The farthest memories

Sometimes,

I asked myself what is the farthest memory or memories that I have?

Why I could remembered but why she seemed like couldn't remember anything.

She spoke to me that she didn't beat me in school everyday,

and she even dare to swear to God like she never,

at times,

I'm thinking is she merely telling lies or she really couldn't remember?

Thus,

I google search the question
"Can people remember things they done few years ago"

and it answered

"Research showed that according to children development, adults have memory since they are 10, likewise, people can remember events that happened after 10 years old."

Whereas,

others are sad, some people could remember the most hurtful tragic as young as not even two years old.

Now,

I was wondering that why she couldn't remembered what had happened between us and insist telling me that she didn't.

It even hurt me more because she claimed that she didn't and said I'm telling lies,

I was thinking that it's enough that she don't admit, but it's even more miserable if she accused me that I'm lying, when she is lying.

Sometimes,

I wonder how bad and how kind she is?

Why a kindest person could possess a worst heart at the same time?

What to say in a position of as a teacher?

I cant believe that my life trauma lay on the schooling experience,

when I was as young as primary school years,

I wish to grow up as soon as possible to reduce the pains that I possessed,

I thought being an adult could make me protect myself more,

I thought when I reached 13, I could gain more freedom, be less controlling in the eyes of adults,

I thought being older could bring me escape from abuse and more incline towards freedom,

now I began the phrase of early adulthood - i am establishing independence and intimacy towards myself,

but then I'm still a prisoner to my childhood, a little prisoner whom struggled with the memories of daily abuse, I attempted to draw a new life in my world,

but I end up re-encounter the same damn thing,

to be frankly, I really don't like myself,

don't like the damn fated things that I gone through;

but I know, we can choose our friends, but we can't choose the family and environment that are bestowed naturally.
I looked perfect apparently but it's devastated inside,

I have an attracting eyes shape; good nose shape, abundant lips and model-like face shape,

but then a bleeding heart that make me experience heart-wrenching everyday.

Shadow, I loathe it so much...

When I can remove it from my life?

I hate the silent scream in the midnight,

I wish I could left this world silently without letting anyone have preparation,

so that people won't worry me before I leave this world.

Sometimes, I think of letting myself leave this world by suffering from sleeps deprivation,

I feel that since my medication is finishing,

why not just let it finish and don't take it anymore,

until the day I fainted anywhere after few days stop eaten it,

I really wish that I could faint and leave this world,

it's too indescribable suffering; I don't want to be a pretty woman but ugly in my life experience.

I wish to faint and go,

please Lord, I really wish to walk out this earth and reincarnate this same identity,

but without this trauma.

Can I?