Clarissa Ngoh. Powered by Blogger.

Fear of Losing Someone You Love

Posted on November 28, 2012 by Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
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Fear of losing someone you love is a common fear. (Or something happening to someone you love.) These fears comes from a great love. The fear is love. But once you realize the love, and take action on that, there is no point to the fear. Fear is immobilizing, love is energizing.
Remember, the biological reason for fear is to get us to act, after the action, the fear is pointless. (Worse than pointless, as it hurts you.)Fear of Losing Someone You Love
In this article, I am going to share something that will hopefully change this fear. At first, we fear losing something because everything is impermanent. Everything changes. But there is one thing important we neglect when we fear impermanence. Here it is:

Even Loss is Impermanent

This, too, passes.
Old friends reconnect, forgive. A late mother’s adages are remembered. Memories of connection come to our minds. And many of us believe in an afterlife where we will join our loved ones again.
In this tangled web of life, we are all connected. Our minds, hearts and souls are in sync with the world around us. When we are not connected to that world–when we feel separate–it is often expressed in mental health problems.
Anxiety, anger and depression come from a sense of disconnection. Anxietymakes us afraid of where we are are going; that we could lose something, miss an opportunity, or be inadequate. It makes us fear losing someone we love. We have to think we are separate, or different, to feel this way. Depression makes us feel bereft, isolated, left out, unloved and like we don’t belong anywhere–separate. Anger comes from a sense of injustice that happened to us–it stems from an “us-them” mentality.
All of these are in our mind. We create a world where we are separate and don’t belong, and victimized and then we feel worse and worse. Where, in reality, this makes us blind to the love we do have in our lives, blind to the people who care about us, and blind to our own contributions in life. This is lose-lose.

Take Action. Reduce Fear

There are many ways to take action instead of being immobilized by fear. For example: spend time with the person, tell them you love them, show them you love them, keep them company, offer them help, and thank them. All of these actions will help you feel more connected and lessen the fear.

Fear of Losing Someone You Love

If we remembered that we are connected, our hearts would warm and our grief would ease. When we bring to mind the unbreakable bonds between us and a loved one, as well as the influence those have had on our life, the fear of loving someone you love would decrease.
People are afraid it is too late. It is never too late. Even if someone dies–the relationship–the influence goes on, and so we can do something. As long as the “relationship” is there, we can mold it, and make new meaning around it. (Meaning that includes connection rather than loss. Meaning that includes positive self identity of love and caring.)
This makes all the difference in how we feel: bereft or connected.
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Don't panic - there are plenty of media jobs

