Excruciation

I promised myself to uphold the temporary affliction,

but I feel that I'm a failure in doing s :(

This disease is unusually painful and too lengthy....

It's the fifth year now....

Unpredictably, a trauma could seriously lead someone into 5 years of misery.

Diverse pains in the midnight, either physically or mentally - breathlessness, back pain, heartache, headache, nightmares, rapid heart rate and so on.

Finally and uneasily, we compromised for six months, but these few days,

we went back to worst enemy again because she somehow betrayed me.

From now on wards,

I really want to hurt her in order to balance my heart,

 if it wasn't, I feel somehow unjust ...

I really wanted to do something to her!

I really wanted to revenge!
I really wanted to harm her!

I wanted to know what's the real definition of harming someone!

I wanted to try what she did! 

I want, I really want !

I wanted to let her know I'm crueler than her!

I wanted to let her know I'm the dominant!

I wanted to let her know what is the karma she is more likely to deserved!

The death of her mom wasn't considered one of it,

the genuine karma is from her worst enemy.

I really cannot bear my psychological pain any more,

I feel like to pierce a sword into someone's heart.

I don't care whose heart is that,

 as long as I vent my rage and anger,

make it once and all,

I wanna behave like her, I wanna try her feeling of what so good about hurting someone.

I want, I really want, I really wanted to do it,I wanted to experience what about being a harsher, aggressor, beater rather than a coward.