The nerve's blog

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Time is a mysterious element which seems impossible to wait us for even a second,

1 year and 6 months just gone by that way,

human changed and time is moving, but the fact is feeling didn't change across the time,

my heart is such a confused at this moment, seriously, blogging can't help!

whether I'm already fall in love on the new one or still the old one,

he told me

"I can wait you any time, but please dont accept me because you are hurry to forget your ex, and used me as a tool to forget your ex."

My deep down can't deny his factual logic, but my brain seems like it's a hard thing to cast away the old subject.

But what to do if those unwanted memories still sway in my brain and stay it forever?

I hate the feeling when people asked me

"you still love him?"

"Why you blocked him everywhere?"

"If you really dont like him anymore, why you still need to make an effort in forgetting him?"

The second him, treated me really good, 100 times better than him,

in terms of trustworthy, intelligence, maturity, capability, humor, financial background and dependability are much better than him,

but somehow why I still feel that the old kindness can't beat anything else?

I'm asking my heart now that am I bias or prejudice?

Whenever I spent my time with him,

the fun is always the old fun, the fun is always revolving on the first one,

bestie even told me

"Up to you that whether you still want to talk to him, as long as you already move on, then everything is fine",

when I heard this, I feel so bad for myself,

that i'm lying to myself and verbally lying to a friend that I've entirely moved on,

I even answered her
"Of course! Both of us already moved on, he already has someone that he likes, and I already have someone that I like, of course we didn't like each other any more. See! He didn't please please please any more."

Just now,

feel intensely excited to see baby Paul face-to-face,

hence Jubie asked me to download Tango as we can't video call each other through Facebook messenger nor Whatsapp,

so I just downloaded this old app into my new phone.

Every bits and pieces of older memories were backup once I entered my phone number and verification number,

the top one appeared his name "Sky",

when I clicked and listen the unheard messages,

seems like I'm going back to the past when I heard "Hello Clar".

What I did was quickly done the thing which needed to be done,

which is called Jubie and video call with Paul, then ended up the conversation and quit the Tango app immediately.

But when I ended the video conservation,

seems like the stupid temptation hunted me again,

my reflex action made me reheard his voice - "Hello Clar",

and then made a voice comparison between these two man.

Both calling me the same name, but with different accent,

the first one called me with second tone, and the second one called me with the first tone (Australia accent).

I really hate myself for created such a big obstacle in my own heart and making myself can't move on,

I feel so bad and so regretted that I shouldn't accept him in the first place,

we shouldn't start out relationship in the beginning,

I really disliked the previous part of relationship,

if I could, I really wanted to delete it and undo it in my memory.

I've decided to cut off the urge to text him, and to text the proper one,

cuz I feel so bad that I went the wrong one, didn't reply the second one but keep texting the first one,

I apologized to my own heart, but I believed that every tomorrow is better than today and yesterday.

What I need to do is to keep reminding myself

"If the previous guy treated you so badly and wounded your heart so terribly, why not straight move on to the second one as he's everything better than the first one."

Well, tomorrow daddy mommy coming to visit me already,

graduation coming, should be feel excited rather than moody,

because graduation symbolized a new episode of life, a new phrase of age and even a new relationship.

Bear in mind,

the old phase has gone, what I need to do is to concentrate on my current relationship,

be the best girlfriend ever in the new ones heart.

And, this time, it's gonna be a little bit different like the first one,

now and future, this relationship gonna be a secret one or a private one,

I disallow anyone to judge this new relationship and I decided that I wanna let this relationship be a private romance.

unless I'm gonna get married with him, if not I wouldn't announce for it.

