These few days,

I am currently busying for the almost ending assignments.

Presentation was done today.

Finally, a brief sigh is released from my oral cavity.
Yet,

got some little spare time to sit down and blogging in the uni computer pool after afternoon class.

Regardless how busy I am,

those endless dreams about her always hunting me in the dark midnight.

But surprisingly,

I got an indeed ridiculous but mawkish dream about her;

in the dream,

I felt so pathetic and sorrowful towards her,

but once I woke up,

I was like laughing out loud regarding the dream;

actually it's about how her daughter described her to made it so funny.

Awful strangely,

I dreamed of having the same tutorial class of 'Employment Law' with lye chuin li again.

The class only have we two are Asians :D





Somehow, after class,

I walked out the classroom after the lecturer dismissed,

i was like keep crying alone on the sofa outside the classroom,

without any solid reason, lcl was overly kind at that time.

She even sat beside me and asked me

'Why you keep crying here?'

I said

'I dont wanna cry, but my tears would irresistibly rolled down.'

She said

'I know why you cried. You want to know the answer of add math day right?'

I nodded my head and spoken softly

'So, can you answer me right now? Once you tell me the answer regarding from head to tail, start from today onwards, your mum will be set free. I won't question about anything anymore. Ok?'

At that time,

she looked so down,

she said

'Past is past, sorry about that. Really sorry ok?'

I said

'Mmmmm... you dont like that lah.... because since I also dont know what had actually happened, you have no necessarily to say sorry to me, since I also dont know where is your fault. Dont be so unhappy when dealing this with me, you just tell me everything from head to tail, can or not?'

She suddenly so good, she said

'Okay. I will tell you the truth, and we talk once and all here, after this, dont cry about it anymore.'

I asked her

'Why you will talked like that ones? Why you suddenly became so good? When I sad, you will tell me the truth, I thought your person is when I sad, you will become very happy that type, because your emotion always terbalik with other people. When people sad, you happy, when people happy, you sad, when people happy, you angry, when people angry, you happy. I thought your person is if I am confused and sad, you will purposely dont tell me the story and make me more confused and sadder that type.'

She said

'Past is past, now I am no longer like that, you not want to listen the answer?'

I nodded my head 3 times and said

'yes yes yes... quickly tell me now, if not later you will forget what you want to say already....'

She seemed like don't really how to start telling me,

she said

'Hmmmmm..... hmmmmm.....'

I said

'Never mind, what you think or what you knew, you just say, dont need to care of my feeling, no need to afraid I will sad. Because I just want to sad for the last time, after this, I wont sad anymore. Just tell me what you remember.'

She said

'Actually add math day I wasn't there. So I dont know.'

I said

'You weren't there? How come? You clearly got beaten me, I remembered.'

She said

'I just stand there awhile in the beginning, after that I leaved d....'

I said

'Then your mum? Your mum never tell you the part after you went away? And since that day until now, your mum never mention of what had happened on that day?'

She said

'Actually, tell you one thing, you dont blame my mum, my mum dont remember.'

I even cried and said

'You clearly said you want to tell me the truth, but the way you talked is like hiding from me, awhile said you werent around, awhile said your mum dont remember. If like that, I asked you got any different with never ask? How come your mum can dont remember? I also can remembered, how come your mum cannot?'

She said

'Not I dont want to tell you, the truth is even my mum also cant remember, how she gonna tell me?'

I even get angry and said

'The way you talked is clearly avoid accountability, you refused to tell me then everything finding excuses. I knew you always like that! Thats your personality since the day I knew you, initially I still so excited and expecting your truth, expect I will know at the end, who knows at the end, you still finding excuses and refused to tell me. You always like that (then cried even louder).'

She said

'Really... you want to believe or not is up to you.'

I said

'Again! Your second favourite quotation! YOU WANT TO BELIEVE OR NOT IS UP TO YOU.... When you speechless edi, you always talk like that ones! Last time in msn also you tell me like that, in message also you tell me like that... until when only you can stop using this dead boring sentence and give a solid explanation?'

She said

'Really... I never bluff you... I swear to God... my mum really cant remember....'

I said

'One year 365 days.... the day until today, 3 years 8 months is equals to 1340 days already... impossible your mum never tell you about the story before? Once also never? Even let say she already forgot, but on that day, at the time both of you reached home, she never straight tell you before sleep at night?'

She said

'Actually, you dont blame my mum cant remembered la... tell you a thing, my mum is low IQ, so she cant remembered. Since she dont remember, you dont pressed her d ok?'

