my rainy day

Just a moment ago,

done a random checked at 'SMK gajah berang' official website,

wonder how high-tech is a government school now?

When I just randomly clicked the 'school buildings and photos' icon, something strike me emotionally.

https://smkgb.wordpress.com/about-us/school-buildings-and-photos/

Why??!! Tell me why?? 

Well, everyone has own rainy day, don't assume me as mad here,

I thought the place and incident had considered nothing for me,

but why when I happened to see the particular picture while scrolling down,

I can't deny that I haven't forget it, but I'm sure that I'm okay with that now.

A couple of times, we had some joyous and smooth conversations,

we talked about every irrelevant jokes, it could be hurtful and it could be funny,

but so far she hadn't tell me what and why the first incident happened,

she merely rewinds the last time but not the first time.

From what I expect to know, it's the first time instead of the last time,

the first time brought me a lifetime trauma, but the last time just brought me a shred of flashback of the first time incident.

It's my fault indeed, the forever fault that I don't have the courage to raise this question up,

I attempted to asked before,

but she tend to diverted my question into her stories.

I guessed, this is the reason, why she said

'You cannot disturb, then you want help me buy something, you want me sayang you, but you want to throw something!'

Yeah, my behaviour is absolutely contradicted,

because my deep down still hasn't manage to stabilize,

I need the explanation to cure its forever wound,

I'm selfish and greedy at times,

not really care about people's feelings and self-esteem; just wanted to know what I wanted to know.

I'm really such a bastard, I often try to restrict my emotion from getting any anger or sorrowfulness, but I failed to do it ultimately,

I still burst into tears and soaked my tears with the pillows,

typed with rolling tears and shuddered with fears.

Vividly recalled the colourful scene when she spoke

"Then I already told you many times sorry until my mouth no saliva"

my point of view is I not really want to see a pathetic face which showing abundance of sorriness,

but I just wanted to hear a long and brief explanation,

at least let me know why she did that and why she hatred me, 

why she being so cruel to me but don't feeling nothing at all for the pains she exerted.

Don't tell me again that she had another mother passed away,

besides than that,

every bad incidents were connected and all came continuously for almost half decade,

I not really want to hear how many mums that had been gone,

but only wanted to hear the true colorful stories that generated by her true heart.

I never love lies at all, it even comprised of white lies.

I don't even mind to listen how pains encompass her life, but the criteria is it needed to be true.

I never like someone fake their stories, get my sympathy and then reflect my true innocence,

I'll definitely empathize someone if they have true unfortunate incidents.

I'm really such a dummy,

I clearly hatred her why should I repressed those true feelings in my heart and deceived myself like we are friends.

Certainly,

we underwent certain sort of transformation in our relationship,

I should appreciated it and perceived it as miracle,

shouldn't grumbled how bad was my past, how unfortunate I was as a powerless victim, how painful I struggled by my own without any protection, how brutal was the scenarios floating in my mind and how vivid was the daily memories happened at her house.

I was being slapped for a few times, being kicked like human shoo-ing an animal, being hitted until I don't even recognized it's a bruise any more, i'm eventually numbed by the pains like an ordinary domestic violence kid, and even once, I was almost being killed and had the feeling of a sharp knife grinded on my wrist.

I'm just too bad, too poor, too weak, too lack of intellect to have strength to defend myself,

not really want to lifted the extra pains anymore,

bid-bye world, hopefully got a sweet dream today and may nightmares not enlace me anymore.