Lastly,

tonight's quote is

"Let past mistake be a future lesson"

Yesterday,
he held my hair and told me gently
"I love your hair"
I answered him
"Do you feel that I look better with shorter hair? Maybe below shoulder length but shorter that this?"
He hold my hair; checked the length seriously and answered me
"I love you keep in long hair, very beautiful."
My heart was thinking
"My goodness, why two guys have the same thought and same preference? Could I make myself a big change in order to be a new Clarissa?"
I asked the new one
"Why do you love me?"
he answered similarly like the first one but in different words,

He said
'Love someone dont need a reason, and why you always ask a lot of why?'
I added
'Because for me, everything needs a reason to prove your words"
He nodded his head and said
'Because I love your kindness and princess look.'
I was thinking why two guys love the same kind of person?
I try to challenge by saying
"But, if you like a princess type of person, you gonna deal with her princess character:
He answered
"I dont really mind that as people come with all characters, no matter who you are, you have your own specific character. Different people different kind of characters."
Oh my god!
Why two persons giving the same response,
my ex told me the same thing softly as well,
long time ago,
I asked him
"I'm such a bad temper, why you still like me?"
He answered me
"Because everyone got different kind of attitutdes, even if you are not my girlfriend today, I still need to deal with different kind of character with other people."
I was wondering whether I fall in love with him because he looks like the first one,
and sharing certain type of thinking and kindness?
And I hope I am not,
because before kaima passed away,
she adviced me
"If you continue to choose the similar mindset person, then at the end, you will still getting the same kind of outcome, and end up with a similar separation."
Vividly recalled,
he asked me repeatedly
"What kind of guy you like?"
I answered him
"First is honest, second is kind and third is someone who shares common preference or lifestyle as me, I rank first as honest, because I feel that no matter how quality is a person, without honesty, the relationship still end up zero. So what about you?"
He answered me
"I like someone who is sweet, pretty and innocent."
I asked
"So what kind of style you like your woman holding?"
He answered me
"Elegant and princess"
I asked him
'Why? I thought guys dont like high maintenance woman"
He said
"Not necessary, capable man likes high maintenance woman because she is so classy, and I got a divorced parents, my dad is that type of person who looking for status and money, but my mum is not, my mum seeking for peaceful life and only want my father goes to beach with her, so both of them divorce because their character completely different. So now, I want to find a like minded person who likes elegant and highg end lifestyle."
I said
'Yeah, I think compatibility is still the most important factor in a relationship.'
He asked
"So do your parents both like money and status?"
I answered honestly
"yeah, both of them like money and status, so I'm lucky to have a complete and unbroken family. Because my father and mother shared a similar interest."
He asked
'So what about you?'
I said
'I'm fine with anything, status or without status is completely fine for me, I just need a complete family which are able to afford once a year family trip, can buy anything and do anything in this world with my family. So I'm not really fond with status, because I grown up in a high status family, my dad holds a royalty title in Malaysia, so my mum always restricted my social media usage, like keep on ask me dont post too many pictures or so on as it will attract kidnappers, so I feel that I really grown up without freedom, I cant do things like a normal teenager can do. Or else, if we attend any occasion or trips that comes with my dad's friends, then my mum will say dont wear this and that, dont wear crop top and so on, and keep saying very shy because my dad is a high status person and later people will gossip. So, I really feel that I live under others expectation and I wear something according to others need, and I am not myself, and I feel that I born in this world but living others life. So I really don't like status, but even with it, I'm fine, because I already used to it. As long as got a full-rounded family, everyone in the family are safe and happy, I feel contented.'
He said
'Awww... so sweet... I love you, you are really positive!'
I said
'Thank you, and I know you like positive person.'
He asked
'How do you know?'
I said
'Because you're a motivational speaker, account manager and a journalist who hold diploma of Public Relations, Bachelor of International Relations, Graduate Certificate of Migration Law and Master of Diplomatic Studies. So, you must be really positive to get your achievement today. And, I like positive person as well.'
He asked
'So is your ex bf a positive person as well?'
I said
'No, he is not.'
He asked
'Then why you liked him as you said you likes positive person?'
I said
'I say I like positive person, but I never say I cant like negative person, and being positive is an advantage, of course I like it.'
He hold my cheeks and said
'Awww... so sweet! Thank you.'
I said
'May I ask you a question? Is people who are really negative, hard to succeed?'
He asked me
'You asked this question for sake of your ex bf?'
I said
'Not really, could be ask for myself?'
He smiled and said
'Uhmmm, basically, negative people hard to succeed because they dont have confidence and when they think negatively every day, how they gonna success? So what you gonna do now is to concentrate in your studies, dont think about any work! Be a real full-time student and conquer your master, once you get out your workplace, you can be any positions you want!'
I said
'really?'
He nodded his head and said
'Yeah... like me... I studied master before, so I know it's very very hard, and people who never study master is not gonna understand how hard is it until they experience themselves, so try your best to get the best result, once you come out the workplace, you can straight become manager, like me. I dont do any work when I study master.'
I said
'So are you a top student?'
He said
'Yes I am, I always got top 3 even in my master. So, when I came out from master, I straight landed a job within 2 months.'
I said
'Wow! So you straight become manager when you graduate without any working experience?'
He nodded his head and said
'Yeap, you dont need any working experience to become a manager, you just need education qualification, they will teach you how to do things on the first day you come to work.'
I said
'Hey why you say the first thing as my father? He also ask me not to work, he said no matter how many working experience you have, without education certificate, people wont hired you one.'
He nodded his head and said
'Yeah that is right, anyway you still can do jobs like grocery worker or work in the mall, but does that $500 extra helps you in a month? What if you fail your subjects, you gonna pay $14k aussie dollar per semester, so concentrate in your studies, dont think about any irrelevant jobs. Dont give yourself any stress.'
I nodded my head and said
'Okay! Right, I think you're the person I'm looking for. Someone I can trust with, lead me to a better path.'

