Seasonal pain
A strange and remarkable day that comes only once a year in the end of November,
for the rest of the time it does exist but once in awhile.
This year, it's the fifth year since the trauma happened,
in the twinkling of an eye, it marks a 'leap' in time,
the calender or the remarkable date had been adjusted due to the spinning of the earth,
my emotion had slightly tune up across the time, that's a good thing indeed.
Another good thing was time make us transformed into a completely different person which don't look like us in past,
we learned to be good to each other, forgive and forget respectively.
Nonetheless,
the most sorrowful thing in my heart was this day holds another secret which I couldn't be able to unfold this myth.
I attempted to unlocked this secret from her,
but she doesn't even willing to tells me the truth whole-heartedly even a best opportunity had given.
Certainly,
sincerity means zero if truthfulness doesn't successfully convey to another person,
further than that,
all the 'documental' memorials between us are actually significant nothing,
no matter how many times I read up the letter of apology,
I still couldn't feel that kind of sincerity as the facts weren't convey to me.
I loathe the feeling when my questions were being ironized as a joke.
I hate her more when she pretended doesn't know anything and ask me what I want to know?
This is the most pathetic feeling in my heart when someone reject to be sincere with you.
And yeah!
That's why I have been saying that
"We are not that kind of real friend"
My words actually came from this aspect or this meaning,
because I know that she wouldn't gives me a longer story which tells about what had happened at the moment when both of us had lost control.
I feel like asking her
'Do you know what you were doing at that time?'
Absolutely,
I think humans are only capable of small moments of honesty but not all the time.
When they get tired of being honest, they will head back to origin where how they lied in the first place.
While I,
I'm actually really... really... really... suffered to breath in the air of being traumatized,
wandering in the dark shadows for years without having any potential days that I will know the solid reason why and what she did that to me.
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Since the trauma began,
I'm actually living in an empty hollowness where I can't even feel myself are alive.
There were moments in life when it is all turned inside out,
what is real becomes unreal,
what is unreal becomes tangible,
the mild pains becomes severe pains,
all the levelheaded efforts turn into vain when disappointments arrived at the end.
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