Now,

I began to worry about the fear,

I keep looking at the ticking clock; worrying the time when she gets back home,

worrying the time when she holding the letter and reading my words,

assumed she goes back at 3:30 pm, still left 4 hours and 20 minutes to go,

I'm worrying the moment when she read it or saw it,

I worry her decision, I worry she'll laugh at me when she saw the letter,

I worry she laugh at my shyness or lack of courage,

I guess she'll laugh loudly when she saw it but she wouldn't knows how much courage I used to complete that action and it took me a lot of time in the process of writing; 

I keep on reread the sentences I wrote to avoid blurting out inappropriate words,

because I knew once I wrote out or blurt out from my mouth,

there's no chance to retrieve the spoken words,

due to don't have liquid paper, I cancelled a lot of inappropriate words.

I don't really know whether this decision is right or not,

but I told myself that

'Once I sent it then I have to confront the truth'

But now I think I dare not confront the moment, dare not face-to-face look at her,

dare not ask her the questions I wanted to know,

I regretted for what I speak, regretted that I had sent it,

regretted that someone asked me to be courageous,

regretted that I being persuaded by someone's encouragement who asked me not to feel fear,

I regretted my previous thinking which is 'sent it first, when I see her then cant evade any more'.

Yes, I am not valiant in this circumstance,

the only way to succeed in conquering my fear is to do it by this way.

sent it when she wasn't around,

even it's a very tiny action, but it took me a lot of courages and time,

it took me several days to complete that tiny action,

at the worst,

I dare not sent it myself despite she wasn't around.

I don't know what I afraid of and what I evade of,

anyway I keep telling myself

'I dont care, I want to know means I want to know. Even its embarrass, but I still want to do it.'

So tired to post and write anything right now,

tonight feeling would be so disappointing as I'm still thinking negative aspect of her.

I'm trying to pull myself out of this pitfall by treating her good.

I thought this is the only way to heal my wound,

but I feel like I am so wrong,

the feeling of hatred still didn't get rid from my soul.

I hate her, I still hate her,

no matter how I told myself not to hate her, 

or no matter how I asked myself to treat her good,

I'm still hate her and remember this hate in my daily lives,

her images still non stop popping out from my mind.

What to do?

So tired now, it's time to sleep.

Tomorrow,

last visit to her house in the early morning before I fly back to Australia in the evening.

Good night world...