Clarissa Ngoh. Powered by Blogger.

Why journalism can be a hard profession to master

  • NIC CHRISTENSEN
  • THE AUSTRALIAN
  • APRIL 18, 2012 12:00AM
  • Print
  • Save for later
120418hied
Flint Duxfield, UTS postgraduate journalism student, says his postgrad study was essential to getting a job at the ABC. Picture: News Limited Source: The Australian
FLINT Duxfield is one of a record 800 people enrolled in a postgraduate journalism degree.
Four years ago, the 30-year-old quit his job to pursue journalism through the University of Technology, Sydney's postgraduate program.
"I was working in the non-profit sector and doing a number of media interviews. I realised I would rather be doing the interviewing myself," he said.
Now in the final stage of his masters degree, Duxfield said his postgraduate study was essential to getting his job with the ABC. "I definitely got a lot of technical skills. I also got a better appreciation for the way news is distributed and what is needed in terms of news values," said Duxfield, now the acting executive producer of the South Australian Country Hour.
Alan Knight, head of the Graduate School of Journalism at UTS, said the growth in postgraduate journalism studies, up by 74 per cent since 2001, was driven by many factors.
"Demand is one -- there are a lot of people who want to study journalism and are prepared to pay fees to do so," said Professor Knight.
More than 20 universities offered postgraduate journalism courses, he said. "Universities don't run for profit but every dean at every university is looking for ways to bring in more income. In the case of the humanities, journalism is a good earner."
Universities offering postgraduate courses compete for international and domestic fee-paying students, who are either working journalists seeking higher-level qualification or those with an undergraduate degree wanting to enter the profession. The cost of a masters course ranges from $12,500 to $35,000.
Jenna Price, undergraduate co-ordinator of the UTS journalism major, said she was concerned that most postgraduate programs accepted all comers, bringing the worth of the degrees into question. She said all postgraduate programs should have their admission standards reviewed.
"If you're going to make journalism degrees postgraduate, you must make them at least as selective as the undergraduate degrees," said Ms Price, pointing out that some undergraduate courses compete with fields such as law and medicine for the brightest students.
But Anne Dunn, president of the Journalism Education Association, said applying tougher entry standards could have a negative effect.
"Our market is relatively small, and you would end up with relatively small degrees if you set the bar too high," said Dr Dunn.




Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments


I guessed I might had a good write-up in my Communication and Organization weekly summary 1,
a mixed-up 22 years old girl had slightly poured out her thoughts into assignment.
personal issue had significantly expressed in her assignment,

'Leopard cannot change its spots',

these days this idiom had overused to expressed my anger in blog as well as in text message. 
Once again,
so surprisingly this idiom appeared in my assignment today.
When applying a theory into a corporation's application,
I asserted that it is impossible to change people's attributes because leopard cannot change its spots.
Theorist Frederick Taylor stated that in order to cut cost in an organization,

the best way to attain company's outcome is to recruit employees with best personality instead of implement training course to alter a person's attribute;

even a person try to change their behaviours, at the end they might still failed to change it competely as behaviour is a life-long nature.  
That is why I said leopard cannot change its spots!
Even she think of changed it, but her weakness still express out unconsciously and make me so disappointed.
She just can't behave properly in appropriate setting.

I mean she can, but not in full-time. 


Certainly, nobody is perfect.



* Worries and anxieties had enlaced me for few nights, horrible dark circles floated out notably, flashbacks of harming please go away!


Anyway,
just completed my 1% assignment among the entire course.
My wings feel lighter now, Uni life wasn't bad actually.
The campus ambience is so awesome when compared to Asian uni, 

because it has the unique winter view.





