"
Hahaha! Mummy laughed like hell when I said her like that. ^^
From my facebook pictures,
I can tell you that 'virtually' seems better than the real life,
I took a lot of pictures,
people thought I'm so high and enjoyed like hell,
but I barely feel the happiness at the certain moment,
such as while I having my cruise moment and the painting hours.
Because the moment I paint my heart out is the happiest hour,
and when the sunset cruise bounced on the oncoming waves,
I smiled for a few times when the salty seawater slightly splashed on my bare face and then smiled in a heart-wrenching manner till I burst into tears.
I really do not know how come and what had happened to me??!!
Enjoyable activities seem so pathetic for me?
But, when looking back all these,
I happier a lot when I went traveled by myself,
because it's the best time for me to vent those negative emotions and think those things which I ain't supposed to think in front of others.
I enjoyed the luxury wine tours actually,
we took premium limo and headed to four different wine house to taste different kind of wines in the valley.
We were given 45 minutes for each wine house,
I was slightly drunken during the first wine house,
because we were given a shot and a shot of wine with random alcoholic percentage.
And I feel like I really rely on wine to make myself not to have so much worries,
I feel better a lot when I have a quick white wine,
because whenever I had wine, I'll think my worries until I fall asleep unconsciously.
No questions, no doubts and no worries to myself sleep peacefully.
And the last point of being a paranoid is 'perfectionism',
sometimes I really asked myself did I in this point?
Why people were saying me for the same thing at different time?
That day, after my IELTS test,
when I was peeing in daddy's office toilet,
I mumbled in a tone of worry,
I said
'Dont know my IELTS will get band 7 or not?'
(I thought nobody around)
LOL! Eldest sis accidentally heard I said so when she's peeing on the next door toilet,
she suddenly said
'JIA LI HAI !!! Dont know will get band 7 or not??!! hahaha!'
I quickly denied and said
'No la... simply said one la... you think I really is this kind of person meh??'
And another instance,
when I knew my IELTS speaking test got band 8.0,
I phoned and blamed mummy,
I said in an anguish tone
'you see lah! You dont let me go tuition, now speaking only band 8.0, my speaking part 2 got no idea at all, totally unexpected she will set this odd question, initially I can get full band 9.0, now become 8.0, people all went tuition for at least 3 months course, normal course is 1 year. You dont let me tuition at all, let me study by my own and only 2 weeks time to prepared everything, totally not enough of time to prepared. Ah Zern (younger brother) can go tuition, I cannot go tuition. Even IELTS materials also ask me dont buy! Harm me got poor result now...'
Mummy even laughed and said
'Hua!!! Action wor... purposely call and show off.... hahaha!'
Actually,
I didn't meant that, I'm clearly unsatisfied what I gotten because I feel like I didn't attain the best outcome,
that's it and why people saying that I'm show off?? LOL!!
I think the best is not to mention result to anyone else no matter what's your achievement,
people will just think you're show off even you didn't mean that.
In overall,
I really hate myself,
I think that I only can rely on either wine or medication to keep my life better,
why can't she put down her esteem and tells me everything,
I wouldn't blame her but only appreciates everything she answered me.
At times,
I'll burst into tears unreasonably,
perhaps the unspoken words from my bottom of my heart,
I really do not know how to describe it and also describe it from which part,
because I have too many things to blurt out and question it one by one,
I'm such an asshole who can't manage to live out my life.
Whatever paranoia, hallucination, delusion or schizophrenia,
it just a silly adjectives or nouns for me,
I'm just a 22 years old girl who can't live out my life after the shadow of seventeenth.
Feel glad and lucky that it's my fifth year trauma and the severity seem slightly recovered,
comparatively to those unlucky, i'm considered luckier a lot,
because I heard that someone with shadow would probably needs at least few decades to recover their life into normal life instead of a barely half decade.
Glad that people around me encourage and inspire me that
'You are 22 this year, still super duper young; quickly walk out this shadow, simply embrace a dream and kick off your new life before your trauma steep deeper. Because time is a scary but amazing figure which can transform you into a really bad life or a very good life.'
this is the hardest thing in the world that when I trying to move on,
certainly move on isn't a piece of cake,
it needs courage, time, willingness, faith and efforts to leave everything behind.
Forgetting the past is no bed of roses.
If she's not sherron,
it's time to think whether the spoken words from her has some significant meaning or certain truth?
