From this moment onward,

it's less than 24 hours to approach the 'gateway of harmony' for both of us.

She might feels my leaving may ease her burden whereas at the same time it ease my psychological pain too.

One more day,

it's a step closer to our freedom!

And, hooray! 

We are stepping towards our eureka moment soon :)

She must be cried joyfully when she stop seeing me for 24 hours...

March, symbolized a great blossom month,

it always turn a pessimist into an optimist, especially people whom are so bipolar like me.

It also signified a new beginning for all students whom studying at international institutions,

more than that, it is a hectic month for all university kids.

Chinese new year mood just leave me in a moment ago and uni reopen is around the corner,

both sweet dreams and nightmare came at the same time!

Guess what I have dreamed?

'I dreamed of my enemy obscures my university uniforms to avoid me going to class, and thereby harm me for failing the course (if more than twice didnt go to class).'

Our ridiculous yet vivid interactions are as below:

Me: Hey! Where's my uniform? You better take out! We can't skip class for more than twice, if not will fail the course!

She: I never take! Where you put? What for I go and hide your uniform?

Me: Don't bluffed! You also hide up your own dustbin and bluffed me that your dustbin lost because I played it. Now I don't trust you anymore!

She: I really never take! I can swear to the God, what colour is your uniform?

Me: Is a white-light blue blouse with a skirt in similar colour as the blouse.

She: I never and ever seen your uniform before, how I know where you put? I never ever been to Australia, where you study I also dont know, how come I know your uniform?

Me: Dont bluffed! I really know is you, and you hide it up! If not how come will lost?

She: I where got hide? Ah you dont believe you come my wardrobe find lah! Nahhhh... where got?

I flipped through all her clothes in the wardrobe,

can't really see where's my uniform,

and eventually I told her

"If I failed the course, then you got to pay my tuition fees for all subjects! It is $14,000 AUD for a semester, which is RM 42,000"

She laughed meaninglessly and said

'Ha! I also dont have four thousand two hundreds dollar to change my gate, you think I got forty two thousands to pay your tuition fees?'

I said

'I dont care! Who ask you to hide up my uniform first!'

She said

'What for I take your uniform? I some more help you go throughout the whole street Tong Sampah and find your uniform, see whether people got throw inside or not, you some more said I hide! Aiya I dont want talk to you so much la, now I become good also bad, bad also bad, how? What to do?'

Somehow,

I don't really know why I dreamed that weird dream,

perhaps is a natural stress of signifying uni reopen or a stress that came from my enemy?
I am not sure.... when I check Google for the dreams interpretations,

it interprets those contents as below.

Uniform 
To dream that you or someone is in uniform signifies your need to belong or be part of a group. Alternatively, the dream may suggest that you are conforming too much to the beliefs of others. Learn to think for yourself and be your own person.

In particular, to see a nurse's uniform in your dream indicates cleanliness, compassion, and properness. To see a school uniform means how you are identifying with your school and your classmates. It may bring attention to some issue you have at school. To see people in strange uniforms signify disruption and chaos.

Losing thing

If you dream that you have lost something, examine your heart and life the very next day, while the dream is still fresh in your mind.  Have you lost touch with yourself lately?  Are you too busy?  Are parts of your life sort of spinning out of control?

Today, the last two day before flying back to my second home,

I spent my whole night with my bigger family, which is with daddy, sister, younger brother, two aunts (father's elder sisters) and grandma,

the first journey,

we went to Nadayu 28 for inspecting and purchasing a serviced apartment at Sunway for younger brother,

the serviced apartment is super convenient and luxurious, it's just next door to Sunway University, Sunway International School and even Sunway Pyramid Shopping Mall.

After an hour of deal agreement,

we went to Banting for seafood by the river,

the early evening scenario is so beautiful and fantastic,

the river is somehow so much purer and thorougher than Malacca river,

we sat there and had seafood dinner while enjoying the breezy wind.

At the end of the journey,

we went to the lighting event at Jenjarom to walked around,

not really interesting for me although Daddy keep asking me to take more pictures,

I shook my head, and he laughed at my denial to take such pictures,

because he knows I like attractive girlish things; such as shopping, high tea and dressing up,

but definitely not this type of  "older generation" lightning parade.

But anyway,

I still enjoyed the beauty of the event,

because it can be rarely seen in my life.

Daddy even said

'Ching! Quickly take pictures, you are going back to Australia, cant see all these anymore!'

I said

'There got horse carriage parade! Even nicer!'

Daddy told aunties

'Tomorrow she is going back to Australia to be her Aussie already"

Second Aunt laughed loudly at me and said

'HAHAH!! Your father said you gonna be Australian tomorrow already...' 