Name: Clarissa, Huay Ching Ngoh

ID: 110108911

Weekly summary 1: Classical Approaches to Organizational Communication




In week 2, we were being lectured about the topic of “Classical Approaches to Organisational Communication”. In this chapter, Taylor’s Theory of scientific management had become the best usage in successful organization. Frederick Taylor (1856-1915) centralized on relationship between manager and workers as well as the administration of the individual at workplace. Based on apprenticeship system, new employees were trained by experienced workers, for an instance, sophisticated managers utilized classical approach which is recruited employees with good personalities because it is much more cost effective to send an employee to behavioural training courses to improve their attributes, and at times, it is impossible to change people’s attributes because leopard cannot change its spots. Thus, it is better to choose a well-rounded individual in an organization. In a brief example, at South West Airlines organization, a top pilot was unemployed due to personality defect such as being rude to a receptionist. Southwest account for technical skills or professionalism is much easier to acquire when compared to interpersonal skills. On the other hand, it is a piece of cake to find someone with job-relevant skills in a film but not someone with right attitudes.


During the tute, we were being assigned to form a group of four and discussed how does the type of organization influences the type of communication it undertakes such as in terms of social, sporting, government, community, work related or university related. As my personal experience as a full time University student, I involved in debating association during my fundamental year and serves as an adjudicator in Malaysia Debate Open, I get to distinguished the way they communicate differently in the Voices organization, there were parties of ‘Opening Oppositions’, ‘Opening Government’, ‘Closing Government’ and ‘Closing Opposition’, all individuals have their own ideas through the way they voice out their piece of minds. At the end of the tute, another organization-related article was shown in the class, which is “Prime Minister Tony Abbott planning US-style high schools in Australia”, this news value demonstrated the way educators communicate with children change education in all perspectives. In overall, all these require time to implement and obtain results from all sorts of practices. The most crucially, it takes to train and upgrade the skills of an existing workforce and even extra time to witness the economic benefits of the training to enhance performance.


(391 words)


Reference list:
Pfeffer, J 1998, ‘Seven Practices of successful organizations’, California Management Review, Vol.40, Issue 2, Business Management, pg 96.

https://docs.google.com/gview?url=http://faculty.washington.edu/janegf/sevenpractices.pdf&chrome=true






Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments

Just a moment ago,
I feel so melancholy when my words were being perceived and judged as 'paranoid',




at the moment when I heard that,
my instant response was
'Its real, it's you the one who keep thinking your mum didnt harm me.'
I knew she's sherron and thus I ignored the 'name' and continued talked to her what I'm trying to say,
surprisingly,
she even criticized me
'You cant trust others, you can't let go, that's why you keep having dream and keep living in fear, and keep repeating the same issue.'





She sent me this when class was ongoing,
therefore as usual,
left hand replied message while right hand copied the lecture notes,
however I didn't know how I did that, but I been used to doing that as a university student,
and I believed all university students did that in their uni life,
at least once in awhile in their uni years.



* Today is my first tute for Communication and Organisation class, I witnessed a new classmate whom I can't differentiate his/her gender. I saw she's using Celine bag, and wearing boots. But her face look like a man. So I daren't talk to another two classmates whom sitting beside me, because I don't know I have to say him/her when mention about that person.


After the one hour lecture,
I went to the uni cafeteria,
had a break; sat down and munched slowly,
at the same time reflecting the text messages and my responses.
I remembered when she said I'm paranoid,
I was extremely pissed off that she distrusted me and assumed my words as 'hallucination' and thought all those weren't real,
indeed those spiky words hurt me for awhile but make me seriously ponder my characters.
I am asking myself
'Did I ??'
When I seriously think back those words,
I really thinking myself
'Are my thinking unreal? Why a normal person would perceived my words as form of exaggeration and even said i'm paranoid?'
As a conclusion,
I went up to library and made a quick browse about what is a real meaning of 'paranoid' after the whole sandwich was swallowed into my stomach.




Perhaps,
I only know a more superficial meaning of 'paranoid' or the more common sense meaning.
In my mind,
the definition of 'paranoid' is 'thinking something which is unreal',
that's my norm of English vocab or perhaps knowledge of psychology or perhaps the common perceptual meaning of being paranoid. 
In overall,
I'm extremely angry when my words were being distrusted and even being distorted as paranoid,
I really angry she distrusted my dreams and even thought the things I spoken wouldn't happen in future,
and even feel that my words are ridiculous.
Besides than that,
her 'ridiculous' is hurtful to me as I really know it will happen.
For me,
I thinking that no one will understand the factual situations as I thought or as I dream,
this is the hardest thing in the world that when I trying to move on,
certainly move on isn't a piece of cake,
it needs courage, time, willingness, faith and efforts to leave everything behind.
Forgetting the past is no bed of roses.
If she's not sherron,
it's time to think whether the spoken words from her has some significant meaning or certain truth?
I'm doubting that whether she really doesn't believe my saying and assumed me as real paranoid or just try to anger me so she said so?
But if she's not sherron,
would she intentionally anger me??!!





