hopeless

Feel like go and find kaimaaaa...

since the day she leaved this world,

she's no longer replies me, no longer cares me and loves me like how she did when she still alive,

however,

the doppelganger between real-mom and god-mom is different.

She, substituted my mom in my daily lives,

she lemme hear her voice and laughter everyday,

I still couldn't put it down all these and feel like go and find her and browse around what heaven look like,

earth is not really well-being for me, both physically and mentally.

Occasionally, 

I'll look at the things she leaved me,

her voices that she left in my laptop, her pictures that left in social media and even the memories that she left in my mind.

She's really a good mom who impressed me how to become a good mom in the future,

she thinks of how tired is her child whom worked in a busy firm and asked her not to go to work,

she even ask her son to writes a medical leave letter for her daughter and ask her daughter to stop working for a few days.

To be frankly,

I have never see such a great and selfless mother in the world before,

That's something really impressed and make me feel that I'm in their family,

there's no secret between us and they willing to let me know everything.

Unfortunately,

time is cruel, it don't wait us and it don't tell us what's going to be in the next second.

It's too bad,

the promise between us in whatsapp has not fulfill and she just went that way.

She's the first person who act as my mom,

let me know what's happiness and true roles of mother in the world.

She lemme knows it's not about money and it's about love by proving her silent action.

Absolutely,

I can see her love to her daughter by the way she spoke and demanded.

Inversely,

my mom always ask me go to work and loves me to get more money.

At times,

I had some sort of reflection in the late midnight about what kaima spoken and pl spoken.

The flashback was like kaima spoke

"Better take three days leave la, coz if you never take leave, they also paid you the same price, you take leave they also paid you the same price. Monday don't go to work la.... ask koko writes letter for you say you stomach can already, coz if you didn't use your annual medical leave very wasted...'

Subsequently,

another flashback came into my mind that pl spoke

"That's why I told you rich family really different from average family, you all have a lot money but you all dont have the love, like me and kaima, we love our children very much... so we really very close to each other in the family...."

then the next flashback flew into my mind that mommy said

"You go work la... work is good... go work can get a lot money"

At that time,

I suddenly pondered of why a ruthless person was able to tell me what is love,

why she able to described what's family love and able to differentiate between rich and average family.

I can't denied that my family emphasized wealth more than love,

and we all are being nurtured by wealth since young,

I don't really know why I even straight-forwardly responded her

"But I don't prefer your family culture and willingly to stay with what I having now, if I don't get something before, I never lost it too"

She was quite speechless when I said that, I reckoned she might astonishes,

perhaps, that's the natural feeling and the original thought in my mind,

so that I would just spoke that naturally in the response when she told me that how close is the bond between her family members and how close is the bond between kaima's family members.

She told me once

"That's why I tell you, you don't spoil my anything, because I don't have money to repair, I susah payah let my children study and work like hell alone, you don't spoil spoil my things, if I'm rich like your father, I don't mind... but I dont have money, my children still haven't study finish know?"Yes, from that way, I knew she loves her children more than anything,

but my heart thinking

'Why a violent person could loves her children more than warm-hearted person like my parents?'

Vividly recalled,

daddy even told me

'Do you know you go Australia study, I can buy 50 Myvi cars?'

At that instantaneous moment,

I'm thinking in heart why that violent figure,

she's just a teacher, she could afford her kid to UK?

And when I started to think about the peers around me in Australia,

non of them are teacher's kids. 

They are either developer's kids, architect's kids, interior designer's kids and most of them are engineer's kids, perhaps engineering sectors are everywhere?

Yeah, I'm a little bit touched,

a malicious person could demonstrates the power of love until this level?

At once,

I asked mommy a question

'Why she's a teacher, where she got so much money to sent her daughter to UK study?'

Mommy answered

'Because she works with government, so that she has good remuneration from government, they work with government one, can borrow a lot of money, or scholarship...'

Certainly, I dare not tell her about this because she might thinks I belittle her,

so I just disguise and asked her in a good manner

"But you also never spend a lot money, since your child can borrow PTPTN and scholarship.'

She said

'No! All I used my money and they didn't borrow, because I think since borrow PTPTN have to return, so I use my money pay first.'

