Once and never recovered

I thought anything happened in the past should be kept quiet;

it neither can be solved or heard; it only troubled people's ears.

Yesterday,

I went to a dinner with cousin as usual,

on the way we drove back to home,

we laughed and talked a lot.

In the midst of the conversation,

I told her

"Do you know aunt suddenly told me she is smiling outside and dying inside?"

She asked

'Oh do you mean she said herself or she said you?'

I said

'She said herself, but why you asked like that? Do I looked like one? Yesterday I just have a drink with Emily, she said I also looked like one.'

She answered me

"yes, I think you look like that type of person, apparently happy-go-lucky, but crying inside ones."

I asked her

'Why do you said so? What make you feel I'm this type of person?"

She said

"Because you never and ever told me about your unhappiness before, so I think you are that type of person whom keep everything in heart, and cried alone type."

Then I said

"yeah I admit, I'm that type of person, I went to the psychic with my friend, the psychic said I am this type of person, but how you know?"
She said

'Because I'm that type of person who can tell people's personality from the way a person's talk and behaved, because I see you laughed a lot and never heard you mention anything unhappy before. So I can tell you are that type of person.'

I said

'Yeah, actually I grown up unhappily, I have a lot of trauma and negative experience."

She said

'yeah I just want to ask you about this, I can guess you have a lot sorrow in heart, but dont know what's that.'

I asked

"How you guess out first?"

She said

'Because last time we went Taiwan with you, I saw you everyday ate medicine, but dont know what medicine is that, only know is for sleeping ones, so I think it relates with your past."

I said 

"yes I certainly have problems and was really unhappy for my upbringing, I am not sure what caused and shaped me what I am today, but I could tell the main two things that traumatize me, just dont know what is the main cause only."

She said

'What is the first and second?"
I said

"First, I dont like the way my mum treated me since young, and even until now, like sometimes I wanted to buy things, she put my preference at last position, like foods favour or clothing favour, which makes me feel that I'm being abandoned in the family, and my choice is disrespected, and I'm not the favourite child. Like the clothes that would be wearing on my body, my mum said ask my eldest sis, the durian ice cream that I wanna eat, she told me no ones wanted to eat Durian, or youngest brother dont want eat durian. Sort of things like this.'

She said

'Har.... why your mum want you to ask your sis for what you want to eat and what you want to wear? Did you ask her?'

I said

'Yes, she said because they like it, or other dresses are prettier."

She said

'But your mum look like got love you.'

I said

'yes she did, in the past, she is even worse, now she get better, but still makes me quite upset. So, it make me really depressed and unhappy in heart in the journey I grown up.'

She said

'Did you tell her properly about your feeling? Such as telling her everyone got different food and clothing taste?'

I said

'Yes I told her, she remembered instantaneously, but old habit recurred the next time, so I just told myself, well, this is my mum, no matter how she is still her and cant changed, so I just cried today and forget tomorrow."

She asked

'So what is the second thing?'

I said 

'Second thing is I have a lot of abused experience since young, it happened repetitively and powerlessly. So, it makes me really depressed, I feel that I cant beat the shadow, and feel the world is unfair, I'm born to taken advantage by others.'

She said

'Oh yeah I know the teacher case, your high school teacher abused you ones right?'

I said

'Actually not only her, before I met her, a few adults mistreated me before, so I became really hurt and feel sad a lot in heart that I'm vulnerable, and born to be bullied. Sometimes, even when driving, when I thought about childhood experience I would cried.'

She said

'Hey but I think like this is not good ones, you should speak out, as tension release, maybe tell me more, I am willing to listen.'

I said

'Actually I'm really fine, after I cried, then I totally a normal person already, so I've used to this type of repetitively life, but sometimes I would uncontrollably dropped tears in public, like one day, my father told us that we three sisters followed mom in shopping, then immediately, without thinking much, I straight dropped tears in public for 30 minutes, like can't control that type, then became really depressed, because I already know my mum completely wont buy things for me ones, so I just keep on sit alone and wait them shop.'

She said 

'Cant believe your life is so pathetic, it must be really painful, actually last time I also experienced the sleepless experience as you, but just due to exam stress, during standard 5 and standard 6, not that serious as you until since young until now, I think your case is accumulated ones.... I think is both sides caused problem, one side came from family, and another side came from teacher that side..."

I said

'To be honest, I also dont know what the main cause of my sleeplessness, but what I clear in my heart is I feel that I came from inadequate family and social environment, at home, mum bullied, at school, teacher bullied, so I really unhappy for the negative experience I went through.'

She said

'Heyy I think you should speak out to someone, like to pour out your heart, if not you will get depression ones...'

I said

'If silence would tripped me into depression, then I early already had it."

She said

'What medication are you taking now?'

I said

'Calming pill."



She stared at me with her big eyes and asked me

'Calming pill? Are you serious? Why doctor gave you calming pill? If you taking calming pill means you have depression now.'

I said

'No I am not depression, but just I would went into deep sadness without solid reasons, like I told you, cried for 30 minutes when my father asked me to followed my mum in shopping, means feel really sad and unwanted to stick to her. And another thing is I always feel that people wanted to take me for granted due to many negative experience with adults when I was a child, so my heart became really sorrowful for what had happened. I'm quiet for what it happened, but apparently I am optimistic when dealing with others.'
she said
'I think you better spoke it out everything as stress release, if not really will get depression ones... you can tell me everything that you feel unhappy and I'm willing to listen. Try to minimize your medication intake, I think its because you accumulate all those sadness in your heart and never vent your emotions, so it became deep hurt inside.'
I said
'Yeah I went to psychic with my friend, the psychic told me that mine is cold hurt (Han Shang) and deep hurt (zhong shang), and she knew everything that happened to me even I kept quiet during the whole consultation.'




By the way, whatever it is,
I think that besides than I knew what it happened,
the only one whom knew it is God,
the invisible eyes which look at us on the sky.
Now, I became less trusted towards my frenemy,
I realized that she will exposed my thoughts to anyone and knew what I'm thinking,
therefore, I decided to stop writing to her to privatize my thoughts.
Yet,
I became less hatred her, but somehow the hurts are still there in the deep down.
I know, no ones can cure this "once and never recovered" hurts,
and I allowed this hurt to stay in my heart,
and just let it be as eternal as it wish to dwell in my heart.



I don't mind and I can accommodate this pain for eternity;
as long as my safety ain't been threatened,
I'm alright with that, I don't need her extra blessing and praying for me,
because I can't feel the blessed and safe at all time,
I just feel that whenever I seen her, the unknown phobia and deepest trauma are still with me,
but I've somehow used to it this kind of treatment and environment.
As long as I'm still in this earth,
it's my bonus from the God.