By the way,
until the last minute when we almost end the conversation only I realized she wasn't Sherron.
And also, both of us typed in the same time.

me: 'Are you Sherron?'
her: 'I am working now'

LOL!
Feel like I was being prank but no one prank me.
I'm the one who assumed the that person as another person throughout the conversation,
and I thought that 'another' person also knew I know it's her,
so she never mention who is she and continued talk,
while I, I also thought that person thought I know she is the person so I just continued chat,
until the time she told me she's at work only I realized she wasn't the person.
But the thing is so coincidence,
she let me know she's not the person by that way. LMAO!




After I knew she wasn't Sherron,
I really take her words so seriously because she wasn't her,
I sat on the uni canteen couch, munched and pondered
'Am I really paranoid? Why a normal person feel the things I described so unreal?'
As a result,
I went Google browsed 'What is paranoid',
and it pop out

Paranoia and Paranoid Disorders

What is Paranoia?

Paranoia involves feelings of persecution and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Paranoia occurs in many mental disorders and is rare as an isolated mental illness. Since the delusions involve only one area, a person with paranoia can usually work and function in everyday life, however, their lives may be limited and isolated. There are different types of paranoia including conjugal paranoia, erotomania, hypochondriacal paranoia, and different types of paranoid disorders such as paranoid personality and paranoid schizophrenia.

Symptoms of Paranoia:

Symptoms of paranoia and paranoid disorders include intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal. Some people suffering from paranoid personality may have a high capacity to annoy or enrage others because of rigid and maladaptive behavior. Some identifiable beliefs and actions of paranoid-related disorders include mistrust, taking offense easily, difficulty with forgiveness, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax, argumentative, abrupt, stubborn, self-righteous, and perfectionistic.

What Causes Paranoia?

The cause of paranoia is a breakdown of various mental and emotional functions involving reasoning and assigned meanings. The reasons for these breakdowns are varied and uncertain. Some symptoms of paranoia may arise from repressed, denied or projected feelings. Paranoid thoughts and feelings can become part of a delusional system through an accident, a misunderstanding or minor injustice, heightened intimacy, or increased responsibility.

Treatment of Paranoia

Treatment of paranoia is usually via behavior therapy which is aimed at reducing sensitivity to criticism and improving social skills. It can be difficult to treat a person with paranoia as they may be irritable, emotionally guarded, hostile, and unwilling; therefore, progress is slow. Therapy attempts to break the cycle of suspicion and isolation by using relaxation and anxiety management and by aiding the person to change certain behaviors.