I said

'If you say you dont have money, why you still can pay first?'

She said

'Because I'm really thrifty, I never simply spend and everyday work like hell know? All the work I do myself you know? And some more all those computer stuff I don't know how to do! So I say you dont simply spoil my things coz I want to let my children study all that, you think sewa rooms in KL very cheap? Eh! eat in KL very expensive you know?'

LOL! She just keep on repeated how expensive is KL expenses and say she no money :(

Yeah, sometimes I watch some motivating movies,

and I get to watch the power of mother love, especially Singapore family movie - We not naughty.

I felt so touching and burst into tears and I get to seen the heartbroken part.

The rich kid came from a really wealthy family where his mother is a Singapore TV host, a motivator and also a great business woman who running her own business.

But due to the lack of communication in the family,

he was a bad uni kid who serves as a loan shark's errand, 

his mom asked him don't do that as loan shark is a very terrible career and might get him into trouble,

and he thinks that his mom asked him don't do that because he might vilified her mom's reputation as a TV host, 

and he even told his mom that

'I know, I wont tell people you're my mom, because you're the Singapore main TV host right? Of course, I will look after your reputation.'

His mom said that

'No, I don't mind let everyone knows you're an errand of loan shark, and don't mind letting people know you're my kid, but they are very dangerous, because loan sharks are all bad people.'

One day,

when the loan shark cheated the two uni kids and bluffed them to send the illegal drugs from Malaysia to Singapore.

He really being cheated and drove from Singapore to Johor,

when his mom seen something wrong, his mom even give up her biggest project just because of keep track her son's whereabouts,

his mom drove another car and hang up all her business calls,

who knows when the villains took gun wanted to shoot her son,

she suddenly appeared and stop the bad people doing that,

and asked the villains to kill her instead that two innocent kids.

And then,

the son said don't kill his mom and kill him,

because his mom is more useful than him,

his mom presided all Singapore TV news, events and also a motivator to a lot people,

but he's just an errand who contributed nothing in the world,

in order to save her son, she even ask her son to run away first,

and then broke her leg while running away from the villains,

due to the broken legs, she asked her son and another uni kid to run away first,

she just hide herself up and everything will be alright.

And then when the kids ran away,

the villains saw their shadows and then ran towards them,

the villains accidentally found the mother lying in the grass,

they beaten her up terribly and whole face blooded,

and eventually being sent into an ambulance and rushed to the hospital....

That's extremely touching and I cried a few times in the movie....

Awwww.... why all mothers love their kids crazily?

And yesterday,

Chris even told me

'Now, you think that all babies are cute at 2-3 years old and ugly at 9-10 years old, but all their moms think that they are cute and good looking no matter how ugly they are.'

I asked

'Really?'

He nodded his head and said

'yeap! Even i'm unmarried, but I know all mothers think their child good looking and look cute.'

I said

'Yes yes yes! My mom also said I very cute when I said Emily look cute.'

He said

'There you see! I told you, all moms think their own children look prettier than other children.'

I asked

'Why?'

He said

'I dont know, it just a nature. Because you're her child, it just like you're another part of her, and everyone think own self prettier than another one. Something like that....'

I said

'Yes yes yes! You know even my father also think I very good looking, and he even show my pictures to a china tour guild when he having trip at china, and show off how pretty is his daughter...'

Chris nodded his head and said

'But you are absolutely pretty, so your father is not showing off, he's just be proud of you, because not everyone born perfectly, and we cant decide how we look like when we give birth in this world.'

I laughed and said

'Hahaha! Then the china tour guild was so surprised, he said this is your daughter? Is this really your daughter? she looks like a model.'

LOL! Chris said

'Yeah, my niece said you look like model too, she ask me how you searched this pretty model? and ask me how I know you? Then I just answered her, just by coincidence and said you're a friend of my friend.'

I said

'I tell you another funny thing, my younger brother's church-mate also thought i'm a model from my photo, then she asked my brother is your sister a model? Then my brother answered her no, but she said she wonder why in this world got two persons surname as NGOH? Some more both from melaka, then by one day during chinese new year, the girl visited my house for chinese new year, she was so surprised when she saw me I'm inside my house. She came and talked to me, she said previously I am thinking are you Ming Zern's sister? Because both of your surname NGOH, but when I ask your brother is your sister a model? He said no, then I thought you're not his sister and thought I confused already. Then I said I'm his sister, but I'm not a model.'