I'm doubting that whether she really doesn't believe my saying and assumed me as real paranoid or just try to anger me so she said so?
But if she's not sherron,
would she intentionally anger me??!!
By the way,
until the last minute when we almost end the conversation only I realized she wasn't Sherron.
And also, both of us typed in the same time.
me: 'Are you Sherron?'
her: 'I am working now'
LOL!
Feel like I was being prank but no one prank me.
I'm the one who assumed the that person as another person throughout the conversation,
and I thought that 'another' person also knew I know it's her,
so she never mention who is she and continued talk,
while I, I also thought that person thought I know she is the person so I just continued chat,
until the time she told me she's at work only I realized she wasn't the person.
But the thing is so coincidence,
she let me know she's not the person by that way. LMAO!
After I knew she wasn't Sherron,
I really take her words so seriously because she wasn't her,
I sat on the uni canteen couch, munched and pondered
'Am I really paranoid? Why a normal person feel the things I described so unreal?'
As a result,
I went Google browsed
and it pop out
Paranoia and Paranoid Disorders
What is Paranoia?
Paranoia involves feelings of persecution and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Paranoia occurs in many mental disorders and is rare as an isolated mental illness. Since the delusions involve only one area, a person with paranoia can usually work and function in everyday life, however, their lives may be limited and isolated. There are different types of paranoia including conjugal paranoia, erotomania, hypochondriacal paranoia, and different types of paranoid disorders such as paranoid personality and paranoid schizophrenia.
Symptoms of Paranoia:
Symptoms of paranoia and paranoid disorders include intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal. Some people suffering from paranoid personality may have a high capacity to annoy or enrage others because of rigid and maladaptive behavior. Some identifiable beliefs and actions of paranoid-related disorders include mistrust, taking offense easily, difficulty with forgiveness, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax, argumentative, abrupt, stubborn, self-righteous, and perfectionistic.
What Causes Paranoia?
The cause of paranoia is a breakdown of various mental and emotional functions involving reasoning and assigned meanings. The reasons for these breakdowns are varied and uncertain. Some symptoms of paranoia may arise from repressed, denied or projected feelings. Paranoid thoughts and feelings can become part of a delusional system through an accident, a misunderstanding or minor injustice, heightened intimacy, or increased responsibility.
Treatment of Paranoia
Treatment of paranoia is usually via behavior therapy which is aimed at reducing sensitivity to criticism and improving social skills. It can be difficult to treat a person with paranoia as they may be irritable, emotionally guarded, hostile, and unwilling; therefore, progress is slow. Therapy attempts to break the cycle of suspicion and isolation by using relaxation and anxiety management and by aiding the person to change certain behaviors.
I'm reading and reflecting my own personalities at the same time,
irrational mistrust or suspicion?
I think I am rationally mistrust and I do have solid reason to disbelieve something;
which can bring on sense of rage, hatred and betrayal??
I think this actually applied on Pn Lye more than me! LOL!
She always distrusted me thus she hates me so much and angry me.
Difficulty with forgiveness? I think she exactly has this point! LOL!!!
She really can't forgives me until now and that's why she couldn't be able to moves on her life,
thus she relies on harm to moves on her life, she used harm to stabilize her life.
"defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism"??
When I get to read this point,
I straight think of just now I told her
'I got so many examples after your mum became friend with me still want to harm me, when I told kaima my sis jealous of me, she winked at kaima and showed evil smile like very happy like that, this showed that she feel pleasure because I got trouble, and also, when I mentioned of add math, she look like very happy like that, totally built happiness on someone's suffering. Besides than that, I told her I already broke up with Hung Kiat, I told that nobody can protects me already, so dont beat me. When I said that I cried you know? She still keep quiet and dont care me. Dont care means still will harm in future. So this proves that she still will harms me even we are friend.'
She straight said
'I think you are thinking too much and being paranoid'
From that flashback,
I'm thinking that whether I really got defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism?
Am I too hypervigilant towards her every single response?
Maybe she might not mean to be happy but I perceived her facial expressions as criticism?
But,
why her responses were so inappropriate?
Is jealousy a great thing? Or is add math incident a lucky incident?
Why she needs to demonstrate happiness when I mentioned something bad?
In this circumstance,
I really don't know whether I'm just too sensitive to her every responses or her behaviour is too inappropriate?
Besides,
if she knows I will overly notice her every single responses in order to determine her sincerity,
and why she still wanna showed flaws at inappropriate moment?