I'm reading and reflecting my own personalities at the same time,
irrational mistrust or suspicion?
I think I am rationally mistrust and I do have solid reason to disbelieve something;
which can bring on sense of rage, hatred and betrayal??
I think this actually applied on Pn Lye more than me! LOL!
She always distrusted me thus she hates me so much and angry me.
Difficulty with forgiveness? I think she exactly has this point! LOL!!!
She really can't forgives me until now and that's why she couldn't be able to moves on her life,
thus she relies on harm to moves on her life, she used harm to stabilize her life.
"defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism"??
When I get to read this point,
I straight think of just now I told her
'I got so many examples after your mum became friend with me still want to harm me, when I told kaima my sis jealous of me, she winked at kaima and showed evil smile like very happy like that, this showed that she feel pleasure because I got trouble, and also, when I mentioned of add math, she look like very happy like that, totally built happiness on someone's suffering. Besides than that, I told her I already broke up with Hung Kiat, I told that nobody can protects me already, so dont beat me. When I said that I cried you know? She still keep quiet and dont care me. Dont care means still will harm in future. So this proves that she still will harms me even we are friend.'
She straight said
'I think you are thinking too much and being paranoid'
From that flashback,
I'm thinking that whether I really got defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism?
Am I too hypervigilant towards her every single response?
Maybe she might not mean to be happy but I perceived her facial expressions as criticism?
But,
why her responses were so inappropriate?
Is jealousy a great thing? Or is add math incident a lucky incident?
Why she needs to demonstrate happiness when I mentioned something bad?
In this circumstance,
I really don't know whether I'm just too sensitive to her every responses or her behaviour is too inappropriate?
Besides,
if she knows I will overly notice her every single responses in order to determine her sincerity,
and why she still wanna showed flaws at inappropriate moment?
Ain't that she knows I'm looking at her every single details and why she still wanna make me distrust her?
To be honest, from this point,
i'm really really lost.
Kaima keep telling me that she's not the bad person as I thought,
and keep saying
'Because the frequency you met up with her not much, so the trauma is still with you.'
Same voice to speak in unison,
Her daughter and son spoke "ah ah ah! Ya ya ya! I also feel like that, you need time."
(My heart thinking it's all bullshit because I had already gave her chance to prove her sincerity, they are the one who don't understand situation and thought I need time.)
I answered her stubbornly
'What trauma?? I already gave her chance to explain, I know she is still who she is, she still show that kind of face to me, I dont trust her any more. If she knows I'm going to look at her every single details, why she still behaved the same way and remain unchanged?'
Kaima still stand by her side and said
'Aiya... bu xiao xing de mah... forgive her la...'
I said in a louder voice
'Bu xiao xing??!! Then when only can xiao xing??'



Well,
I'm a good debater though, no one could able to talk over me,
people often keep quiet after my last talk.
Maybe, this is my matter with trust.
Nevertheless,
I still can't trust her if she still behaved the same way....
As I mentioned before,
leopard cannot change its spots,
the same thing applies on her,
she can't change her old bad reputation when she has a bad name.
Me,
I hate her smile the most,
technically her smile is a sort of trauma to me,
I HATE IT AND FEAR IT AS WELL!!!
I dont wanna conquer this fear but I dont want see her smile.
Yeah! I'm selfish and overbearing enough,
I request for inappropriate demand,
I dont wish to see her smile,
she only can talks but can't smile,
I dont wanna see her teeth,
because my greatest fear is to see her smile,
it greatly reminds me of my trauma,
I hate she builds happiness when someone is undergone torment !!



Symptoms of Paranoia:

Symptoms of paranoia and paranoid disorders include intense and irrational mistrust or suspicion, which can bring on sense of rage, hatred, and betrayal. Some people suffering from paranoid personality may have a high capacity to annoy or enrage others because of rigid and maladaptive behavior. Some identifiable beliefs and actions of paranoid-related disorders include mistrust, taking offense easily, difficulty with forgiveness, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax, argumentative, abrupt, stubborn, self-righteous, and perfectionistic.



Back to the point,
"preoccupation with hidden motives", absolutely I am.
As I mentioned once again,
I guard myself by preoccupation with hidden motives,
a pure smile may evoke criticism from me,
because I just have a deep trauma towards her smile,
so please don't smile in front of me, a natural smile might cause suspicion to me,
if you're happy, please smile in front of mirror, I don't care.
Needlessly to say that you know I'm afraid of your every single things,
so please don't be 'overactive' in front of me, just be calm as more as possible!
Exactly as what I always pour out my heart,

"fear of being deceived or taken advantage of"

I am often awfully fear of being deceived or taken advantage of,
because the truth is I have been taken advantages all of the time,
just told sherron that I only assumed add math incident as taken my advantage but nothing else,
I only perceived it as revenge all the way she could,
so she caned me as more times as she could.
This is what I meant of advantage.
Besides than that,
I am afraid of being deceived too,
because I'm actually impetuous to believe someone,
when you tell me something which could resulted benefits for me such as if you blah blah blah I will give you back blah blah blah,
and I hate she deceived me and to harm me later,
as a daily routine,
she never fails to cheat and harm me,
so when one day,
she stops deceived me in order to harm me,
I'll suspect her act or think for a long time before committing a response.