LOL! Chris laughed like hell,

he said

'Okay! I know the situation by how you describe, my goodness! That's ridiculous! But the fact is no one don't believe you're not a model. Hahaha!'

I told him

'Hey! Lemme show you, my father likes my this picture, and he always said that he like that picture so much, look like Chinese actress and even show others during his china trip. So next time you help me take a nice photo, so that I can show my father again. Let's make it like a memories, life is short. I don't know how many times he can have a glance at my pictures in his lifetime and see how pretty is his daughter in this generation. Maybe next generation, he married an ugly woman and got an ugly child.'

LMAO! Chris said

'My goodness Clarissa! How can you be so mean to curse your father in next generation that he got an ugly wife.'

I laughed and said

'hahaha! Just kidding, I mean just treasure and generate more what we having now. I'm now watching a new Taiwanese sitcom, I feel that the movie is so depressing but touching, just an accident, the young man couldn't see anything any more, it's really really troublesome, from what he knows, he perceived from heard and touch only, the feeling is like there's a piece of darkness in his world, morning is like night and night is still night. How terrible is that.'

Indeed, life is short,

now I leave a 'bestest' godmom in the world.

I cried desperately in the midnight when I recalled she told me once

'Sometimes, it's really hard to tell, mother and daughter really need certain sort of fate one, if you dont have it with her, means you dont have it with her, but never mind, you can have me as an external mother, and we can be together forever, you still so young, what you scared? we still have long road to go.'

Unpredictably, just after two years,

she just passed away in the twinkling of an eye,

I thought it will be permanent than what I thought, 

and I believed that what she said is so true, because I heard that in a movie too,

the lady in the movie told another teen girl,

"sometimes, we cant change the fact but we can change the fate, love is not about consanguinity, is about the accumulation of relationship, even she's your real mom, if you dont have a good relationship with her, it's still equals to zero, and even I'm not your mom, but if we two have the earnest relationship like mother and daughter, we are still the closest person in the world.'

Thus, after I linked this statement with what kaima told me,

I really decided to named her as my second mom in my heart,

but who knows she just died without saying bye to me,

she wasn't cruel at all, but I guess it's the clock from the God,

Now,

I still trusted the law of consanguinity, which we judge a relationship according to closeness instead of consanguinity.

What I wanted to do now, is treasure those whom treat me goodly,

spend for those who treated me earnestly and love more those people who stick around with me,

and the most crucially,

try to lessen my hate towards the one who claimed that she is now 'sayang' me. 

Vividly recalled one of the funny parts,

she said

'Ok now I sayang you, last time maybe I never give you the love, but now I give you like how I sayang my children.'

Then I said

'But I scared my parents know.'

She said

'I mean if your father knows I love you, not good meh?'

Without think twice, I poured out the deepest voice in my heart,

I said

'No good, I scared the more you sayang me, the more my parents worry.'

LOL! She said

'No la! What nonsense are you talking about, the more I sayang you, the more your father will happy coz we are friend, sure he very happy. You ah! Like that also you can think of...'

I said

'Because my father still scared of you... so I know he will scared if you treat me good.'

She said

'Who scared of me? Your father scared of me? What nonsense are you talking about....'

I said

'If my father not scared of you, then why when he thought I'm inside your house, he so scared?'

She said

'Because your father scared when you come and disturb, the neighbour all dont like mah, so he scared...'

I said

'Why if the neighbours dont like me, he will scared? The neighbours caused what harm to him if they dont like me?'

LMAO! Our endless ridiculous debate really made me laughed like hell when I'm doing the house chores alone,

especially when I'm taking shower, washing plates and mopping the floor.

I really laughed those words out of my lung :)

But on the other hand,

when I think the opposite way,

aren't that if she treats me badly, my parents even more scared?

Now,

I'm thinking.... hesitating... yet laughing at the situation....

she'll be more desperate if she treats me good or bad?

LOL! 