I get agitated and said

'I pressed her???!!! Since when I pressed her?? From the day when I start going your house until today, got which day I got mentioned of add math day to her? Got which day she mentioned of add math day to me? I never and ever ask her before, how can you say I pressed her? And I just asked you to tell me the truth for how many times only? You own self also can use one hand fingers to count... how can you say me like that? What means I pressed her? Besides, how can you say your mum is low IQ and claimed she dont remember the stories then refused to tell me, your mum low IQ??? I think she is act pig eat tiger!'

She said

'I have no point to tell you lies, my mum really low IQ; she dont have a good memory so she cant remember for a long period, and also when she cant remember, impossible she can tell me.'

I said

'Your mum IQ how many?'

She said

'72.'

I said

'Impossible! You dont bluffed me, I know you are finding excuse to refused to tell me the truth.'

She said

'Really.... I never bluffed you, if I bluffed you, why in the first place when I sit down, I will choose to tell you the truth? Because the truth is my mum dont remembered and also I wasnt there. And my mum told me her IQ is 72 so she dont remembered. Sorry lah.... You dont blame old people ok? When one person get old edi memory sure down ones....'

I said

'But where got down till dont remember not even after a day?'

She said

'Told you d... because my mum IQ is 72. So you dont blame her.... for the past really sorry ok? I already told you the truth, so from today onwards, dont find our troubles already and we also dont find you troubles anymore. I already tell you the truth, so, after this, we just wipe out ok?'

I said

'Ok la... sounds like your mum really pity.... Is real one?'

She said

'Is real. If not she told me, I also dont know her IQ 72.'

I said

'But 72 only?? Even me so stupid also got 117!'

She said

'Haiz... you can judge a book by its cover... sometimes fact is not like what you perceive. And also, my mum is not act pig eat tiger.'

I said

'Ok la... since the truth is like that, we just wipe out from today onwards, dont grumbled anyone anymore. You dont find my troubles and I dont find your troubles, I survive my life here, you survive your life at the place you wish, start from today onwards, my heart is peaceful already so I wont go and find you anymore.'

She said

'Ok.... I also wont come and find your troubles anymore. Overall, please forgive and forget.'
I said

'And when you shift? can you do me a favor for the last time? Consider my wrong or both of us move a step behind, please shift before I go back Malaysia can or not? Because since I dont want find troubles to your mum anymore, ask your mum also dont find troubles to me, ask her to shift before I come back, this is my last wish, consider my 21st birthday present can?'

She said

'Ok, when you go back Malaysia?'

I said

'14th December.'

She said

'Ok, no problem, I will ask my mum shift before December.'

I rubbed off my tears and said

'really?'

She nodded her head and said

'Of course is real ! Since when I break promise before?'

I said

'Ok! Eh! Why your person suddenly became so good? Like Sherryn like that...'

She said

'Because when human reached different age, automatic will changed, that one is normal. Plus now I not staying with my mum already, so those behaviors that  previously behaved like her is no longer with me. haha! You also know human go until which place, mix with what kind of people, sure become what type of person. Some more she is my mother, when I everyday interact with her, sure behave like her lah.... but now I stay in KL already mah... never interact with her d... so now I am a different person.'

 I said

'Uh?? You this hypocrite! At melaka behave your mum, at KL behave like Sherryn.'

She said

'Luckily now I come Australia study, never behave like you.'

I said

'oh ya... wait wait wait... why you will have same tutorial class with me? You not study in KL?'

She said

'Oh! Now I having last year, I want to get Australia certificate but my mum dont have a lot of money to afford me 3 years degree here. So I take 2 years degree in malaysia and one year here.'

I said

'Ohhhhh.... my dad also told me a lot people like that... that time I want to choose sociology as my sub-major... then class fulled already, left external study only.... my dad dont allow me to take external studies... no need go class; learn from online ones.... my dad said external is for people who dont have money to study ones... my dad said external is like people who studying in malaysia but they want Australia certificate, so they own self learn online and submit assignments through online... then my dad said he already paid few hundreds thousands, the purpose is to let me enjoy Aussie uni life... to let me go their uni and attend class ... he said waste money if he sent me here but I still want to take external study. Then he asked me to choose other, since sociology fulled already then I just choose other. At that time, I late enrolled, everything fulled already left law got internal studies... then just choose law. My dad said as long as got go to class, choose any subjects also can learn things ones.... then he said he wants me to make full use of the uni life in Australia because he paid a lot of money already.

 she said

'Oh mine is our uni arranged already... cant choose ones....'