Vividly recalled,
when she passed me a gift and when I hold it on hand,
I feel fear towards that particular object,
I am thinking whether it's a prank or a harm?
I even hold it from a far distance and keep saying I afraid of it.
I thought it's a moving insect in the wrapped gift which I still can't feel it prior to open,
so I am afraid of the fearful thing get to near with me~!!!
Doubtlessly,
I'm afraid of being hurt once again.
Ah Lee and Kaima keep laughing at me,
one of them joked and said
'Of course is real gift! Hahaha!! Abuden you thought got dog inside?'
When they said so only I dare to be close to the gift. LOL!
It's ridiculous indeed but it's actually a pathetic hidden hurt.





"Inability to relax"??
I'm actually answering yes if you ask me don't tell white lies,
somehow I feel like I can't really relax no matter how relaxing is the situation.
Frankly speaking, regarding my America trip,
everyone admired me that I deserve an America trip and they said it similarly
"So awesome! Going America is my dream but I don't have visa"

or said

'You going America alone? You know route by yourself? You figure out direction by yourself? America super big know?'


and mummy said

'You want I go along with you or not?? One person go later get lost how??.'

LOL! I spoke in a satire manner and said

"No need la, you come for what? You come = never come, since you cant understand their single word also. Plus the person who might get lost is you, not me haha!"

Hahaha! Mummy laughed like hell when I said her like that. ^^






From my facebook pictures,
I can tell you that 'virtually' seems better than the real life,



I took a lot of pictures,
people thought I'm so high and enjoyed like hell,
but I barely feel the happiness at the certain moment,
such as while I having my cruise moment and the painting hours.
Because the moment I paint my heart out is the happiest hour,
and when the sunset cruise bounced on the oncoming waves,
I smiled for a few times when the salty seawater slightly splashed on my bare face and then smiled in a heart-wrenching manner till I burst into tears.
I really do not know how come and what had happened to me??!!
Enjoyable activities seem so pathetic for me?
But, when looking back all these,
I happier a lot when I went traveled by myself,
because it's the best time for me to vent those negative emotions and think those things which I ain't supposed to think in front of others.
I enjoyed the luxury wine tours actually,
we took premium limo and headed to four different wine house to taste different kind of wines in the valley.
We were given 45 minutes for each wine house,
I was slightly drunken during the first wine house,
because we were given a shot and a shot of wine with random alcoholic percentage.
And I feel like I really rely on wine to make myself not to have so much worries,
I feel better a lot when I have a quick white wine,
because whenever I had wine, I'll think my worries until I fall asleep unconsciously.
No questions, no doubts and no worries to myself sleep peacefully.



And the last point of being a paranoid is 'perfectionism',
sometimes I really asked myself did I in this point?



Why people were saying me for the same thing at different time?
That day, after my IELTS test,
when I was peeing in daddy's office toilet,
I mumbled in a tone of worry,
I said
'Dont know my IELTS will get band 7 or not?'
(I thought nobody around)
LOL! Eldest sis accidentally heard I said so when she's peeing on the next door toilet,
she suddenly said
'JIA LI HAI !!! Dont know will get band 7 or not??!! hahaha!'
I quickly denied and said
'No la... simply said one la... you think I really is this kind of person meh??'
And another instance,
when I knew my IELTS speaking test got band 8.0,
I phoned and blamed mummy,
I said in an anguish tone
'you see lah! You dont let me go tuition, now speaking only band 8.0, my speaking part 2 got no idea at all, totally unexpected she will set this odd question, initially I can get full band 9.0, now become 8.0, people all went tuition for at least 3 months course, normal course is 1 year. You dont let me tuition at all, let me study by my own and only 2 weeks time to prepared everything, totally not enough of time to prepared. Ah Zern (younger brother) can go tuition, I cannot go tuition. Even IELTS materials also ask me dont buy! Harm me got poor result now...'
Mummy even laughed and said
'Hua!!! Action wor... purposely call and show off.... hahaha!'
Actually,
I didn't meant that, I'm clearly unsatisfied what I gotten because I feel like I didn't attain the best outcome,
that's it and why people saying that I'm show off?? LOL!!
I think the best is not to mention result to anyone else no matter what's your achievement,
people will just think you're show off even you didn't mean that.