Ain't that she knows I'm looking at her every single details and why she still wanna make me distrust her?
To be honest, from this point,
i'm really really lost.
Kaima keep telling me that she's not the bad person as I thought,
and keep saying
'Because the frequency you met up with her not much, so the trauma is still with you.'
Same voice to speak in unison,
Her daughter and son spoke "ah ah ah! Ya ya ya! I also feel like that, you need time."
(My heart thinking it's all bullshit because I had already gave her chance to prove her sincerity, they are the one who don't understand situation and thought I need time.)
I answered her stubbornly
'What trauma?? I already gave her chance to explain, I know she is still who she is, she still show that kind of face to me, I dont trust her any more. If she knows I'm going to look at her every single details, why she still behaved the same way and remain unchanged?'
Kaima still stand by her side and said
'Aiya... bu xiao xing de mah... forgive her la...'
I said in a louder voice
'Bu xiao xing??!! Then when only can xiao xing??'
Well,
I'm a good debater though, no one could able to talk over me,
people often keep quiet after my last talk.
Maybe, this is my matter with trust.
Nevertheless,
I still can't trust her if she still behaved the same way....
As I mentioned before,
leopard cannot change its spots,
the same thing applies on her,
she can't change her old bad reputation when she has a bad name.
Me,
I hate her smile the most,
technically her smile is a sort of trauma to me,
I HATE IT AND FEAR IT AS WELL!!!
I dont wanna conquer this fear but I dont want see her smile.
Yeah! I'm selfish and overbearing enough,
I request for inappropriate demand,
I dont wish to see her smile,
she only can talks but can't smile,
I dont wanna see her teeth,
because my greatest fear is to see her smile,
it greatly reminds me of my trauma,
I hate she builds happiness when someone is undergone torment !!
Symptoms of Paranoia:
Symptoms of paranoia and paranoid disorders include intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal. Some people suffering from paranoid personality may have a high capacity to annoy or enrage others because of rigid and maladaptive behavior. Some identifiable beliefs and actions of paranoid-related disorders include mistrust, taking offense easily, difficulty with forgiveness, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax, argumentative, abrupt, stubborn, self-righteous, and perfectionistic.
Back to the point,
"preoccupation with hidden motives", absolutely I am.
As I mentioned once again,
I guard myself by preoccupation with hidden motives,
a pure smile may evoke criticism from me,
because I just have a deep trauma towards her smile,
so please don't smile in front of me, a natural smile might cause suspicion to me,
if you're happy, please smile in front of mirror, I don't care.
Needlessly to say that you know I'm afraid of your every single things,
so please don't be 'overactive' in front of me, just be calm as more as possible!
Exactly as what I always pour out my heart,
"fear of being deceived or taken advantage of"
I am often awfully fear of being deceived or taken advantage of,
because the truth is I have been taken advantages all of the time,
just told sherron that I only assumed add math incident as taken my advantage but nothing else,
I only perceived it as revenge all the way she could,
so she caned me as more times as she could.
This is what I meant of advantage.
Besides than that,
I am afraid of being deceived too,
because I'm actually impetuous to believe someone,
when you tell me something which could resulted benefits for me such as if you blah blah blah I will give you back blah blah blah,
and I hate she deceived me and to harm me later,
as a daily routine,
she never fails to cheat and harm me,
so when one day,
she stops deceived me in order to harm me,
I'll suspect her act or think for a long time before committing a response.
Vividly recalled,
when she passed me a gift and when I hold it on hand,
I feel fear towards that particular object,
I am thinking whether it's a prank or a harm?
I even hold it from a far distance and keep saying I afraid of it.
I thought it's a moving insect in the wrapped gift which I still can't feel it prior to open,
so I am afraid of the fearful thing get to near with me~!!!
Doubtlessly,
I'm afraid of being hurt once again.
Ah Lee and Kaima keep laughing at me,
one of them joked and said
'Of course is real gift! Hahaha!! Abuden you thought got dog inside?'
When they said so only I dare to be close to the gift. LOL!
It's ridiculous indeed but it's actually a pathetic hidden hurt.
"Inability to relax"??
I'm actually answering yes if you ask me don't tell white lies,
somehow I feel like I can't really relax no matter how relaxing is the situation.
