harm and trust

Right now,

I been started to trust her gradually and never be afraid of her,

I hope this feeling can long last,

I don't wish I'll live under her fear, insecure and the shadow.

I hope I will be living in the sense of trust,

trust that she is sincere and unhurt to me.

I felt like the mistake is mine that I distrust her since her apologize,

because it's too hard for me to believe that someone who hurts me all the way sincerely claimed that she won't hurt me any more.

Seriously, it's too hard to trust !

Later,

I will be going out with Datin and she is coming my house to fetch me.

I even worried that Datin is going to pakat with her again,

I even afraid till I SMS vivian

'Later ask your mum dont fetch me to pn lye house, ask your mum dont pakat with pn lye any more and fetch me to coffee bean.'

I am seriously worried about this thing,

but seems like my worrying became sort of ridiculous for them,

they even laughed and think it's really funny.

Vivian even replied me

'Hahahahahaha! Dont worry, we wont fetch you to Pn Lye there.'

Indeed,

her laughters in the beginning of her message made me think that they were laughing at me.

But I am genuinely afraid of the situation would happened.

Somehow,

I always think that people is going to do things out of sudden and would harm me,

that day at Ramada,

I even think of Pn Lye wanted to fetch me back,

and if once I get up to her car,

she going to fetch me to nowhere and sell me away!

Certainly,

I still distrust her sincerity and keep thinking that she is going to harm me anyway :(

I don't really know what had actually caused this kind of negative thinking,

perhaps I only could said she hurt me too much till the norm I can't trust her good any more,

because I still hadn't see her good side so far,

so I been keep thinking she is going to only harm me instead of help me.

However,

Emily told me that's my normal response and she understand my situation,

she said what I need now is barely a time,

I need time to trust as I can't trust her immediately.

I agreed from what she said and think that's the absolutely truth answer,

I need time to observed her sincerity and good to me.

At the moment when she claimed that she is going to make a move,

she touched my shoulder before she moved,

I even get startled and my shoulder was erected immediately,

because I thought she is going to beat me or attack me instead of touch,

so from this perspective,

I think I should learn to trust that every her single actions are no longer harmful,

this is the only way to reduce my insecurity towards her.

She wanted to befriend with me,

my deep down never reject but hold a sort of doubts towards her behind action,

vividly recalled,

when I reject her sorriness and said that her sorriness is a sort of scheme to harm me in the future,

she claimed that she didn't; 

she said that her sorry is real sorry and said that she doesn't has any intention behind her sorriness.

This made me felt confused towards her character,

because I always thinking that her actions do have certain reason behind,

for example when she asked me to come,

means she is going to harm me like let her dog near me.

Therefore,

when she suddenly treated me good,

I would think that her actions are scary and it's really hard for me to gain trust towards her.

I know I have to accept the feeling of trusting someone who hurt me in past,

and I have trained myself to trust it,

I laughed even when I feel too sick or intensely worn out;

smiled when I trying not to cry and the tears are blurring my vision,

I sang a crappy voice to Datin when I feel like crying out,

I trust when my heart begs me not no,

I twirl when my mind makes no sense of what I see,

I sleep even when I am afraid of what the nightmares might bring,

I ran in the dream when I feel like I can't run any more.

And, always,

I remember even when the memories pinch my heart,

because the pain of all my experience shaped me the person who I am now,

it brought me into this stage and this characteristic,

and without these terrible experience,

I am an empty page or a blank notebook,

what makes me brave is my willingness to live through my trauma and hold my head up high the next day.

So I try not to live in fear,

I am trying to trust someone who hurt me in past because I am stronger now,

after all the crap has happened,

I am a new reborn person who restart my life in the early twenties. 

I feel so thankful to God that he creates such a beautiful full stop for us to stop our resentment.

Besides,

another most important person who I would like to thank to is Datin,

because she told me out about her problems to let me understand her stressful situation and make me sympathize someone's hidden suffering,

from what she spoke; the words that most inspired me was she said

'Actually Pn Lye just like you, you all never tell out your problems that is why both of you got the end like today, you round her house unreasonably and she beat you unreasonably. Its because both of you have an indescribably situation, its very hard to tell out.'