I said

'Ours can... because mine is journalism, we got 4 submajors to choose - Law, sociology, psychology or English. Initially I want to choose English ones... but English must wait till next semester only got opened class, if I choose English, I will extend one semester graduate. Sociology and psychology internal fulled. So just choose law. Then I think law also senang la haiz...cincai lah...  Besides, I also no any other options edi.... just wanna relax relax study here for this 3 years.... Next year final year d.... time flies....'

 She said

'Your submajors got what subject?'

I said

'My core subjects are media reporting, professional ethic code, issues publication and design, screen matters, television news, technical writing, journalistic matters; communication and cultural studies and radio reporting. Then submajors are employment law, family law, conflicts of law, issues in criminal justice, youth studies, professional conduct, victimology; Criminology and Public Policy. Luckily they changed taxation law into the family law. Because I dont have accounting basic at all, if they give me taxation, I really want to retrieve back my school fees and balik Malaysia! Actually they interchange the taxation with family law is because journalism is more related to media so the submajors are more interrelated to family law and criminology all those... the taxation law can left to accounting student hahaha~!'

At that time,

when I talked till so long and at the moment I explaining my course study plan,

my darling suddenly phoned me and said

'Hello, wake up d... 8am d....'

I even told him in the phone

'Wait la... I am telling Lye Chuin Li my course study plan see whether their twinning program got same with us or not...'

(Then just hang up the phone after I said like that).

After another 30 minutes,

Hk phoned me again,

he said

'hello, clar you wake up d or not?'

I said

'wake up d ah... why?'

He said

'Funny just now you told me you dreamed of lcl then hang up the call edi...'

I said

'hahaha! I got told you I dreamed of her?'

He said

'You never tell me you dream of her, but you told me you are talking to her then I guessed you are dreaming....'

I said

'Clever! Just now I also confused dont know I am dreaming or is real. After I woke up only I knew is dream.'

he said

'what you dreamed of?'

I said

'I dreamed of lcl suddenly became very good, when she see me very sad, she looked very down, she still consoled me dont cry and told me the add math story....'

He even laughed and said

'hahaha! dreamed la.... if is in reality, I think her person is when she see you very sad, she will very happy that type, like purposely unwilling to tell you that type to make you sadder.'
I said

'Anoh anoh! I also because of like that only I knew is dream haha... I feel like because I think her too bad d only I know is dream? Funny! When I wake up, I think : Impossible ah?  lcl person not if I cry or very sad, then her mouth will sengek to left side and her lips will become thin thin that type? Or I think she will make me sadder by saying : Why should I tell you? Own self go find out lah.... that type....'

he said

'Anah! I also think like that... is dream la....'

I said

'This time you no need tell me is dream also I can recognize myself, because the chance of her kindness is almost impossible. So its too obvious its dream. Some more I dreamed of lcl told me her mum IQ 72, so she cant remember add math  day so cant tell me but not refused to tell.'

He said

'hahahahaha IQ 72! Funny! You said like that, you want laughed die me ah?'

I said

'Why? Lcl impossible talked like that ones?'

He said

'I think no lo... lcl not always own self praised own self very clever ones?'

I said

'Own self praised own self clever is pn lye la....'

He said

'Lye chuin li !'

I said

'Pn Lye....'

He said

'Haiya! Both also SS lah!'

I said

'Anah... lcl always think own self clever mah... but now the situation is she talking about her mum IQ, not her IQ.'

He said

'I think her person is even her mum also she wants to praise that type ones lo.... last time I still remembered she told me whole school only her mum one person know how to handle hyperactive people like you, but others dont know....'

I said

'Like that is praise?'

he said

'Anah.... like think her mum very geng like that.... only her mum can, but others cannot... means praising her mum....'

I said

'Or I think is her mum told her like that? So she only she would said like that? not praising....'

 He said

'Aiya... even her mum told her, she own self know can edi la... why must tell out? She tell out means boasting....'

 I said

'but I dream like that is because Lye chuin li person not always like to find excuse ones? So only she said her mum IQ 72 and said her mum cannot remembered then refused to tell me.'

He said

'anah... I think lcl will always find reason that type but she wont say her mum not good that type....'

I said

'IQ 72 means not good?'

he said

'Anah... will let people think her mum like very stupid like that.... so she wont say her mum IQ 72, but will find other reason....'

I said

'Where got like that ones... some people very smart, but low IQ, but some people not smart, but high IQ. You see me... I also gong gong like that... IQ still got 117, and that type when pl told the police : Dia ni belajar engineering. Then the police said: Oh!  Ni high IQ.... funny the police said like that... but you see my person also everything dunno dunno that type... and also IQ is refers to the knowledge in book, means a person can know all knowledge in the book, but doesnt means that person is smart in everything.'