Frankly speaking, regarding my America trip,
everyone admired me that I deserve an America trip and they said it similarly
"So awesome! Going America is my dream but I don't have visa"
or said
'You going America alone? You know route by yourself? You figure out direction by yourself? America super big know?'
and mummy said
'You want I go along with you or not?? One person go later get lost how??.'
LOL! I spoke in a satire manner and said
"No need la, you come for what? You come = never come, since you cant understand their single word also. Plus the person who might get lost is you, not me haha!"
Hahaha! Mummy laughed like hell when I said her like that. ^^
From my facebook pictures,
I can tell you that 'virtually' seems better than the real life,
I took a lot of pictures,
people thought I'm so high and enjoyed like hell,
but I barely feel the happiness at the certain moment,
such as while I having my cruise moment and the painting hours.
Because the moment I paint my heart out is the happiest hour,
and when the sunset cruise bounced on the oncoming waves,
I smiled for a few times when the salty seawater slightly splashed on my bare face and then smiled in a heart-wrenching manner till I burst into tears.
I really do not know how come and what had happened to me??!!
Enjoyable activities seem so pathetic for me?
But, when looking back all these,
I happier a lot when I went traveled by myself,
because it's the best time for me to vent those negative emotions and think those things which I ain't supposed to think in front of others.
I enjoyed the luxury wine tours actually,
we took premium limo and headed to four different wine house to taste different kind of wines in the valley.
We were given 45 minutes for each wine house,
I was slightly drunken during the first wine house,
because we were given a shot and a shot of wine with random alcoholic percentage.
And I feel like I really rely on wine to make myself not to have so much worries,
I feel better a lot when I have a quick white wine,
because whenever I had wine, I'll think my worries until I fall asleep unconsciously.
No questions, no doubts and no worries to myself sleep peacefully.
And the last point of being a paranoid is 'perfectionism',
sometimes I really asked myself did I in this point?
Why people were saying me for the same thing at different time?
That day, after my IELTS test,
when I was peeing in daddy's office toilet,
I mumbled in a tone of worry,
I said
'Dont know my IELTS will get band 7 or not?'
(I thought nobody around)
LOL! Eldest sis accidentally heard I said so when she's peeing on the next door toilet,
she suddenly said
'JIA LI HAI !!! Dont know will get band 7 or not??!! hahaha!'
I quickly denied and said
'No la... simply said one la... you think I really is this kind of person meh??'
And another instance,
when I knew my IELTS speaking test got band 8.0,
I phoned and blamed mummy,
I said in an anguish tone
'you see lah! You dont let me go tuition, now speaking only band 8.0, my speaking part 2 got no idea at all, totally unexpected she will set this odd question, initially I can get full band 9.0, now become 8.0, people all went tuition for at least 3 months course, normal course is 1 year. You dont let me tuition at all, let me study by my own and only 2 weeks time to prepared everything, totally not enough of time to prepared. Ah Zern (younger brother) can go tuition, I cannot go tuition. Even IELTS materials also ask me dont buy! Harm me got poor result now...'
Mummy even laughed and said
'Hua!!! Action wor... purposely call and show off.... hahaha!'
Actually,
I didn't meant that, I'm clearly unsatisfied what I gotten because I feel like I didn't attain the best outcome,
that's it and why people saying that I'm show off?? LOL!!
I think the best is not to mention result to anyone else no matter what's your achievement,
people will just think you're show off even you didn't mean that.
In overall,
I really hate myself,
I think that I only can rely on either wine or medication to keep my life better,
why can't she put down her esteem and tells me everything,
I wouldn't blame her but only appreciates everything she answered me.
At times,
I'll burst into tears unreasonably,
perhaps the unspoken words from my bottom of my heart,
I really do not know how to describe it and also describe it from which part,
because I have too many things to blurt out and question it one by one,
I'm such an asshole who can't manage to live out my life.
Whatever paranoia, hallucination, delusion or schizophrenia,
it just a silly adjectives or nouns for me,
I'm just a 22 years old girl who can't live out my life after the shadow of seventeenth.
Feel glad and lucky that it's my fifth year trauma and the severity seem slightly recovered,
comparatively to those unlucky, i'm considered luckier a lot,
because I heard that someone with shadow would probably needs at least few decades to recover their life into normal life instead of a barely half decade.
Glad that people around me encourage and inspire me that
'You are 22 this year, still super duper young; quickly walk out this shadow, simply embrace a dream and kick off your new life before your trauma steep deeper. Because time is a scary but amazing figure which can transform you into a really bad life or a very good life.'
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