The most unpredictable thing was my enemy and me even went to the same place without seeing each other, which is Jenjarom,

See! How small is the world but how big is an earth!

People could went to the same place without seeing each other.

On the contrary,

I hold a different summer period from others due to the standing in South pole,

for me, my summers lies on December, January and February.

It was a huge relief during these two and a half months summer hols,

I've gone through most of the joyous celebrations in my twenty three, such as Christmas, Chinese New Year, Japan winter vacation and the most vitally the precious time that I spent with those whom close to me.

Today, it's the second day from mid February,

and also it's one day closer to school reopens,

the deep down feeling is so reluctant yet extremely excited at the same time,

however I am now all ready to accept the new challenge in 2016 and the hustle-bustle life that coming soon.

After the Day 9 Chinese New year,

I thought I need to stop eating junk foods due to the excess weight gain during this period,

but the attractive Malaccan foods drove me mad and pushing me to eat more!

Especially foods like Satey Celup, Durian, jackfruit, Tomyam seafood vermicelli and so on,

I just can't resist them in my daily life in Malaysia!

My everyday morning is so beautiful at this moment - laying on the oversize bed and waiting for my body clock to wake me up,

whenever I woke up in the late morning,

 I would looked out of the window at the monkey reaching for foods, 

hearing the lively marching sound which came from nautical miles,

and then stretch up slowly, walked down to the lovely kitchen,

fed those fishes in the pond, made my own cuppa decent coffee, and occasionally make cocktail prawn salad for me.

Too bad,

sometimes I sipped the coffee without a newspaper,

but still having my adorable 5 months old nephew whom cheered me up every morning.

Whenever I glanced at him with a kind smile,

he would excitedly kicked in the air and babbled innocently,

yes, this is what I want to looking for,

the most natural and blissful moment when our family have a new family member.

He reminds me that I'm a little older every year, and it's time to get a partner if I manage to find it.

Besides than that,

my two lovely god-sons already grown up to be cute toddlers rather than newborn babies.

Whereas, in the twinkling of an eye, it's already a year since my bachelor graduation!

See, how fast and how magical a time is!

Couldn't believe that everyone of us have grown up so fast; the older generation have grown old,

and the very old have passed away. 

Yes, this is life, the unpredictable life and the amazing earth that keeps human generating, alive and leave.

Vividly recalled a conversation between me and the office boy whom worked in daddy's company for 24 years,

he asked me

"Sekarang Huay Ching belajar apa di Australia?"

I answered

"Belajar Master of Property di Australia"

He get astonished and said

'Huay Ching sudah master?? You umur berapa?'

I proclaimed

"Dua puluh tiga"
He said

"Woah, Dua Puluh Tiga Sudah Masuk Master? Pandainya... tapi Huay Ching Ada 23? Jangan tipu, cakap benar!"

I said

"Betul, I sekarang Master."

Another staff told him

'Ehhhh you pun tak muda lagi, betul lah, Datin Seri cakap dia sudah master"

Then he pondered awhile for how long he has been working and said

'Oh ya, ada kut, semasa abang sabri masuk kerja, Datin seri masih hamil, dua mingu macam tu, Huay Ching Lahir lah, huay ching lahir November hari apa?"
I said

'22 November 1992"

He said

'Ah betul lah, I datang pada mingu kedua November, 8 November Macam tu"

Seriously,

it's hard to believe that time is so magical,

two decades have been gone that way,

even my enemy, had started to grow old,

I've witnessed a lot of physical change from her from her 40 something to 50 something in recent years.

In these days,

she began to hunchbacked, walked slowly, became less aggressive, her voice changed from sharp to deep voice, her iris turned grey and complained that she fall sick a lot.

I don't know whether she suffers from any disease or  merely transforming into another phrase of life?

But then two days ago,

I realized that her physical power actually still stronger than me,

when she get angry of me,

she wanted to put Jerry into my car,

I used both hands forcefully pulled in the car door to resist her from pulling outwardly,

my body already lean backwardly (45 degree) to produce maximum force,

surprisingly, by using one hand, she could successfully opened up the door with a small gap while carrying Jerry with another hand.

See, how fabulous she is that her physical power can beats 24 years old !

Ain't kidding, I was shocked when I used up all my physical force but yet her physical power still stronger than mine!

Back to my life content, during this summer holidays,

my nightlife in Malaysia is really different from Aussie,

in Australia, I did a lot studying and went many pubs at night,

yet in Malaysia, I visit tons of cafes at night and did a lot socializing events in most evenings.

I would say "Open house", "Wedding dinners" and "Home party" drive me mad but keeps my life overly busy in a healthy way,

most of the time, I reluctant to attend wedding dinners due to can't really sit still for such a long and bored event,

but then when look at the optimistic side,

wedding dinner defines two partners willingness to stay together, their mutual consensus and agreement to love each other.