He said

'Anah... also true... but anyway, I just feel like she wont bluff other people her mum is IQ 72.'

I said

'IQ 72 is very low?'

He said

'Hahahaha! Anah! Lower than me leh... that time you sent me the IQ test link... I still got 90 some more....'

I said

'hahahaha you only 90? Lower than me and still so big gap hahaha ben dan....'

He said

 'Anah... now I already comes to work, never study anymore... those questions that come out from the IQ test already rusty......'

I said

'But those questions where got learned in book? You see now i study journalism where got do math questions anymore? I also can answered... my English not very good also, also can answer.... and the visual diagram ones our add math also where got learn before? All must use our ability to solve only call IQ test mah... and to be frankly I just feel like I can answered all questions but the behind part about historical things ones... all those amolang name I dont know....'

He said

'Of course la! That one suddenly cincai asked a country's prince who knows?'

 I said

'Haiz.... you see me! even IQ 117 also dont know own self is dreaming... gong ka beh si !'

He even laughed and said

'Hahahahaha! And when I wake you up you still dont know is dream and still can tell me you are talking to lcl.... funny.'

I said

'because at that time I still thought the dream is real.... then I asked you dont interrupt I talking.... but after around 5 minutes like that, in dream I think : Oh Ya hor! lcl will like that so good ones meh? Then I woke up d....'

Recently I been really busy without a few minutes rest for me to sit down blogging,
I keep wanting to mention about a big good news,
but just don't have the time to write and share :(

Few days ago,

I was over-excited when I saw the message replied.

Finally,

the answer is YES, shifting !

The feeling is really indescribably hooray when I saw that,
At that moment when I saw the surprising answer,
first time I was over excited,
I even bounced on the bed, grabbed a happy video and keep hooray!
Play this video and look! Haha!
The most important thing that can make me put down the stone from my heart is this time I learned smarter,
I bluffed them I will come back on September,
so even they delay shifting, delay till October,
also I no need to worry because they will 100% shift away before I come back.
This is the biggest issue that I don't need to anxious and worry any more :D

Even when Hung Kiat phoned me,

my first voice already told him I've a good news.

He asked me

'Why you suddenly so excited?'

I said

'Pn Lye really got shift!'

He said

'Anah! I early early predict she will shift.....'

I said

'Eh eh eh... what are you talking about? Initially when I said she never shift, you said : Anah! I know she wont shift ones... now I said she is shifting, you said: I early early already predict she will shift... =.='

He even laughed and said

'Hahahaha! But when I think back, I think she will shift...'

I said

'Why?'

He said

'First her children all in KL, she alone in Melaka for what? Second, I think she no face to stay there already...'

I said

'Why you said the same thing as my mum? My mum also said she no face stay there already... but both of you say a different situation but same sentence, my mum said because lodged police already so she very paiseh... but you said is because she beat me like that so she very paiseh... but I think of that for a long time d.... beat people will paiseh ones meh? I still cant understand....'

He said

'I told you edi... it just like last time you asked me how embarrass is add math incident? And I told you is like take off shift in front of everybody....'

I said

'But I still cant relate the example... beat people and take off shirt is two different thing.... Why beat people will very paiseh?'

He even said

'Haha! I think is because you already used to she beat you so you already regard her behavior as normal....'

I said

'Dui ya! Pn Lye's person not memang will beat people ones? What thing not normal?'

He said

'Because she already beat you many times, so you already used to she this kind of behavior... but for other people, people first time heard it will feel like her person very weird....'

I said

'You mean beat people means very weird?'

He said

'Anah... but must depends on how she beat and why she beat.... For the "WHY" she has no reason mah.... for the "HOW" is very gao lat... so she will very paiseh....'

I said

'Dunno why... I already try to stand on her feeling and think... I still cant feel got any paiseh leh... but dunno why you and my mum telling me the same thing.... my mum also said very paiseh... but I really dunno what pn lye paiseh....'

After I got the message replied regarding she is shifting,

my depressive mood totally 360 degree changed.

When I think of 'Yes! Finally she shifts',

I could wake up in the morning and attended class happily without thinking that much.

Two days ago, the whole day,

I am totally a different person.

Even when hang out with Chloe for the high-tea,

she even realized I am 'something wrong' because I am too happy.

When she first saw me and talked a few statements,

she asked me

'EH! Today why you so excited leh?'

I said

'Did I? Hahahaha.....'