By Margaret Simons
Posted Thu 3 Oct 2013, 7:03am AEST
Media students are still finding jobs, even as older journalists are made redundant.PHOTO: Media students are still finding jobs, even as older journalists are made redundant. (ABC News)
If being a journalist meant working in a traditional newsroom, the next generation would have reason to be concerned. But it doesn't and they don't, writes Margaret Simons.
Rachel Buchanan's new book Stop Press is a valuable contribution to thinking about journalism today. However, I couldn't disagree more with the section that was extracted in The Age last week in which she claimed that journalism educators are committing a kind of fraud because of the many redundancies in the industry.
There are a number of reasons why I disagree. The most powerful is simply that graduates of journalism degrees are finding jobs
It is true, as Buchanan catalogues, that few of these jobs are in the large newsrooms. In fact, most of the jobs my own students have taken up did not exist five years ago.
Several are working for online publications playing to specialist audiences. They are working for new media entrepreneurs, including those who have broken through to commercial success. Some are managing the social media presence of media outlets and other organisations operating in new media. Some are getting jobs in regional and suburban media. A couple are working as assistants to freelance journalists with international markets and book contracts.
The skills they need to hold these jobs are a mixture of old and new. Clear writing and thorough research are as important as ever, but the new generation of journalism workers also needs to understand online publication, and be social media savvy and multimedia skilled. Often, these journalists need to be able to operate as self-sufficient publishers, as well as part of an organisation.
There are a number of reasons why such students are finding jobs, even as older journalists are made redundant.
First, the barriers to entry to the media business have dropped away. There is a new start-up every week. Most do not survive for long, but a substantial number become small sustainable businesses, each employing a modest staff. Think Crikey, Business Spectator (now owned by News Corporation), Mumbrella, RenewEconomy and many, many others. The majority of journalistic jobs in Australia are now in small operations employing fewer than half a dozen people. These operations fly beneath the radar of "old school" journalists.
Another reason there are plenty of jobs is that in the modern world, most large organisations are in some sense media outlets, because they have websites. Some are self-consciously engaging in journalistic practice, and they need skilled recruits.
We can argue about the blurring line between PR and journalism. That is an important debate, now as ever. But the people working for outlets as various as the AFL, The Conversation, Human Rights Watch and a host of others are surely doing journalistic work, even if the motivation of their employers includes a species of brand management.
In this fast changing world we need to move beyond old divisions, and try to think clearly about what matters in journalism as it has been practiced, and how to preserve and evolve reporting of integrity. Part of this involves an acceptance that journalism is being done in many places that are not traditional media organisations.
In my experience, old style journalists tend to conflate two questions that are actually quite separate.
First, there is the question of how to preserve and evolve the kind of quality investigative journalism traditionally done in large newsrooms. There are no easy answers - though academic journalism departments should, through their research, be part of finding the way forward.
But the question of whether there are jobs in journalism is a quite separate issue with a much easier answer. There are plenty of jobs, but they are not where they used to be. It is a rare week in which I don't take a call from an organisation or individual seeking to recruit our students.
But even leaving all this aside, there are other reasons why journalism educators can be proud of their work.
Many of those who sign up for undergraduate journalism degrees don't necessarily plan to be journalists. Postgraduate journalism students, as befits their age and greater life experience, tend to be more vocationally focused - but the numbers are smaller in these classes.  
And I'll let you in to a secret. The majority of law graduates never practice law. The majority of graduates from Masters of Business Administration never administer a business. Many accountancy graduates do not become accountants. Many psychology graduates never become clinical psychologists. Yet nobody suggests that because of this, their teachers are frauds or the degrees worthless.
Some analyses by old school reporters suggest that universities, in this field but apparently no other, should ignore the burgeoning demand for these degrees and turn away the many students seeking these skills and qualifications. That universities should pretend that we know better than the smart young people seeking our services.
What a strange idea, particularly as universities are being encouraged to think in a more business-like fashion. Should universities also turn away applicants to enter degrees in the performing arts, because few will make it on to stage and screen? Or close down creative writing degrees, because few will become authors?
It is an odd kind of journalistic self obsession to believe that only one vocational outcome legitimizes the study of the practice.
A good degree in journalism or media and communications provides a useful set of skills and understandings. It has even been suggested that in our increasingly media-enabled world, it is the modern equivalent of an old fashioned classics degree - essential to a full understanding of modern culture.
There is some evidence that journalism graduates do better in the general job market than graduates from generic Bachelor of Arts degrees. We shouldn't be surprised. A moment's reflection tells us the value of skills in clear communication and fast research from primary sources.
At the same time, as mainstream media takes fewer trainees, tertiary journalism courses not only teach skills but also pass on and evolve the ethical and professional norms as the practice of journalism fragments and spreads.
For all these reasons and more, a quality journalism degree is fine thing to have, and a good thing to teach.
Margaret Simons is the Director of the Centre for Advancing Journalism and the convener of the Master of Journalism at the University of Melbourne. View her full profile here.
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Just a moment ago,
I asked Jerry in a very depressive voice
'Do you think my IETLS will get roughly how many marks according to my ability? I dont know how many marks will I get because I dont know the standard, my MUET got band 4.'
He asked
'What is MUET?'
I said
'Malaysian University English Test.'
He said
'Oh, I dont know. I just knew IELTS only.'
I said
'Last time how many marks you get?'
He said
'I got 5.5'
I said
'You think I will roughly get how many marks? I scared I cant get into master.'
He said
'You ah... I think around 7.0'
I said
'Got so good? I keep thinking I will get around 6.0, because most of my friends get around 6.0, like you get 5.5 and Serena get 6.5. So I scared I will get around the average like 6.0'
He said
'Because I got a friend who get 7.0 in china, and his ability is almost like you, so I think you will get around 7.0'
I said
'But my grammar very weak.'
He said
'Grammar not a big deal, the most important is you have a strong vocab and understand the context of the questions. You know? Last two days, I asked you help me my editing and publishing assignment, defining what the stories were actually writing about, after you summarized the story, I took your work and showed the lecturer, the lecturer thought it was my work, and he asked me: Since when your English become so good? Hahahaha!'


(I wrote in Microsoft word, wrote what the story meant to Jerry. The lecturer said Jerry's English suddenly became very good because of his strong understanding skill. LOL! My work as below.)


"Jason Jones is a twelve years old boy who dream of to be the ship captain, his strong determination is to save the world and this dream reminds him to be determined all the time. Nonetheless, his schoolmate Leonard told him that ship captain is not the right thing for him to do at this tender age, but love is the right thing to happen at this age. Vividly recalled one of the time, when Jason planned to go surfing at the Cactus beach, but his deep down homesickness resist him to do so, because he does not want to leave his mum too far away as he missed the mother's love so much. He remembered on one occasion when he went surfing, the sky turned grey and the lightning appeared all of a sudden. The bad fog made him could not see anything at that moment; he was hoping a helicopter rescue to save him in his mind and worrying the shark will bite him on his leg. Somehow, the happy thing was the surfing board seemed to be able to move and speed up forwardly like an engine is driven. But pretty soon, a dramatic transformation appeared again, he was speeding fast yet with no control of his surfing board. He could felt that he was sinking and nothing else above the sea level. Ultimately, he was drowned into the vast ocean nevertheless he had the oddest feeling that he was not lonesome. The main value of the story is describing about the surfing passion of a twelve years old."