Our night ended with that sweet conversation,
however I feel bad myself tonight,
he dated me for a movie night,
but I even told him that I'm not feeling well,
but sitting in front of laptop and blog my stuffs.
Anyway,
I think I really needa rest for tomorrow :)
~~Too tired now.~~

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At this moment,

I feel unreasonably awesome,

my inside is happy without reason despite I'm physically exhausted.

didn't know that whether it's because I moved to a better place or the treatment from her has significantly changed?

Some nights, I took the letter out and read it in heart like bedtime story,

I didn't want to express my happiness in front of her,

but strangely, I just love to act cool in front of her that I got no reaction to anything.

I attempted to be good to her, but later, I will regretted for my action,

and keep it back my kind action, just because I'm shy like a little girl,

I need something to hug or hide when I see a stranger.

But the thing is she's not a stranger to me,

but instead, a person whom I seen her often more than my family,

interacted with her more than my family and met her before I met my family.

Last time,

I felt she's super ill-hearted, malicious, harmful, unfriendly and selfish,

but when I observed it myself and analyze her 'domestic' behaviour,

she's actually apparently malicious but good at inside.

Remembered that she told me once

"Dont disturb me because I'm sick recently, when I'm sick, I still have to do my house chores because no ones here to help me to do it and I still have to go to work, so when I have time, I want to sleep and I'm very tired every day because I'm sick."

Although her words seemed innocent and she expressed herself in a briefest way like a three years,

but still can perceived her good and interpret a mother's role in a family,

although is sick, cannot walk and talk at all, but still have to wash clothes, cook and dry her clothes.

Vividly recalled,

youngest aunt ever told me that i'm innocent because the way I talked,

she said

"For example, you dont need to mention a car got 4 tyres because it's a common sense, so if you mentioned the very obvious thing, people will perceived you as immatured, like a three years old say duh its star, its moon, and star is in yellow colour"

So,

when I read her words,

I think of what the youngest aunt told me and think that she's same like me also,

very obvious, her walking movement shows that she can't walk and her voice showed that she's sick,

and obviously, she feel hard to do something when she's sick,

but she still need to described the whole process that she's sick, then no ones help her, then she's tired and need to sleep. LOL!

