Limited sense of survival

Going United States soon,

I hope this two weeks vacation could slacken my heavy heart,

and wish mommy don't disappoint me at the last minute,

she always allows in the first place but giving a lot of excuses not to go at the last minute.

Go or not to go, I'm fine actually,

because my current overpowering stress have been overshadowed my decision.

At times,

I am really depressive, feel like not going anywhere,

feel like having a cup of coffee; sitting alone and ponder my own past about what I had experienced,

I know this is not the right thing for me to do,

but I just feel like I have a strong feeling to attract me to do be depressive.

Sometimes,

being alone and depress a little bit make me feel better.

Now,

I'm undergoing a huge stress that I have a heap of assignments to complete and submit,

I have university exams to sit before I fly back Malaysia,

I have oncoming IELTS exam to examine my capability towards English.

The most importantly,

I have heavy doubts in my heart to question that particular person,

I'm thinking how to raise the questions to 'stabilize' both sides.

At this moment,

I just feel like my shoulder is too heavy to bear these stress,

I experienced insomnia in the late midnight despite medicine has been taken.

I slept at 5am and woke up at 3pm on the next day.

Just need to inhale some fresh airs to release my current stress.

I do not have much time to survive in this world any more,

feel like I'm suffering from liver disease and this disease is worsening me.

I remembered this is what the psychic told me that I would suffer and now I'm starting to experience the symptoms. 

She said my cause of liver disease in the future is due to long-term lack of sleep, insomnia, long-term medication intake and insufficient of water in my body.

I feel like this disease cutting my life day by day and shorter and shorter,

but I feel like I can survive one more day after each day, it's my pleasure to live,

I'm actually inspired by my Public Relations lecturer,

vividly recalled when a bunch of girls teased him in class and asked him

'Sir, why are you using such a long straw for drinking your hot coffee? Hahahaha!'

The lecturer answered

'Im actually suffered from brain cancer, and I undergo operation on my mouth, so I can't taste the flavour of foods and drinks on my lips after the operation, so I have to used straw to suck the coffee and reach my inner mouth to sense the flavour of the coffee. So that is a reason behind of it.'

The girl was like so sorry for asking,

she said

'Awwww... sorry about asking... because I just curious why you need a long straw when drinking a hot coffee?'

The lecturer said

'That's alright, the doctor said I only left not more than 1 year to survive. So I just survive and enjoy the things I like to eat and drink before I leave this world. So when I get to opened up my eyes in every morning, I feel like I am so lucky that I'm still surviving.'

After this statement,

I feel so true and was inspired by what Mr. David said.

He told us we wouldn't know when we pass away, it could be next day or could be next year,

so what we have to do in this world is treasure our life,

enjoy to the fullest when we are still surviving,

I fully agreed from what he said,

I can sense that I have a shorter life span than the rest people,

because I am actually weaker than the rest homo sapien,

I need daily medicine to keep my life moving on,

if not I will be fallen.

I wouldn't tell daddy and mommy for my current condition right now,

because I don't want let them have any psychological preparation to worry me day by day until I leave this world.

Especially mummy,

when I told her something, she must be nag and scold or speak some negative words,

thus I rather pass away suddenly to make everyone around me sad once and all but not all the time.

Perhaps,

now I been grown up,

the way I perceived things are more matured and factual now,

one of my friend's friend (I do not know him),

he's suffering from HIV and will pass away any time in a short period,

he's barely 22 years old,

now he's like awaiting his date of death,

he didn't tells his mum and none of his family members know that.

Now,

he had stop working and fully enjoy his life,

he tried to experience as much as possible things that he haven't tries.

Yet,

this concept applies to my case,

now I don't look far away any more,

I'll concentrate on my current life like concentrate in my degree studies and also further studies such as Master.
But I do not think about work first, I put this thing aside,

because I worry that I can't walk till so far,

I have a limited sense of survival.

At this point,

I tried to revolve this world as much as possible,

if I could go to United States I just go, if I can't go then just brush off.

That's it.

I feel like to forgive everyone whom hurt me in my childhood,

particularly my parents whom treated me harshly and unfairly in my tender age.

Much more importantly,

the most I want to forgive is Pn Lye,

because I know I don't have much time to left any more,

besides than that I eager to know the rounded answers before I leave this world.

Somehow,

I feel like I take the relationship with Pn Lye more seriously when compared to my parents,

because I feel that actually I weren't involve much in my family bonds,

since young,

daddy been working all the way and didn't talk much to me at home,

even until now, still the same.

While mommy, 

I disliked talk to her because she always being too negative,

whenever you tell her anything, she must be having something to criticize. 

So, we seldom talk as well.

While my other siblings,

they have their own peer circles and partners,

and I guessed they do certainly behave like me as well; the non-involving kids.

Or perhaps,

I would like to say our home is too big,

we seldom see each other and therefore seldom talk to each other.

And even,

I can conclude that I never and ever dream of my family members so far,

because I'm actually non involving in my family so how could I dream of them?

They don't even have pieces of memories for me to dream of them. LOL!

Instead I only dream of Pn Lye or her family members,

because they created too much memories for me despite it's something negativity.

At times,

I could even dreamed of some contents which are particularly real and even made me can't distinguish which is real and which is unreal. 

As conclusion,

I realized that I'm actually involving too much in outside matters rather than my own family matter.

But I'm so lucky that I don't have conflicts in my family,

I meant I prefer to be non involving rather than conflicts involving.

To be frankly,

sometimes when my parents didn't ring me and I could totally survive in my world and didn't think of them at all until they ring me.

Just like last time I keep crying in the phone and told daddy

'I very scared that Pn Lye want to beat me and harm me again.'

Daddy could even said

'Why you would still think of her? When you never mention this person name, I totally never think of her until you remind me now. I langsung forgot already.'

Me too, I understand what daddy meant now and also able to grasped this common sense,

sometimes when daddy never call me,

I really didn't think of his face or his image until he rang me,

frankly speaking,

I am saying that I only think of him when reminder about him crossed my mind.

I can also said that we have been long time didn't talk to each other,

approximately since the time when he and Huay ling visited me in Australia,

about 1 year ago? LOL!

Even when I was at home and we having dinner together,

I wouldn't think about him even we spent time together,

I guessed it's because of we didn't talk so I wouldn't think about him?

Let's assuming Pn Lye as a case example,

let say if she didn't talk to me I think we wouldn't have story today even if we seeing each other everyday in school.

If she didn't told me

'Go back to class' or 'Come down' or 'Come out' or 'You want me to call police' or 'You want me to take the cane' or 'You want me to call ambulance',

I think I wouldn't have impression towards her in my daily memories.

Thus I guessed this is the power of memories or power of conversation,

if someone don't create memories for you, you wouldn't even recall his/her face.