It also stand for two of them being bride and bridegroom once a lifetime after propose to each other.

Sometimes,

I asked myself what is the farthest memory or memories that I have?

Why I could remembered but why she seemed like couldn't remember anything.

She spoke to me that she didn't beat me in school everyday,

and she even dare to swear to God like she never,

at times,

I'm thinking is she merely telling lies or she really couldn't remember?

Thus,

I google search the question
"Can people remember things they done few years ago"

and it answered

"Research showed that according to children development, adults have memory since they are 10, likewise, people can remember events that happened after 10 years old."

Whereas,

others are sad, some people could remember the most hurtful tragic as young as not even two years old.

Now,

I was wondering that why she couldn't remembered what had happened between us and insist telling me that she didn't.

It even hurt me more because she claimed that she didn't and said I'm telling lies,

I was thinking that it's enough that she don't admit, but it's even more miserable if she accused me that I'm lying, when she is lying.

Sometimes,

I wonder how bad and how kind she is?

Why a kindest person could possess a worst heart at the same time?

What to say in a position of as a teacher?

I cant believe that my life trauma lay on the schooling experience,

when I was as young as primary school years,

I wish to grow up as soon as possible to reduce the pains that I possessed,

I thought being an adult could make me protect myself more,

I thought when I reached 13, I could gain more freedom, be less controlling in the eyes of adults,

I thought being older could bring me escape from abuse and more incline towards freedom,

now I began the phrase of early adulthood - i am establishing independence and intimacy towards myself,

but then I'm still a prisoner to my childhood, a little prisoner whom struggled with the memories of daily abuse, I attempted to draw a new life in my world,

but I end up re-encounter the same damn thing,

to be frankly, I really don't like myself,

don't like the damn fated things that I gone through;

but I know, we can choose our friends, but we can't choose the family and environment that are bestowed naturally.
I looked perfect apparently but it's devastated inside,

I have an attracting eyes shape; good nose shape, abundant lips and model-like face shape,

but then a bleeding heart that make me experience heart-wrenching everyday.

Shadow, I loathe it so much...

When I can remove it from my life?

I hate the silent scream in the midnight,

I wish I could left this world silently without letting anyone have preparation,

so that people won't worry me before I leave this world.

Sometimes, I think of letting myself leave this world by suffering from sleeps deprivation,

I feel that since my medication is finishing,

why not just let it finish and don't take it anymore,

until the day I fainted anywhere after few days stop eaten it,

I really wish that I could faint and leave this world,

it's too indescribable suffering; I don't want to be a pretty woman but ugly in my life experience.

I wish to faint and go,

please Lord, I really wish to walk out this earth and reincarnate this same identity,

but without this trauma.

Can I?

I thought anything happened in the past should be kept quiet;

it neither can be solved or heard; it only troubled people's ears.

Yesterday,

I went to a dinner with cousin as usual,

on the way we drove back to home,

we laughed and talked a lot.

In the midst of the conversation,

I told her

"Do you know aunt suddenly told me she is smiling outside and dying inside?"

She asked

'Oh do you mean she said herself or she said you?'

I said

'She said herself, but why you asked like that? Do I looked like one? Yesterday I just have a drink with Emily, she said I also looked like one.'

She answered me

"yes, I think you look like that type of person, apparently happy-go-lucky, but crying inside ones."

I asked her

'Why do you said so? What make you feel I'm this type of person?"

She said

"Because you never and ever told me about your unhappiness before, so I think you are that type of person whom keep everything in heart, and cried alone type."

Then I said

"yeah I admit, I'm that type of person, I went to the psychic with my friend, the psychic said I am this type of person, but how you know?"
She said

'Because I'm that type of person who can tell people's personality from the way a person's talk and behaved, because I see you laughed a lot and never heard you mention anything unhappy before. So I can tell you are that type of person.'

I said

'Yeah, actually I grown up unhappily, I have a lot of trauma and negative experience."

She said

'yeah I just want to ask you about this, I can guess you have a lot sorrow in heart, but dont know what's that.'

I asked

"How you guess out first?"

She said

'Because last time we went Taiwan with you, I saw you everyday ate medicine, but dont know what medicine is that, only know is for sleeping ones, so I think it relates with your past."

I said 

"yes I certainly have problems and was really unhappy for my upbringing, I am not sure what caused and shaped me what I am today, but I could tell the main two things that traumatize me, just dont know what is the main cause only."

She said

'What is the first and second?"
I said

"First, I dont like the way my mum treated me since young, and even until now, like sometimes I wanted to buy things, she put my preference at last position, like foods favour or clothing favour, which makes me feel that I'm being abandoned in the family, and my choice is disrespected, and I'm not the favourite child. Like the clothes that would be wearing on my body, my mum said ask my eldest sis, the durian ice cream that I wanna eat, she told me no ones wanted to eat Durian, or youngest brother dont want eat durian. Sort of things like this.'