She said

'Why? Tell me leh... your person emotions is totally wont hidden ones... when the first time I met you this person, I knew your angry, sad, happy, excited, emo and everything all can very obvious show on face ones....'

perhaps my excited mood is too obvious today?

I covered my smile and said

'Pn Lye wants to shift house edi....'

She said

'Ohhhhh!!! Happy d lo..... Finally nobody torture you edi lo....'

I laughed and said

'Hehehehe is even happier than kena 4D....'

She even flapped my shoulder and said

'Hahahaha! Sampat ones....'

I said

'Hahaha! First day know me?'

She said

'Eh... be frankly... you still havent tell me the whole story leh... see like you very afraid that lychee like that....'

I said

'Did I? I where got scared of her?'

She said

'Dunno... last time when you described her got a little bit show like you very scared of her like that... what happened actually?'

I laughed and said

'Scared is last time... after shift, nobody scared her edi hahahahaha....'

Chloe even laughed and said

'You really sampat betul ! hahahaha! What she did to you leh last time? Why you so scared her?'

I said

'I went her house mah.... then her dog always havent eat anything, then her dog very hungry then she wants to ask her dog bite me you know? Then some more got one time she want to beat me with one very long cane... very very long that type you know? Imagine the length is this two table join up... then if I dont want listen to her she wants to beat me.... and also one of the time she very angry, she wants to kills me.... she took the knife.... the potong sayur ones she said wants to kill me and chop into few pieces and give dog eat... plus some more she said one piece give to hung kiat bring back to home cook...'

The most funny,

Chloe said

'walao... xiao bian tai...'

When she said like that I really cant stop laughing.

I said

'Hahahaha! Xiao bian tai??'

She said

'Anah... so young only will like that ones....'

I said

'Ya lo... my father also said the same thing as you.... but I think we are not young anymore leh hehehe....'

She said

'Anah... but you imagine this kind of things we also wont do but she will do, means consider quite young edi.... plus you see she just twenty out only leh.... imagine when she go to thirty or forty is more unimaginable....'

I said

'Dunno how to describe la... I just feel like her person is very fierce type ones... the way she talked all very scary ones... and last time SPM add math exam, she and her mum both caned my leg until 50 plus times u know? That time my leg very painful you know then I keep kicking... because i dunno how to say la... is too painful edi... is like you very painful edi but she still keep beating, sure cannot tahan ones mah... then i kicked from sit become lie down on the bench you know? She and her mum still dont care me... continue beat....'

She said

'Walao... kan bu chu she will like that ones leh....'

I said

'You mean lcl or her mum?'

She said
'Both la... last time her mum got taught me before leh... and lye chuin li still got same class with me 3 years some more....'
I said
'What? 3 years? When?'
She said
'Form 1 to form 3....'
I said
'Her person how ones?'
She said
'Dunno... I not really close with her, I mix with Michelle, Wan Ying and Tze Xien all those... I just knew she very quiet in class ones... and she very normal like us ... like now like that... cant see out she will like that ones leh...'

I said
'Hahahaha! She is silent killer!'
She said
'And her mum also leh... if you never tell me, I totally cant see out pn lye will do like that ones... because she in class very normal ones.... '
I said
'How normal?'
She said
'Very normal like other teachers lo.... like Chang Zui Keng all those haha....'
I said
'That is why I think she treat me alone like that only....'
She said
'Anah... I think she think you hyperactive wont tell people then only she dare to like that lo....'
I said
'Ehhhh.... you said like that is exactly same as what hung kiat's friend said.... Hung Kiat said he told his best friend about pn lye and me... then he said his friend said this pn lye see me hyperactive wont resist then only she dare... but the differences is you said hyperactive wont tell people, but his friend said hyperactive wont resist....'


She said
'Aiya! People who wont tell out usually wont resist ones... same la.....'
I said
'But I got resist her leh.... I got cried and screamed....'
she even laughed at me and said
'hahaha! Walao.... cried and screamed are not resist ok? Resist is for example pushed her away... if is me, if she beat me the first time, I sure will push her shoulder hardly....'
I said
'hahaha! Hung Kiat said he also will fight back ones.... he said if Pn Lye dare to touch him one fur, he said he will Yi Quan Zhong Xia Qu hahaha....'
She said
'Anah normal people sure will resist ones... why you dont want hit her back when she hit you?'
I said
'I scared if I hit her back, she will hit me back that type.... haha hung kiat also told me the beat her back... then I told him I dont dare... then he said: Aiya... you got hit her back also she hit you, you never hit her back also she hit you, both also the same... why not hit her back? hahaha he said like that....'