I laughed and said
'Hahahaha! Really? Who is that lecturer?'
He said
'My editing and publishing lecturer, he thought is my work, he asked me since when your english become so good?'
I said
'So straight forward?'
He said
'Yes, they Caucasian are like that ones... very straight forward. He said the work I did very good, and praised I got a very high understanding ability because he said I got large vocabulary skill to grasp the meaning of the content. Then I was smiling, but I never tell him that is your work.'

I said
'So you really think I can get 7.0 for my IELTS?'
He said
'Of course can, according to your ability. Because I got a lot of friends also got take IELTS, so I can roughly guess the standard. Plus your speaking skill maybe can get 7.5, so your overall mark maybe is 7.0'
I said
'But my listening skill not good. I easily distracted.'
He said
'Listening no need to worry, they got repeat twice ones...'
I said
'Oh then same with MUET lo... last time I took MUET also got repeat twice 1... My listening skill scored full marks in MUET....'
He said
'You scored full marks for your listening skill in MUET, why you still think your listening skill not good?'
I said
'I can understand what people talking about, but when sometimes people start talking already, I still daydreaming, so I scared I cant hear and loss my marks.'
he said
'Listening dont worry, they got repeat ones... as long as you understand the content, then you can get full marks. But for us China student, haiz.... we heard clearly, but no one sentence understand. That is the problem! Hahaha!'
When Jerry said that,
I can't stop laughing. LOL!
I said
'Really got people like that ones?'
He said
'Not got people like that, is everyone of us like that in China... we were very attentive to the speaker, but cant understand. But you are different, you are inattentive, but when the speaker repeat for second time, you still can heard and understand.'
I said
'Yes yes, that is why I can scored full marks for my listening test in MUET. But I just scared I day dream only, because for example when I heard the answer already, then I wrote down already, I am waiting the next questions and start to day dream, then when the speaker start reading out the next question already, I still day dreaming, I scared this thing will happen.'
He said
'This one you really no need to worry, because when comes to exam, you will definitely behave more attentive ones, that is human's nature response to exam. Haha!'
I said
'Got repeat is good lah, I scared no repeat only.'
He said
'Sure got repeat ones... So many candidates sitting for the exam, how if people never heard for the first time? So as a rule, they have repeat, dont worry about this.'
I said
'But you really think I can get 7.0? I scared I get 6.0.... because the entry requirement for University of New South Wales is 6.5, I scared I cant enter.'
He said
'Told you d, dont worry, your standard can get 7.0, the worst case is 6.5, and your speaking and writing skill is good, I think you get 7.5 also possible.'
I laughed and said
'That is impossible. Haha! The full mark is 9.0.... impossible people get 7.5, unless people from oxford university....'
He said
'Ya, my friend highest is 7.0 only... but that consider very high already... my meaning is your speaking and writing skill can improve your mark. The range is 1-9, so can get 7.0 consider very professional already, you know my friend from China, some get 4.0, some get 3.0, even 2 point something one also got.'
I said
'Then why are they now?'
He laughed and said
'They are still in China, cannot come. Haha! Because not enough of point, especially journalism like you, at least 6.0 for bachelor degree, even me 5.5 also cannot enter, only can study Bachelor of English only. Haha!'







When Jerry said that,
I really can't stop laughing. LOL!
He is giving me such a funny example,
he said himself band 5.5 only,
cannot study journalism so just enter Bachelor of English.
I asked
'So what is the entry requirement for Bachelor of English?'
He said
'5.5, I just merely enough point to get into Bachelor of English. If my point lesser than that, I think even Bachelor of English also cant enter. Maybe go for Bachelor of Education in early childhood only, that one 5.0 can enter already.' 
I laughed and said
'Why you are looking down yourself lower and lower? hahahaa! So funny!'
He said
'No, my meaning is your English already considered very good when compared to other people, if your English not good, I think you journalism also cannot enter in the first place. They wont give you offer letter if you dont hit the entry requirement. So my meaning is no need worry about your English, even for entry requirement of Master.' 


