22's troubles
I promised myself, on the first day of this oncoming Winter,
I gonna be really really diligent for my last undergraduate life; not to bother the extra relationship troubles (whether they are my ex or current pursuers) or either the very complicated future orientation.
Just wanna be a 22 years old who are super free-and-easy, no momentary worries but with abundance of happy memories.
Have been going through the up-and-downs and living in a hectic life recently,
attended classes in the early morning (sometimes cant get up at all due to overly exhausted), insufficient of cashes to pay the living debts (just got SMS reminder today to pay $2000 for my rental before I received the termination letter), heaps of assignments which seems like impossible to complete within the given date (not because I didnt do it, it's because the crazy wordings amount and disgusting reading) and busy for settling my postgraduate stuffs (writing appeal letter, paying application fees, submission of result, finding future accommodation, dealing with education agent, estimating living costs and even survey about the career licensing stuff).
I think I really need a short break, I mean not in term of mini-getaway, but just resting on my bed. LOL!
The occurrence of night terrors signified that I needed more rest in order to proceed the longer journey,
has been dreamed of two ladies in these few days - one is my enemy and another one is my own mum (usually wont dream of her).
Sub-conscious telling me that I have to really deal with the facts rather than hiding in my deep down forever,
I think it gonna must be something to do with my trust to her, I even dreamed that when I talked in the phone and suddenly she passed by me (I thought she wanna attack me just because she hold something), which resulted in a undoubted defense. LOL!
Then she said
"Haiz! Dont trust me again! People wanna sweep floor, you everyday...."
(Although the dream content sounds so ridiculous but I even woke up in a terrified manner and my eyes starred at the ceiling horribly)
And,
I always have odd dreams that I dreamed of my house in the dream was my old house in the real life, and her house in my dream was a particular house at my old house's region - the third house from the corner lot down the hill, and this dream had occurred repetitively with the almost similar contents.
- One of my bestie hold my shoulder, walked behind me and lead me to her house just for disturbing fun.
- I rode bicycle to her place and promised my younger brother that I'm going her house but come back quickly in order to fetch him to somewhere else, but before I reach her place, I was terrified and woke up like a nightmare instead of an 'excursion'.
- she is living next to my dream house, I became a flies and flied into her house and disturbed her house things, and then flew out quickly, but she knew that I came and disturbed due to someone told her, so she got angry, she took cane and rushed towards me on road and screaming loudly in the crowd (one of the teacher's son got married and throwing wedding party at the neighborhood), and then Judy asked me what happened, why I ran so fast, she calmed me down, I said "Pn Lye... Pn Lye... Pn Lye wanna beat me!", and then I decided not to afraid of her, I ran toward her and grabbed her cane and threw miles away! LOL!
Regarding I dreamed of mother's dream,
it's super duper weird and awkward,
I even dreamed of one of my relatives was my mother in the dream (my father's second sister),
although she has no money but able to show me unconditional love, LOL!
I dreamed that our house don't have extra cars for me to drive (due to the poor financial circumstance),
and I flatly wanna go Pn Lye house,
I going through extreme despair and tantrum for unable to go Pn Lye's house,
then she even felt so bad for herself for doesn't has the ability to provides a car in the family (she keep quiet),
then I take things too hard and attempted to commit suicide, thinking that I don't wanna survive in this world any more.
I took a lift and went up to the peak of building and attempted suicide,
but before I die, I wanna try different kinds of foods at the building,
and when I opened up my purse, I suddenly realized that although our family are poor, but somehow I still have a lot of cash, just don't have a car.
During ordering,
I pointing at a lot of foods and said
"I want this one, this one, this one... and that one...."
At that moment,
I really feel that actually our family still consider capable but just not rich as real-life.
And at the time, I'm paying money,
my mother in the dream even phoned me and said
'Huay Ching, I already bought a new car, you can go teacher's house already....'
(she even used the saving in her bank and bought a car for me, LOL)
That makes me feel so touching and cried in the dream till I woke up.
The second dream that I dreamed of my mom is I was a kid and I cried in the dream,
the dream back to the olden days like how my mum treated me,
she even ignored me when I was crying, didn't cool me down from crying, but instead walk away.
I can't remembered what she did to me in dream (but I can tell it's about money matter),
and I was a baby in the dream (about 2-3 years old), I even sat the walker and bang the wall by myself.
And the weirdest thing is she also cried in the dream due to unable to control her emotions.
LOL! I don't know why I dreamed that and it's a weird dream though.
Somehow,
I always dreamed that I'm having financial dispute with my mom in dream,
don't know why, even I didn't think about her during the days.
Perhaps, daily lives memories have invaded my sub-conscious,
sometimes I really disagree her irrationality towards the view of finance,
sometimes, during the process of falling asleep in the midnight,
those disputes will unconsciously flow into my mind even I didn't try to think about her,
I will automatically recalled the scenes daddy buying a watch for me,
without looking at the quality of a stuff, she will look at the price tag and spontaneously find the cheapest one for me,
and also think about the time she chose the cheapest air fare ticket regardless of its quality (Air asia economy and dont care my suffering although I've told her the very terrible experience and explained to her I'm an insomnia person, I told her that not say I didnt try before and straight say cannot, it's I tried it already and told her the experience).
Sometimes, I will feel sad for these sort of things; thinking that I'm an unimportant one in my eyes of my parents and even develop a stereotyped feeling within myself that "People is harming me".
But fortunately, one of the time daddy had inspired me about something,
thing happened at KL, the time when we were choosing our own dinner gowns at Bangsar,
I saw an irresistible gown which I really love it, but non of other gowns in the boutique,
eldest sis and mom keep on asked me not to buy and claimed that it wasn't nice (but I personally know it's based on price factor),
when they were testing their own gowns in the fitting room,
daddy told me
"This one nice, just pick this.'
Then I looked teary, I said
'I feel that every time people wanna harm me, they dont want me to get that particular thing so just tell me not nice, especially Er Jie, she always like that ones, the things that are nice, she always said not nice, and the things that are not nice, she said are nice.'
Daddy told me
"If you dont want people to harm you then you just make your own decision, if you insist to choose the things you like then they can't harm you already... Because everyone got own taste."
Then I said
"But just now, they clearly said it's nice, then said very expensive, then said not nice at the end."
LOL! Daddy laughed Ha one sound and said
'Ahhhh, then if you really listen to them and really put back, you not own self harm own self? So, if you dont want people to harm you, you just make your own decision, understand?'
After that inspiring conversation,
I began to learned independence and know the brilliant knack to protect myself,
having the motto that
"If I make my own decision, no ones can harm me"
even in Australia,
I usually bought the things that I like without the opinions of others,
this make me more creative, less indecisive, independent and even more care-free :)
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