A disappointing well plan proposal

Just a moment ago,

I found out that 

"her goodwills are never her goodwills, her sincerity were not her sincerity."

In a nutshell,

she's not that 'director' or 'well planner',

her goodwills were all well planned by one another.

Her apologies and good words were all words from others,

I never been thought about this,

I really thought all words were sincere and it's all generated by her own.

I trusted the words which she blurted all the way,

and now I found out the words weren't her actual words.

I feel so sad it's a well plan proposal by one another.

It's all about someone asked her to done it instead of she done it herself.

I felt bad and regretted for received her kindness upon I discovered the fact.

I am thinking why I forgave such a person who never used her sincerity to proves her future actions, I am wondering why I treated her so good, I am pondering why I'm such a fool in the whole drama.

I feel so embarrassed now,

she must be laughing at me behind the scene for my fool that I being deceived.

I'm a fool indeed,

doubtlessly I thought she really became a good one and sincerely treated me goodly.

I thought her whole intention was pure as she said that she just wanted to let me know she is really sorry.

I thought her shake hand was real sincere rather than a 'proposal'.

I'm really stupid,

how could I forgave her uncountable wallops just because she used others well plan apology?

At this moment,

I'm thinking that the words that she written weren't her words.

I really don't want to write or express myself more any more,

feel like I'm spoiling my own feeling, hurting my own emotions and holding back the irrelevant tears.

I really don't know what's wrong with me today.

Perhaps,

 received too many bad news out of a sudden?

Due to the bad childhood domestic experience,

I feel depressed and think pessimistically easily.

When daddy mommy reject my request,

I would feel that I'm actually nothing in the family;

least worthy or even the most insignificant one among the siblings.

And also,

I tend to distrust people easily no matter what's their relationship with me,

either my ex or my own sister,

'Its your mum the one who ask me dont tell you about she asked me to ask pl give you ang pao, if not you wont receive. If you dont believe, you can go and ask your mum. Why should I bluff my loved one?'

And,

'I already told mama about the balloons banner cost RM550, she said no need.'

I said

"you no need go and ask mama, anything which involve in payment, sure she says no need one. You go and ask from papa, because papa is wiser and more rational in market price. I think he will understands."

She said

'Actually, papa also told me that no need waste money in your birthday party and ask me dont do so much deco for you. He even asked me to ask you dont throw party at home.'

In both of these statements,

I chose to distrust them, I think both of them were telling lies to hurt me.

I think my ex is trying to get back me,

so that he wants to let me know that Pn Lye pretends to be friend with me and will harm me in future.

On the other hand,

I think that my sis is jealous of my birthday party and trying to spoil my plan,

so that she bluffed me that my parents told her such a thing behind me to spoiled my feelings.

I would think that she is trying to make me think that I'm the unimportant one in my parent's hearts.

So that she destructs my happiness by bluffing me.

Overall,

I don't trust anyone in this world !!

I think people blurt things out based on purposes of selfishness.

But however,

I still have my best kaima by my side who always cool me down and cheer me up when I'm sad.

She's a very special person in my life,

like a second mother who knows me whole-heartedly,

when I'm sad or burst into tears,

she wouldn't throw tantrum like mummy,

but she will cool me down,

talk to me nicely, console me by her greatest and special-est way,

joked and said that

'Since you cried until like that, so kang ko! Then you continued to be her enemy lahhhh.....'

LOL!

Or she could even seriously consoled me that

'Dont like that dont like that, cool down, go drink water and go pom pom first!'

I meant she always has her own unique way to stopped me from crying no matter it's in serious or joking way.

She has her own way to make me obey her too,

she is good in persuading and pleasing a child like me,

when I throw tantrum, cried and yelled

She could even stopped me from crying and made me laughed immediately,

she said

'Hanah hanah! Beat me lah beat me lah! I give you beat lah.'

Jubie too!

She is great in pleasing a child.

She joined the joke and said

'Nah! I also let you beat. Beat me lah!'

When I seeing both of them extend their hands and showed palms at the same time,

I would rubbed off my tears and smiled.

I guessed that's the reason why she said herself born to be a teacher in her career fate,

she said even psychic also told her that her career fate would be a teacher.

Ultimately,

I got her meaning here, a person who smart in pleasing a child, good in consoling, entertaining and the most importantly high in EQ.

I feel really good that I have an external mother like her who protected me so much,

I never been pampered before since young,

I never been entertained before since young,

I never been truly loved and consoled by my mother when I am down,

I never been wholly being protected by my father when I underwent harsh time,

I never have a parent who have time to hear me talk about rubbish and nonsense in my spare time,

now,

I really found this good person in my life and I'm thankful to God that luckily there's one out there in the world,

I feel like she done her goodwills unrequited.

She treated me goodly just because she loves the feeling of treating someone good,

she helped someone just because she feel like someone needed helps from her.

She guilds me into a proper path in order to becomes a more 'premium' person.

In terms of educational,

She inspired me that

'The higher education you have had, the better future you have and a better person you would become.'

In terms of relationship,

she inspired me that

'Everyone eager to grab the one out of the best, the better partner you get, the better future and the more happiness you will receive in your future.'

 In terms of a life lesson,

she inspired me that

'People look up and dont look down, people only climb higher in the social ladder rather than going down the social ladder. So we have to move forward and climb higher to get everything best for ourself to have a better life.'

Look!

Such a great and wonderful god mother,

she's very unique right?

For me,

I think a chinese idiom which best describe her character is 

'不求回报'