Letting go the trauma
Still, I'm still in the circle,
I can't spend minutes, hours, days or even weeks to truly enjoy my happiness.
I'm apparently happy but inner dying.
I believed she lives well and even live better than me.
I can't analyse out the situation that why she treated me that way on that particular moment,
since 2009,
I'm so heart wrenching till now,
she left the physical pain and mental torment for me as a 'graduation' gift,
she broke my heart unwittingly without her knowing,
from what I could do now is bear the pain and suffering by my own.
Perhaps,
suffering happens to everyone as they grow up,
it's the process we find out who we are and what we want,
I actually knew who I am but I just can't figure out what I want now,
I can't neither move on nor move backward,
it's a kind of mental torment to me at this blossom age.
I sought for the beautiful and wonderful memories,
but the old and painful memories pulled me back to the pitfall.
I'm still so suffered in the midnight,
with the ache of real imaginary pain on my leg.
Scientifically,
I wouldn't know what had actually happened on my leg regarding that imaginary pain,
but I could truly felt that level of the pain is exactly same as that particular day,
it's something sharp cutting on my skin.
Till now,
I still need the baby dosage sleeping pill to make me not to feel the pain in the midnight and not to get into the daily traumatic nightmares.
I used to felt the pain in a particular hour of midnight,
especially around 3 o'clock,
every night whenever I talked to Kaima,
when I slightly felt the pain, I would quickly take pill and lie down.
If not the pain would gradually increased till the maximum frequency and tortured me till can't sleep.
I didn't tell Kaima about that pain,
I just told her
'I ate medicine already, we left 15 minutes to talk.'
This is every night how the medicine operates my life.
I have had make a decision to move on my life,
but this kind of thing wasn't determine by will, but it determine by time taken.
I always told myself that
"I don't care how hard this is, I don't care how disappointed I am, I'm not going to let this get the best of me. I'm moving on with my life, I'm striving into Master."
Now, at this right age,
ultimately I realized what's going wrong with me in past,
I aware that those hurtful things that she did to me a little makes a mickle,
and thus we got today hatred each other endlessly.
I think she having the same situation as me too,
she must be hasn't forgotten me,
No matter how much she forgot me,
but I knew I still wouldn't forget her,
even till now,
her silhouette is still so vivid to me,
her facial appearance is what I could guarantee I won't forget till the age of 80,
it's not that kind of annoying, but unforgettable.
Actually,
I've been decided to leave her at the shore of my heart where I have roots,
bear in mind,
letting go doesn't meant that we don't care or think about someone any more.
It's merely realizing that the only person we really have control over is ourselves rather than others.
I let her go weren't because I am tired, it's because of the heaviness of my own suffering,
I find it necessary to let this things go;
simply for the reason that this trauma is so heavy.
So let her go as well as let go myself,
I tie no weights to my ankles!
Remember that letting go means to come to the realization that she is just a part of my history instead of a part of my ill fate.
LOL!
Vividly recalled one of the night,
Kaima told me that
'Just assume Pn Lye is a wave in your life.'
Then I responded her
'Har! You meant assume Pn Lye as a wave and don't assume her as human being?'
And this phrase made everyone of us laughing so loud,
including Ah Lee.
At that moment,
I was kidding with Kaima and trying to make her has a loud hearty laugh.
However in my deep down,
I knew what she is actually trying to say,
I knew what she is actually trying to say,
it meant just assumed Pn Lye as an obstacle which described in terms of sea wave,
but I always avoid the facts by twist and turn the serious topics into jokes.
If you ask me 'how are you' recently?
I would like to answer you that I wasn't fine at all,
doubtlessly,
my heart and mind are so heavy,
one of the things that I discovered in philosophy is it's always easy to forgive but hard to forget.
One of the night,
I cried terribly out of suffering to Kaima,
I cried soundlessly and said
'I dont know why the thing that keep on repeatedly occurred in my mind wasn't the image of her face, but its the image of the cane striking on my leg on bench. I really wanted to forget, but the images keep coming to me, I tried a lot of ways to abandon this fact, but I still couldn't, even she already apologized to me, and I don't know how to forgive her, I dont know what I do or how I feel only equals to forgive.'
On the next day,
Kaima told me
'This is the exactly words that people described, easy to forgive and hard to forgive.'
But initially,
I thought there's such thing of easy to forget but hard to forgive,
but I found that it's entirely opposed my initial thought,
the fact is easy forgive but hard to forget.
It's still so suffocated to breathe in this breathless air in the middle of the night,
when listening to the sorrowful music while lying on bed,
my salty tears would automatically roll down without any reason with a little hint that the hidden trauma memories is still with me.
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Well,
now I'm trying to learn to not to weep, not to think, not to hate, not to irritate, not to insomnia, not to rely on medicine, not to have a heavy heart and not to recall.
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