In overall,
I really hate myself,
I think that I only can rely on either wine or medication to keep my life better,
why can't she put down her esteem and tells me everything,
I wouldn't blame her but only appreciates everything she answered me.
At times,
I'll burst into tears unreasonably,
perhaps the unspoken words from my bottom of my heart,
I really do not know how to describe it and also describe it from which part,
because I have too many things to blurt out and question it one by one,
I'm such an asshole who can't manage to live out my life.
Whatever paranoia, hallucination, delusion or schizophrenia,
it just a silly adjectives or nouns for me,
I'm just a 22 years old girl who can't live out my life after the shadow of seventeenth.
Feel glad and lucky that it's my fifth year trauma and the severity seem slightly recovered,
comparatively to those unlucky, i'm considered luckier a lot,
 because I heard that someone with shadow would probably needs at least few decades to recover their life into normal life instead of a barely half decade.
Glad that people around me encourage and inspire me that
'You are 22 this year, still super duper young; quickly walk out this shadow, simply embrace a dream and kick off your new life before your trauma steep deeper. Because time is a scary but amazing figure which can transform you into a really bad life or a very good life.'

















Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments

Every time when I returned to Australia,
I'll definitely experienced first week of periodic stress,
I can't run away from that stress,
know why??!!
Whenever I came back to Australia,
have to clean up the extremely dusty house once again, pay up all sorts of massive bills, experienced extreme weather either overcool or overheat natural phenomena, running market up and down, spending large amount of time in transportation as well as the most crucially undergoing tougher education. 





Well,
ain't that life is explained by this way?
It's only getting tougher instead of easier as we climbing up the life ladder.
Besides than that,
one of the worst things in the world is that bygones are bygones,
no matter how hard we tried,
it's impossible for us to put down those horrible things,
it's hard to tell ourselves not to think about those unhappy moments and let time fade off everything,
but still,
when stress and boredom strikes,
sadness is always in our deep down,
I meant not only 'me' but all of us experience the mutual concept as all of us are homo sappien in the world.



To be factual,
I have been being tortured and yelling for all the time,
seems like no one could able to save me and heal my wounds,
and shopping have been become a common thing for me to heal my wound,
know what's the solid reason?
It's because shopping is always cheaper than a psychiatrist.
Overspent is the best way to rub off the inner suffering,
I bet people who suffered trauma like me will definitely behaved the same way as me,
we have a quite common background,
usually strong family background yet hollow like hell in the deep down,
our hearts were sunken and tears were dried for so long.
Some of them are unparented, a part of them are being abandoned while majority of them are same like me,
depressed for years and didn't attain any happiness in life - the main causes typically undergone certain traumas,
so being materialistic is the best way to vent out all these unhappiness and also the best way to balance our life.
At least, we gain some happiness from another aspects of life.
These two years, notably I happier a lot,
tears were significantly reduced and smiles were doubtlessly increased.
It's uncommon but dubious for someone requested me to smile,
deep down I'm asking myself that her real intention wish me to smile or cry?
I do not know,
but significantly my bottom happier a lot when I see the smiley. 






Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments

When I had a one day boyfriend,
I felt really happy and contented,
I truly felt the ambience that we loved each other as usual despite I'm the 'Feminist' of the day.



Certainly,
he did a lot of things for me on that day,
he came to the hotel; pack my clothes into the luggage, 
act like my assistant and done everything for me.
While me,
have been forgot that we had separated and thought that we are still in love,
I guessed that's why people said love is blind, we rekindled our old love for only that day.
However,
our dating is in private form, photos and videos are entirely a restriction.
Doubtlessly, as what I mentioned before,
I feel contented for my past love and I do not need a real love now.