I asked Datin

'Then why Pn Lye dont want tell out in the beginning?'

She said

'You knew her person lah... she always everything keep it as secret and knew herself, because she needs face.'

I asked

'Why she needs face?'

Datin said

'Some people are just like that, they need face, so they just show their strong image and hide up the weak side. They dont want let people know they got such problems.'

I said

'yes yes yes ! Ya lo ya lo! I knew pn lye's person is like that ones.. even her birthday or her age all those are very confidential ones... even its nothing but she still unwilling to tell people ones... even if you ask her, I think she will ask you why you want to know... or keep quiet; starred at you and mouth sengek sengek....'

Datin even laughed and said

'Hahahaha! Jiu shi lo... that is why people who understand her only knew her characteristic well, people who not close to her will think she is weird.'

I said

'Ya la... quite weird lah... just like we normal person, if people ask her what horoscope or what lunar year, we will straight tell out ones... but I think she will ask in hokkien : Zo Mi leh? hahahha.....'

Datin laughed and said

'Hahahaha! Ya la! She everything keep as secret....'

I said

'Now I feel very thankful to you that you told me out all these, even Pn Lye never tell me, but you told me out, I feel like sympathize is the staircase to forgive, and you make me put down a lot, even though not entirely but at least got 70%, you see now I go her house also round only but never press bell any more. And by slowly, even don't go also I can make it, I too thankful you already. Today I just bought a shirt for you at KL.'

Datin said

'Eh why so coincidence ones??!!! Today this morning Pn Lye also bought a lipstick to me, said she thankful to me that I helped her to solve your things.'

I said

'How to said you helped her solve?'

Datin said

'She said you never go and press bell any more but go round a bit a bit only.'

I said

'Anah! I never go press bell any more, because when I sympathize her already then I wont press bell any more, even go also wont do anything any more.'

Datin said

'Ya la! That is why she bought lipsticks to me, I suddenly get frightened you know? Just now she suddenly came in my room and said: Nah! Ji Gei Beh Ho Lu eh.... then I was shocked and said: Eh Zo mi leh? Zo mi beh lipstick ho wa leh? Then she said in English: Because I sincerely thankful to you.... just like what you told me just now you bought shirt for me....'

I said

'I think maybe is you do good things, God return you something good from both sides, so hao xin you hao bao.... you see, I also like that ones... even people do bad to me, I still treat people good ones... that is why God return me a lot of things, I always got a lot of things unreasonably from others ones... you never see the things I wore all from my friends or relative ones.... even when my eldest sister when Australia find me, when she wants to borrowed shirt from me, she flipped my clothes through the box, I said oh this one who who who gave ones... this one is who who who gave ones... she even laughed and said why your clothes all other people gave you ones? So funny ones! Hahahaha! And I also dont know why I since young already everyone started donated clothes for me... some people said because I very good so they gave me, some said I look pity, so gave me....'

Datin laughed and said

'Anah! That is why people doing god looking, do good things God will return us something good.'

I said

'Anah! You see last time Pn Lye beaten me until all blue black, some more so many times already, I wont harm her ones... when my father asked me where she beat me, I keep quiet, or else if my father dont know she beat me I also keep quiet. And I wont do harmful things to her no matter what she did to me, because I knew people doing god looking, so I do my own role enough already... Pn Lye do what I dont care.... but people will think me stupid....'

Datin said

'Not stupid, this is the signs of kind person.... because you think of others feeling. You see, I just described what she faced in her family only also you can cried, this is because you can felt others situation and think about other feeling only you got that rasa to roll down your tears.'

Nonetheless,

I still feel like I have to trust her no matter what she done to me in past,

you see, when we close up our eyes, that was the difference,

sometimes we cannot believe what we see yet we have to believe what we feel,

and if we are ever going to have other people trust us,

we must feel that we can trust them too despite when we are in the dark.

However,

I just keep telling myself

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”