Overanalysed

I often failed to be an unstressed person,

I failed to drum up my energy; failed to materialize my thought, failed to speak for myself, failed to stop my heart from pounding, failed to stop stressing myself and failed to stop weeping when nothing bothers me.

I'm a weirdo indeed, theoretically, I wish to be as cheerful as a lark though.

Just a moment ago,

I even overslept in a restaurant due to overanalysed something when I having my dinner.

At the end, the waitress wake me up shyly and told that the shop is closing.

Yes, she wake me up shyly,

but I'm even shier than her because I even slept in a restaurant and the most terrible thing they are shutting the store.

The waitress woke me up 15 minutes later, I guessed maybe she's overly shy to wake me up during the closing time.

Perhaps,

 I find life harder more than others because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth,

my parents spoon fed me with materials and protections all the way,

thereby when I couldn't accomplish something within my own ability; I felt great deal of forlornness.

Undoubtedly,

there's nothing in this world that I clarissa can't accomplish it,

that is why I feel even exasperating when I know I can't accomplish it.

Sherryn seems like refused to helps me, I notice that because she flatly searching unreasonable reasons despite it's a stuff of lifting a finger.

I'm such a messy and disorganized person,

I have really no choice in myself;

never bath, never clean my house, never wash plates, never do anything throughout the whole day but lying on bed with overanalyse thoughts.

The most horrible way to give vent my anger is to non stop water myself with coffee and tea.

I really hate my life now...

I wish someone could help me ease my pain,

I really felt dead inside,

I wish I could leave this world with no bye with anyone else.

Hopefully, an oncoming flight tragedy will do.

I just eager to leave this world with no pain, or at least a quick pain to end my life :(

I don't wanna drag my inner pain for so long,

I don't wanna hate her till the day I die out, I don't wanna remember the trauma till the day I am old,

it still have many years to go, I don't wish the pain will tack me forever.

The trauma is so painful instead of so-so painful; most of the time were swelling or having fracture pain.

the accumulation of all these traumatic incidents painted a permanent withering world for me,

I don't want this life, I really don't want this life !

She's cruel and I ought to be crueler than her,

those wounds were painful for me and I wanted to paint the pain doubly for her too.

I knew it's unfair for her, but it's even more unfair for me,

I bear the quadruple unfairness more than her, undertook 5 years of traumatic life, carried the damnable pictures in my heart all the way, went through 5 years of sleepless night and even started to rely the bloody pills since the day my deep down began to sick.

No matter what,

I wanted to let her her holds no peace in her life as a little compensation for me.

I know I'm cruel, but thanks for the unmerciful facts that lead me tougher and shape me into what I am today...