Indeed,
he is just like my imaginary father,
cared and loved me in an insignificant but extraordinary way.
Six months flew away so fast,
when he was packing my luggage,
he hold my bottle of medicine and asked
'Now you still eating this? I thought you already stop eating.'
I answered him
'What to do if I havent recover? No need to sleep?'
Then he asked me
'Oh... so the doctor say you'll eat this until when?'




Ermmm,
I would like to say this is probably an indefinite answer,
perhaps till a day when I found my answer that how and why she hurts me?



To a significant extent,
I knew at least I didn't get worse,
I'm still in the origin, I didn't get worse as well as didn't get better too,
if I do, I guess it just barely 10%.
Somehow, in these few days,
when flashbacks of the trauma crossed my mind,
I feel like I am getting worse and back to the origin.
All in all,
I am thinking that my actual psychological dependence is actually rely on her rather than rely on that tiny bottle.
The function of that tiny bottle is to make me sleep peacefully in every each of the night,
but the function of her explanations is to make me sleep peacefully in my whole lifetime.




Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments

So impetuously, 
I feel like pierce a sword through my stomach and say good bye to this world,
I distrusted those scenes and I believed my true flashbacks, 
I can't trust her kindness any more and I believed my instinct.



Certainly, 
she built happiness when someone is going through plenty of sadness,
when I vividly recalled her last evil smile, 
I truly believed that she's intended to harmed me as she didn't remorse at all.
I being cheated by her camouflage, I knew she's disguising,
sigh...
seems like a leopard cannot change its spots.
I'm so depress now,
feel like extremely wanna leave this world and saying no good bye to anyone.


Technically, I'm so stupid,
somehow when people just put on a mask and spoke to me in an 'opposite' manner,
I will put on my plastic smile; talked to them with no doubts and assumed them as my best friend.
When all is said and done,
she is still my enemy.
Today,
Kaima asked me to trust her,
she said
'Actually, I knew her for many years already, she is not that kind of person as you think, because you got trauma to her so you will feel fear of her without reasons, I think you should see her face more so that you wont scared of her in one day, I think because the frequency you see her face not much so you will scared of her... so... (havent complete her sentence).'
I straight cut off her conversation by saying
'No, I dont want, I dont want... I dont want see her... I cannot see her... I very scared, I scared to see her face....'
Kaima said 
'Ni kan ni kan... I said already... because you got that kind of fear towards her, so you like that again...'
I said
'No I really scared, I dont want see her... Once I see her face, I will feel very horrible, when we talked about her I wont got any reaction, but when I see her face, I will become over fearful, because the feeling is just like when I see her face, feel like that face is coming to me and wanna attack me again. Because every time when she seen me, she was either holding a dog or holding a weapon, so when I imagined I see her face, I will very scared and if in real scene I see her, I will automatic run away even she never holds anything.'




In my deep down,
I never tell Kaima but I knew that I already gave her a chance to tell the truth,
but she didn't wants to tell me the truth and keep answering me
'I never' and 'I forgot already'.
So,
I think there's no necessary for us to have conversation any more,
because a one and only chance had been given,
it's her own issue that she had missed the opportunity to explains,
she is the one who refused to tell me what she knew as well as what I wanted to hear,
she is the one who witnessed the way I refrained my psychological pain but entertained it with smile,
she is the one who let time passed but justify nothing.


Well, at this moment,
I could only left unhappiness and remorse to myself,
I need not the chance any more.
My ears had been shut and start from today onwards I don't accept any explanations any more...







Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments

Despite the significant amount of hurtful feeling had fade off in some way,
but I still felt the deep down pain in some midnights.
I guessed, this pain is a long last hurt which seems impossible to heal,
she reputed to be the worst person in my heart;
she brings about every cruel actions which caused the every inch of my wound.