She said

'Har.... why your mum want you to ask your sis for what you want to eat and what you want to wear? Did you ask her?'

I said

'Yes, she said because they like it, or other dresses are prettier."

She said

'But your mum look like got love you.'

I said

'yes she did, in the past, she is even worse, now she get better, but still makes me quite upset. So, it make me really depressed and unhappy in heart in the journey I grown up.'

She said

'Did you tell her properly about your feeling? Such as telling her everyone got different food and clothing taste?'

I said

'Yes I told her, she remembered instantaneously, but old habit recurred the next time, so I just told myself, well, this is my mum, no matter how she is still her and cant changed, so I just cried today and forget tomorrow."

She asked

'So what is the second thing?'

I said 

'Second thing is I have a lot of abused experience since young, it happened repetitively and powerlessly. So, it makes me really depressed, I feel that I cant beat the shadow, and feel the world is unfair, I'm born to taken advantage by others.'

She said

'Oh yeah I know the teacher case, your high school teacher abused you ones right?'

I said

'Actually not only her, before I met her, a few adults mistreated me before, so I became really hurt and feel sad a lot in heart that I'm vulnerable, and born to be bullied. Sometimes, even when driving, when I thought about childhood experience I would cried.'

She said

'Hey but I think like this is not good ones, you should speak out, as tension release, maybe tell me more, I am willing to listen.'

I said

'Actually I'm really fine, after I cried, then I totally a normal person already, so I've used to this type of repetitively life, but sometimes I would uncontrollably dropped tears in public, like one day, my father told us that we three sisters followed mom in shopping, then immediately, without thinking much, I straight dropped tears in public for 30 minutes, like can't control that type, then became really depressed, because I already know my mum completely wont buy things for me ones, so I just keep on sit alone and wait them shop.'

She said 

'Cant believe your life is so pathetic, it must be really painful, actually last time I also experienced the sleepless experience as you, but just due to exam stress, during standard 5 and standard 6, not that serious as you until since young until now, I think your case is accumulated ones.... I think is both sides caused problem, one side came from family, and another side came from teacher that side..."

I said

'To be honest, I also dont know what the main cause of my sleeplessness, but what I clear in my heart is I feel that I came from inadequate family and social environment, at home, mum bullied, at school, teacher bullied, so I really unhappy for the negative experience I went through.'

She said

'Heyy I think you should speak out to someone, like to pour out your heart, if not you will get depression ones...'

I said

'If silence would tripped me into depression, then I early already had it."

She said

'What medication are you taking now?'

I said

'Calming pill."



She stared at me with her big eyes and asked me

'Calming pill? Are you serious? Why doctor gave you calming pill? If you taking calming pill means you have depression now.'

I said

'No I am not depression, but just I would went into deep sadness without solid reasons, like I told you, cried for 30 minutes when my father asked me to followed my mum in shopping, means feel really sad and unwanted to stick to her. And another thing is I always feel that people wanted to take me for granted due to many negative experience with adults when I was a child, so my heart became really sorrowful for what had happened. I'm quiet for what it happened, but apparently I am optimistic when dealing with others.'
she said
'I think you better spoke it out everything as stress release, if not really will get depression ones... you can tell me everything that you feel unhappy and I'm willing to listen. Try to minimize your medication intake, I think its because you accumulate all those sadness in your heart and never vent your emotions, so it became deep hurt inside.'
I said
'Yeah I went to psychic with my friend, the psychic told me that mine is cold hurt (Han Shang) and deep hurt (zhong shang), and she knew everything that happened to me even I kept quiet during the whole consultation.'




By the way, whatever it is,
I think that besides than I knew what it happened,
the only one whom knew it is God,
the invisible eyes which look at us on the sky.
Now, I became less trusted towards my frenemy,
I realized that she will exposed my thoughts to anyone and knew what I'm thinking,
therefore, I decided to stop writing to her to privatize my thoughts.
Yet,
I became less hatred her, but somehow the hurts are still there in the deep down.
I know, no ones can cure this "once and never recovered" hurts,
and I allowed this hurt to stay in my heart,
and just let it be as eternal as it wish to dwell in my heart.



I don't mind and I can accommodate this pain for eternity;
as long as my safety ain't been threatened,
I'm alright with that, I don't need her extra blessing and praying for me,
because I can't feel the blessed and safe at all time,
I just feel that whenever I seen her, the unknown phobia and deepest trauma are still with me,
but I've somehow used to it this kind of treatment and environment.
As long as I'm still in this earth,
it's my bonus from the God.