An unwanted trauma

The clock is tickling and the hours are going by,

the past increases and the future is recedes.

Time is a very misleading thing,

a trauma could happened just in a next second that we wouldn't expect at all,

there is no single word could describe out the shattered heart,

 black lettering on a white paper could not prove anything that how it happened.

Only scars have the super power to evoke us that our past is real.

In fact,

she denied the truths to outsiders and I just pretend like I did not hear it. 

Certainly,

 How dare she denies the truth in front of me?

she dare not, never and ever confronts me before because she knew what she had done.

While I,

keeping those as a secret is the biggest forgiven to her.

She aggravated ill-treated me, harmed me, back-stabbed me instead of appreciate those as secrets.

Tales are long; hurts are major and shadow is endless.

Once battles are fought, the lapsap tong story will never end.

Her overlapping narrative and hurtful lies are so unjust to me,

the every listeners will just listen my exterior hurt,

but nobody will realize and feel it how hurtful is that.

Imagine that you are in a situation of completely unavoidable, unprepared, helpless as well as tearless with fears.

You can't do it anything, but just obeyed her selfish needs.

It's like a huge circle, the feeling process is circulating, 

from painful to suffered, from suffered to tortured, and from tortured to form a new beginning shadow, and from that shadow, you experience the pain again in the forms of memory.

Thus,

all these are connected and circulated to generate an unforgettable past.

I always thinking how I gonna untied this life lock and repetitively tell myself that I have to successfully walk out this labyrinth of past in one day.

I really wanted to forgive her and I hope she can gives me a petite chance to forget everything.

But at the time when I getting a little better,

 she straight forwardly devastated my ongoing rebuild life and does not wants to gives me a single chance to stand up!

In once again,

she committed an error that she done it to me on three years ago,

she non stop attacked my leg again.

The incident was entirely happened the same way as my trauma,

attacked me again when I did nothing.

The snappy physical pain are the same, but I am afraid of the deep down hurt will be even worst than the first time.

This time, I was really defeated, when she was hitting me, I burst into tears.

The tears fell because the trauma memories was aroused,

at that time,

I did not want everything recurred as three years ago,

I really afraid to received sudden attack again and thus I burst into tears.

Seriously, when she was hitting me, 

it was so immediately that the memories of previous trauma hunt me back.

I cried and told her 'Don't beat me' instead of 'Dont beat me as three years ago.'

Because I still dare not to confront the shadow, subject, past and reality.

Certainly,

I just embraced that huge shadow towards the past,

barely a long thing that look likely as a weapon that she used to assault me during 25-11-2009,

Immediately and naturally,

I would cried miserably, lost of rationality, please her to stop doing it but lost of numbness during the pain and lost of response when she is hitting me.

There are quite many medications were taken after the trauma began,

Malaysia - Lexapro, Seroquil.

Australia - Apo Quetiapine.

And I was so confused that what disorder that I actually having?

Every doctors have different point of opinions !

From the historical records of all the doctors that I've consulted,

so far,

I been diagnosed as obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, post-traumatic stress disorder.

APA APA PUN ADA! DAH GILA KU !

So now,

even I did not know what kind of illness I am actually suffer,

so the doctor just prescribed me Apo Quetiapine 25 mg for calming brain,

the seriousness is if one day never take pill

"I WILL KEEP THINKING PEOPLE INTENDED TO ATTACK ME WITH WEAPON AND HAVING NIGHTMARES THAT SOMEBODY IS FORCEFULLY ATTACK ME WITH WEAPON IN THE SITUATION OF NO ESCAPE!!!"

Conclusively,

never and ever let yourself fall into ANY form of trauma,

because it's really dangerously harming our life-long health :(

Just like me,

I hope anyone else in the world don't ever fallen into the trauma like me,

because it's really unimaginable depress and suffering, it has to take long-term pill, never and ever miss taking one day, it's really troublesome to go anywhere because need to bring and declare your drugs everywhere, once forgotten you will be end.

That is why my dearest boyfriend will never forget to remind me every night

'Have you taken your pill?'

and

'Have you put your pills into your luggage?'

This is his deepest love and care to me...

I hope it's life-long and are not temporary.