domestic insecure

Besides than male in the family who brought peace for me,

I am having a significant extent of domestic insecure now.

This matter impacts me physically, emotionally and even academically.

It elevates my degree of stress, severely impacting my thoughts and worst my inner anxieties. 

The worst feeling a child has having insecurity from a mother,

merely rely on daddy is not an ultimate solution. 

I deeply believe people always say that

"father is the best person of daughter in the world'

&

" mother is the best person of son in the world."

Yeah, God is fair,

and I'm lucky enough to be the daddy's girl,

getting sufficient of knowledge, protection, care and love from him like other people do.

Most of the time,

I dislike people tell me how good are their parents,

because I feel like it's sort of insulting to me,

especially those who tell me how poor they are and how sacrifice they mums bought them something,

I loathe those people who express things that way.

I really think that as an insulting or ironic statements.

That's the reason I begin to dislike someone,

at the time when she starts to brag about the greatness of her mom,

telling me her mom is a cleaner labor and bought her a few hundred dollar bag without demands. 

I really hates her for her bragging of love. 

Yet,

I start to dislike him from liking him,

just because he brags about how his mum loves him too,

he told me his mum phoned him twice a day and gives him everything but left nothing to herself,

I loathe him when he told me his mum is a selfless person,

he not really good in using adjective describe her mum such as the noun of 'selfless',

but he described her mum in a sentence

'She is a person who really ungenerous, but she's generous towards people, especially me, whatever I want she will buys, no matter how expensive, although I never demand but she'll still shop around and buy it for me.'

I never tell him about my problem;

I used to keep quiet every time when he mentioned his parents,

I feel like to stopped him from saying the goodness of his parents,

but due to a certain magnitude of love to him,

I keep quiet and lend him my ears,

he continued bragged about it and even insulted me by saying

'My mum just got me one child, so she'll phones me everyday, and your mum got you and your siblings 5 children, without you, she still got 4 other kids to talk to, so you're not really important.'

When I heard that,

I don't really know whether I should perceive it as rationality or a brickbat.

I cried once in a while when I woke up every morning when several traumas hit my mind.

I used to evade the reality and survive my own life,

pondering of find a great partner who loves me more than my parents do,

having a new family life; generate one or two children, having a small but lovely home, and forget the past.

Return them some human sentiment that I am currently owing them, especially money.

Occasionally,

I think that mommy always told me

'The prada bags, birthday party and america trip we paid for you.'

I am thinking that once I return her all the money and we wouldn't be owing each other,

since the owing just in the sense of money.

Everyone can have money.

One more thing,
I extremely dislike owe her money or any human sentiment although we are mother-daughter relationship,

since young she told me that

"No matter what's our relationship, we have to distinguish figure clearly although it's a penny.'

When she gave me money to buy something,

she'll definitely ask for the change after grocery.

So unconsciously,

since young I have a conception that our relationship actually revolving in money,

despite we are being called as mother-daughter relationship,

we are unlike other family, selflessly sacrifice or exchange something.

When I told her I'm painful or somehow uncomfortable,

she'll used to ignores or tell me it's tiny matter,

hence when she accidentally hurts in someway,

I'll perceive it as normal or tiny matter as well.

I don't really know this is a family culture issue or childhood development issue,

I feel like I'm just too cool in the family and have my own decision because I tend to think that decision from my family is always insecure.

Indeed,

I acknowledged I am suffering certain sorts of inner suffering in the extent of domestic insecure,

I love them but just have a significant phobia towards them.

I am not fond of staying at my own house,

it's part of the reason I pursue master's degree,

I am like an ordinary girl, extremely disliked bully and emotional teasing.

Frankly speaking,

I feel like I have an 'outside society' more than an 'inside society',

I valued Pn Lye's problem more than my family's problem.

I settled the problems between us by ourselves,

I never speak to my family before,

because I feel it's super duper awkward to talk everything to someone who never and ever spend single memorable birthday party with you or not really close with you,

By all means,

siblings are actually the closest hi-bye friends who used to treat others with full of courtesy,

whom go all out and claim themselves as biological siblings.

I concluded that what I owe them is just money and human sentiment rather than a true journey of relationship.

I wish to get into a new relationship with him in the fastest way,

and needlessly to say that we are soon. 

Sometimes,

I am a bit worried too much,

I keep on worrying that my selfless nanny is leaving this world shortly despite she doesn't has any illness,

I guess this is the true love that she given me and caused I have such a deep feeling to her,

I keep remind myself that I have to visit her more,

but I afraid that I can't make it to visit her as many times as I think.

Hopefully she could stay in this world until approximately 90 or 100.

She's the greatest caretaker in my world,

she's a true selfless mother-like person who sacrifices for me so much,

every time when I visit her, she never speaks about what she had sacrifice,

she just spoke about the silly things that I done when I was in my innocence years,

but I knew everything in deep down.

I love her overindulged and delicate love,

now when I grown up, I never have time to go back to the years when I being loved by someone so deep,

Now I only have chance to being hate by someone rather than being love by someone.

I don't really know whether we are consider real friend or ABCD friend,

I am innocently regarding that as real and I really thought we are not enemy any more.

I hope the nightmares weren't true and that's the fake illusion.

My PTSD is still so severe when it activates in the midnight,

the terribleness of my nightmares are something no one could imagine how scary it was,

the vividness has becomes my sleeping phobia, 

the dream gave me the worst sensation until I woke up on the pillow.

For example,

I could felt she chocking my neck until my breathlessness awoke me,

and at the time when I have opened up my eyes, I still could felt the sensation of choking on my neck despite I already could see my bedroom scene.

Perhaps,

cognitive function is always slower a beat than reality?

Whatever,

I just feel too exhausted, insecure and fear of my daily lives.

I used to use jokes to cover up my fears such as cracking her jokes before bedtime.

I found it a little useful,

but the entertainment still turn into nightmares occasionally.

What should I do? Every night I have to sleep too.

Bid-bye world, hope I have a good night tonight,

I think should be stop saying

"Hope you dream of me and I dream of disturb Pn lye"

Because my hope is never a hope,

it rarely get me a chance to disturb her, 

but nightmares often occur more than a good dream.