Wishes prior to death

I wish I could post her a testament before my death,

I wish I could make her live well,

I wish she could happy in the future without my life,

I wish I could pass away so young;

to sleep, perchance a dream in the process of dying.

I wish these three bottles of sleeping pills could make me end up my life.

Upon drying,

there's nothing suffer any more; just leave the worries in this world and bring my soul up to heaven.

Life is pleasant and death is peaceful,

it's the transition that troublesome.

Drying isn't a piece of cake actually,

vividly recalled a couple of times when I attempted suicide,

when I was 15, I attempted chocked myself into death,

when I was 20, I consumed two packs of sleeping pills.

These two behaviours I been tried several times,

but fate made me still alive here,

perhaps I'm born to fulfil something that God directed me to,

but I'm too suffered and overwhelmed now,

I can't forget the traumatic past when I was 17,
I can't forget my parents treated me badly when I was young.

I have no bright future, I'm so helpless now,

everyday I feel like I don't have tomorrow,

I can foresee that I could die any time due to daily weakness,

perhaps due to dehydration in the body, or lack of proper foods intake or even committed suicide.

Nowadays I feel like I have some signs of physical weakness which might approach dying,

my whole body skin is so pale, my face is so dull; thin and pallid,

I get depressed unreasonably,

maybe due to overload of childhood unhappiness :(

At times,

I think of childhood parental bias,

at times I think of childhood abandon and humiliation,

at times I think of childhood lashes,

at times I think of childhood blames and discrimination in the family.

At times,

I think of my since born weakness and unchangeable fate.

At times,

I think of my adolescence trauma.

There's endless of resentment and growing pain in the deepest core of my heart and I didn't publicize all these matters to anyone.

When I accumulate all these unhappy to a certain limit,

I think of end my life at this tender age.

Anyway, prior to my dying,

my only wish is to post her something and tell her something.

It's my life wish and I have to fulfil as a dream before dying.

This time,

I guarantee I won't be coming back or survive in this earth any more,

upon getting her address and after I successfully post her those things,

I've decided to consume 1 bottle of washing detergent and drive myself to death.

No one else can help me any more,

I feel like I'm going to mad again or I'm madding now,

I know both of us can't go through the respective trauma,

the only method to solve problem is between both of us there's one person to sacrifice her life then only another person can go through those terrible times,

I know it's my responsibility to drive myself to death as I'm burdening everyone else in this world,

I believe my trauma shan't recover this time,

I begin to hear voices that she asks me go to die and I can't concentrate in my assignments any more,

well,

the only thing I could do is to fulfil her wish as an apologize;

since she wants me to die, then I'll do what she wants me to do and fulfil her wish.

So I am doing what seems the best thing to do for her and me,

thanks for people who have given me the greatest possible happiness,

but I believe our fate had gone so I have to leave this world.

I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible trauma came,

I can't fight any longer, and I know that I am actually spoiling her life by surviving,

without me she could smile happier in her life.

I knew she knows this, so still, it's my accountability to leave the world.

See! I can't even write this properly. My brain can't function any more.

Gotta rest and awaiting for her address to come.

What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to her,

she has been entirely patient with me and amazingly good enough,

and I believe everyone knows that.

This time,

I dont want anyone to save me any more,

just leave me in death.

Everything has gone from me but the certainty of her goodness and forgiveness.

I can't go on spoiling her life any more;

I been walked to a stage that I can't bear the torment and couldn't control myself in any sense any more.

Bye world.