non-eliminated fears

I wasn't tough as what I expected,

I thought I could get rid the unwanted fears,

but I still failed to do that when I seen the unexpected picture.

I'm really helpless, despair and fearful when obstacles hit my life.

Had letting the warm water to run through my body for 5 minutes; eaten three stabilizer and drinking a glass of warm coffee to stop myself from getting fear.

But no matter what I done, 

my skins had goosebumps all the way till now,

I really find no way to cool down myself,

had illegally eaten three pills instead of one.

LCL really wanted to attack me,

when I look at her face, I know what she wanted to done to me again,

come out from nowhere and then hit my face or cane me.

She's mentally ill, so that she couldn't control what she is doing.

My heart still really raining...

I have a sense of heaviness in my heart which it keep on pulling me down.

Kaima doubtlessly trusted her and don't believe what I said,

she has a direct thinking of 'nothing will happen' or 'no need worry',

GOOD-HEARTEDNESS HAS NO RECOMPENSE ON HER SOMETIMES.

She keep thinking that they wouldn't do anything to me!

Well,

I really don't wanna treat her so good any more.

I promised myself to stop doing good.

I reckon that she pakat with pl and will harm me in one day.

When recalling so many good deeds that I done to her,

I'm really such a fool in treating her good all the way.

The most foolish thing was I took a flight back just because of celebrating her promotion,

and bought a Channel lipstick for her.

In addition,

to credited her 'protection', I even bought her longchamp bags just because I truly loved her.

Now she ignored my fears and keep telling me 'nothing will happen' and 'stop imagine'.

I really frustrated about it right now. I really find no happiness in my entire life.

I even failed to create one :(

I am unsure about what is a true happiness,

if you ask me happiness or wealth which is more important,

I will definitely tell you 'wealth' without think twice.

Literally, relationship can't secure my insecurities, but wealth does.

My parents can't secure my anxieties, but wealth does.

My mate can't comfort my inner fears, but wealth does.

Love can't buy happiness, but wealth does.

Thus, from all these perspectives,

I drafted a conclusion that wealth secured all the negative emotions of an individual.

I'm going through a really stressful situation right now,

my house is such a messy when I tremendously stress up!

I wanna leave this world, I really wanna leave this world.

I hate myself so much that I'm still trap in the fears.

I knew there's something wrong with me which I couldn't eliminate the fears within myself.

I find it hard to breath now... I mean I am able to breath, 

but the breathing is so heavy now....

We are sort of similar couple....

When we stress up, we used to bite our nails and grabbed our hair tightly.

Nevertheless,

I'm often much more serious than him,

additionally I would breath hardly in the extreme frequency; trembled until I slept and felt cold throughout my body until I rinsed myself with warm running water.

Shit ! I'm really such a failure in managing my own fears,

I flunked in balancing my serotonin now, I just can't let my tears stop streaming down,

seems like nobody is going to pull up the helpless me.

I'm really really devastated in my life,

I'm trying my best to achieve the best of my life,

but my inability still make me so unsuccessful,

particularly my emotions, I'm such a despair woman.

When you look at my eye bags or dark circles,

you will know that I'm really, extremely, exactly need help.

I always had different case than anyone else in the world,

I witnessed and experienced the only one incident in the world.

The hurts were extremely painful.... 

I felt a semblance of knife edge is cutting my leg,

I always attempted to altered that particular flashbacks when those brutal scenes crossed my mind.

Certainly,

my nightmares contained hidden scars, it's unreasonable though.

Unwanted trauma, untouchable thoughts and the uncountable fears

These three are the three main elements that I really can't get over.