She said
'Anah! Eh your hung kiat see him quiet quiet like that, quiet smart leh.... hahaha!'
I said
'Anah... but I think I still darent hit her back that type... I dont know why... I scared she get angry and hit harder and longer that type....'
She said
'Oh also true.... I think you like that means you are considered weak type already.... Because my mum is a primary school teacher, sometimes in school she said she also got face hyperactive students like you... my mum got told me before hyperactive people wont say out ones....'
I said
'Actually, I also dont know what impression I had given to her so only she would treat me like that...'
She said
'I think she think you hyperactive lo... you see last time she teach my class also very normal... and I think she teach me 2 years some more... form 1 and form 3... very normal in class....'


I laughed and said
'Hahaha! What you mean you think she think me hyperactive? I memang hyperactive what....'
She laughed and said
'Anah! hahaha my meaning is she think you hyperactive and think you hao qi fu so only dare to beat you like that... you see how dare she beat other people like that?'
I said
'Ok la... start from today, I must remember dont treat people so good edi... if not people will think me hao qi fu and sha sha and climb on top of my head...'
She said
'yes! You must strong a bit... Remember, if you still continue treating people so good, no matter how good a person, still will climb on top of your head ones....'
I said
'You think if next time that pn lye beat me again, what should I do to let her think I am not so weak anymore?'
She said
'You should push her back or shout her back.... then when go back home, straight tell your father or mother....'
I said
'But I really dont know how to tell, because I dont really know which part is her wrong doing.... and I dont know have to tell from which part, which is climax or which is not important... and I dont know have to start telling from which part....'
She said
'hahaha I think one of the reason you will let her beat you until like that is because you dont know distinguish right and wrong....'
I said
'Yes yes yes! The fortune teller also said me like that... she said I dont know what people do is correct or wrong....'
She said
'Anah! I also think your person like that ones... because if you dont know which is right and wrong, how you gonna tell your parents about her wrong doing? Because you dont even know and how you going to tell?'
I said
'Then you think next time how I gonna tell my parents if I dont know which part is right and wrong?'
She said
'I teach you one method... for everything head to tails that she did to you, if you not sure is right or wrong... you just tell Hung Kiat the whole stories from you went her house until you go back, then hung kiat sure can know which part is right or wrong... Then you asked Hung Kiat which part is the wrong ones... then you go back go and tell your father the wrong ones that she did to you....'


I said
'Ehhhhh.... you very clever leh... ok ok ok!'
She said
'Haiz... this kind of things as long as you come and ask me, then everything will be fine....'
I said
'Hahaha but dont you think you tell me like that means harm her?'
She said
'OMG! Until what time edi you still say harm her? She harm you until like that, beat you until like that you still wants to help her? Clar! Dont let people bully anymore! You forgot edi ah? Dont be too kind, if not people will climb on top of your head....'
I said
'But you think I like that means too kind?'
She said
'Anah! If you never say out means too kind, too kind means she will think you sha ones.... because only sha wont tell out mah.... You see those Gong Gong ones where they will tell out ones? So, in order not to let people think you sha, you must tell out everything.'
I said
'Ok! Start from today, I must be strong, dont soft-hearted.... must tell out, must overcome people... dont let people climb on top of my head anymore....'
She said
'Finally! After my guidance, my Clar finally become smarter edi ! haha!'
I said
'Some more you think got which part I need to change so people wont think me sha sha?'
She said
'Some more! Be more realistic a bit ! So people dont dare bully you.'
I said
'You think I still not realistic enough? Now I already stop contact with those people who financially used of me....'
She even laughed and said
'Hahaha! I think you are too not realistic edi.... now you just got a little realistic only. 5% only! You need to improve till 50% realistic, then people see you rich people dont dare to bully you! And the most important, just keep remind yourself, your high status make you deserve the better friends, you have so many choices to choose friends, why you want look at those people who used of you? Without them, you wont rugi also. Because what you have is money... got money you want which friends also can....'

I said
'Ok ok ok.... Now I dont mix people who used of me already.... Just mix with people who treat me good....'
She said
'Ya la! You see... you mix with Fabiola, me, Chin Yean.... all rich rich ones we all where got used your money?'