The most funny part, she seriously told me

"Eh! Dont spoiled her things know? Because if you spoiled my things, I dont have money to fix know? I still have to support my children study, and living in KL very expensive now? Plus my daughter went UK study some more.... so dont spoiled my things know?"

LOL! She described till like that,

and it's very obvious that she didn't have money, and when things spoiled, it naturally have to fix.

Even Emily also asked me

'Why Pn Lye still need to talked obvious thing one? Even she didnt tell Datin that she's that kind of person who only seeking for peaceful life and not an extravagant person, very obvious that she is that type of peaceful seeker person. See she drives Proton Saga go to school already know, a person who seeking for extravagant life sure will aim higher and wont keep driving the same car one. Why she talked like that one? Like telling the very obvious thing.'

I said

"ya la, the way she talked is like that way, since the day I met her, she already talked like that, because she wants to tell what she wants to say, just that her explanation more length only, like she told me eh eh dont spoiled my things ah, coz if you spoiled my things, I have to pay, and I dont have money to fix my gate, because I want to let my children study all that and have to pay, plus living in KL very expensive you know? Plus my children all still studying....'

She laughed and said

"haha! Really said like that?? So lengthy and mawkish...."

I said

'Yeah she very mawkish one, her daughter told me that she will keep saying the same thing one... like when she ask her daughter to use shampoo wash hair.... then she will keep mentioning one, because forgot she already mentioned.'

She said

'Why her daughter will told you she like that one?'

I said

'Becaue that time I forgot what I told her daughter already, then her daughter said I same like her mum, keep repeating saying the same thing but ownself forgot I already said it. But I feel that Pn Lye already reached that kind of old age already, so the way she talked very mawkish and length, like my grandma also like that, she will explain or expressed the very obvious thing, last time when I was young, during raining, I took her house umbrella immersed with rain water, then keep jumping on the umbrella with the water, then she told me ehhhhh nu nang eng pai wa yer yu shan ahhhhh, lo ho wa ai eng yerrrr, ka deng be sai yeng.... mai eng pai sa ki ah!"

Haha!! Emily asked how old was you? How come you still can remembered her hokkien words by words?

I said

"I was about 8... and it's too long already, I can roughly remembered what she meant only, but dont remember certain words... like what umbrella called in hokkien... but I remembered I was jumping on the umbrella with my sister, so i knew she's mentioning the umbrella, but because umbrella in hokkien is a word not often used, so I cant remembered what it called. I just remembered Pai Sa Ki because she always mentioned that word when I was young."

Okay, anyway,

I am super happy now just because I think of we are friend and think of she told me that

'Eh now I never harm you you know? Because I know that your parents didnt give you a lot of love, so I try to give you a lot of love, like make you feel at home.'

Then every time when she went travelled,

she bought something for me,

and I feel really touching because my heart thinking that even my parents went holiday also never buy things for me, but she unexpectedly bought a lot things for me, and think of because wanted to make me feel that I'm at home.

And, at one time, I still responded her in a rude way and said

"I dont need that kind of love, and I preferred now my family" when she said she wanted to make me feel at home,

she curiously asked me why?

I answered her
"because very noisy and I dont like this kind of family".

but my heart is answering myself in a straight-forward way that I just need comfort life but I dont need love.

I just daren't speak out the word of "comfort life",

so I answered her
"because very noisy when people keep talking to me and I dont like this kind of family."

And also, every time when I went back Malaysia I went her house,

also she let me hit a few time when I cried,

but then, sometimes it became a threaten in the future whenever she verbally defended herself,

she always said that
"ah you dont want believe me I got no choice la, people let you beat a lot some more, you tumbuk here and there, and kick me some more!"LOL! So, she let me beat her also a 'price' behind there.

Okay, have to stop writing now as I'm sleeping with another one.

Hopefully, every night my mood is as good as today,

no more sorrowful stories and no more traumatic flashback,

this is the life I'm seeking for :)

Good night world!