Unresolved anger
Actually it's not lack of love,
just that the amount of hate is more than the current storage of love.
I know it's hard to lit up our relationship like this,
this supposed to be a miracle,
I think I should appreciate more than moving towards unhappiness.
I've grown up at this stage,
ultimately I came to a full realization of what is so called a true disliked of someone,
the feeling of hate is really painful and uneasy.
It's really complicated, I disliked this feeling so much but I can't avoid it,
whenever those unhappiness and torment crossed my mind,
I would yelled uncontrollably in my room and burst into tears,
grabbing my head and squeezing my tears.
All these actions are invisible to public, but only to me,
certainly it's often better to feel unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.
I don't really know what I'm trying to obscure from public,
clearly depressed in my deep down,
but still cracking billions of jokes everywhere at the visible corner.
Both of us are actually in the same boat,
obviously we can't forget each other for the hurt we caused,
however we flatly said that we had forgotten, forgiven and never remember till each other mentioned.
Perhaps, she wouldn't behaved the same thing like me,
sit down with a cuppa of caramel latte and pondered the past for hours,
but I bet she might be watch an empty TV show.
It could said that both of us have our own suffering.
Sherryn had attempted to purge me from stopped hating her,
but the damn strong feeling still always haunted me when she wasn't around,.
Just a moment ago, during a casual conversation,
she had inadvertently mentioned of something which ain't supposed to mentioned,
she said that harming others means evil thinking.
After a couple of seconds I filtered the statement in my mind,
I even suddenly rhetorically asked her
'You mean harm means evil thinking? So you meant Pn Lye harmed me also considered evil thinking?'
My sudden innocence and impulsiveness really made her speechless and shamed her in a certain way.
I didn't mean to do that to people who treated me kindly but just feel curious about the complexity of a certain definition.
I'm trying to know what is the actual meaning of harm someone,
so I asked a few close friends about what is harm.
Firstly,
I asked Chin Yean what a person did only considered harm?
(In this extent, I didn't tell her the things between Pn Lye and me so that she can explains briefer, more concise and also give the explanation in a more common sense term)
She answered me
'Harm ah?? Abused people??'
I asked her
'For you, the first definition of harm means abused people?'
She answered me
'Harm got a lot of definition, but the most common of harm is abused people, like those news which appeared in the newspaper are harmful or at least do a certain actions to anger people.'
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I repeated the same asking way to a second person in next step,
which is Cornelia. Haha!
She's a very innocent person,
so I would like to know what is the most simplified term of 'harm' from the vocabulary pocket of an extreme innocent person.
Because I knew that innocent person always offer the most common sense answer and gave their true insight,
so, the same thing,
when we having hotpot dinner,
I suddenly asked her
'Eh, I ask you, for you, harm means what?'
She think about it and said
'Ermmmm, how to explain leh?? Harm means bad people intentionally trying to harm people.'
I said
'Ya, I know harm means bad people trying to harm people, but I mean what they do only consider harm? If you assumed I dont know what is harm, your explanation cannot contain the word of harm, must use examples to justified the meaning of harm. For example what they do?'
She said
'What they do ah? Intentionally make people angry... make people angry already then considered harm.'
I said
'Make people angry?'
She answered 'En.......' while sipping her soup.
I asked her again
'So intentionally make people angry means harm?'
She said
'Got two types, sometimes, Harm could be unintentionally also.'
I asked her
'How only consider unintentionally?'
She spoke in Hong Kong Chinese slang and said
'Er jiu shirrrr bu xiao shirrrn xie lou mi mi huo zhe shan yi de huang yan....'
At that moment,
I perceived harm as the definition of causing angry to someone,
since both persons give similar explanation.
And I also think that Pn Lye purposely harmed me because Cornelia said harm means unintentionally harm are inadvertently leak of secret or telling white lie,
but I think her lie is bluffed for the sake of harm such as created her own self saying I sneaked into her house as thief and also purposely tell out something which I don't wish to tell out.
Due to the over harmful things she did to me in past,
I'm still don't have a lot of faith in her,
always suspect her that she'll purposely opposed my wish such as purposely tell kaima the things I told her don't tell.
I'm always looking for the sign of knowing from kaima,
because it's too unimaginable my abuser gradually became a kind person.
I really don't know what's happening in my world and her world too.
Anyway,
after a direct explanation for my friends,
I perceived harm as cause someone to unhappy because
The first person said harm means anger people;the second person said harm means make people angry.
So,
just now I asked Sherryn if I harm lcl without her knowing means not harm?
Since my friend said harm means make people unhappy.
I acknowledged I'm truly lack of creativity,
I really don't have any solution to pull me out from this torturous pitfall.
No one can pulls me out from this indignation but only myself,
I am always so lost, the reason of why I can't stop hating her is always seems so ungraspable for me.
When Sherryn told me that Pn Lye and me are friend so I can't harm her as she's my friend,
I even asked her in the next day
'How's about harmed lcl?'
Conclusively,
I guessed the reason is because this hurt is literally doubled rather than singled.
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