I said
'Yes! That is what I think also... I think you all very good and convenient to me, because when we say go where eat, all ok... wont like poor people, this one expensive that one expensive... I dont like people like that ones... go out with them also troublesome....'
She said
'Anah.... now I must protect you because you too sha edi, in order not to let people bully you, you dont go and contact to the people who used you anymore... You see your life now, all around you are rich people, fabiola, me, Chin Yean, and those friends who came from taylors.... Kye, Serena and Evelyn... all rich rich ones... treat you so good and never give you problem at all....'
I said
'But I have a friend, I really close with her for many years already.... I still take this relationship so important, she said she wants to come Australia find me and she is waiting a cheaper flight, but now the flight is already very cheap, RM2000 only leh.... I asked her to book the air ticket and she seems like ignoring and think it still very expensive... I got told my mum about this, my mum keep telling me she cant afford to come and ask me dont expect her to come anymore.... I really very sad... since the beginning, when she told me she wants to come and find me in Austrlia, I very happy and excited, I told my mum she wants to come and find me, but my mum first reaction told me: Say only la... she dont have money to come ones la... Then at that time, I said : Got la... she will comes ones... her family quite rich ones... Then my mum straight said: If got money anytime also can come... why still wait for cheap flight? But until the end, sometimes I feel like adult talking always the true ones... and they are like experience people, they can foresee everything. Now I think I should accept my mum's advice in the first place and trust her first reaction.... I dont know why our strong relationship would because of a gap and became like this.'


She said
'Who is this?'
I said
'Haha secret, one of my Malaysia friend....'
She said
'Haishio! Clar... your this friend, since she cant afford to come, then you just suan liao la... just regard she is not coming lo....'
I said
'Ya... now I regard she is not coming anymore, because at that time when she told me she wants to come, I still make time arrangement, because maybe next year I plan to go holiday with Hung Kiat mah... then at that time when she said she wants to come, I keep arrange and plan my time cant go anywhere because she is coming. Then my mum said if I want to go anywhere just buy ticket and assume she is not coming anymore.'
She said
'Anoh.... I also think you dont because of her then delay your next year holiday... I think she most probably wont come lo....'
I said
'Why?'
She said
'Because I think your mum is correct lo... if got money can go at anytime ones... where got wait wait wait ones... just like your hung kiat... you last minute tell him said you want go Taiwan, he also can buy flight follow you go... you said u want go Australia study, he also can last minute buy flight, where got wait ones? I mean rich people wont wait ones and straight buy ticket ones....'
I said
'Maybe lo... my eldest sis next Tuesday come and find me, also last minute buy flight ones... she suddenly think of coming then straight buy ones...'
She said
'Anah... that is why I asked you dont embrace a big hope that your friend is coming to see you, if she never come you also dont go and bother her and ask her buy ticket anymore la... since she is not rich also some more got a bit financial trouble to you, then less her one friend, you wont rugi also .... because to be frankly telling you, no money really troublesome ones.... because in many aspects you can, she cannot... then some people will develop jealousy ones... because they think you got everything, but she stay beside you she dont have; some more she so close with you, the jealousy lagi strong, so is very hard to maintain this friendship... Just let go this person lo... you see she wont help you or wont bring any benefits to you also, but will bring troubles or used of you only... haiya, people come and go mah, peer circle reached different age always changed ones... you still have so many rich and good people who treat you so good in Australia, those Malaysia friends who treat you not so good, just dont care about them any more la... become Hi-Bye friends enough and by slowly they will realized you grown up edi because you leave them haha....'


I said
'Anah.... start from now, I seldom contact with her edi.... she never contact me, I also never spontaneously contact her anymore.... plus now she seldom play facebook and instagram edi, so I also never go and look her thing anymore... This thing I already considered for a long time only I decided to put down this relationship, because my friends around me and my family told me the same thing that she used of me also... '
She said
'Why people said she used of you?'
I said
'Everyone said different things, some people said she is insincere to me, some people said she near me because I am rich, my mum said she observed when she is free only she find me, when she not free never find me, then overall add up, I felt like she used of me in all aspects.... because I go and read Google about signs of friends of using you... then I get to read it wrote friend who used of you always cancel outing at the last minute as they like, then I felt like she every time also like that... like suka suka own self date me, suka suka until last minute she cancel the plan even I already ready.... then I think haiz suan liao la... since got so many other people treat me so good now, then I think she is not so important to me anymore...'


She said
'Ohhhh.... then I think you dont go and mix her anymore la... I think she think your person very cincai then used of you... sure she thinks aiya Ah Clar last minute cancel never mind ones la... aiya Ah Clar will pay bills when we go out ones la... aiya Ah Clar sure say ok ones la... then only she everything take your advantage and make you let her....'
I said
'So start from now, I just tell myself, less she one person I wont rugi also, I still got other people who treat me better and also richer than her.'
She said
'yes! Think like that correct already! Clar you finally grow widsom edi....'
I said
'Ok ok ok! Now I understand edi... I felt like friends we just need a few enough, as long as they are rich and treat me so good... then I can let them be my close friends.... Because Fabiola always told me about the same thing as what you told me also... she said because rich people and poor people got gap exist, so very hard to be close friends... So after both of you keep brainwashed me... I've decided, I will changed my peer circles, only mix the people who are rich and wont used of me because I have money, I got rights to choose which friend I want.'