At times,
I'm so depressed, I feel pathetically inadequate when I laughed or smiled.
No one could imagine how I passed through those times with pains and suffering,
the unsolvable tears always soaked the pillow when curfew begins,
there's room for apologize but no room for me to forget all these,
many a little makes a mickle, that's what brought me into this stage.
Leave me alone,
I need time to travel to the furthest place in the world,
I need private space to calm down my thoughts and release all these unspeakable tensions,
I need a far view like a muddy beach or a spectacular urban view to ponder back what had actually happen,
until the end, I'm still a loser, 
I am lose when she never gives me what I want to listen,
she used smiles and jokes to cover up my emphasis,


I asked her 
'Can you tell me what had happened?'
She smiled and answered me
'What you want to know?'
My feeling was =.= (sweat, you're pretending a fool and avoiding my question and you are so so bad not so-so bad),




Indeed,
that's her response which made me hate her the most,
I feel like she's still exactly unchanged,
based on her facial expression, 
she shows happiness when someone is under psychological pain,
when I bring back that particular scene which when her smiling face floats in my mind,
I would straight cried uncontrollable and slowly recalled back all the bad things she done to me and think that she still unchanged;
 sort of cheating me that she is no longer the bad one.


Somehow,
I loathe to see her smiling, feel like she's so unfaithful;
still thinking to harm me as usual so that the certain facial expression would reappeared. 
Besides,
she asked me
'You like you like??"
By that part,
I feel like she's unfaithful and trying to harm me again,
she's having pleasure when someone undergoes unbeatable trauma.


By the way,
I think every single of her facial expressions are so important to me,
because it tells me how faithful and sincere she is;
occasionally, 
I would spontaneously rolled down the salty tears when I bring back all these flashbacks,
I think she's so bad, I hate her cruel and jerky smile.
Her smile often reminds me my constructive traumas;
the add math incident, made me loitering for few hours under hot sun by keeping my key, putting dog in my car and closed up the door, chasing me with dog in free area, caned me as many times as she likes, carried out violence to me, threw my key into drain, attempted to kills me, cut my wrist with knife and knocked my toes with pliers, continued beat me when she already knew how painful I am and many more.


All these are the random consecutive thoughts which made me burst into tears when I had sleepless night,
being so unreasonably,
I will felt unbreathable,
 feel like I can't exchange my breathe and keep crying till I have no more energy to stay awake,
this is the suffering I gone through by myself everyday when I was seventeen until now.



Feel like to pierce through my tummy with a long sword so that there's no room for me to doubt about how much time I still needed to cross this traumatic boundary.



Undoubtedly,
I can only wrap up my bleeding wounds by consuming drugs and drinking wines,
there's the two only ways I used to make myself better.

 




Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments
Newer Posts
Older Posts

About me

Nothing struggled at 25; live a pretty simple but self-indulgent lifestyle, do not expect less but eager an extravagantly peaceful life.

music

Blog Archive

  • ▼  2017 (5)
    • ▼  March (2)
      • Thursday - 'Self Portrait' parcel day
      • Chadstone shopping day
    • ►  February (1)
    • ►  January (2)
  • ►  2016 (28)
    • ►  November (1)
    • ►  October (4)
    • ►  September (1)
    • ►  August (1)
    • ►  July (4)
    • ►  May (4)
    • ►  April (4)
    • ►  March (4)
    • ►  February (3)
    • ►  January (2)
  • ►  2015 (68)
    • ►  December (1)
    • ►  November (3)
    • ►  October (3)
    • ►  September (6)
    • ►  August (3)
    • ►  July (2)
    • ►  June (3)
    • ►  May (11)
    • ►  April (14)
    • ►  March (6)
    • ►  February (6)
    • ►  January (10)
  • ►  2014 (180)
    • ►  December (15)
    • ►  November (9)
    • ►  October (13)
    • ►  September (9)
    • ►  August (18)
    • ►  July (8)
    • ►  June (15)
    • ►  May (19)
    • ►  April (19)
    • ►  March (18)
    • ►  February (17)
    • ►  January (20)
  • ►  2013 (252)
    • ►  December (22)
    • ►  November (35)
    • ►  October (59)
    • ►  September (37)
    • ►  August (18)
    • ►  July (18)
    • ►  June (13)
    • ►  May (14)
    • ►  April (24)
    • ►  March (12)

Created with by ThemeXpose | Distributed By Gooyaabi Templates