When I rewind one of the most touching parts which touched Kaima's heart,

Kaima said I'm such a fool when I told her insecurely

'Hmmm.... you.... you... I... I.... I rather want her to treated me badly than treated me goodly, because the more she treat me good, the more I feel she's scary... So, since I already used to how she beat me, I already numbed by what she did, I really dont mind... You see! The last one she beaten me until like that, I also never complain... so, ask her be who she is like before, just be herself, don't changed because of me....'

Kaima said

'Aiyoooo, you this foolish girl, where got people think like that one? Ain't that she treated you good then very good?'

I said

'But I already used to she treat me bad already, once she became good, I'll feel she's very scary, dont know what she wants to become and what's her motive... so since I also never grumbled what she did, just ask her be herself... be original... Just like me, I also never change because of her, I am still myself, I am still behave how I behave, and encountering what I encountered.'

She said

'No, this time you can trust her already, she really changed and want to become good, you see! Today she suddenly bought this lipstick for me, she suddenly walked into my room and said Nah, ji gei buei ho lu... then I said Aiyo ah so! Ji mi buei ho wa.... bian la.... I said like that... then she said she want to thank me for letting you trust her...'

I said

'I never trust her, I just dont want to show face in front of her....'

She said

'Wait, you havent listen finish what I say... then she just give me the lipstick, nah duh... this one she gave me one... red red ! Hahahaa! And then if she really have scheme or if she's acting, why she still want to act in front of me and buy lipstick for me, that's mean this time she's real good one...'

I said

'Then why suddenly want to treat me good? Or she got any benefits so that she wants to treat me good?'

She said

'No la! If she treat you bad, she also dont have any benefits, so why should she treat you bad?'

I said

'Who said treat me bad dont have benefits for her? Can beat me means her benefits lo, because she likes to beat people.'

She said

'Actually, I tell you, a real person is a very soft-hearted person, is not as what you think, is not that violent as what you think, I dont know la, maybe I never see the part you seeing or experiencing, but in front of me, she really good one.'

I said

'Then you think if a really soft-hearted person, why she can don't care people is in painful state and keep caning me? Not only bad people will like that one? Because I know when kind-hearted saw people is in pain, they will suddenly stop beating people because they can sense that people already very painful.'

She said

'Aiyoooo I also dont know how to tell you bout that la.... it's a really coincidence matter happen in her family, maybe I tell you, you wont believe, but I tell you, she really told me her family matter happened on that week, not that specific add math day la, on the other day, but same week...'

I straight forwardly responded in a cruel manner,

I said

'Man will do that is not a surprising thing.... it's nothing to be surprised.... if for those people who experienced the same thing as her, then those ladies not want to kill people already? I feel the incident is just a purposeful resentment which backup with a lamn excuse, I thought that the purpose of marriage is to generate double wealth instead of single income as being unmarried.'

That time,

Kaima was shocked I said that, it take some time for her to replied me,

maybe 10 seconds for her to think what she gonna says in the next,

because she think that in my mind, there's only wealth and no love exists,

she said

'No, Clar, I tell you, sometimes, things are unpredictable one, we cant predict what will going to happen in the next, this second is good, but doesnt mean that next second is good.'

I even suddenly burst into tears and said

'yeah right! Just like the unpredictable add math right? Things are fine a second before, a worst like hell in the next second, very unpredictable, and dont have psychological preparation at all...and then just leave a trauma for a lifetime.'

She said

'Then she also same like u.... she also never predict that thing will happened in her family, and dont have preparation at all, and it suddenly happen, and then suddenly emotional outburst.'

I said

'Okayyyy! If she really really want to emotional outburst, why the person is me? why is me? If she genuinely never hate me, then she will beat me until like that? What to say I already give her chance to speak it up the reason why she beaten me up like that, she's the one who chose to give up in answering and diverted my question into her favourite topic, She.... she... she really has hidden conspiracy...'

Okayyyy bye!

Even Kaima can't answer me the statement above, but... Sherryn texted me and replied me the above answer...
She said Pn Lye has no any conspiracy because she CNY didn't beat me and also gave me Ang Pao.

Okay, noted and understood :)

That's the biggest gift ever that I received in my life. Hooray!

 From what I want is not the wealth in the red packet, but the security from the red packet..