Nightmares and depressed

I feel so empty and I feel so much pain,

no one will understand this as well as truly feel this pain until they come to a realization of the actual experience.

There's a trauma in my mirror and I cry all night.

I'm so hopeless to live in the nightmares as my daily routine,

I don't think there's anything I still can do to make me feel better,

only a burst of laughters to stabilize my sadness,

there's nothing more I expect, just a normal life that everyone do have,

I don't want this shadow, this trauma, this traumatic scene in my brain,

I don't want add math, don't want celebrate the event, don't want recall the pathetic scene.

There's no equivalent to the comfort of physical pain and has no remedy to its pain.

I've bought a secret gift for this person to reduce a little resentment and remorse in my heart,

I'm trying to help myself; not to hate this person and not to remorse in life for what had happened.

I know, no one can hurt me as much as myself,

so I'm trying to make a best; bought a gift and trying to amend this relationship.

However,

 I believed that she's highly looking forward towards my souvenirs from Australia since she had already wrote it down,

I've bought it but I don't have the courage to send it out this gift,

I posted in FACEBOOK about this feeling,

and people commented that it's basically due to daren't confront the truth and fact,

and that was exactly what Kaima said me before.

I really wonder that is this the solid reason that I couldn't forget the past?

It's really due to afraid of confronting the truth and fact?

Idk... 

Taking away my own life isn't a remedy and isn't even a solution,

but I really wish I'm death and not involving in this world.

I want a world of nothing or sleeping, I don't want daily traumatic excruciation .