Valentine

by Unknown - 4:56 pm

It's too bad,

I've been stay under a roof of out of internet connection for 5 days.

That is why I miss my blog badly,

I missed the sentimental music and the words I expressed.

Today,

it's an annual valentine,

I don't celebrate today because I had broke up with him.

Let's think it optimistically instead of pessimistically,

I save up a lot of money for his birthday, valentine's day as well as anniversary celebration.

Actually,

valentine is not a necessity to celebrate with the loved one,

we can celebrate with our bestie if they don't have partner yet,

tonight I am going to have a cuppa caramel machiato coffee with Emily at Starbucks coffee store.

She had final exam in this morning and we going to hang out at night,

we going to chit-chat about how we puzzled by love and definitely Pn Lye's topic is a necessity.

This is our single life that we are treasuring before we get into a new relationship.

Sometimes,

I feel like I have more words to express about Pn Lye rather than my loved one,

perhaps I only could explain because she hurts me more than him,

the pain I experienced from her is much more uncountable when compared to him.

It has been 12 days since I broke up,

but I felt like the shadow of this man has been started to fade out from my mind,

since the fifth day of broke up,

I don't look at his things so frequently any more,

I don't think about him compulsively and I don't talk about him obsessively.

But I still do look at Pn Lye's things till now,

I still think about her compulsively and I still talk about her obsessively.

Maybe I think it's a lame excuse for me to forget about other things,

I used her as a tool to repressed my other negative emotions;

I used her as an object as objectification to numb myself in some memories that I couldn't bear,

etc. the 3 years childhood molestation, childhood domestic violence, childhood negligence, childhood abandon, childhood bullied, and even current relationship broke up.

Certainly,

I am very sorry to her,

I just think that if I have something to think and something to focalized then I won't think about other previous unhappy incidents.

Perhaps,

I only could blamed myself that I born in this way and that's my own unlucky and I can't blame anyone.

Indeed,

hyperactivity is my biggest incurable flaw and since young people always take me granted at this point,

such as my driver; he knew I don't know protect myself so he just be selfish and did that to me for 3 years.

Absolutely,

I knew its my own naive and foolish fault,

so far, I still don't have the right to blame anyone,

I shouldn't behaved so silly or so hyper so that people hunt me as a target.

To be frankly,

I don't know why I was born that way,

everyone described my since young character the same way,

they said I am crazy or the one who keep running,

since few months old, I've behaved that way,

crawling, running and jumping around,

catching objects and striking anything which appeared visible to me,

nanny has no choice towards my hyperactivity; for the sake of safety,

she has to carry me while she is cooking and even bathing! LOL!

Seriously, she told me that!

But I don't remember her naked body!

She said when she was doing house chores such as sweeping or washing;

I climbed motorbike, trishaw and bicycle in the house yard,

or climbed the staircase which up to the ceiling-roof,

when she carried me down,

I opened whatever drawers and wardrobe which appeared in my sight,

I dig everything out from the cupboard and messed up the kitchenware,

such as carrying around the cooking oils and salts.

When she puts back the cooking oils and salts to the origin,

I plucked off the flowers and chillies at the backyard or sneaked into neighbour's house and disturbed their flower pot!

She even went in her neighbour's house and catch me back,

when she carried me into the back kitchen,

I climbed from the chairs onto the table and jumped down dangerously,

or else,

I smashed the plastic plates or spoons on the table.

When she picked it up and continue cook her things,

I climbed up the living room's chair and played the phone;

according to the phone book aside, simply phoned someone and talk.

When she grabbed away the phone and told them that I simply made a phone call,

subsequently she put me down and I crawled to the God desk and messed up those holy apparatus on floor,

such as grabbing the fruits and playing the holy candles.

When she carried me to the kitchen;

carried me with one hand and cooked with another hand,

I struggled after a couple of minutes,

then she puts me down and asked her mum to looked after me,

her mum just went toilet for a few minutes,

when she came out from the toilet,

her leaf made hand fan on the plastic chair was tore by me.

LOL!

When my nanny told me that,

I really can't stop laughing about the hand fan.

Before she went in the toilet,

she left her hand fan on chair,

after she came out from toilet,

her hand fan already tore by me.

So, the conclusion is I was too crazy!

That is why my nanny said even take shower also need to carried me! LOL!

Back to the point of Pn Lye, somehow,

I don't know why she is so important to me,

when I have nothing to think and nothing to do,

I will recalled about her immediately,

actually I been tried to help myself,

I tried to used assignment to numb myself and to restrict myself thinking about her,

but whenever I am doing my assignment,

my mind will automatically think of the pathetic stuffs that she did to me,

such as my leg was being caned for forty-fifty times on bench and my face was being slapped at the same time, my hand was intentionally being cut by knife edge, my long straight hair was being chopped by mincing knife, my whole body was brutally injured for once, I was being enclosed in car with a dog sitting beside me, my arm and wrist were being beaten harshly with a spatula and short wood, my neck was being put on with a dog string and being caned by her at the little staircase of her house.