fear and hate
Most of the time,
fear and hate are both intersected,
hatred is actually sourced from the coward's revenge for being intimidated.
And I believed hate is always the consequence of fear and many people do agreed about this.
In fact,
we fear something before we hate it and I yay big about this.
In the beginning of the stage,
I began to feel fear of her unreasonably.
And when the time passed gradually, hate take place progressively.
I don't know the solid reason of this,
nonetheless I think it could be either she's too fastidious in my actions or I'm too sensitive in her response or even both.
I loathe the ways she treated me in school or outside the school,
or I can say that I hate the ways she treated me all the time?
I met her at the time when I've grown up both physically and mentally,
and I think maybe that's the reason I hate her because I've been able to judged her actions and thus it cause the further resentment?
Anyway,
from case like this,
we taught each other philosophically a lot.
She taught me about how to deal with people like her in my future while I taught her how to become a better discipline teacher in her future?
It is always easy to hate but hard to compromise or grown out of hate.
I feel so struggled in this resentful relationship,
especially our age gap are so different, she's older than me 34 years old.
Could be my mum's age already??!! Haha!
It's nor like a common kid's fight neither the feeling like I hate my peer.
It's an indescribable feeling that I hate this old woman and she hates me too.
It could consider the real hate situation without hesitate our inner feeling.
It's hard indeed to grown out of hatred even apologizes have been heard,
this is due to the constructive and repetitive flashbacks in our memory.
I think I need to switch off my brain or even switch off the memories between both of us.
But I'm lucky enough to have a couple of 'memorials' from her,
when I lost of control at times or when the super upset flashbacks crossed my mind,
I would took it out and read to get rid the uncontrollable state.
Besides than that,
I'm also lucky enough to have an external mother to act as a 'fire extinguisher' to extinguish my temper or diminish my anger.
Quite often,
I pondered and reflected about the words blurted from one of my besties,
aka the daughter of my enemy.
It's not that contradicted but I believe most people had underwent the similar situation as me.
Or perhaps,
I am that kind of hominem's person?
She always repeated things like
"I think you think too much"
"That's why you are afraid"
"That's why you are afraid"
"That's why you are living in fear"
"That's why you will dream"
"Because you can't let go"
"I think you causing too much of fear to yourself"
"I think you causing too much of fear to yourself"
"I think he causing too much of fear to you"
"Because you are thinking too much"
"As I said, why should you think about the things which have not happened?"
In a nutshell,
I feel like she's revolving in the same statements but blurting the same meaning in different words.
LMAO!
Or should I say she was using different grammars but same contextual definition?
I fully understood her meanings but I just can't put those words into actions.
When putting into my shoe,
how could I stop afraid when there are multiple vivid fears right in front of me?
How could I stop dreaming when the tremendous shadow is still with me?
How could I let it go when the hate is still there?
How could I stop thinking so much when there are significant worries in my mind?
How could I avoid thinking things which are unhappen if it will really happen in the future?
How could I causing too much of fears to myself if there is no such incident happen so far?
And how could he caused too much of fears to me if I ain't the insecure one?
Yeah!
By one word,
the issues were all came by my own insecure.
I knew that and I never deny that.
I knew I have to accept the fact she make upto me is to become a real shake hand friend instead of ABCD friend.
I have to accept the truth that the Ang Pao is her intention rather than someone else,
what to say the gifts from United Kingdom?
Yeah! True friend always tell true words.
It's time to believe Ah Rui's words. Haha!
I guessed that's the reason why I relied her so much; trusted her in all ways and seeking for her protection all the time.
I perceived that she really helped me a lot in all perspectives,
she kicked out my morning fears to night fears >.<
it's her hard work indeed.
I trusted her and toe the line because her words accuracy or 'predictability' is always so high.
She said it wouldn't happen means wouldn't happens.
She said waits and see means wait and see in the sense that it truly did not happen.
However,
these days I was so moody,
cried for no reason and simply throw tantrum in whatsapp,
such as screaming
'I feel like I become enemy with her is better than being friend with her, because if I continue to become enemy with her, so that I wont get hurt or even wouldn't think so much.'
Actually, to a significant degree,
this tantrum is understandable because I was staggered to find it this is the oncoming fifth year to celebrate the 'particular' event.
I am so lost right now,
whenever this event is approaching,
I will lost control; give vent to myself in the bedroom, cried loudly than usual and even breathlessness happened or scientifically we call traumatic asthma.
It doesn't need medication to heal it but cool running water to get myself drenched.
I found this method so successful like people who get drug addicted,
rinsed themselves in the cool water when asthma take place.
Sometimes,
when I was awake by very scary nightmares in the midnight,
to avoid the tiredness make my eyes accidentally closed up again,
I used this method too, quickly rushed into bathroom and rinsed myself in the coolest water.
It made me stopped my nightmares immediately,
or else I will go into the continuous form of that particular nightmare,
or experience the further consequences and scary dilemmas in the dream scene.
I'm intensely afraid of sleeping due to the horribleness of every each of the nightmares.
but I still have had to force myself to sleep too,
if not I can't get up in the next day morning and will resulted in the absence of classes.
My life is really sucks and chaotic right?? Yeap!
These are all the consequences of trauma of seventeen;
it's so torturous; heavy and burdensome,
I could grasped the reason why I cling to the hate so stubbornly is because I knew once hatred is gone, pains come alternatively.
That is why I chose to behave the same way as previously how I behaved,
I prefer to 'wandered' at the place where I used to be rather than deal with the subsequent invisible pains.
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