I said
'I dont know why I still very worry about my English even a lot people said my English very good.'
He said
'Ya, from the first day I talked to you in orientation, I already knew your English very good, better than those normal Malaysians. And who told you your English is good?'
I said
'My father and my mother told me, my mum's sister told my mother... and my father's sister told me, and my cousins told me, and last time my foundation English lecturer told me. But for my own opinion, I dont think my English is good, because since young until now, I never go and purposely learn English, I never read a lot.'
He asked
'If you never read a lot, then how you know so many rare words?'
I said
'I dont know, haha! Many people also asked me this questions, my ex boyfriend also asked me how come I seldom read, but know so many words? But the truth is I knew those rare words from newspaper, when  read it the first time maybe I cannot remembered, but when I saw the second time then I remembered already.'
He said
'Yes, that is also considered read a lot already, newspaper got so many words, dont know how many millions words per sheet. In china, people dont read English newspaper, talk to people also dont talk in English.'




After a mark suggestion of band score '7.0' from Jerry,
I still very worry for the poor achievement and thus I go Google searched
'How many marks would I get for IELTS'
LOL!
I typed that and it pop out the average marks based on self-evaluation for IELTS test,

Listening
Band scoreRaw score out of 40
516
623
730
835
Academic Reading
Band scoreRaw score out of 40
515
623
730
835
General Training Reading
Band scoreRaw score out of 40
415
523
630
734


seems like Jerry really didn't bluff me,
I think my standard is around band score 7.0,
because based on the 'all the way' English tests since secondary school till my University foundation year,
I usually scored around 32 per 40 questions.
So now I really can put down the stone in my heart,
I think Jerry really didn't bluff me,
Google also came out I will get around 7.0 for my IELTS,
and I know I wouldn't get below 30 out of 40 questions.
So now I really can trust myself that I will get at least 7.0 for my IELTS.
Okay!
Now I really have faith to get entry into the University of New South Wales already :)
Hope this blog post everyday remind me not to worry about this!





Seems like I just like what Kaima always said me,
the one who 'always worry the unnecessary things',
LOL!
Kaima always said I worry about something which unlikely to happen,
such as get unemployed in the future.
Kaima said
'Ehhhh.... Australia graduate leh.... where scared no jobs? Some more if you think of those local university graduate leh, even worst. Who wants to hire them if you have the 3 years overseas degree? Some more you going for Master leh, impossible no job for you. So dont worry about a thing which impossible to happen.'
And Serene also said the almost same thing like Kaima,
Serena laughed and said
'Eh, I really dont know what are you afraid? Why you so scared no job? Now your family very poor meh? The most if you really really unemployed, then eat at home and dont go out eat lah, so simple only, you scared no rice to eat meh? I really dont know what thing affecting you now.'
And now,
Jerry even said
'Eh Clarissa I really dont know where your worries come from? Your English so strong, 100% you wont be underachievement like failing a English test, why you go and worry this insignificant thing? Do you feel that your English will failed? So what are you afraid now? I really dont understand.'
And Sherryn said
'As I said, no need worry so much, just wait and see since that day still havent arrive, why you go and worry something havent happen and also something unlikely to happen?'



Now,
I really doubting the severity of my insecurity.
One, two, three, four! Four persons saying the same thing but in different situation,
am I worry too much?
Just like the best example Jerry asked me
'Do you think there is a possibility you will fail in your English test? I really dont understand where your source of worry came from?'









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Now,
my deep down having a sort of deep compunction for possibly blamed the wrong person for the secret leakage,
I can't bear such a strong guiltiness in this late midnight,
he being blamed and scolded by me innocently.
When I confronted him and asked him why he betrayed me,
he was like
'Clar, really not me, please trust me, I really never tell me.'
And, at that moment I was in a furious state,
I said
'Not you still got who? Everyone told me it was you.'
He said
'Really not me. Maybe she told pl, and pl is the one who leak out.'
I said
'You dont try to bluff, Pn Lye dont even know this, I knew its you. I just feel like whenever I near you one second, I am harming myself for two seconds.'
*And then hang up the phone call that way and blocked him in facebook and think of not to talk to this person any more.



Till now,
I still couldn't be able to figure out who is the person who uncorked this secret,
but when facing the logical aspect,
I think the leaker might be Pn Lye and maybe not hk,
but he just get scolded unreasonably and innocently.
From his voice,
it sounds like the leaker wasn't him,
because the person who blurt out this secret is an old aunty who has a pretty old age,
it much look like Pn Lye's peer circle.



Sigh,
just feel like my life is a mess now,
I trusted enemy and instead distrusted the person who loved me.
I felt so puzzled and overwhelmed over this issue now.
this secret leakage drove me mad and over pressure.
I knew it's the matter of trust,
I knew she wouldn't betray me.
Jesus, please help me.
I don't want to hate her any more.
I feel so exhausted over this long-run resentment,
let me have a breathable space as well as rights to know what I have had encountered on that day.
I really need to know,
if not, I will just brush off this life.








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3 assignments have to be completed within 2 weeks time.
One word - stress!
My home country, here I come again. 
Now what I going to do is to burn midnight oil again,
no choice...
Australian standard isn't a piece of cake,
but hard work will pay off eventually.





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