Fear and worry

Now,

I began to worry about the fear,

I keep looking at the ticking clock; worrying the time when she gets back home,

worrying the time when she holding the letter and reading my words,

assumed she goes back at 3:30 pm, still left 4 hours and 20 minutes to go,

I'm worrying the moment when she read it or saw it,

I worry her decision, I worry she'll laugh at me when she saw the letter,

I worry she laugh at my shyness or lack of courage,

I guess she'll laugh loudly when she saw it but she wouldn't knows how much courage I used to complete that action and it took me a lot of time in the process of writing; 

I keep on reread the sentences I wrote to avoid blurting out inappropriate words,

because I knew once I wrote out or blurt out from my mouth,

there's no chance to retrieve the spoken words,

due to don't have liquid paper, I cancelled a lot of inappropriate words.

I don't really know whether this decision is right or not,

but I told myself that

'Once I sent it then I have to confront the truth'

But now I think I dare not confront the moment, dare not face-to-face look at her,

dare not ask her the questions I wanted to know,

I regretted for what I speak, regretted that I had sent it,

regretted that someone asked me to be courageous,

regretted that I being persuaded by someone's encouragement who asked me not to feel fear,

I regretted my previous thinking which is 'sent it first, when I see her then cant evade any more'.

Yes, I am not valiant in this circumstance,

the only way to succeed in conquering my fear is to do it by this way.

sent it when she wasn't around,

even it's a very tiny action, but it took me a lot of courages and time,

it took me several days to complete that tiny action,

at the worst,

I dare not sent it myself despite she wasn't around.

I don't know what I afraid of and what I evade of,

anyway I keep telling myself

'I dont care, I want to know means I want to know. Even its embarrass, but I still want to do it.'