She said
'Dui! Just like that! Keep remind yourself... be realistic a bit, dont let people used of you! Be aware those flies around you, because they see you sha sha like that and make friends with you and just want to used your money.... The most important that you need to remember now is dont go and mix those people who will used of your money....'
I said
'Yes! Madam! haha!'
She said
'And you see now your life in Australia, you got me, Fabiola, Chin Yean, Nero, Jerry, Serena, Alvin, Evelyn, Kye.... So many choices.... so you dont need go and look back those people who got no money some more used of you ones.... Dont worry, I will protect you ones, you just stay beside me enough I wont used of you ones...'





I said
'Ok dokie! And, one thing you need to help me is you keep remind me to be realistic, when you see me you remind me each time, if not I will forget after tomorrow. Today, I tell myself to be strong and realistic, but tomorrow I am weak again and not realistic again....'


She said
'ok ok.... can can... I will remind you.... whenever we got sit down and talk, I will remind you to be realistic, because you completely dont need those people who got no money... like that only you wont being used by others........'

In this rotating earth,

the most scary thing in this planet is to see drugs in the young and frivolous age.

What to do?

Things have happened in ages ago.

Stacks and stacks of pills awaiting your life.

Only put down and move on are acceptable.

Whenever I get the new stack of pills,

feel like killing somebody :(

Do I hate her so much?

No, I don't, but I eager I could.

I hate to see her go yet I'd love to watch her leave.

I have a sense that I am running back and forth in my life like a soccer woman;

I got both backward life and forward life alternatively. 

Nevertheless, 

I flatly choose to caught in contradiction.

Originally,

I'd almost had a step to recovery but the stubborness brought me back to the original stage that have to rely a more dosage of drugs.

Indeed,

I hate the shit she does and still painfully couldn't forget.

I am an injurer while she is the comedian of the day.

I always have a true belief in my deep down,

staffs are spreading the incidents behind and at the same time it's a sort of belittling for my reputation.

For the people who care of me, they told me it's good to let people know about her wrong doings.

Hereby,

I don't hatred media and I would like to become the media for the sake of overcoming this trauma.

That's the behind truth of why I am choosing journalism at this moment.

Definitely,

I am not mean to be avenge like reporting the case in future,

nevertheless purely want to choose a course that could make me bring to mind of the trauma of seventeen forever.

Regarding the semi-touchable engineering path,

just left the exam paper in drawer, the memorable certificate on the corner of the table, the scientific calculator with the unseen add math paper, the mp3 with the dried tears and the ungraspable pencil in the brush pot.

Those are tearful objects as well as recollection of trauma.

Regarding the drugs,

take more a year, feel like hatred her another year.

When I stepped into the pharmacy to enchant the drugs,

the pharmacist straight gave me such a big stacks of pills ....

At the same time she told me

'You still have twelve stacks but we currently out of stocks, by tomorrow you may come and retrieve again.'

But until now,

I still haven't step in the pharmacy and retrieve.

I am thinking after finished all these only I go and retrieve :(

Be frankly,

I never and ever think of want her to be sorry to me or to let her knows the consequences of her actions that brought me into this stage.

Certainly, I never.

But,

the pure hope is I do not want her to injured me any more.

That's it,

I am simple and innocent;

wasn't greedy, wasn't questioning, wasn't wanted for more, wasn't sigh and cry in front of her.

I don't have a good brain to protect myself,

whatever she did,

it's up to her; I didn't bother but suffered.

Sometimes,

I still uncontrollably weep at the back without her knowing; 

smiled in front of her; cried at her back,

smiled in Facebook; cried in blog.

I don't really know what's the solid reason to hide up my pure and authentic emotions.

Do you know?

Freaks were born with their trauma and they've successfully passed through.

However unfortunately, I haven't.

Because there are uncountable wounds and unmeasurable hurts that never show on the body,

but invisibly hide in the inner side while emotions always flee upside down.

Growing up in a physically and sexually unhealthy place weren't feel good at all,

the flashbacks of traumatic injury often plays hide and seek on the road of recovery.

Now,

declaring independence is what I struggling at the same time.

Indeed,

there are many and many more facts and stuffs are more scary than bleeds. 

Somehow...

feel like today is my big blue day :(

Unspeakably describe everything so sorrowful...