Random feeling in this afternoon

Right now,

I'm sitting at Starbucks coffee store having a decent cuppa Green Tea Latte.

Don't feel like mixing anyone, just wanted to sit down calmly and think about what I should think.

Certainly, I can't deny that I still dwell in past,

I can't deny that I didn't think about the bad any more,

to a significant degree, the bad thoughts decreased and the good thoughts increased.

Perhaps,

this is the relationship improvement between us.

I shouldn't be greedy to have the urge to forget everything.

Previously,

Kaima mentioned that I needlessly to forget everything,

if I can't forget I just don't forget. 

I fully agreed this,

I don't urge myself to forget about those memories,

but at least transform those memories into a better state.

Anyway,

life is always the same no matter or how much we complain or how little we complain.

Regardless how depressed we are or how happy we are,

the quality of our life still remain the same as we have been fated into destiny.

I wish to tell her I'm actually take things too hard and don't bother how I think or how unhappy I am,

but I just don't have the encourage to blurt out this freaking embarrassing real thoughts.

I just don't feel like let her know what I am thinking and how I'm feeling,

but the weird but amazing thing was she said she's sort of psychic and is able to figure out what people thinking in heart.

Thus, I'm in front of her, I just keep quiet and try my best not to think randomly....

No ones refused to move forward or get better;

 I really wish to move forward,

yet I can't accept that the existed truth did not happened.

I really hope that I could get rid this stupid trauma,

it's so torturous and unbearable in the midnight,

my tears just roll down whenever I feel like, or sometimes without restriction,

She told me she can be my friend, can be harmless and even lovely to me.

She said her evil actions were all pretended and claimed that people seek help from her.

At times,

I accepted this reason but occasionally I can't accepted.

My inside really felt hurt when she treated me badly,

the bad scenarios still crossed my mind in the midnight...

A couple of times,

I think about the good things she treated me,

however the feeling is always not permanent.

Till now, sometimes she still yelled at me or being rude to me,

so it still really really hard to believe she has long term good intention.

Kaima had passed away,

this unpredictable incident increased my insecurity and decreased my trusts to her,

I feel that I have no a true reliance,

what I can do is either trust her or trusting myself,

but not a frankly opinion from kaima....

A few times,

I cried silently in the midnight that I lost a true mother,

vividly recalled kaima told me

'Now you're my true daughter, if you feel that your mom dont love you never mind, because both of you dont have that type of mothering fate, but you got me.... I really treated you like how I treat vivian... So, maybe we got that type of fate la, you see! Yao Yao, Da Ger and William all treated you like their own sister, bring you to Pn Lye house whenever you come back.'

After she leaved the world,

it made me more treasure their existence,

and I feel like I really can't lost them,

even Paul and Caleb,

I have a special feeling to them,

they made me feel that I have a real external family and the feeling is even more than my own family.

I felt the true love that they showered and the way they pampered me...

It's indescribable good,..

therefore I really don't want, don't want and don't want to lose each of them,

they are my everythingggg,

they are the true people in the world who bring genuine happiness and kind intention without counting anything.

I felt that's the true sibling love,

everything is purely came out from their own heart and they treated me like a sister

without counting which belonging belongs to who....